To Be Known

One of our deepest yearnings is to be known... In all our glory and our mess... to be seen, to be heard, to be felt, to be known. And ultimately to be cherished and ushered by someone on this pathway home. At least that's mine. Many times growing up, I felt so alone and unknown. I embarked on a journey to know and be with myself. I don't hide secrets, I rarely catch myself in a lie or embellishment simply because of this deep yearning to not be alone in the dark ever again. My prayer goes like this...

Oh dear God,

I don't have the answers, I don't know the truth
But when my heart aches, let me be heard, please let me be heard

I've been trying so hard, I've ran out of ideas
Frustrated with furry, let me bleed it out

God, when I pour out my heart, let me be seen, let me be seen!

Let me be loved. Let me be held. Let me be healed. And above all, let me be known.

Yes, God. Let me be known.

...
My little 6 yr. old crystal baby saw me sobbing in my bed recently after another miscommunication with my partner. I spiraled into a deep depression, I couldn't find my way out of for about 2 days... But this girl. She knows something I don't. She sees something so clearly that is so foggy for me. She touched my heart like the hand of God as she leaned in to comfort me with her tiny hands and gentle caresses, " don't you worry mama. You don't have to change. You don't have to be 'better' for me. It's ok to be sad. You are perfect just the way you are."

I covered my mouth with amazement & sobbed because that struck me as truth & it felt as if time stood still in one healing moment. Maybe I'm not getting what I want out of my relationship, but I am not alone. This child sees and knows the truth about me. I have been holding onto this key words, words that some of us may have not taken seriously before. "You're perfect the way you are." My goodness... I can stop trying so hard.

She gave me permission to stop trying so hard to be better & fix & do only to end up so terribly disappointed. I don't have all the answers, but that's ok. I'm going to practice not trying so hard and see what happens.

We all want to be known. The st. Francis prayer comes to mind. Seek to understand rather than being understood. Seek to love rather than be loved. Where there is darkness, may I bring light. (Jumbled up of course).

May we seek to hear the cries of others, if we, ourselves really want to be heard in return.

Let the World Wait ...

Approval seeking. We all want to be and know we are good enough.

In the early hours of the morning, I found myself tossing and turning in bed alone... wondering what people think of me. Particularly, wondering what my partner's family thinks of me after all these desperate moments I have had during this pregnancy reaching out to them for help out of fear I will end up with the same situation I have with my first child's dad. Complete chaos & emotional abuse with that man. I've had moments of fearful desperation so afraid of how this new dynamic will play out, so afraid to struggle as a single mom of two children, so afraid I am incapable of a relationship... just so afraid.

My best friend just wrote a blog for the Huffington Post (huge milestone), and it reminded me the only approval I need to be ok is my own. That's the biggest lesson I have been learning over the years. Relationship success or no relationship, job or no job, recognition or no recognition, I am a precious child of God walking this earth doing the very very very best I can. Not only am I doing the very best I can, I consciously work to remove all barriers in my life. That's more than I can say for half the people I know or more. So, can I love myself despite what others may or may not think of me? Of course I can.

There is ONE life, ONE God, ONE Love, and I am not excluded from this ONE family on earth.

The walls I have built around my fortress are vast, tall, and wide with alarms everywhere. And, I decide this is ok. It's ok that this is the path I have created because it's my path... my sacred precious path, and there's no reason in the world to be ashamed of it. It's going to take time for me to identify & break down all these walls I've created one by one with each courageous effort. Let the world watch. Let the world wait. They can all just wait while I take my sweet time unraveling this puzzle. There's no rush.

I am so touched by the people who have chosen to hold my hand through this process, and even more by the ones who have burned deeply along side me. Especially, this brave man who has chosen me and has picked up everything within reach to help me break these walls down for good so I can be free.

My hope is to inspire others to be so bold in their efforts to free themselves both physically, if they're  under someone or something's control, and metaphorically- from deep within.

So then, in this context... we need not worry if other people think we are good enough. This is the path. This is your sacred path no matter what it looks like from the outside, YOU KNOW what's on the inside. I KNOW what's on the inside.

mmm. mmm. mmm.

My Thorns

What if the only way to heal was to truly walk through the fire of your heart... on a deeper level than you even thought humanly possible where your whole world paradigm begins to shift and shake? How could this be the hidden path to freedom?

Trip out on that. 

We all have thorns in our hearts that burn, burn like crazy. We all have our different and varied ways of relating to these pains. Some of us build protective devices so we can still function in the world and avoid letting people rub up against our wounds. Some of us just avoid getting close to people all together. Some of us, like me, enjoy & try to be close to others, but if they accidentally rub up against a thorn of mine all hell breaks loose like an episode from the exorcist. 

Medicine, therapist, hospitals, rehabs, & 12 step groups have all taught me to be ashamed of the way I relate to these wounds in my heart. I have always believed I am wrong for the intensity of emotions that I experience throughout my life. "Tell yourself & the world your an alcoholic everyday," they would say. "Maybe she has border-line. Wait, no, she's too advanced for borderline." "She's a victim of a violent crime." "She's a troubled youth." "You should feel wronged, Robin, they hurt you. You are suffering from heavy trauma."

At the deepest core level of my human being-ness, I decided & believed I was born flawed & for that I am unlovable. Not only that, I am incapable of love. For that, I deserved everything bad that happened to me & somehow it was my fault. 

I don't believe that anymore. I am responsible for the decisions I made about the bad things that happened, but I am not responsible for the acts themselves. I am responsible for the suffering that I have endured & if I don't do something about it, I will be responsible for the suffering I will allow to occur in my future. 

Taking my power back completely & freeing myself from this paradigm of suffering has been my mission. I just didn't know what it would truly be asking of me. I did not know the level of pain I would have to tap into & for the length of time I would have to endure & explore in order to accomplish this mission. But, there's no turning back. 

We must allow ourselves to notice when someone or something rubs up against our thorns & instead of listening to the world who pathologizes everything, we have to face it. Not to say let someone smack you around. That's obvious... physical danger, run. Emotional danger, get curious, explore, endure, witness because the one who is watching is the one unaffected. There is someone inside ourselves watching this play unfold while our minds & bodies just get swept away in the trauma. This someone is your spirit. The indwelling place of God. The holy spirit inside us who stands in strength & neutrality just watching this human experience.. 

When it rises, you have to notice your breath, notice your fighting thoughts, notice your judgments or yourself & the person... can you, this time, sit in the fire of your own heart & let it burn. Can you recognize the process unfolding?

The only way to take out the thorns is to find them & with courage be willing to let awareness pull them out one by one. 

And for this girl, that's like asking me to walk on shards of glass in a house of horrors... but from my experience so far, it's all just a freaky freak show illusion.

May God be with me and be with you on this journey. May we be blessed with the courage of a fierce warrior as we fight for the ultimate freedom.