Sunday, February 20, 2011

Overcome By The Beautiful Things In Life

     I have all these ideas, memories, inspirations, dreams, and revelations pouring out of me... I just need to get it out in writing so I can never forget this wonderful journey I am on. One day i wil look back on these experiences when I am old and say, "wow, I have come so far. Life is truly beautiful."
     Why are we here? Why am I here? What is happening? Who am I? How did I get here? These are all questions that come to me when I am in this reflective place mentally. Wow. I am just dumb struck. It was not too long ago that I was hanging onto life by a thread and not even because I wanted to, only out of fear of the alternative. I made a decision two and half maybe three years ago to learn who I am to God. I wanted to be the best version of myself as possible to set an example to my daughter of what it means to be a strong woman. I had a vision of myself being healed & made whole. I saw myself sparkling with pure joy and being contagious to all around me. I had a new found motivation. Like a fire that could never be put out.... and it is still blazing deep inside me. I can feel it in my throat right now. Its like this hunger for more.... desire to help this world..... a yearning to know my God more.... a conviction to work hard for my daughter & love her with every cell in my body..... an urgency to move quickly & wisely. I don't know what God is doing to me, but I feel the momentum building, pumping me with energy everyday. Something has taken over my life & it brings me to tears because finally, finally I know I am out of danger. I am on the right track, and God has me in his hands.
     I just got a phone call from my childhood nanny. The only one that ever showed me love & made me feel special at that time. I felt the comfort for a mother that I longed for. This phone call flooded my mind & heart with the pain that I felt at 9 yrs old. I was so angry. I felt so alone..... I hated my parents... I mean hated. I just wanted to be loved & held & made to feel safe. This nanny gave that too me. I clung to her. I do desperatley wanted to be like her & have her rescue me from the hell I felt trapped in. But she had to move away. I remember the day she broke the news to my brother & I. We went out to Taco Bell & my heart sank as the words came out of her mouth. I had lost the one person that gave me hope & comfort. I was sad for a long time & I started getting into big trouble a couple years later. To hear her voice on the phone today brought me to tears... her voice sounded the same as I remembered. I could feel her holding me again... I flashed to a memory of me broken on the bedroom floor completely exhausted from crying out all my anger & she gently came to me to check on me. I remembered the love she gave me. How could I have forgotten? I suddenly missed her so much & wished I could tell her everything I have been through since she knew me as a broken sad little girl. I got to tell her where I am today in my life & it felt so good. I felt so proud of the woman I am becoming & that I can share that with her now. Its like through all these lil experiences God is continuing to heal me on different levels, preparing me for what is next. I could tell this special person on the phone a little bit of where I been in life & not be ashamed. I wasn't ashamed not one bit. Because God is showing me that who I am is beautiful & there is great purpose in every mistake I have made. My life is a testimony of how He can take the darkest, most broken things in this world & make them gorgeous, resilient & pulsating with love. How could this be? I just don't understand how wonderful this is. I remember that dark engulfing horror i once felt just  closing in on me from every direction with no sign of hope. Now, here I am standing tall.... standing radiant & ready to take on every new experience that arises & learn. Just keep learning. Just letting it keep unfolding no matter how scary it might get or unsure I am..... God never fails, he never leaves, and everyone will see.
Thank you for this journey we call life.