Coming Full Circle

      I am supposed to be finishing my final paper & studying, but I am overcome with this amazing feeling of victory. I have to blog to get it out so I can focus afterwards...

     A newspaper article just came out about me in the LPC Express (school newspaper) which my mother's company happens to advertise in, LOL, coinscidentally. My dad is hounding me for a copy, my sister-in-law wants some copies, and as I was texting her I was reminded of the day almost four years ago in August, before I knew I was pregnant. My older bother had cut me off from his family. My dad put him on speaker phone, and he still doesn't know I heard what he said about me. I had just came crawling back home from LA & fresh out of the psych ward that I checked myself into for help. My brother no longer wanted me to see his daughters whom I loved & adored above anyone else on this earth and they idolized me. My dad put him on speaker phone so I could hear the harsh truth. My older brother said, " I don't want her coming around my girls anymore. She has nothing to offer them but problems." For the first time I realized that I had never once stopped to think about what kind of example I was setting for my beloved nieces. I never once thought what they would think of me or what they would do if I turned up dead one day. I broke down in my room & blocked the door so my little brother Paul couldn't get in. He spoke loudly & confidently to me through the door as I sobbed my life away. He said the magical words that have come true today. He said, "ROBIN, KC HAS EVERY RIGHT TO FEEL THE WAY HE DOES. Those are his girls he has to protect. That's his family. Use it as motivation. Go to your meetings, get help, get a real job, and those little girls will be waiting for you with open arms at the end of the road. You can do it, Robin. You are powerful. When you do good, we all do good. When you do bad, we all do bad. SO WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?" And, I wiped my tears & decided I was gonna get on track & prove to KC that I do have something to offer those girls DAMN IT! One week later, I discovered I was pregnant & my dreams were set in stone.
        It has taken me three years to feel I have achieved what I set out to prove to my family. I am not perfect and I am still working on long term sorbriety which is one day at a time. But, I have worked my ass off in every aspect of my life from facing my emotional issues head on, forgiving the people who harmed me, to volunteering, to not only graduating community college but positively affecting people's lives around me every chance I get. I have a promising future. I am not only worthy of being an auntie now, but I am a dedicated mother who will sacrifice anything to give my child the best of me & the best life has to offer. Today, I feel I have succeeded in showing my family that I can do it, that I am not a waste, that I have something to offer.

Love Robin

Another Magical Day

Today was the most magical day. Well, I have had many magical days, but today was the first since the day I gave my testimony to the Board of Governors at the state capitol. After walking away from telling people in government that I used to be on a self-destructive path & I was a stripper, etc.… I stepped into my greatness. I began to own my power that day… that was a few months ago in January. Today, however, I got a chunk of my dignity, a comfort deep within, and more fuel to the already blazing fire in my heart. Where do I begin?

Last week I almost repeated a pattern of self-destruction like all the other times I broke everyone’s hearts when I started doing good. I don’t care what any non-believers think; I am walking in God’s grace. I know there is a powerful plan unfolding before me & there is nothing I can do to stop my God from fulfilling this purpose with me. I picked myself back up from my “almost” self-destruction last week & I humbled myself. I asked for help, I got honest about all my feelings of unworthiness, and put on my big girl panties once again. I decided to put my health first, before getting ripped abs, before being a rock star in college, even before being a mother to my ever so precious Izabella. Today, like every other day this week, I prayed God would show me what to do & help me.

I had a full day. At 6:30 am this morning I had to decide what outfit I could ride the bart train in to San Francisco for my Chicana Foundation semi-finalist interview & also be able to dress up afterwards for the MISSSEY Gala that we (volunteers & MISSSEY staff) have been planning for a year. MAN! I packed heals in my purse, protein shake, and my brothers lap top so I can do my finals homework. I got to that interview with barely any nervousness. I knew all I had to do was be myself & tell the truth. My heart is pure, my actions speak volumes. I told these women what I am about & answered all their questions whole heartedly. They shook my hand with what felt like true human appreciation. I told them my past & my present with no shame, not a quiver in my voice. I am getting stronger, braver, and more graceful.

Then I got on board for my MISSSEY volunteer position. I was the first person to show up at their down town Oakland office ready to work. I sat on the dirty sidewalk & called my AA sponsor. We had a good talk, and I learned so much from that convo to keep me going for the day. I sweated & worked for this event all afternoon & night… and I left a new woman. THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT! Service, living from the heart, & connecting with others. I heard two courageous survivors of abuse, sexual exploitation, and trauma… I heard people talk about things that know one else understands about me… I cried when I heard the resieliance and power in these women’s voices. They are me, and I am them. We have a purpose, we have a mission, and we are not alone. I felt love and connection on a level I have yet to experience anywhere else. I got to be part of something ground breaking tonight. People are becoming more aware of the injustices occurring to our society’s most vulnerable populations. After eating an amazing meal at our classy Gala, us women got to dance to “We are fam-a-ly” lol… we jumped in the air & laughed & cheered. I danced sober… there was no pole to flip upside down on, no one to entertain, just girls having fun & celebrating this beautiful victory. We have survived & we get to carry a message of hope. Nola, the founder of MISSSEY, came over to me when they played Salt-N-Pepper “Push It” & she said it was her favorite stripping song! LOL that made me feel so good… now your-a-speakin my language! Her small gesture to make me not feel like the only stripper in the world recovering made me open up to a whole new experience being one among many. Tonight I was not alone & I got to be me… all of me, and it was ok. Just like it was ok at the state capitol. How could it be that all those years I believed I was worthless, doomed, never going to survive? When in reality, I am blessed with a powerful unique gift to give to this world. I hope this doesn’t sound ego-ish… I am just beginning to wake up from what has been a foggy, icky nightmare… to see just how amazing my life actually is. Thank you God, thank you for never leaving me, thank you for protecting me through all the horror, thank you for giving me 100 chances to get it right, thank you for giving me people who love me & help me, thank you for this miracle. I promise to make you proud! I promise!http://missseygala.weebly.com/