Let the World Wait ...

Approval seeking. We all want to be and know we are good enough.

In the early hours of the morning, I found myself tossing and turning in bed alone... wondering what people think of me. Particularly, wondering what my partner's family thinks of me after all these desperate moments I have had during this pregnancy reaching out to them for help out of fear I will end up with the same situation I have with my first child's dad. Complete chaos & emotional abuse with that man. I've had moments of fearful desperation so afraid of how this new dynamic will play out, so afraid to struggle as a single mom of two children, so afraid I am incapable of a relationship... just so afraid.

My best friend just wrote a blog for the Huffington Post (huge milestone), and it reminded me the only approval I need to be ok is my own. That's the biggest lesson I have been learning over the years. Relationship success or no relationship, job or no job, recognition or no recognition, I am a precious child of God walking this earth doing the very very very best I can. Not only am I doing the very best I can, I consciously work to remove all barriers in my life. That's more than I can say for half the people I know or more. So, can I love myself despite what others may or may not think of me? Of course I can.

There is ONE life, ONE God, ONE Love, and I am not excluded from this ONE family on earth.

The walls I have built around my fortress are vast, tall, and wide with alarms everywhere. And, I decide this is ok. It's ok that this is the path I have created because it's my path... my sacred precious path, and there's no reason in the world to be ashamed of it. It's going to take time for me to identify & break down all these walls I've created one by one with each courageous effort. Let the world watch. Let the world wait. They can all just wait while I take my sweet time unraveling this puzzle. There's no rush.

I am so touched by the people who have chosen to hold my hand through this process, and even more by the ones who have burned deeply along side me. Especially, this brave man who has chosen me and has picked up everything within reach to help me break these walls down for good so I can be free.

My hope is to inspire others to be so bold in their efforts to free themselves both physically, if they're  under someone or something's control, and metaphorically- from deep within.

So then, in this context... we need not worry if other people think we are good enough. This is the path. This is your sacred path no matter what it looks like from the outside, YOU KNOW what's on the inside. I KNOW what's on the inside.

mmm. mmm. mmm.

Rise Up & Take Your Place in the World

I felt sad yesterday.

Trying to find my place in the world is turning out to be tougher than I had feared. I just graduated from the #1 public university in the world, you’d think there would be some transitional assistance or that I would have greater confidence in my ability to land an awesome life-affirming job. Rude awakening. We were homeless last October, we are heavily relying on food stamps to get us by, and if it weren’t for the generosity of my friends and family I would not have been able to pay my rent the last 2 months.

I am hanging onto faith with every last ounce of my being, and let me tell you, some days it don’t look pretty.

I was thrilled when a little girl from Izzy’s new school invited us over for a play date. I was so relieved because I feel awkward and shy as a mother.  I am afraid of having conversations with seemingly “normal” sheltered parents in the suburbs. I am afraid they won’t be able to see me for my shocking yet brilliant awesomeness, and end up sizing me up to a hood rat mother, a washed up prostitute, or some other in human creature. Needless to say, I was relieved someone reached out to us first, yet anxiety ridden to have to socialize too while the girls played.

Sure enough, I was my regular honest and transparent self. I avoided shocking details being revealed in my responses and comments. I held my self together and felt brave until little by little I was noticing how much I am struggling financially compared to this other family. I began to feel ashamed when the mother asked me if I had Izzy signed up for any after school programs while she explained how good it is for them and how her kids go to this expensive program that shuttles them back and forth to activities. Meanwhile, my life looks like scrambling to get time to take a shower, do the dishes, and work on the computer for couple hours while Izzy is at school because I can’t afford childcare let alone extra activities. There’s never enough time to do it all in that 4 hours and looking for a job takes up the whole time some days.

I let myself feel sorry for myself. I felt ashamed that I am 30 yrs. Old and can barely provide for my child despite my extreme success in college recently. I felt powerless that I can’t even buy mascara or anything I was used to before. I felt sad that we can’t go to gymnastics or art classes. So, I cried to my boyfriend.

Truth is, we have everything we need. Makes me cry tears of gratitude to say that. I chose to make this sacrifice when my trauma brain told me to go back to commercial sexual exploitation. When my low self-esteem creeped back in and told me I was nothing but a whore and that’s the only way I can provide for my child, I told it to “F” off. I fall to my knees and I give God my life, over and over again. I remember that I am not only good enough to have a heart throbbing magical career, I am MORE THAN ENOUGH. I have proven that to myself. I am doing the unthinkable one day at a time. One hustle at a time, I am making ends meet.

Reality is, it’s hard to thrive economically as a single mother. We have to push harder, stay stronger, ask for help, and humble ourselves enough to receive it. We are phoenixes who are born from the ashes that burn us down to nothing. We rise and rise again.

I RISE AND RISE AGAIN.

I know my time is coming and this is all part of the plan. To let go of everything I think I need, to let my ego die completely, to surrender fully… because the joy in living is right here, right now with or without financial security. The lesson is to awaken to the fullness and richness of who I am. I am a warrior mama! And, I will fight for what’s right and just in our lives. With the strength of the people around me loving me, I can wipe my sad tears and take my place in the world without shame. There is no shame in sacrificing comfort for the great calling of my heart.

Thank you Pipi and my dearest Ashley for being my mirror when I forget.  

Please sign up to follow my blog here & https://chronicleofsocialchange.org/author?id=991

or Facebook.com/robinriverawarrioroflight
 Help me fight the good fight!!!

Ready to Fly

To Phillip,

Thank you for being being you… this poem is said in a whisper. 

Ready to Fly ~

At a time in my life when I was just about to fly, he came, he really came.

My feet were still touching the ground, I’m scared, so scared.

The fear to let go of everything I held close,  so strong

I need help, I need help.

At a time in my life when I was being called to go higher, he came he really came.

My heart had been ripped back open, I’m scared, so scared.

The fear said I’d never make it out there without the demons, it lied deep lies.

 I need help, I need help.

At a time in my life when I couldn’t house or clothe my child, he came, he really came.

My soul burned everyday telling me to scream my story, I’m scared, so scared.

He held my hand, my heart, my child, my fear, so I’m brave, I can be brave.

It’s ok to need help… I need help! Someone help!

At a time in my life when I was ready to let go, he came, he really came.

My spirit he penetrated teaching me to believe, I’m loved, so loved.

He told me he’s here now, I let my feet lift off the ground, I’m flying, I’m flying. I’m finally flying!

I needed help, he came, he really came.

And She Whispered Loudly

I am beautiful… I am free.

If everything is really a lesson working on my behalf to better this life, then my lessons just keep getting sweeter as the years go by. And by sweet, I do not mean easy, just juicier and softer on the eyes of my heart.

Relationships tend to be one of my biggest triggers, and that makes sense for grown children of traumatic upbringings. And for everyone for that matter. No ones had a perfect life. If the people who were “supposed” to love me and teach me the world was safe accidentally created the opposite scenario for me, of course as I grown up I will not trust, I will struggle to let myself be loved, and the way I view myself will fluctuate in the face of human interactions.

 One of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder is a fluctuating sense of self. It’s where one’s self-perceptions and way of viewing the world change from situation to situation based on the level of perceived safety and/or triggered trauma. I dare to say fuck the westernized diagnosis and disorders… is this not the human experience of many? Especially those who have been beaten with the words and the names of things we are not and never were? Whore, thief, liar, bad girl, bad boy, delinquent, F’s, learning disabilities, failure, depression, cancer, not good at math, stupid, bitch…. Etc.

We were taught to go against our innate nature and to create contradiction exasperated by worldly confusion within the deepest parts of our belief systems. 

So then, if we are so lucky, we choose to embrace our hardships and triggers to break free from the bondage of disillusionment. Last night, I was triggered by telling this beautiful and gentle man the details of my recent past. It’s a heavy thing for newbies in my life to process, let stab them in the gut, and then willingly let the pain drift away like a message in a bottle holding my history… for someone else to pick up one day and find the truth in it all.

I read his voice and became fearful that he will not accept me. I became consumed with the feeling that I am tainted, that I am not “normal,” and I can never tell a normal story to someone I love about my past. My stories are outrageous to say the least and shocking. When you think I couldn’t surprise you more, I do. It’s my life… it’s my story. But, who am I without my story? That is the real lesson here.

Last night I sat with the fear and the sorrow I felt for myself. I felt sadness for the things I put myself through, and I felt regret. Then I realized, this man is not judging me. I am judging me, still. Yes, I have grown by leaps and bounds and have moments of true self-love and miraculous earth shattering revelations… but my insides have not let completely go of the story I tell myself. The story of who I believe I am. The story of how I see myself and relate to the world.

 I sat to meditate on my heart space this morning. I knew the work that needed to be done was inside of me. Whether people judge me or not, whether this man stays in my life or not… the way I view myself and my life does not need to fluctuate.  I REPEAT: it does not need to fluctuate. I need no fixing, no undoing… only the letting go of what IS NOT TRUE. Just be Robin. Nameless, faceless, full of fire and energetic magical spiritual stuff… just having a human experience.

As I sat with my eyes closed in dimmed light before the sun came out, I asked my heart how it was inside. Usually I feel pain in my heart or heaviness, but not this time when I checked in. It had been a while since I checked in with my heart in silence. I felt almost nothing, and I thought to myself, “Is this what openness feels like?” And then a voice, my voice, said loud and clear, yet with no warning, and with the gentleness of a sweet confident whisper “I am freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.” Ok heart. I must be doing a good job; We are free.

Please sign up to follow my blog or Facebook.com/robinriverawarrioroflight
I will be doing everything I can to fight the good fight. Help me make a difference.