My Thorns

What if the only way to heal was to truly walk through the fire of your heart... on a deeper level than you even thought humanly possible where your whole world paradigm begins to shift and shake? How could this be the hidden path to freedom?

Trip out on that. 

We all have thorns in our hearts that burn, burn like crazy. We all have our different and varied ways of relating to these pains. Some of us build protective devices so we can still function in the world and avoid letting people rub up against our wounds. Some of us just avoid getting close to people all together. Some of us, like me, enjoy & try to be close to others, but if they accidentally rub up against a thorn of mine all hell breaks loose like an episode from the exorcist. 

Medicine, therapist, hospitals, rehabs, & 12 step groups have all taught me to be ashamed of the way I relate to these wounds in my heart. I have always believed I am wrong for the intensity of emotions that I experience throughout my life. "Tell yourself & the world your an alcoholic everyday," they would say. "Maybe she has border-line. Wait, no, she's too advanced for borderline." "She's a victim of a violent crime." "She's a troubled youth." "You should feel wronged, Robin, they hurt you. You are suffering from heavy trauma."

At the deepest core level of my human being-ness, I decided & believed I was born flawed & for that I am unlovable. Not only that, I am incapable of love. For that, I deserved everything bad that happened to me & somehow it was my fault. 

I don't believe that anymore. I am responsible for the decisions I made about the bad things that happened, but I am not responsible for the acts themselves. I am responsible for the suffering that I have endured & if I don't do something about it, I will be responsible for the suffering I will allow to occur in my future. 

Taking my power back completely & freeing myself from this paradigm of suffering has been my mission. I just didn't know what it would truly be asking of me. I did not know the level of pain I would have to tap into & for the length of time I would have to endure & explore in order to accomplish this mission. But, there's no turning back. 

We must allow ourselves to notice when someone or something rubs up against our thorns & instead of listening to the world who pathologizes everything, we have to face it. Not to say let someone smack you around. That's obvious... physical danger, run. Emotional danger, get curious, explore, endure, witness because the one who is watching is the one unaffected. There is someone inside ourselves watching this play unfold while our minds & bodies just get swept away in the trauma. This someone is your spirit. The indwelling place of God. The holy spirit inside us who stands in strength & neutrality just watching this human experience.. 

When it rises, you have to notice your breath, notice your fighting thoughts, notice your judgments or yourself & the person... can you, this time, sit in the fire of your own heart & let it burn. Can you recognize the process unfolding?

The only way to take out the thorns is to find them & with courage be willing to let awareness pull them out one by one. 

And for this girl, that's like asking me to walk on shards of glass in a house of horrors... but from my experience so far, it's all just a freaky freak show illusion.

May God be with me and be with you on this journey. May we be blessed with the courage of a fierce warrior as we fight for the ultimate freedom.