1/5/2009

Need to scream.....

Where do I begin.....

Born a wild child, I have never experienced this much balance & calmness for this long.... I haven't freaked out, took a trip to the hospital, desperately yelled out at God, or been on any wild goose chases in a long time. I feel so good when I walk to work in Berkeley, passing all the different characters & letting myself take a full breath in hoping my baby has plenty of room & oxygen in there..... but now im thinking what tha fuck. Is this really me? Living & breathing almost like a normal person walking down the street? Oh my God. I feel like I need some action. Some stimulation. Im panicking now. Im used to being on the edge at all times..... & now im so far from the edge with this semi lost feeling. I guess this is what they call healthy adjustment. Am I still fun..... am I ever going to feel sexy again.... is it ok that I abandoned everything I used to own & know... am I ok? I dunno why Im writing this, I already know the answers. But the discomfort I feel right now leads me to think that the best answer might be to scream from the deepest part of my stomach in the middle of the street. and then go on continuing what Im doing.

jan 17, 2009

In this Body

I  came across this organization who had a booth next to ours at the Yoga Journal Conference, that helps teen girls in the juvenille system find self respect and happiness through the art of yoga. My heart started pounding and I knew this is something I can do! I always knew I am meant to help people ever since I was a little girl. The way it made me feel like a ball of fire was in my stomach meant this is what Im good at. Not to mention all the pain & torment I've been through needs to be put to some good use and it needs to be NOW not later.
So I left the conference thinking to myself, "what would I say to a teenage girl, locked up & broken?" I began to think of all the things I did & felt myself and this long journey I been on to heal. ANd it has been long.... up & down & all around but always ending up stronger & wiser at the end of each lesson. Then I had this overwhelming realization.....
Holy shit. This body I live in is awesome. This body that yoga and self care has helped me appreciate. This body that I abused so bad and put through hell & back 100 times STILL LETS MY SPIRIT LIVE IN IT. I still get to live & breath in this flesh. These feet still take me where I need to go. This heart still lets me feel love and happiness after alll the sadness. Not only that but its blessed me with a growing life in my tummy......HOW GREAT! It must love me or something. What have I done to deserve this? Maybe Ive done nothing and need to start.

feb. 18, 2009

RESPONSIBILITY

   So I am finding when something is really weighing on my heart, these little blogs really help release stuff. Here it goes again.
In the midst of my search for something better, anything..... I found myself a lil boyfriend. Lots of wierdos & sometimes nice guys attempted dating me while I was in La but I was in Robin's world. I had no time or enough space in my brain to let someone closly into my life, especially not a man. I was consumed with making money, partying, being center of attention & most importantly being free. So why did I let my guard down little by little for this guy. Lets call him Henry. I guess I felt a deep need for comfort & some sort of stability & he seemed to offer me that. I was in a lot of pain torn between my hearts desires & old demons. He befriended me & saw something in me worth saving. And thank God for him during that time. Soon he realized just how deep my pain was & how powerless he really was when it came to trying to control me. I believe he loved me at that time & I really loved him..... whether it was pure or selfish... i dunno. So we broke up. And my life continued to spiral downward til I  got to a point where I had enough of this weak girl shit!!! I decided to abandon all my belongings & go home to my family where I should of been a long time ago. Henry was still my friend & supported me in my new journeys. 
I was exhausted but my heart was on fire. I was ready to suck it up & try my best to leave the past behind me & start healing. The details i was not sure of & i was really scared but God washed over me with a sense peace & comfort. I looked for jobs & was about to start working 7 days a week. (for chump change, mind you)With the love & support of my friends/ family got through one week, and then.......................
I discovered I was pregnant. I laughed & giggled as my friends excitement comforted me. I just knew this was all part of God's plan. Never once did I think abortion was an option. I knew this was going to change my life & whatever promises I made to myself were now set in stone & I was gonna work my tail off to heal & prepare myself for mommy hood. Life suddenly got serious, and I could plainly see what was important & what was not. My ambitions intensified, my old worries & bad habbits faded away, my heart grew even bigger. I was excited for my new LIFE!! 
This Henry guy...... turned out not to be the loving friend I thought he was. He turned on me when I told him. And 8 months into my pregnancy, still wants nothing to do with our precious baby girl. Today he told me it was my decision to have her, not his, so I have to suffer the financial consequences & he will not help. My heart lit up like a freakin torch & I let him know that i am proud to say  " YES I DO want this baby girl & i want her with all my heart! And I will never deny her the love she deserves!" God damn it. (sorry God, Im makin a point). I will never feel sorry for myself to be a single mom, because I chose this man out of all the men I could of dated or gave a chance, I chose Henry. Yes I was spiritually sick & attracted the likes of him, but I take responsibility. And it's ok. I had poor judgement in men. But I will do everything in my power to provide the least amount of suffering for my daughter as possible from this. To me that means I owe it to my daughter to be the very best woman that with the help of God, I can be! It means forgiving Henry & not shutting the door on the chance that he might change & come looking for her. It means I forgive myself for alllllll my mistakes. It means I surround her with healthy & loving people & never drag her through unnecessary relationships. It means when I feel like giving up, I'll try even harder!!! I wish Henry could feel all the peace & love that I get to feel everyday because of who this lil baby drives me to be.God Bless Him

july 20, 2009

The Baby Within

   The overflow of pure joy & new awareness continues to take me to places I've never been. Not only is my sweet darling Izabella here to stay, but the very essence of my BEING is as well! Three months have gone by so fast after delivering this lil angel, and everyday I fall deeper in love with her & with life. I've never known a feeling so sweet... when she looks up at me with those big clear eyes & the corners of her mouth curl up like joker, my heart melts into a million pieces, i can barely pick them back up. I dunno where she came from, I dunno how I can be held responsible for her, & I dunno what else to do except listen to the whispers of my natural given insticts & pour my love into her like tomorrow will never come. Only I can't help but realize how much life is still ahead. I feel so lucky, so blessed & so young on this journey to self discovery, healing & liberation. My mama tells me im 100 steps ahead of where she was when she had her first child. That reassures me im doing well coming from her. My biggest fear used to be of becoming my mother.... but as my heart continues to reveal its self to me, I see all the beautiful things in my mother that are coming out of me. I know now I am my own person, on my own path with ups n downs & twists n turns, and its neither good or bad, perfect or imperfect.... it just IS. And see the beauty in it all. I see purpose in all my failures, maybe not all clearly but definitly feel purpose lol. There's been so many coinsidences in my life i can not deny theres a God...... one woman prayed at my feet when i volunteered for Katrina relief in New orleans.   she told me God wanted her to tell me I am going to be a really great mother one day.... the way she held onto my feet & the conviction in her words resinated in my heart & i believed her.! I felt it in the core of my being that God wanted me to know that... 3 yrs later her I am with the comfort of that woman's words.

I'm in an intensive Anusara Yoga Immersion currently & taking my practice deeper with the hopes of becoming an amazing teacher one day. Through out this training I set my intension to be for healing & growth.  NOW My life is being flooded with that intension whether I like it or not. Some days are intense when all my uglies surface to the top & im left to face my fears head on, learn new ways to cope, new ways to see myself, new ways to love. Uncomfortable at times? YES. The path to which i find freedom & bliss? FOR SURE. I had an experience the first week of the immersion. We were chanting this beautiful song which was like singing a sweet lulaby to yourself.... then we began to whisper it with the idea of whispering it to an infant... tears began to well up in my closed eyes. Then the teacher asked us to picture our favorite baby picture of ourselfves.... I immediatley flashed to this sweet picture of me about 2yrs old with my head tilted to one side & the sweetest smile you've ever seen. Then he said "THIS IS YOU" this is who you truly are. I knew what he meant & i swear to God my heart felt like it was PIERCED with shock & rememberence!!!!!!!!! tears fell profusely down my face & I almost sobbed not able to sing the rest of the song. I felt the incredible softens of that little girls face, I wanted to kiss it like I kiss Izabella..... I felt the most indescribable love I've ever felt.... even more than when I first saw Izzy.... and it was for myself? how bizarre, yet real. It was like a family reunion with the most special relative you've ever had & you thought they had died long time ago. 

The Fire (un edited)

    So this fire I talk about..... what is this. This feeling between my heart & my throat; it just burns with passion, with ideas, with convictions, with the realization I have so much to do in this life time & not enough time. I prayed a prayer after hearing a very moving song one day a while back. I asked God to break my heart for what breaks his. OOPS. it came true. My heart is breaking for humanity in more ways than one. Im being flooded with awareness & information on a couple of issues that have stood out to me, that speak to me deep. One issue is the issue of abortion. I could bust out the statistics but I don't have much time to research at the moment, but I do know that every 27 seconds another baby was aborted. My heart breaks for the innocent lil lives that were never given a chance. People can argue til they are blue in the face, and maybe I don't have all the facts memorized just yet but my heart speaks loud n clear. Loud that this is wrong that someone has to stand up for the innocent and/or support the women who get abortions & have to live with the guilt.
   My life had been so consumed with my own issues... Once the blinders were lifted & my head cleared.... the true me was revealed. A person who is meant to stand up for injustice, to fight for whats right, but most importantly to lead by example. I am not perfect. I have skeletons, but those dark ugly things have surfaced & I believe everyday God & I are weaving them into the most beautiful things about me. I have this fire in me to be the change.... to stand by my convictions & follow my heart where ever it may take me.... I feel like this world has painted a picture for women to think abortion is a great option, to see it as normal. Everyone I talk to just talks about it as matter of fact... like if a child has a cleff lip or down syndrome or you aren't equipped .... then abortion is the way to go. WHat a lie! If the world could see the process of aborting, if they could see the what that child would of been, or what gifts he might have had to add to life..... they would feel different i'm sure. My dream is to stand up for those babies, help support & prepare scared new mothers, offer my unconditional love & show my daughter how live a life worth living. There is another issue i'm aching to address but i will save that for a later time. I mostly just needed to express this fire that is driving me inside. Where was it before? Why is it so strong now? Why does it feel soooooo good? I am so lucky to have this life, this heart that is breaking for others, this beautiful daughter to nurture, this family to let heal, & this world to leave an imprint on.
I am ready... one foot in front of the other. There's no turning back.