As usual when I am inspired to write, I do not plan what I will put down. I do have to say that I have a burning desire in my heart right now to express... to share what I'm experiencing.

My recent boyfriend bailed on Izzy and I a month ago or so, and surprisingly despite the sadness, I have been waking up everyday with this incredible energy and motivation. I remember this from before when I was pregnant with Izzy, starting school, diving into a yoga practice, determined to heal. My heart and ass were almost literally on fire. I have that same fire right now blazing in my heart. As I write this my chest is full of this incredible excitement and warmth. I am just so burning with excitement for my life... to be a part of YOUR life (whom ever that may be) and to just jump head first into everything that delights my spirit: rock climbing!! snowboarding!! dancing!! scholarships!! money!! being in nature!! being present for my daughter!! adventures!! graduating Cal & grad school!! moving closer to the beach!! being more loving & loud about it!! I mean list goes on & on. I want to inspire others so badly!

So, anyways, I've been meditating everyday, diving deeper into my yoga practice which I believe is somatic therapy for deep issues, and allowing myself to feel the depth of my feelings. I am dedicated to self-love, getting through blockages, and believing in my path even if people walk out of my life because it's not the path for them aka boyfriend. As a result, some weird stuff is going down ya'll!!!!! I had a kundalini experience yesterday and I am about to share it with you.

Goes like this... I had rough day prior to this amazing day dealing with welfare systems, legal systems, and just highly stressful things to make ends meet. I cried a lot but I got through it all and had 5 hours of physical activity between it all. Did I become super woman? I dunno how I did it. The next day I woke up at 4am to meditate (dedicated I TELL YOU ha ha) and do last minute homework. The rest of the day seemed to flow easily and effortlessly in comparison to the day before. I felt easeful... easy to talk to strangers which I usually avoid. I found myself shaking peoples hands, being super present, enjoying my daughter more. Wow... I was flowin with the Universe. I saw friends and usually at first I think judgmental thoughts of what i think they are thinking of me, but this time I just reached out to hug them both with confidence, stayed humble, and went about printing a poem. Why printing a poem?? Best part! Because my 1pm 500 person meditation class held by Professor Azevedo was going to change it up and let who ever wants to present a writing, an expression from the heart. I printed my self-forgiveness poem instead of my whore poem intuitively. My heart was pumping. I was so excited for this for some reason to be heard. I sat right in the front... signed one of the random sign up sheets going around for people who want to read. Then I sat back and made effort to be patient and pay attention for each presenter.

The first girl, a total hippy amazingly dont give a fuck kinda girl got up first and had us make the ugliest face we could... awkward but I tried and giggled. We all stood and moved our bodies in a spontaneously way & then she began her poem off top of her head. She was like free speaking. It was so profound and poetic and from the depths of her spirit. I had to swallow the intense knott in my throat. Suddenly, that warm excited sensation that I have been feeling in my heart spread through my entire core, into the bottom of my pelvic floor and up through the top of my head. HOLY MONKEY BALLS am I high? I thought to myself. Something inside me told me this was a gift and to relax and bask in the sensation. So I stayed present with my breath as a few more people went up... each one touching every bone in my body. I mean I felt their insight and inspiration in the depths of my bones so much that I began to get goosebumps up my legs and tingly in the back of my  head. One dorky white boy kid got up and surprised us all. He started free flowin. OMG this boy was a genius. Every line was so creative with so much depth of who he is and radical self-acceptance like explaining how he's different than the rest of the world maybe speakin alien compared to everyone else and how he's been to jail for fighting for what's right etc.... and the intensity that he performed it in was just mind blowing, and brave and radical and scary and brilliant all at the same time. I was just floored. I could barely handle the excitement. I just laughed and holla'd at him as everyone clapped and whistled. AMAZING. Then I was wanting to share mine so bad. And just as I was beginning to know they would randomly pick me next out of all the names, I began to imagine them saying my name in my head and before I could finish, they called ROBIN RIVERA. My friends cheered my name and I began to reveal my heart to this class room of 500 people not knowing I would struggle to read it with a frog in my throat because it was that real & that raw for me. I needed to be heard. I knew someone else in that room needed to hear it. And sure enough after... an young Indian girl came up to me to hug me and thank me and tell me how much it touched her. Wow. I was full blown lit up in all my chakras. Is this what can happen to the human body/spirit just by getting a group together in a sacred space where we try to meditate & then allow each other to creatively express ourselves??? If so, this is the fucking job I wanna do for the rest of my life!!!!! This is where the magic is at. AND, coincidentally my other full blown kundalini awakening happened in the same freaking kinda group setting 4 years ago in a Anusara Yoga immersion 108hr workshop. We did a creative expression night. I pussed out & didn't dance my dance because I was ashamed of how sexy I dance.. I thought I would be judged & then I sat there as I watched a belly dancer delight the room more than any other participant WITH MY FUCKING DANCE MOVES! It was beautiful & I missed my chance to express. But this shows me how much I've grown to come full circle. I did not miss my chance yesterday & I stood their completely unashamed of who I am. 

I want to tell you about the growth I experience later last night when my heart broke over this recent boyfriend and grieving letting him go... but this is getting to long. I'll just say that as my heart was breaking one of my best friends called: Miguel. The angel sent to guide me through that pain on such a very magical day for me. I know this friend SEES me. I mean really SEES me. And, he told me I must be like some extremely evolved human that gets to feel the full spectrum of what humans can potentially feel and experience. He's right. I'm experiencing it alright. May I learn to protect myself... May I never be afraid to love so deeply... may I love harder and longer and deeper... May I not cling to that love for their is abundance... May I never be ashamed of the blessings that I hold... May I share and share and share... and share.

Special thank you also to my dearest girl friend Ashley who pours her heart and beliefs into me, who reminds me who I am every step of the way, who walks with  me week after week, year after year. Thank you for your devotion. I love you.

Letter from the Heart

Dear Robi,

I just want you to know that you are on the right track. This past year especially, you have grown by leaps and bounds. I am so proud of your bravery... every time something big came up like loved ones dying, past traumas being triggered, parenting skills being put to the test, almost facing serious trouble at the #1 public university in the world that you worked day and night to get into, falling into true love & having it rock your world to loosing that love, traveling to a third world country by yourself, learning to surf-rock climb- snow board, rededicating to your yoga teacher training, rededicating to your meditation practice, watching the man you love welcome other women into his heart and mind, you let God bring on the pain and you embraced it, you experienced self-harm behaviors that hadn't shown their ugly face in years, YOU not only got through it... you stood strong, you held on tight to your faith in love, your faith in a power greater at work, your faith in your true ability, YOU held onto your deep desire to heal & you have not given up. You did the emotional & spiritual work & still do every single day. I know how bad you want this. I know how bad you want to be healed. I've watched you willingly take on the challenges & some kicking and screaming, but look what you've learned. You are on the fast track girl. There's no turning back. The ones who can keep up with you and walk with you will. The ones who can't, don't be sad. They will be taken care of... they have their own path. Keep going, Im so proud of you. The veil has been lifted... open your eyes. Look around you... everything that you once believed is no more. It was all an illusion. You are free. Let yourself bask in the freedom. You were never broken. You and everyone you touch are shinning bright. Take a bow.

Love,
Your Light

Gut Checks. Listen to Them.

On the topic of intution, I had a resent disturbing situation with another female whom I had serious gut checks with. My heart wanted to love this girl (new friend) who got too close with my boyfriend while we were taking time apart for a month or so
, but I sensed the imbalance in her & in the friendship. I sensed spiritual danger and unconsciousness in this girl while my sweetheart was unable to call her on her shit because of his own imbalances of being the "nice guy." I was almost willing to sacrifice my comfortability and not listen to my intuition for the sake of other people liking me. SCREW that. The lessons I learned here were to stand strong in who I am, stand strong in my essence by not letting the imbalances and blindness of others shake me. I was sickened by the scenario because I felt tricked and betrayed by this woman and not respected. After my honey stood up for me and explained to her that I felt threatened and uneasy about them spending alone time, she still texted him to hang out and go climbing and expressed being upset. What are the driving forces behind a woman or friend who tests the boundaries of  love and intimacy between two kind spirits especially where she has already overstepped? Both my partner and I have other great friendships with the opposite sex, all of which are non-threatening and feel in alignment with what we are about. What if the roles were reversed? If your a man & your good female friend was madly in love and wanted to respect her new love's concerns by setting some extra boundaries and space for a while, would you respect her & be happy for her? Or would you continue to call and text her to go on solo adventures? Would you express how upset you were about it and seek sympathy from her? Uhhh, I know I sure as heck wouldn't. And this is where I have to practice empathy, love, & understanding!! holy monkey. We are all human, in this condition together. God knows I have my imbalances with my self-esteem being shaken at times and certain things trigger me etc etc on & On. I can have compassion for this woman because I believe she knows not how she is... I can only wish an awakening for her. BUT, at the same time its vitally important to honor your bodies intuition, that sick feeling that turns in your stomach and tells you something is not right with this. It is possible to forgive and love people, yet not let them into the boundaries of your intimate life. Luckily, the man I chose and whom chose me are waking up spiritually on this path at our own pace. We are both open to honoring eachother and learning what that means as we grow together. We can hold space for eachother to work through our imbalances while knowing we have eachothers backs no matter what. The love and adventures and intimacy we share are outta this world and we deeply desire to motivate and inspire as many people as we can to live big like we are. So for that, I am thankful for these lessons on intution, self-love, and forgiveness.

Love yourself enough to set those boundaries and know you are supported by the Universe.

The Miracle Is Found In the Surrender: Miraculous Life of an Ex-Porn Star

Follow my journey as I help others heal:

www.Facebook.com/robinriverawarrioroflight
https://chronicleofsocialchange.org/opinion/the-long-journey-of-a-runaway/8981 

This post is an experiment...

       I consider myself a very blunt and brutally honest person, but there are certain things about my journey that I don't usually share with anyone accept the people very close to me who I cannot shock anymore. Well today I feel called to be absolutely real about how hard it is to choose to leave the sex industry. Sex industry meaning anything in the adult business: stripping, web cam, porn, nude photo shoots etc. I am aware that most reading this will never understand what it's like to be a young woman with limited life skills and find that the sex industry will not only keep you afloat for years to come but drowned you with more money than most your family will ever see. I thought it was my ticket out! My ticket to freedom, fame, and fortune. It was my very best option. As long ago as it was, 5 years to be exact, it still haunts me on a monthly basis. As far as I have come in changing my life by winning over 30 awards and scholarships, after all the speeches I've given, articles written about my success story, and even one standing ovation as a keynote speaker... I still have times that I want to go back to my old life or at least for a quick fix to my finances. To choose everyday not to go back, is huge & only other women & children who have been in the "life" will ever understand what a huge accomplishment that is and the level of balls that takes! It feels like your intestines are being wrung out to say NO to quick money in a world where welfare is cutting me off and giving me another figurative ulcer. I have money & it always keeps coming, but the lies I tell myself override reality at times.
       Honestly, this post is my attempt at an experiment with God, the Universe. I was on the verge of doing web cam under my old stage name recently because I knew I could just chit chat with old fans and make new ones fast. My daughter Izzy & I would have plenty of money for the organic food we like, snow boarding, traveling, and ballet classes not to mention my school books. I thought I had to do it. Welfare just cut me off while I was studying abroad, I spent my money generously on other people and donating, I just always believe that more will come. But then the fear set in... as it always does. And I was ready to throw in the towel, even considering giving up on school and just stacking bread! Im really really good at it. I want control. I want my options back... But today I was reminded of my greatness & given a reminder of my purpose.
        One year ago I made a deal with God that if he helped me win some more scholarships I would not go back to the adult business, and I would stick the hard times out. Well, surprise surprise... I received over $70k in scholarships and grants. Ok FINE GOD! I'll stay, I thought. One of the awards I won was to be a UC Berkeley 2012 George Miller Scholar where I got $7k to conduct my own research on my favorite topic dear to my heart: the commercial sexual exploitation of children in America & more specifically in the bay area. I went through a lot this year and gave up on my project. I was telling them I want to forfeit my award and back out. They didn't let me. They insisted I know my shit and just throw together a last minute power point and deliver. I literally wrote my speech this morning and delivered at 4:45PM never practicing the speech. A miracle happened and some powerful authorative voice took over me as I looked people in the eyes and made my case about the need for residential treatment homes for commercially sexually exploited youth. People came up to me after and loved it. They really really heard me. They acted like I had planned that speech all year. Some want to get involved. I even was encouraged to apply for the bomb other scholarship to continue my research and go on for a PhD ride. Damn, talk about options.
        This moment showed me I have a gift and a purpose much greater than making quick money. It reminded me of those children selling their bodies for money and how I gotta show them the way out. I felt sick and knew I needed to cancel the web cam account that I have yet to start & keep trusting in my path and purpose. It ain't time to throw in the towel. I saw that clearly today. My best friend and lover will be delighted to hear that news I am sure. So, since it worked once before... I am giving this another shot.

God,
I surrender. I surrender it all... please help us. If there is another way beside the adult industry that I can survive and thrive and have all our dreams come true... please show me the way. This is my offering. I give up trying to figure it out my way, the way that was shown to me long ago and led me almost to death. Thank you for showing me today that I am so much more. Please continue to show me everyday so that I can remember. God, it's soooo hard. I forget. Help me remember so that I can help all those other women & girls know who they are. So that they can remember too.
Use me ... let my story be heard. Let it all be worth it. I believe in your miracles.. who ever you are God. I know you're there & have never ever failed me. My life is magical. Help me honor it by staying strong and hold my hand because I am so scared sometimes.

Thank you,
lil' Robi

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I will be doing everything I can to fight the good fight. Help me make a difference.

Thailand: A Time For Transformation

"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment." ~Echkart Tolle

I experienced this amazing, magical kinda love this year. I mean jaw dropping, radical partnership that abruptly came to an end when my intuition was tugging at me to make a shift. My partner, for whatever reason, said some things that led me to believe he wasn't on board & that I had lost him. I was devastated. I was about to leave for my first worldy trip with him in weeks and now all our plans were upside down. I was sure I would marry this man on the beach one day & he would adopt my daughter... and we'd grow spiritually together while traveling the world & helping people. PERFECT! But, no. We are human and fell short on the communication spectrum when the shit hit the fan. I cried heavily for 2 days almost straight. My daughter kept hugging me & telling me "it's gonna be ok mommy, just breath. Im here for you." Those sweet words. Some may judge me & think a child shouldn't be mothering the mother... but I know better. This child is one of my many guru's. She is here to teach me love and strength. I pulled myself up by my boot straps and got ready to embark on my journey to Thailand, ALONE.

I was terrified and the first two days I barely wanted to leave my building except to meet a friend who could feed me and take me out. So many things ran through my mind and I was afraid I was just gonna puss out on everything now that my late boyfriend wasn't here to be my crutch. 

Alone in my apartment in Bangkok, I suddenly realized I was obsessing on the break up. I thought to myself, "i'll show him! I can have fun without him. I can have fun adventures on my own. I don't need anyone." This tape sounds all too familiar. I've said these things to myself as a little girl when I felt alone, afraid, & abandoned... i felt unimportant. I protect myself by throwing my middle finger up & finding freedom in being alone. 

I have been going through ups and downs while in this beautiful country, and while experiencing many firsts for myself. But, I have to admit... I'm not having as much fun as I wanted to. I thought if I can just meet a cute European or Thai guy, i'll feel better. If I can just climb a fuckin mountain wall... i'll show the bf I am strong without him... if I just ran fast enough, work hard enough, loose more weight, down more shots, dance crazier, be crazier... I'll feel better. But, night after night I grieve. I realized after a 30 min skype convo with my best friend, that I can let down my guard and be vulnerable. Im right where I need to be. 

So fine! I am done trying to mask, cover up, be ok, achieve, feel ashamed, feel guilty, etc. I am heart broken right now. I wanna scream sometimes, I have cried on the bathroom floor twice, I have burnt prayers, burnt sage, and tried to do things at my anger. The love of my life has chosen a different path at this time and spending time with other women. I don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt or that I wasn't "too attached" because I was. I am. I still love him. And, like the blog my friend sent me today... I, also, am a woman who grew up experience trauma and chaos and major disappointment. This is not the first heart break. The first heart break came from my family. This is only a reflection of what I need to face and overcome one baby step at a time. Feelings of abandonment, rejection, and fear have been triggered and I am so scared. 

Despite my fear, I keep turning inward and checking in. Last night I had a spiritual experience where I saw myself again and felt so proud of my courage... I let myself off the hook for my recent anger and cruelty to this man. I can let him off the hook a little more today than I did yesterday because I choose love. So, I am writing this to welcome in the pain... I will be brave and know the Universe has my back. I learned today that nothing is mine to keep. Not the love of my life, not my anger, not my magical moments... its all passing by. Mission is to keep staying present with what ever is. And tonight, I am incredibly saddened. 

I vow to wake up tomorrow and do it for me! I vow to climb that damn limestone rock wall for the little girl deep inside me screaming to be free! I vow to travel the rest of my trip with my head high & my heart being held by my own hands. I vow to be present for others and let them be present for me. I don't have to do or be anything ... I am grateful for this experience of not being able to run from myself and to be brave not only in my spiritual life, but in another freakin country. I can do this. 

There was a saying my yoga teacher said in a workshop something like this... "Offer your pain into the blazing fire of your heart, for the fire is not going to burn you but rather purify you" 

Girl In the Mirror

Wow! Here I go with this feeling I get when I have to write. It's like this higher part of me receives a revalation, and I have to let it flow creatively to be fully expressed and experienced...

I have gone through some pretty gnarly transitions and events this last few months, but this is what I am good at. I am on this personal path to uncover all my dark parts, to shed light, and be rid of the painful things that have held me back from being FREE. Free in my spirit, free to love & be loved, free from fear, free from internal anguish and self-destruction. When you are on that path, man the shit sure likes to hit the fan for all to see. The reason for this is #1 to humble you by forcing you to bask in your truth, all of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. #2 it is an opportunity to learn who you are & accept yourself with radical acceptance & radical love regardless of what your best friend says about these events, regardless of the stories that have been played on repeat in your head about who you are & what you do & the reasons for it, regardless of what men or women come in and out of your life. When it comes down to it... YOU are the one who decides what meaning to give to your life, your spirit, and your character. YOU are the one who is responsible for your peace and contentment. YOU are the one who can rid all the terrible things that have happened and to transform them into works of art for the world to enjoy.

Before I receive clear perspective after the all hell seems to break loose, I tend to go into sort of a fog because all my beliefs and old patterns get stirred up. They get stirred up so that radical transformation can emerge and new beliefs can settle in. But man, can it be dark and lonely in the process. I made myself hang on tight and everyday this last month or two I have sat on my meditation pillow bowwing to my own heart, knowing that I can take refuge in thy self. I made this little place inside me my home. The love of my life seemed to turn his back on me as I was going through this transformation, my best friend has lectured me and I feel cut off from her, my family came to my rescue but bringing all their dysfunction along with their love, and mean while I have been trying to pull myself together to prepare to leave the country for the first time 12 years to a country I know little about. It's a lot. But, like I said, this is what I am made for. This is what I asked for. I beg God to keep healing me, I so deeply want to be free from the internal torment I have experience my entire life... the self-destructive habits that can lead me to think death is an option. I mean that is some sure soul torment when you have everyting to live for, but the pain inside is too hard to bear & it feels there is no way out at the time. My heart goes out to anyone who knows that type of utter gutwrenching pain.

Now that the fog is subsiding, I've had glimpses. These are the little gifts I receive from the Universe and seem to be part of the unveiling process. Recently, I have been an energetic magnet. I have been getting FB messages or comments from people that I didn't even know think of me and with their sweet appreciative words my soul opens up a little more to see what I should be seeing instead of the fog. People keep telling me that I inspire them, or that they are in awe of me, my love of life (& this person knew about my recent mental break down even yet she still knows & sees my love of life!), people have been telling me how beautiful I am even though I sometimes struggle with an eating disorder or body image quirks from my modeling days that haunt me, people hug me like they really love being with me, but mostly its these random messages I get from others or see people taking my advice on books, herbal medicine, self-love stuff, and working out... it makes me feel so good like I have a positive impact on people without even trying, just by taking care of myself, being brutally honest, and riding the waves. I feel overwhelmed with appreciation for the kind words that people have given me randomly. THANK YOU. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone & that you all see me... even when I have a hard time seeing myself. Thank you so much and I am inspired to keep telling others when they touch me with their beauty or strength.

This is not all for nothing. This IS FOR SOMETHING! The biggest lesson I am learning is the depths of self love.

Passing the Test

       I believe when you're on the path, the path tests you in order move onto the next level of existence. There's things I wanted to hold onto. Things that elusively persuaded me that I needed. Things that could rip everything I worked so hard for right from under me. Things that no longer mask the pain that my ego tries to avoid. I've been tested. I had to make a choice at the fork in the road as to which life I choose. I can't meander between this life n that... I'm either in or I'm out.

      The lessons I've learned this past month... old survival skills that may have served me in the past to shield myself from danger or the police, will no longer serve me as a yogi, student in the bureaucratic academic world, nor in my relationship with myself. I learned that I can no longer hang onto the notion that I can drink like normal people for the sake of entertainment, nor like the heavy drinkers who can wake up and go about their lives like somewhat happy lil people. I surrender to the fact that God has called me to a higher purpose that requires all my BALLS, all my love, all my willingness, all my strength. There's no running. I confess that I have to let go of the adult industry EVER being an option even if I dropped out of school, even if the money runs out, even if I feel rejected & misunderstood at times by "normal" people (the one's who aren't so wild, the one's who were sheltered, the one's who normal jobs lol). I have other options... I dunno what they are, but someone I trust told me I do and I am willing to discover the freedom in that. I have learned that above all else, I am the one believe in myself through hard times and to follow what fulfills me. I learned to ask for help, YUCK! I learned that guilt is an illusion... the core of who we are never changes and we are all doing the very best we can.

        I've had some alone time yesterday. I went to see an herbal clinic to assist me on this path to healing and to help keep my perspective strong and clear. I felt really supported. Supported by the Universe and support by myself and supported by my loved ones. I did everything my body was telling me to do yesterday: eat a nice spicy lunch, go for a bike ride, study flash cards, take a nap, take a bath, watch a movie, read your May Cause Miracles book etc. By the end of the evening, the veil over my perception has lifted completely. As I walked into my bedroom, I took a few minutes to look deeply into my pictures of my daughter & I, my many awards on the wall (too many to even put up), I saw a picture of my pregnant belly, and one of my AA degree graduation where I wore 3 sashes & two medals. I saw my daughter kissing me sweetly on the cheek in two pictures; she loves me, she really loves me. And, I love her... I felt this incredible love for myself because I fucking did it! I am not the statistic everyone once thought I would be. It's been almost 5 yrs I think since I changed my life... it's not over yet. I not only haven't ruined anything by my bumps in the road, but I have actually grown by leaps and bounds and I gave this child a home and a love that so many children don't have. That is the truth. The truth is not that I am a fuck up, or that I am broken from trauma, or that I am incapable of being loved. I am a resilient human being who strives with all her heart to do good in this life. Wow, I think the herbs were helping first day! I don't write these things from my ego... I write them genuinely from my heart because I have been tested and my vision fogged. I lost sight of my purpose for a minute and the pain in my heart came charging forward.

Today, I embrace this pain as the pathway to the next level of my healing and existence. May all beings be acknowledged for their suffering and may we transcend it into unlimited possibility.

         ...

There's a dulling pain deep inside
where all the  treasures reside

Will it decide to go away?
Or is this the price I will pay?

Some people can't understand
others race to take my hand

Self-love is the answer
to ward off this cancer

I open my heart to embrace it
 in steady silence I sit

Will it test me tomorrow?
 Is love transforming this sorrow?

Some people can't understand
others race to take my hand

The truth is revealing
my power I'll be stealing

I'm not the only one
there's work to be done

Knew It Existed

      Despite lacking the tangible evidence in my home that a sweet kind of love existed, I just knew deep inside that it did. I didn't see it in my parents... not once (sorry mom, don't read this... turn back now <3). I saw an occasional awkward half hug... which, EEW, made my stomach turn every time because it seemed so unnatural for my parents to do. But, I did see love in other people. I can't put my finger on it. I felt an amazing love when I would get the opportunity to help someone when I was little... I felt the love from my Grandmother who let me play with her ancient treasures and dance gracefully like a ballerina. As life went on, I felt so cheated that this love I believed in didn't show up very often in my life. And, I became depressed. Choice after choice, I set myself up to confirm this other belief that I did not deserve to be loved for if my own family didn't love me, something must be wrong with me. Life went on.

Through a series of events, I began to awaken to my true nature & that belief in love still very much alive. I fell in love with this child of mine & oh my God was it rocking my world! I began to date for the first time and feel frustrated that these men, although nice & good looking, did not express that deep, soul touching gentle love that I knew existed. I even told my daughter's father, after we tried to get back together once, that I believe in a special kind of love & I know I deserve it now... He proceeded to tell me, "NO ONE is going to love you the way that you want to be loved, and if you find him, let me know so I can kick his ass!" I laugh at this now, sweet Henry... he just couldn't see me for who I was nor could I completely see him. I believe people can only see your true beauty and gifts if they too possess those gifts or are at a similar level of awakening in life (or by miracle). For a second, I thought something was wrong with me that my standards had gotten too high, or I had one of those over the top expectations of men that I couldn't control. But, none the less I walked away from these dating attempts and focused on loving myself. I kept seeking spirituality and doing what made me happy. I busted my ass in school and rocked the shit out of my community college. I mean it was catastrophic the impact I was blessed to make. I was kind of accepting that maybe that partnership we all seek would be sacrificed for me to serve the world whole heartedly... maybe I would be like freakin mother Teresa or something. I was ok with that.

To my great surprise, this amazing, gentle, patient, wild man came into my life... and completely confirmed for me that I was on the right track with those red flags before. He completely confirmed that someone will indeed love me the way I always wanted to be loved and that a deep, sweet spiritual love does exist. I thought I was possibly broken, unable to receive love, but this man showed me I am not... I was just not in front of the right person or spot. We laugh and play and act completely wild in public. We have had a spaghetti fight in the middle of my kitchen late at night that was part kissing part actually eating &  part throwing meatballs without abandon. We teach each other all our special gifts and explore new things and ideas. He shares his books with me so we can be on the same page spiritually and I share my pranayama & teachings with him as well. It's as if all those lessons before led me up to this point where I could openly receive love in a raw and vulnerable way and stand still... not run. I usually run. This person holds me so close, running isn't necessary nor an option. This love purifies all those things I  thought I missed out on or had ruined by someone or something. This love comforts me in way I never knew could. How can a man know every deep dark nook n cranny that most would have a heart attack knowing, yet be brave enough to walk though it & say, "I feel you. Im here for you," while placing his hand on my heart. It feels like God is blessing me and making up for all the pain I experienced most of my life... I have a vision of God or Goddess (who ever) wiping away my tears, stroking my hair saying, "Don't worry child. I didn't stop the world from hurting you for good reason, but hold on I have a plan; the best is yet to come." Thank you Universe for holding me so tightly and never letting go. Thank you for bringing this man into our life to make up for all the rough times. Thank you for giving me a gorgeous, kind partner to share this amazing journey with... I intend to share our love over and over and over again. I knew that love existed. Told ya!

Raising & Healing At the Same Time

I have a hard time imagining that parenting is really this hard for other people given that other people tend to willingly choose to have more children after the first one. Parenting has become so painful for me I can hardly stand it at times and want to ran out the door screaming for someone to rescue me from my anger, guilt, shame, traumatic memories, and all the lost little parts of me that severed long ago. Despite the pain that has been surfacing in a huge way, I am consistently willing to look at it...to learn...to cope in a new way...to heal and do what ever the next right thing is. I am willing to stop the story of  not being good enough long enough to connect with my true purpose.

Today I cried all the way on the bus ride into my amazing therapists office where I sat crying & texting my best friend/soul mate (Ashley) until I was allowed to unravel completely on the old lady like couch where the magic usually happens. My therapist immediately put me into a "soul retrieval" type meditation because what is happening here is my daughter's showing me parts of myself that are painful, reminding me of times when I was little and not seen and afraid. I'm terrified to create an environment of insecurity for her and that leads me to be hyper sensitive to every melt down, negative interaction, and tantrum. I remember the pain & the horror I felt as a child and the confusion. I want nothing more than to shield my daughter from the intensity of that kind of soul breakage.

So, as my guided meditation began, I was instructed to feel where this feeling originated. I saw myself curled up in a ball on the cold carpet in a fetal position rocking my young self back n forth, back n forth telling myself "it's ok baby Robin, I will take care of you." You see, something had happened back them (no matter if it was blown up in my mind or real) that caused me to feel the depths of loneliness and despair. I knew I was the only one I could trust, and I decided I was not lovable, not good enough. Then I was directed to retrieve all the abused broken little selves at all ages of my life & bring them into the present to make peace with them. Then I was asked to think of my daughter Izabella & to call upon her higher-self to tell my higher-self why she chose me to be her mother. Talk about powerful experience! WTF! I have come to the conclusion that this child has chosen to walk this path with me to teach me love. The love that I was so longing for and confused about. She's revealing to me all my shadow parts so that I can stand in my core knowing that no matter what comes up, I am unchanging inside. This is a time for radical transformation, and it hurts. Man, it really hurts, and I feel sad to face these memories and old beliefs of not being good enough... but I realize they are illusions.

Do other people feel intense pain when they shout at their children? Do they know how it makes them feel? Do other people feel like throwing in the towel &  admitting they are not ready for this responsibility nor have the nerve to tolerate one more ungrateful tantrum? Do other people see all the broken parts of themselves when the crying matches breakout? Are other people ok with feeling trapped or limited? How do those women make it look so easy and even make dinner & work out & do laundry & compete with society & be sexy & be gracious all at once? Is this a delusion TV has fed me? I am not that woman... I am raw. I am healing from the terrible things I've seen in this world & felt upon my face. I am lucky to not be locked up somewhere or burried in the ground. It's a miracle for me to be in school and laugh at the obstacles of yesterday and how outrageously courageous I am. All I want is to give my daughter & myself the love I never had inside & safety. We all deserve safety. So fuck the laundry, fuck shaming myself for my parenting shortcomings, fuck the facy dinner & looking good on the outside. I learned today that all I have to do is stand in integrity & ask myself... Am I doing the best I can right now in this moment? If not, what can I do to embody that? This is real life. So, I look forward to picking my daughter up from preschool today & embracing her thanking her for holding space for me to heal & holding my hand through this process. I am thankful for her choosing ME to be her mother and that I chose her.

Self Forgiveness

Dear Robin

I see you there child

I am sorry you felt so alone

I could not comfort you

I am sorry for all those terrifying nights when you thought it was over

I could not protect you

I am sorry the emotional pain kept out weighing the physical

I could not stop them

I am sorry you saw ugliness and rejection in the mirror everyday

I failed to wipe your tears

I am sorry you had to run and hide all those years

I could not find you

I am sorry your soul was crushed & your body dismantled

I could not put you back together back then

I am sorry you had to medicate night after night

I could not hide the medicine

I am sorry you lost hope on the bathroom floor, hospital bed, police car, hotel room
I could not pick you up

…

But I want you to know…

I did not abandon you

I was covered by your shame, your parent’s shame, and their parent’s shame…

I tried to find you

Take heart because Izabella has brought me to you, I’m here to stay

I got you sweetie, the nightmare is over now.

I have watched you transform, there’s no turning back

From this day forth

I will give you all the things you never had

I will hold you tight

I will protect you

I will strengthen you

I will love you dearly

I will hold your hand through all your victories

I will wipe your tears

I will delight your heart with friendships & romance

I have restored you

Please forgive me! I beg you.

Love,

Your Light

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Run Away Robin

Stay in one place. Breath. Don't run. Feel.

These things can be my worst nightmare. I have always been a runner. Things get scary, RUN. Things get hard, RUN. Things get boring, RUN. Someone hurts me, RUN RUN RUN. When I became a mother, that was the end of the running. FUCKING HORRIFIC concept for a girl like me. I protected myself many times by running. I have ran away from scenes barefoot in Beverly Hills, jumped out of a moving limo, hopped fences, ran into target to hide with the dressing room staff from the man who raped me few years prior... I mean you name it, i've experienced it as far as most traumas. So for me to be forced to stop running is like asking me to do the unimaginable. Yet, year after year I am doing it. I am not running. As a result, all the pain that I have ever ran from begins to surface one experience at a time. I am becoming tough as nails. I am becoming patient & tolerant not only of myself but of others as well.
I am in pain right now. I saw things in my mind this weekend that I have not seen in a long time. I smelt smells that I had tried to block out. I saw faces that I wished I never saw. I felt things that make everything inside me scream NO. I sit here in my nice town home, with my beautiful daughter home from school sick upstairs, my UC Berkeley reading assignments out, but I can not focus & I can not feel joy in this moment. I want to run & I want to hide & I want to believe I can give up if I want to. Its so hard being me! And, I have to give myself credit damn it. I am choosing not to run! I am choosing to feel this pain on this couch by myself. I am choosing to take the necessary steps to comfort myself & take care of my mental, physical & spiritual health. I am choosing not to drop out of school even though my brain has shut down & I can't understand the paragraphs that I am reading. I wanna give up so bad. So so bad. And I can't. There is no where to run to except into my heart. There are no arms I need to fall into except my own.
I just made a list of all the things I love about myself so that I can see this is just another lesson, another level to be cleared, another stepping stone into my greatness. I was questioning what is so great about me? What makes me lovable because I don't feel lovable right now? I saw on paper some of the things that I have been able to do. And just the fact that I have been ripped apart by bad situations & people and utterly dehumanized... but I can still sit here & talk about it, the fact that I still have an enormous amount of love in me to give, the fact that I work my ass off to give my daughter emotional safety & self esteem... are all reasons that I am an incredible human being. I am a miracle but just the simpleness of being makes all of us worthy of the highest offering love has to offer. As much as I want to run from love, from fear, from pain in the past, from pain right now, from school or any commitment... I LOVE my journey too much. I know something great is right around the corner & God is whispering in my ear... "just hold on tight, baby. I have not abandoned you."

How Do You Want to Be Treated?

"You get treated in life the way you teach people to treat you."

"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours."

- Wayne Dyer 

     Being a survivor of multiple layers of trauma involves a lot of soul searching, discovering, and serious choice making. I grew up resenting the way people treated me, yet I continued to put myself in situations to being abused, exploited, or robbed of my dignity. How does one go from no boundaries and allowing people to walk all over them to a having the life they can only dream of? I'd say the only way to begin this healing process is to make a determined decision everyday to give yourself what the world did not give you: Love, Appreciation, Gentleness, Belief, Hope, Comfort, Guidance, Adventure... etc. When you start discovering yourself on the inside & building yourself up... love can't help but exude out of you & people are drawn to that. 

     The people who treated me poorly just happened to weed themselves out. Darkness cannot survive where there is so much freakin light! I've watched loving, kind, generous people surround me year after year & shower me with there love. I know this is because I began to love myself & open that love up to the world. I realized I let those people abuse me... & I abused them in one way or another. I thought I was a good friend, but I had been selfish, flaky, and deceitful at times due to my partying life. I wanted to be this radiant human being, yet I was blocked by fear & self loathing. 

     After I began this journey, I started dating & that showed me many more deeper layers of how I needed to alter the way I treat people (especially men). I saw how I placed unrealistic expectations & began to digress from loving myself to wanting a father figure to love me. Wow. That was a huge revelation... I had three people in a row create so much pain in my heart. The pain that I needed to see & face. So, I started looking at each painful experience as a lesson... took the weight out of feeling rejected & started seeing that I was being taught lessons & redirected. Looking back now, I would never put up with the bullshit that I used to in the past with dating. No way, no how. It's like when you start treating yourself & others with love, you can no longer pretend or sacrifice what you really want just to be loved by someone. As a result of this work, relationships & dating aren't that intense or scary. Who cares... I say just love everyday, love with all your heart, love your enemies, love your friends out loud,  drop to your children's level & love them til you explode, serve the heart of your partners & not ache for them to serve yours, give & give & give, & then let yourself receive. Let go of social/cultural norms & just follow your heart. Treat people this way & the love & magical things will come back 10 fold. I see it everyday!