Waiting in Destruction

Other people with this brain of mine most likely would of put a bullet in it long ago. I stand here having beat the odds. According to social welfare statistics, I also am destined to live in poverty and be a child abuser. Everyday, I have to be the warrior of not only my life, but my almost 6 year old daughters life as well. I have worked my tail off to learn what it means to me to be a whole and healthy mother, to learn what success means to me, and to diligently take the next courageous step for my freedom. Yet, times are so hard right now, and my next steps feel so unclear. My directions so ambiguous. So, I wait.

I could easily think I am back sliding or that I will never get better inside. My emotional healing journey has felt like I'm in rocky territory, and the pain of my lessons is completely "destroying" me. Thoughts of hopelessness come & go quickly. Feelings of giving up and inadequacy appear every week. My loved ones hold me and pick me back up off the floor. I had zero money for weeks and paid for gas with quarters ashamed to ask my boyfriend or family for help. I have put my resume out to dozens of job ads, and the only thing that comes back are small yet empowering gigs. So, I wait.

I wait in silence and sometimes raging tears. Why God? Why do I have to feel so broken and humiliated for this long when I have worked so hard?

The answer that I am finding is that I am being broken to be made new over and over again. I am not being destroyed and abandoned. I am having every ounce of lies being pulled out of me so that I can see and know the truth of who I am and of life. I am an old soul. I am being made ready to receive what I have always wanted. Or, at least awakening to what has always been there. The layers of deceit are being lifted and I pull them back over my head like tug-a-war with God. Because if I see the truth, the whole truth, I GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Is it possible that I am so terrified of my own beauty because then I will be wrong. Every negative self belief that I have been fed to believe will be proven wrong & I will have to recreate a whole new world view and perception of life. I will have to fully step into my greatness and own it. I will have to not just fake confidence, but exude real and deep self-love against all adversity.

So, I wait... in my pain, in my joy, delighting in the comfort of my beautiful boyfriend and the arms of my sweet daughter, I wait, wait for the work to be done in me so that I can soar on eagles wings, and walk & not get weary. Actively waiting in what feels like complete destruction.

Rise Up & Take Your Place in the World

I felt sad yesterday.

Trying to find my place in the world is turning out to be tougher than I had feared. I just graduated from the #1 public university in the world, you’d think there would be some transitional assistance or that I would have greater confidence in my ability to land an awesome life-affirming job. Rude awakening. We were homeless last October, we are heavily relying on food stamps to get us by, and if it weren’t for the generosity of my friends and family I would not have been able to pay my rent the last 2 months.

I am hanging onto faith with every last ounce of my being, and let me tell you, some days it don’t look pretty.

I was thrilled when a little girl from Izzy’s new school invited us over for a play date. I was so relieved because I feel awkward and shy as a mother.  I am afraid of having conversations with seemingly “normal” sheltered parents in the suburbs. I am afraid they won’t be able to see me for my shocking yet brilliant awesomeness, and end up sizing me up to a hood rat mother, a washed up prostitute, or some other in human creature. Needless to say, I was relieved someone reached out to us first, yet anxiety ridden to have to socialize too while the girls played.

Sure enough, I was my regular honest and transparent self. I avoided shocking details being revealed in my responses and comments. I held my self together and felt brave until little by little I was noticing how much I am struggling financially compared to this other family. I began to feel ashamed when the mother asked me if I had Izzy signed up for any after school programs while she explained how good it is for them and how her kids go to this expensive program that shuttles them back and forth to activities. Meanwhile, my life looks like scrambling to get time to take a shower, do the dishes, and work on the computer for couple hours while Izzy is at school because I can’t afford childcare let alone extra activities. There’s never enough time to do it all in that 4 hours and looking for a job takes up the whole time some days.

I let myself feel sorry for myself. I felt ashamed that I am 30 yrs. Old and can barely provide for my child despite my extreme success in college recently. I felt powerless that I can’t even buy mascara or anything I was used to before. I felt sad that we can’t go to gymnastics or art classes. So, I cried to my boyfriend.

Truth is, we have everything we need. Makes me cry tears of gratitude to say that. I chose to make this sacrifice when my trauma brain told me to go back to commercial sexual exploitation. When my low self-esteem creeped back in and told me I was nothing but a whore and that’s the only way I can provide for my child, I told it to “F” off. I fall to my knees and I give God my life, over and over again. I remember that I am not only good enough to have a heart throbbing magical career, I am MORE THAN ENOUGH. I have proven that to myself. I am doing the unthinkable one day at a time. One hustle at a time, I am making ends meet.

Reality is, it’s hard to thrive economically as a single mother. We have to push harder, stay stronger, ask for help, and humble ourselves enough to receive it. We are phoenixes who are born from the ashes that burn us down to nothing. We rise and rise again.

I RISE AND RISE AGAIN.

I know my time is coming and this is all part of the plan. To let go of everything I think I need, to let my ego die completely, to surrender fully… because the joy in living is right here, right now with or without financial security. The lesson is to awaken to the fullness and richness of who I am. I am a warrior mama! And, I will fight for what’s right and just in our lives. With the strength of the people around me loving me, I can wipe my sad tears and take my place in the world without shame. There is no shame in sacrificing comfort for the great calling of my heart.

Thank you Pipi and my dearest Ashley for being my mirror when I forget.  

Please sign up to follow my blog here & https://chronicleofsocialchange.org/author?id=991

or Facebook.com/robinriverawarrioroflight
 Help me fight the good fight!!!

Accidental Magician? God?

I swear I believe in magic.

There's no way for it to not exist. I have experienced it over and over and over again throughout my life even as hellish as it had been for most of it. Whatever I create in my mind, in my heart, proceeds to manifest. Is it God helping me fulfill my lifes purpose or passions? Is it simply the law of some kinda meta physics, quantum physics, whatever you call it.

One day, I decided to take a leap of faith and walk away from the industry that I thought I knew so well. It's the one where its all been done before, it's all predictable, it's all, I convince myself, I know, but that was a lie. You see, I am learning, now, just how deep the struggle has been trying to survive through this thinly disguised misogynistic life. I can testify to how long and hard the unveiling process can take for someone who was once a seemingly troubled child. How long it will take for a runaway to find a place to call home in the world and in her own heart. How long it will take to get the death grip of security to release from the commercial sex business. How long it will take to to find one's worth after a lifetime of trauma and never-ending hurdles. I'm living it. I have invited the world to watch it unfold.

I had dreams of being a performer as a little girl. That was my number one dream. I knew i'd be a dancer of some sort or an actress even. My most prized and most watched home video is of my whole family being "circus kids." My dad played the music on the guitar, my mom was a bear, my little brother was the trick rider or something, and I... I, of course, was the elegant tight rope walker/dancer wearing nothing but a red Brazilian thong bikini. I was the star in my mind. In this moment, there was no pain, no fighting, and way before thoughts of suicide. I was free still.

This is one of the few happy memories I can remember as a child. I trained hard as a dancer. I was a natural they would always say, but year after year I died inside until one day I quit. I've tried to go back, but felt so crappy about loosing my technique.

Throughout my time as a runaway child, escaping the horror of my home, I was sexually exploited in more ways than one. Finding myself institutionalized multiple times a year, I got used to the system meanwhile missing out on normal activities like school and socialization. By the time I found the adult industry , I thought so low of myself from all the years of abuse. Blaming myself above everyone else, I let the self-hatred sink deep. I thought the adult business all I was good for and it was the only way I could have a tiny piece of that dream. I knew I was meant to shine for the world. That's the only way I could come alive out of my shyness and sadness. Of course the manipulation and exploitation I experienced during my life has gravely contributed to this involvement, but I never told anyone about this being my cop-out deal with myself. I needed to justify my “choices.” I was making these choices now right? Or was I? Are agents traffickers? Are the men who sent me on trips traffickers?
 

      Recently, I was journaling asking the "spirit guides," whoever they are, to guide me to my next moves and to show me the way. I was instantly inspired to put the pen down and reply back to this yoga/circus movement gig. That night I dreamt about circus all night long; I even had a circus themed wedding in that dream. When I woke up, the magic began. Someone I was thinking of strongly contacted me at 7am with advice of how to train for circus performances. I was on it. Then I was asked to shadow a that gig I responded to, and the trainers sweatpants said CIRCUS on the butt (as a preschooler so bluntly pointed out to me). I've been racking my brain all day, how can I afford to train at this studio and play and have fun with my body? I just am so scared, yet my heart racing with excitement like a child. THEN... I got an email from the one circus gig I got to do recently instantly inviting me to join them on their New Years show! Now, the other part to this story is that a porn site had also invited me to do their end of a New Years show & something inside me just couldn't settle with it as much as I need the money... now I don't have to settle or worry about having integrity. The decision is all mine. Now if that is not 2 days of some serious manifestation... I don't know what to tell you people. I swear. I have to write this all down, so I can believe its real. I have to remember because dark days will come again... I have to remember the magic is always there when I reach for it.

PS I got a gig this month getting paid to.... dun dun dun.... WRITE!!!!!

Thailand: A Time For Transformation

"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment." ~Echkart Tolle

I experienced this amazing, magical kinda love this year. I mean jaw dropping, radical partnership that abruptly came to an end when my intuition was tugging at me to make a shift. My partner, for whatever reason, said some things that led me to believe he wasn't on board & that I had lost him. I was devastated. I was about to leave for my first worldy trip with him in weeks and now all our plans were upside down. I was sure I would marry this man on the beach one day & he would adopt my daughter... and we'd grow spiritually together while traveling the world & helping people. PERFECT! But, no. We are human and fell short on the communication spectrum when the shit hit the fan. I cried heavily for 2 days almost straight. My daughter kept hugging me & telling me "it's gonna be ok mommy, just breath. Im here for you." Those sweet words. Some may judge me & think a child shouldn't be mothering the mother... but I know better. This child is one of my many guru's. She is here to teach me love and strength. I pulled myself up by my boot straps and got ready to embark on my journey to Thailand, ALONE.

I was terrified and the first two days I barely wanted to leave my building except to meet a friend who could feed me and take me out. So many things ran through my mind and I was afraid I was just gonna puss out on everything now that my late boyfriend wasn't here to be my crutch. 

Alone in my apartment in Bangkok, I suddenly realized I was obsessing on the break up. I thought to myself, "i'll show him! I can have fun without him. I can have fun adventures on my own. I don't need anyone." This tape sounds all too familiar. I've said these things to myself as a little girl when I felt alone, afraid, & abandoned... i felt unimportant. I protect myself by throwing my middle finger up & finding freedom in being alone. 

I have been going through ups and downs while in this beautiful country, and while experiencing many firsts for myself. But, I have to admit... I'm not having as much fun as I wanted to. I thought if I can just meet a cute European or Thai guy, i'll feel better. If I can just climb a fuckin mountain wall... i'll show the bf I am strong without him... if I just ran fast enough, work hard enough, loose more weight, down more shots, dance crazier, be crazier... I'll feel better. But, night after night I grieve. I realized after a 30 min skype convo with my best friend, that I can let down my guard and be vulnerable. Im right where I need to be. 

So fine! I am done trying to mask, cover up, be ok, achieve, feel ashamed, feel guilty, etc. I am heart broken right now. I wanna scream sometimes, I have cried on the bathroom floor twice, I have burnt prayers, burnt sage, and tried to do things at my anger. The love of my life has chosen a different path at this time and spending time with other women. I don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt or that I wasn't "too attached" because I was. I am. I still love him. And, like the blog my friend sent me today... I, also, am a woman who grew up experience trauma and chaos and major disappointment. This is not the first heart break. The first heart break came from my family. This is only a reflection of what I need to face and overcome one baby step at a time. Feelings of abandonment, rejection, and fear have been triggered and I am so scared. 

Despite my fear, I keep turning inward and checking in. Last night I had a spiritual experience where I saw myself again and felt so proud of my courage... I let myself off the hook for my recent anger and cruelty to this man. I can let him off the hook a little more today than I did yesterday because I choose love. So, I am writing this to welcome in the pain... I will be brave and know the Universe has my back. I learned today that nothing is mine to keep. Not the love of my life, not my anger, not my magical moments... its all passing by. Mission is to keep staying present with what ever is. And tonight, I am incredibly saddened. 

I vow to wake up tomorrow and do it for me! I vow to climb that damn limestone rock wall for the little girl deep inside me screaming to be free! I vow to travel the rest of my trip with my head high & my heart being held by my own hands. I vow to be present for others and let them be present for me. I don't have to do or be anything ... I am grateful for this experience of not being able to run from myself and to be brave not only in my spiritual life, but in another freakin country. I can do this. 

There was a saying my yoga teacher said in a workshop something like this... "Offer your pain into the blazing fire of your heart, for the fire is not going to burn you but rather purify you"