Tuesday, June 13, 2017

To My Children: I Chose This

I chose this my sweet angels. I chose you! I chose to be a single mom...

Izabella, I had every reason to believe I was not ready to be a mother, but when I saw that pregnancy strip I knew in the depths of my soul that I was meant for this, that I could do it, and that something miraculous was about to happen to my life for the first time ever. And, sweet heart, it did. It did beyond my wildest dreams at the time.

I knew you would be my miracle, but I had no idea how far you would take me. Everyday that I look at you, I remember what you gave me. You gave me life. I chose you thinking I was giving you life against all odds and societal mores... but you in turn gave me a wonderful, exhilarating life. I fought for us baby girl, and I'll fight until the end. You are my soul sister and we have traveled through many lives together. I got you babe.

Atreyu, my sweet prince. I thought I was ready for you, but you my honey knocked me on my butt. Creating you brought me to my knees on so many levels I will one day tell you. I loved you so much growing inside my tummy despite every pain the pregnancy brought me. I had a liver disease that required me to pay attention to keep you alive. And, I did. I was so relieved to see your fat screaming gorgeous face when you came out. We did it... mama kept you alive. I even fought the doctor to take you out before he wanted to and he said my instincts were right.

You are the prince of my heart... I will do anything to teach you and protect you and raise you to be the kind of man this world needs.

And, my sweet Star, I don't care what the hell theses doctors have to do to me to keep me alive for you! I CHOSE YOU AND I WILL CHOOSE YOU FOREVER. There's nothing anyone can tell me about when the spirit enters the embryo or what I can or can't handle. My heart chose you. I knew I could rise to the occasion. I knew I would get over what other people thought of a single mom of 3 kids. I chose this. I listened to my heart... my heart said this is your daughter & you can & you will do it, Robin. I had no idea I was going to have to come close to death to do it, and it makes no difference to me.

I will lay on the hospital bed and come close to bleeding to death for you, all of you. I will climb any mountain to provide for you. I will face any demon to heal for you. I will love myself so fully, so holy, so completely so you will know who you can be too! I will weep for you, I will celebrate you, I will honor you no matter what you do in life. You are my destiny, my angels, the spiritual path who chose me back.

I love you all & I will come out of this surgery strong & onto the next life thing.