Discovering My Treasure

There's this familiar feeling that I have experienced throughout my life... some call it "in the flow," AA people call it "walking in the sunlight of the spirit," and others may say being at one with God. I know that feeling well, and there is no place i'd rather be than basking in that experience. This happened to me yesterday, so I tried to be aware of how I knew it was happening. I feel a sense of ease and comfort. I become bubbly with strangers as I feel a heightened appreciation for who they are and how they are so sweetly interacting with me making me smile. I feel more brave and confident. I notice the sunset feels like my breath and the breeze in the trees swirls in sync.

Quickly, I texted my dad and best friend Ashley "It's happening. I am in the flow again. This is what God wants me to do!" Ashley responded, "what does God want you to do?"

See, yesterday I just showed up fully for my life with no stress, no expectation. I meditated & prayed heavily that God would use me as an instrument of his peace. Lifeteen.com, the worlds leading Catholic youth ministry who serves hundreds of thousands of teens world wide through their curriculums, had just arrived to interview me for my story. I had not spoken publicly too much about the porn industry, but now was the time to do something big. They would use this video to show teens the girl behind the camera. Porn is a current public health crisis which we could chat for hours about, but for me this was about healing & serving.

They followed me to my Dr.'s appointment as I have a rare liver disease brought on from pregnancy that puts my baby at great risk. We chatted and laughed openly... I felt my contagious bubbly personality pour over into their hearts.

As I arrived at my drive way alone, something hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been in so much pain this last year... desperately seeking an answer or relief or to learn some big lesson. In this moment in my car, something said in my head, "Everything that has happened this year, in this pregnancy, in this relationship with Phillip, DOES NOT MEAN SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. This is just the experience that young lady Robin has had this year due to her certain life experiences and to extrenuous circumstances. This does not mean you're wrong or broken. And although it may make it challenging for the people close in your life, YOU ARE WORTH THE CHALLENGE. YOU ARE WORTH EVERY SECOND." Tears fell profusely down my face, I leaned my head back with my eyes closed realizing my worth for the first time.... and I had a vision.

... God, some being, held my head back in his hands and kissed my forehead as if he were revealing a gift to his daughter. Letting me know its ok... that he knows i've been suffering & in this moment I was ready for the truth. I had passed some test or reached some level that made me ready for to discover my personal treasure. I suddenly felt a knowing of myself beyond anything I've ever known and so drastically opposite of how I had been viewing who I am my whole life. I believed I was a burden... unloveable, too complicated.

Now, I know, no matter what comes up, I am worth the challenge because God made me that way. I anticipate that the challenges will become less and less for years to come. And, some day, to someone, I will be worth the effort to love me & show up for me. Maybe it's Phillip, maybe it's not, but I know now I am ok.

To Be Known

One of our deepest yearnings is to be known... In all our glory and our mess... to be seen, to be heard, to be felt, to be known. And ultimately to be cherished and ushered by someone on this pathway home. At least that's mine. Many times growing up, I felt so alone and unknown. I embarked on a journey to know and be with myself. I don't hide secrets, I rarely catch myself in a lie or embellishment simply because of this deep yearning to not be alone in the dark ever again. My prayer goes like this...

Oh dear God,

I don't have the answers, I don't know the truth
But when my heart aches, let me be heard, please let me be heard

I've been trying so hard, I've ran out of ideas
Frustrated with furry, let me bleed it out

God, when I pour out my heart, let me be seen, let me be seen!

Let me be loved. Let me be held. Let me be healed. And above all, let me be known.

Yes, God. Let me be known.

...
My little 6 yr. old crystal baby saw me sobbing in my bed recently after another miscommunication with my partner. I spiraled into a deep depression, I couldn't find my way out of for about 2 days... But this girl. She knows something I don't. She sees something so clearly that is so foggy for me. She touched my heart like the hand of God as she leaned in to comfort me with her tiny hands and gentle caresses, " don't you worry mama. You don't have to change. You don't have to be 'better' for me. It's ok to be sad. You are perfect just the way you are."

I covered my mouth with amazement & sobbed because that struck me as truth & it felt as if time stood still in one healing moment. Maybe I'm not getting what I want out of my relationship, but I am not alone. This child sees and knows the truth about me. I have been holding onto this key words, words that some of us may have not taken seriously before. "You're perfect the way you are." My goodness... I can stop trying so hard.

She gave me permission to stop trying so hard to be better & fix & do only to end up so terribly disappointed. I don't have all the answers, but that's ok. I'm going to practice not trying so hard and see what happens.

We all want to be known. The st. Francis prayer comes to mind. Seek to understand rather than being understood. Seek to love rather than be loved. Where there is darkness, may I bring light. (Jumbled up of course).

May we seek to hear the cries of others, if we, ourselves really want to be heard in return.

Let the World Wait ...

Approval seeking. We all want to be and know we are good enough.

In the early hours of the morning, I found myself tossing and turning in bed alone... wondering what people think of me. Particularly, wondering what my partner's family thinks of me after all these desperate moments I have had during this pregnancy reaching out to them for help out of fear I will end up with the same situation I have with my first child's dad. Complete chaos & emotional abuse with that man. I've had moments of fearful desperation so afraid of how this new dynamic will play out, so afraid to struggle as a single mom of two children, so afraid I am incapable of a relationship... just so afraid.

My best friend just wrote a blog for the Huffington Post (huge milestone), and it reminded me the only approval I need to be ok is my own. That's the biggest lesson I have been learning over the years. Relationship success or no relationship, job or no job, recognition or no recognition, I am a precious child of God walking this earth doing the very very very best I can. Not only am I doing the very best I can, I consciously work to remove all barriers in my life. That's more than I can say for half the people I know or more. So, can I love myself despite what others may or may not think of me? Of course I can.

There is ONE life, ONE God, ONE Love, and I am not excluded from this ONE family on earth.

The walls I have built around my fortress are vast, tall, and wide with alarms everywhere. And, I decide this is ok. It's ok that this is the path I have created because it's my path... my sacred precious path, and there's no reason in the world to be ashamed of it. It's going to take time for me to identify & break down all these walls I've created one by one with each courageous effort. Let the world watch. Let the world wait. They can all just wait while I take my sweet time unraveling this puzzle. There's no rush.

I am so touched by the people who have chosen to hold my hand through this process, and even more by the ones who have burned deeply along side me. Especially, this brave man who has chosen me and has picked up everything within reach to help me break these walls down for good so I can be free.

My hope is to inspire others to be so bold in their efforts to free themselves both physically, if they're  under someone or something's control, and metaphorically- from deep within.

So then, in this context... we need not worry if other people think we are good enough. This is the path. This is your sacred path no matter what it looks like from the outside, YOU KNOW what's on the inside. I KNOW what's on the inside.

mmm. mmm. mmm.

My Thorns

What if the only way to heal was to truly walk through the fire of your heart... on a deeper level than you even thought humanly possible where your whole world paradigm begins to shift and shake? How could this be the hidden path to freedom?

Trip out on that. 

We all have thorns in our hearts that burn, burn like crazy. We all have our different and varied ways of relating to these pains. Some of us build protective devices so we can still function in the world and avoid letting people rub up against our wounds. Some of us just avoid getting close to people all together. Some of us, like me, enjoy & try to be close to others, but if they accidentally rub up against a thorn of mine all hell breaks loose like an episode from the exorcist. 

Medicine, therapist, hospitals, rehabs, & 12 step groups have all taught me to be ashamed of the way I relate to these wounds in my heart. I have always believed I am wrong for the intensity of emotions that I experience throughout my life. "Tell yourself & the world your an alcoholic everyday," they would say. "Maybe she has border-line. Wait, no, she's too advanced for borderline." "She's a victim of a violent crime." "She's a troubled youth." "You should feel wronged, Robin, they hurt you. You are suffering from heavy trauma."

At the deepest core level of my human being-ness, I decided & believed I was born flawed & for that I am unlovable. Not only that, I am incapable of love. For that, I deserved everything bad that happened to me & somehow it was my fault. 

I don't believe that anymore. I am responsible for the decisions I made about the bad things that happened, but I am not responsible for the acts themselves. I am responsible for the suffering that I have endured & if I don't do something about it, I will be responsible for the suffering I will allow to occur in my future. 

Taking my power back completely & freeing myself from this paradigm of suffering has been my mission. I just didn't know what it would truly be asking of me. I did not know the level of pain I would have to tap into & for the length of time I would have to endure & explore in order to accomplish this mission. But, there's no turning back. 

We must allow ourselves to notice when someone or something rubs up against our thorns & instead of listening to the world who pathologizes everything, we have to face it. Not to say let someone smack you around. That's obvious... physical danger, run. Emotional danger, get curious, explore, endure, witness because the one who is watching is the one unaffected. There is someone inside ourselves watching this play unfold while our minds & bodies just get swept away in the trauma. This someone is your spirit. The indwelling place of God. The holy spirit inside us who stands in strength & neutrality just watching this human experience.. 

When it rises, you have to notice your breath, notice your fighting thoughts, notice your judgments or yourself & the person... can you, this time, sit in the fire of your own heart & let it burn. Can you recognize the process unfolding?

The only way to take out the thorns is to find them & with courage be willing to let awareness pull them out one by one. 

And for this girl, that's like asking me to walk on shards of glass in a house of horrors... but from my experience so far, it's all just a freaky freak show illusion.

May God be with me and be with you on this journey. May we be blessed with the courage of a fierce warrior as we fight for the ultimate freedom. 

I Fought for You

I'm lucky lately when I don't go immediately back to bed after giving a morning stroll to the kitchen for some water or healthy wake me up snack. I'm a month and a half pregnant, scared, insecure, and experiencing chronic depression which I previously thought not possible. I thought my darkest days had been left long ago in the streets of beautifully polluted Los Angeles.

I was wrong. That darkness, that gut wrenching pain, that out of control lost feeling is back, and I am fighting everything and everyone like a cat clawing its way out of drowning waters. One day, I literally felt like I was drowning in hell with no one to turn to. Like what it might feel like to watch your child be murdered in broad day light & your screaming for help and everyone sees you, but no one does a thing to help. Ya, that's how I felt a couple weeks ago, but about myself. I'm still recovering from that day with scars to prove what I am going through is deep enough to penetrate all layers of my happiness and hope. I've been searching for the lesson in this all... feeling paralyzed with fear and exhausted with anxiety. There's people screaming they love me, but it sounds like the quietest pen drop muffled by my resentment that I am even going through this.

I have everything good in my life I thought i'd never have. A really handsome brave man trying to love me, my chance at stopping the cycle of abuse in my family, a college degree, a loving relationship with my daughter....yet my self destructive patterns show their true colors again. This time with vengeance.

Tonight I dragged my gloomy ass to a restorative yoga class once and for all with the intension to be unified with God. I felt my heart calling me home immediately as I placed the eye covers over my face.

On my way home, I was driving hearing my own thoughts. I thought to myself, "jeez, I don't even know what it feels like to feel loved. Have I felt loved before? I must have; it's just been a while I've been depressed that I can't remember." I was searching my memories of feelings trying to remember what it felt like to be loved, and I was having such trouble jogging that feeling. Until all of a sudden, my voice said so loud and strong and clear, "I LOVE YOU ROBIN. THAT'S WHY I AM STILL HERE FIGHTING FOR YOU."

It was strange. Had I thought that thought & then told it to myself or was it God? I don't know, but I felt it like a ton of bricks made up of truth. I thought to myself whoa, that speaks to me. I know what that means... and its right. Something inside myself loves me so much that throughout my whole chaotic, traumatic, beautiful, ugly, crazy life, something keeps putting up the fight for me. Something drives my ass to a yoga class, or a nut house, or a therapist. Something empowers me to overcome addiction, bulimia, society's ridicule of my exploitation. Something stopped me from taking my life more than once. Something keeps me hanging on to hope because it believes in my freedom & happiness. That something is inside of me, and even if I can't feel the love of anything else... I can know and feel that love I have for myself to keep fighting for my life.

This time my strategy is not violence, but to make friends with my demons and see what the mother fuckers wanted from me this whole time.

Like a Warrior Goddess.

The Words "I love you" are so boring

The words "I love you" are so boring
They're the only ones we're given to express this deep human connection
yet the words fall like blank bullets out of my mouth piercing nothing, nothing at all
disappointing me, failing to mean what I want them to mean

They are so boring and meaningless in the light of what I'm aching to say

How then can I release this explosion of human experience?
How then can I make sure the one's I "love" know this experience manifesting within me?
How then can I feel satisfied and relieved expressing my truth about the greatest sensations and knowings ever to arise?

So, I vomit. I vomit from the heart.

It's the way my hands melt into yours letting the warmth overcome me, seeping through layers of skin
The blood pulsating through my face and swirling in my eyes when we look at each other
That deep knowing of being seen
That deep feeling of tears arising in my throat
 The gratitude and humility of having the privilege to start seeing someone back
That innocence in their eyes, that soul so hungry to be seen
I see the years, maybe even life times of this person waiting to be seen, so deserving
Knowing it's me that has been chosen to see them
The fear that melts away and the time that stands still
It's the safety amongst the uncertainty
When you see someones actions line up consistently for the first time
The awe and wonder in my ears, eyes, nose, and temples of my forehead when I look at you
The knowing, just the knowing of something greater then us.

Something magical. Something fierce.

Waiting in Destruction

Other people with this brain of mine most likely would of put a bullet in it long ago. I stand here having beat the odds. According to social welfare statistics, I also am destined to live in poverty and be a child abuser. Everyday, I have to be the warrior of not only my life, but my almost 6 year old daughters life as well. I have worked my tail off to learn what it means to me to be a whole and healthy mother, to learn what success means to me, and to diligently take the next courageous step for my freedom. Yet, times are so hard right now, and my next steps feel so unclear. My directions so ambiguous. So, I wait.

I could easily think I am back sliding or that I will never get better inside. My emotional healing journey has felt like I'm in rocky territory, and the pain of my lessons is completely "destroying" me. Thoughts of hopelessness come & go quickly. Feelings of giving up and inadequacy appear every week. My loved ones hold me and pick me back up off the floor. I had zero money for weeks and paid for gas with quarters ashamed to ask my boyfriend or family for help. I have put my resume out to dozens of job ads, and the only thing that comes back are small yet empowering gigs. So, I wait.

I wait in silence and sometimes raging tears. Why God? Why do I have to feel so broken and humiliated for this long when I have worked so hard?

The answer that I am finding is that I am being broken to be made new over and over again. I am not being destroyed and abandoned. I am having every ounce of lies being pulled out of me so that I can see and know the truth of who I am and of life. I am an old soul. I am being made ready to receive what I have always wanted. Or, at least awakening to what has always been there. The layers of deceit are being lifted and I pull them back over my head like tug-a-war with God. Because if I see the truth, the whole truth, I GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Is it possible that I am so terrified of my own beauty because then I will be wrong. Every negative self belief that I have been fed to believe will be proven wrong & I will have to recreate a whole new world view and perception of life. I will have to fully step into my greatness and own it. I will have to not just fake confidence, but exude real and deep self-love against all adversity.

So, I wait... in my pain, in my joy, delighting in the comfort of my beautiful boyfriend and the arms of my sweet daughter, I wait, wait for the work to be done in me so that I can soar on eagles wings, and walk & not get weary. Actively waiting in what feels like complete destruction.

Rise Up & Take Your Place in the World

I felt sad yesterday.

Trying to find my place in the world is turning out to be tougher than I had feared. I just graduated from the #1 public university in the world, you’d think there would be some transitional assistance or that I would have greater confidence in my ability to land an awesome life-affirming job. Rude awakening. We were homeless last October, we are heavily relying on food stamps to get us by, and if it weren’t for the generosity of my friends and family I would not have been able to pay my rent the last 2 months.

I am hanging onto faith with every last ounce of my being, and let me tell you, some days it don’t look pretty.

I was thrilled when a little girl from Izzy’s new school invited us over for a play date. I was so relieved because I feel awkward and shy as a mother.  I am afraid of having conversations with seemingly “normal” sheltered parents in the suburbs. I am afraid they won’t be able to see me for my shocking yet brilliant awesomeness, and end up sizing me up to a hood rat mother, a washed up prostitute, or some other in human creature. Needless to say, I was relieved someone reached out to us first, yet anxiety ridden to have to socialize too while the girls played.

Sure enough, I was my regular honest and transparent self. I avoided shocking details being revealed in my responses and comments. I held my self together and felt brave until little by little I was noticing how much I am struggling financially compared to this other family. I began to feel ashamed when the mother asked me if I had Izzy signed up for any after school programs while she explained how good it is for them and how her kids go to this expensive program that shuttles them back and forth to activities. Meanwhile, my life looks like scrambling to get time to take a shower, do the dishes, and work on the computer for couple hours while Izzy is at school because I can’t afford childcare let alone extra activities. There’s never enough time to do it all in that 4 hours and looking for a job takes up the whole time some days.

I let myself feel sorry for myself. I felt ashamed that I am 30 yrs. Old and can barely provide for my child despite my extreme success in college recently. I felt powerless that I can’t even buy mascara or anything I was used to before. I felt sad that we can’t go to gymnastics or art classes. So, I cried to my boyfriend.

Truth is, we have everything we need. Makes me cry tears of gratitude to say that. I chose to make this sacrifice when my trauma brain told me to go back to commercial sexual exploitation. When my low self-esteem creeped back in and told me I was nothing but a whore and that’s the only way I can provide for my child, I told it to “F” off. I fall to my knees and I give God my life, over and over again. I remember that I am not only good enough to have a heart throbbing magical career, I am MORE THAN ENOUGH. I have proven that to myself. I am doing the unthinkable one day at a time. One hustle at a time, I am making ends meet.

Reality is, it’s hard to thrive economically as a single mother. We have to push harder, stay stronger, ask for help, and humble ourselves enough to receive it. We are phoenixes who are born from the ashes that burn us down to nothing. We rise and rise again.

I RISE AND RISE AGAIN.

I know my time is coming and this is all part of the plan. To let go of everything I think I need, to let my ego die completely, to surrender fully… because the joy in living is right here, right now with or without financial security. The lesson is to awaken to the fullness and richness of who I am. I am a warrior mama! And, I will fight for what’s right and just in our lives. With the strength of the people around me loving me, I can wipe my sad tears and take my place in the world without shame. There is no shame in sacrificing comfort for the great calling of my heart.

Thank you Pipi and my dearest Ashley for being my mirror when I forget.  

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Ready to Fly

To Phillip,

Thank you for being being you… this poem is said in a whisper. 

Ready to Fly ~

At a time in my life when I was just about to fly, he came, he really came.

My feet were still touching the ground, I’m scared, so scared.

The fear to let go of everything I held close,  so strong

I need help, I need help.

At a time in my life when I was being called to go higher, he came he really came.

My heart had been ripped back open, I’m scared, so scared.

The fear said I’d never make it out there without the demons, it lied deep lies.

 I need help, I need help.

At a time in my life when I couldn’t house or clothe my child, he came, he really came.

My soul burned everyday telling me to scream my story, I’m scared, so scared.

He held my hand, my heart, my child, my fear, so I’m brave, I can be brave.

It’s ok to need help… I need help! Someone help!

At a time in my life when I was ready to let go, he came, he really came.

My spirit he penetrated teaching me to believe, I’m loved, so loved.

He told me he’s here now, I let my feet lift off the ground, I’m flying, I’m flying. I’m finally flying!

I needed help, he came, he really came.

And She Whispered Loudly

I am beautiful… I am free.

If everything is really a lesson working on my behalf to better this life, then my lessons just keep getting sweeter as the years go by. And by sweet, I do not mean easy, just juicier and softer on the eyes of my heart.

Relationships tend to be one of my biggest triggers, and that makes sense for grown children of traumatic upbringings. And for everyone for that matter. No ones had a perfect life. If the people who were “supposed” to love me and teach me the world was safe accidentally created the opposite scenario for me, of course as I grown up I will not trust, I will struggle to let myself be loved, and the way I view myself will fluctuate in the face of human interactions.

 One of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder is a fluctuating sense of self. It’s where one’s self-perceptions and way of viewing the world change from situation to situation based on the level of perceived safety and/or triggered trauma. I dare to say fuck the westernized diagnosis and disorders… is this not the human experience of many? Especially those who have been beaten with the words and the names of things we are not and never were? Whore, thief, liar, bad girl, bad boy, delinquent, F’s, learning disabilities, failure, depression, cancer, not good at math, stupid, bitch…. Etc.

We were taught to go against our innate nature and to create contradiction exasperated by worldly confusion within the deepest parts of our belief systems. 

So then, if we are so lucky, we choose to embrace our hardships and triggers to break free from the bondage of disillusionment. Last night, I was triggered by telling this beautiful and gentle man the details of my recent past. It’s a heavy thing for newbies in my life to process, let stab them in the gut, and then willingly let the pain drift away like a message in a bottle holding my history… for someone else to pick up one day and find the truth in it all.

I read his voice and became fearful that he will not accept me. I became consumed with the feeling that I am tainted, that I am not “normal,” and I can never tell a normal story to someone I love about my past. My stories are outrageous to say the least and shocking. When you think I couldn’t surprise you more, I do. It’s my life… it’s my story. But, who am I without my story? That is the real lesson here.

Last night I sat with the fear and the sorrow I felt for myself. I felt sadness for the things I put myself through, and I felt regret. Then I realized, this man is not judging me. I am judging me, still. Yes, I have grown by leaps and bounds and have moments of true self-love and miraculous earth shattering revelations… but my insides have not let completely go of the story I tell myself. The story of who I believe I am. The story of how I see myself and relate to the world.

 I sat to meditate on my heart space this morning. I knew the work that needed to be done was inside of me. Whether people judge me or not, whether this man stays in my life or not… the way I view myself and my life does not need to fluctuate.  I REPEAT: it does not need to fluctuate. I need no fixing, no undoing… only the letting go of what IS NOT TRUE. Just be Robin. Nameless, faceless, full of fire and energetic magical spiritual stuff… just having a human experience.

As I sat with my eyes closed in dimmed light before the sun came out, I asked my heart how it was inside. Usually I feel pain in my heart or heaviness, but not this time when I checked in. It had been a while since I checked in with my heart in silence. I felt almost nothing, and I thought to myself, “Is this what openness feels like?” And then a voice, my voice, said loud and clear, yet with no warning, and with the gentleness of a sweet confident whisper “I am freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.” Ok heart. I must be doing a good job; We are free.

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I will be doing everything I can to fight the good fight. Help me make a difference.