The Miracle Is Found In the Surrender: Miraculous Life of an Ex-Porn Star

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www.Facebook.com/robinriverawarrioroflight
https://chronicleofsocialchange.org/opinion/the-long-journey-of-a-runaway/8981 

This post is an experiment...

       I consider myself a very blunt and brutally honest person, but there are certain things about my journey that I don't usually share with anyone accept the people very close to me who I cannot shock anymore. Well today I feel called to be absolutely real about how hard it is to choose to leave the sex industry. Sex industry meaning anything in the adult business: stripping, web cam, porn, nude photo shoots etc. I am aware that most reading this will never understand what it's like to be a young woman with limited life skills and find that the sex industry will not only keep you afloat for years to come but drowned you with more money than most your family will ever see. I thought it was my ticket out! My ticket to freedom, fame, and fortune. It was my very best option. As long ago as it was, 5 years to be exact, it still haunts me on a monthly basis. As far as I have come in changing my life by winning over 30 awards and scholarships, after all the speeches I've given, articles written about my success story, and even one standing ovation as a keynote speaker... I still have times that I want to go back to my old life or at least for a quick fix to my finances. To choose everyday not to go back, is huge & only other women & children who have been in the "life" will ever understand what a huge accomplishment that is and the level of balls that takes! It feels like your intestines are being wrung out to say NO to quick money in a world where welfare is cutting me off and giving me another figurative ulcer. I have money & it always keeps coming, but the lies I tell myself override reality at times.
       Honestly, this post is my attempt at an experiment with God, the Universe. I was on the verge of doing web cam under my old stage name recently because I knew I could just chit chat with old fans and make new ones fast. My daughter Izzy & I would have plenty of money for the organic food we like, snow boarding, traveling, and ballet classes not to mention my school books. I thought I had to do it. Welfare just cut me off while I was studying abroad, I spent my money generously on other people and donating, I just always believe that more will come. But then the fear set in... as it always does. And I was ready to throw in the towel, even considering giving up on school and just stacking bread! Im really really good at it. I want control. I want my options back... But today I was reminded of my greatness & given a reminder of my purpose.
        One year ago I made a deal with God that if he helped me win some more scholarships I would not go back to the adult business, and I would stick the hard times out. Well, surprise surprise... I received over $70k in scholarships and grants. Ok FINE GOD! I'll stay, I thought. One of the awards I won was to be a UC Berkeley 2012 George Miller Scholar where I got $7k to conduct my own research on my favorite topic dear to my heart: the commercial sexual exploitation of children in America & more specifically in the bay area. I went through a lot this year and gave up on my project. I was telling them I want to forfeit my award and back out. They didn't let me. They insisted I know my shit and just throw together a last minute power point and deliver. I literally wrote my speech this morning and delivered at 4:45PM never practicing the speech. A miracle happened and some powerful authorative voice took over me as I looked people in the eyes and made my case about the need for residential treatment homes for commercially sexually exploited youth. People came up to me after and loved it. They really really heard me. They acted like I had planned that speech all year. Some want to get involved. I even was encouraged to apply for the bomb other scholarship to continue my research and go on for a PhD ride. Damn, talk about options.
        This moment showed me I have a gift and a purpose much greater than making quick money. It reminded me of those children selling their bodies for money and how I gotta show them the way out. I felt sick and knew I needed to cancel the web cam account that I have yet to start & keep trusting in my path and purpose. It ain't time to throw in the towel. I saw that clearly today. My best friend and lover will be delighted to hear that news I am sure. So, since it worked once before... I am giving this another shot.

God,
I surrender. I surrender it all... please help us. If there is another way beside the adult industry that I can survive and thrive and have all our dreams come true... please show me the way. This is my offering. I give up trying to figure it out my way, the way that was shown to me long ago and led me almost to death. Thank you for showing me today that I am so much more. Please continue to show me everyday so that I can remember. God, it's soooo hard. I forget. Help me remember so that I can help all those other women & girls know who they are. So that they can remember too.
Use me ... let my story be heard. Let it all be worth it. I believe in your miracles.. who ever you are God. I know you're there & have never ever failed me. My life is magical. Help me honor it by staying strong and hold my hand because I am so scared sometimes.

Thank you,
lil' Robi

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