Knew It Existed

      Despite lacking the tangible evidence in my home that a sweet kind of love existed, I just knew deep inside that it did. I didn't see it in my parents... not once (sorry mom, don't read this... turn back now <3). I saw an occasional awkward half hug... which, EEW, made my stomach turn every time because it seemed so unnatural for my parents to do. But, I did see love in other people. I can't put my finger on it. I felt an amazing love when I would get the opportunity to help someone when I was little... I felt the love from my Grandmother who let me play with her ancient treasures and dance gracefully like a ballerina. As life went on, I felt so cheated that this love I believed in didn't show up very often in my life. And, I became depressed. Choice after choice, I set myself up to confirm this other belief that I did not deserve to be loved for if my own family didn't love me, something must be wrong with me. Life went on.

Through a series of events, I began to awaken to my true nature & that belief in love still very much alive. I fell in love with this child of mine & oh my God was it rocking my world! I began to date for the first time and feel frustrated that these men, although nice & good looking, did not express that deep, soul touching gentle love that I knew existed. I even told my daughter's father, after we tried to get back together once, that I believe in a special kind of love & I know I deserve it now... He proceeded to tell me, "NO ONE is going to love you the way that you want to be loved, and if you find him, let me know so I can kick his ass!" I laugh at this now, sweet Henry... he just couldn't see me for who I was nor could I completely see him. I believe people can only see your true beauty and gifts if they too possess those gifts or are at a similar level of awakening in life (or by miracle). For a second, I thought something was wrong with me that my standards had gotten too high, or I had one of those over the top expectations of men that I couldn't control. But, none the less I walked away from these dating attempts and focused on loving myself. I kept seeking spirituality and doing what made me happy. I busted my ass in school and rocked the shit out of my community college. I mean it was catastrophic the impact I was blessed to make. I was kind of accepting that maybe that partnership we all seek would be sacrificed for me to serve the world whole heartedly... maybe I would be like freakin mother Teresa or something. I was ok with that.

To my great surprise, this amazing, gentle, patient, wild man came into my life... and completely confirmed for me that I was on the right track with those red flags before. He completely confirmed that someone will indeed love me the way I always wanted to be loved and that a deep, sweet spiritual love does exist. I thought I was possibly broken, unable to receive love, but this man showed me I am not... I was just not in front of the right person or spot. We laugh and play and act completely wild in public. We have had a spaghetti fight in the middle of my kitchen late at night that was part kissing part actually eating &  part throwing meatballs without abandon. We teach each other all our special gifts and explore new things and ideas. He shares his books with me so we can be on the same page spiritually and I share my pranayama & teachings with him as well. It's as if all those lessons before led me up to this point where I could openly receive love in a raw and vulnerable way and stand still... not run. I usually run. This person holds me so close, running isn't necessary nor an option. This love purifies all those things I  thought I missed out on or had ruined by someone or something. This love comforts me in way I never knew could. How can a man know every deep dark nook n cranny that most would have a heart attack knowing, yet be brave enough to walk though it & say, "I feel you. Im here for you," while placing his hand on my heart. It feels like God is blessing me and making up for all the pain I experienced most of my life... I have a vision of God or Goddess (who ever) wiping away my tears, stroking my hair saying, "Don't worry child. I didn't stop the world from hurting you for good reason, but hold on I have a plan; the best is yet to come." Thank you Universe for holding me so tightly and never letting go. Thank you for bringing this man into our life to make up for all the rough times. Thank you for giving me a gorgeous, kind partner to share this amazing journey with... I intend to share our love over and over and over again. I knew that love existed. Told ya!

Raising & Healing At the Same Time

I have a hard time imagining that parenting is really this hard for other people given that other people tend to willingly choose to have more children after the first one. Parenting has become so painful for me I can hardly stand it at times and want to ran out the door screaming for someone to rescue me from my anger, guilt, shame, traumatic memories, and all the lost little parts of me that severed long ago. Despite the pain that has been surfacing in a huge way, I am consistently willing to look at it...to learn...to cope in a new way...to heal and do what ever the next right thing is. I am willing to stop the story of  not being good enough long enough to connect with my true purpose.

Today I cried all the way on the bus ride into my amazing therapists office where I sat crying & texting my best friend/soul mate (Ashley) until I was allowed to unravel completely on the old lady like couch where the magic usually happens. My therapist immediately put me into a "soul retrieval" type meditation because what is happening here is my daughter's showing me parts of myself that are painful, reminding me of times when I was little and not seen and afraid. I'm terrified to create an environment of insecurity for her and that leads me to be hyper sensitive to every melt down, negative interaction, and tantrum. I remember the pain & the horror I felt as a child and the confusion. I want nothing more than to shield my daughter from the intensity of that kind of soul breakage.

So, as my guided meditation began, I was instructed to feel where this feeling originated. I saw myself curled up in a ball on the cold carpet in a fetal position rocking my young self back n forth, back n forth telling myself "it's ok baby Robin, I will take care of you." You see, something had happened back them (no matter if it was blown up in my mind or real) that caused me to feel the depths of loneliness and despair. I knew I was the only one I could trust, and I decided I was not lovable, not good enough. Then I was directed to retrieve all the abused broken little selves at all ages of my life & bring them into the present to make peace with them. Then I was asked to think of my daughter Izabella & to call upon her higher-self to tell my higher-self why she chose me to be her mother. Talk about powerful experience! WTF! I have come to the conclusion that this child has chosen to walk this path with me to teach me love. The love that I was so longing for and confused about. She's revealing to me all my shadow parts so that I can stand in my core knowing that no matter what comes up, I am unchanging inside. This is a time for radical transformation, and it hurts. Man, it really hurts, and I feel sad to face these memories and old beliefs of not being good enough... but I realize they are illusions.

Do other people feel intense pain when they shout at their children? Do they know how it makes them feel? Do other people feel like throwing in the towel &  admitting they are not ready for this responsibility nor have the nerve to tolerate one more ungrateful tantrum? Do other people see all the broken parts of themselves when the crying matches breakout? Are other people ok with feeling trapped or limited? How do those women make it look so easy and even make dinner & work out & do laundry & compete with society & be sexy & be gracious all at once? Is this a delusion TV has fed me? I am not that woman... I am raw. I am healing from the terrible things I've seen in this world & felt upon my face. I am lucky to not be locked up somewhere or burried in the ground. It's a miracle for me to be in school and laugh at the obstacles of yesterday and how outrageously courageous I am. All I want is to give my daughter & myself the love I never had inside & safety. We all deserve safety. So fuck the laundry, fuck shaming myself for my parenting shortcomings, fuck the facy dinner & looking good on the outside. I learned today that all I have to do is stand in integrity & ask myself... Am I doing the best I can right now in this moment? If not, what can I do to embody that? This is real life. So, I look forward to picking my daughter up from preschool today & embracing her thanking her for holding space for me to heal & holding my hand through this process. I am thankful for her choosing ME to be her mother and that I chose her.