Unfinished Business

     Some things in life cannot be sufficiently explained or understood... some truths will never be told... and some injustices may never be made right. This is the fact I have to face. I have to be ok with being who and what I am right now. I have to be ok not knowing exactly why people have harmed me or the details of what really happened. My memories of a Halloween night when I was 15 years old are foggy & fragmented.

      For all these years since, I have wanted so desperately to know what happened to me. Why was I in so much pain the next day? Why was I convulsing & hallucinating? Who were those silhouettes of bodies I vaguely remember? Why didn't someone stay with me to make sure I was ok? And, why did those people from school torment me after? What did I do to deserve this? ... I may never fully know, but I have to learn to be satisfied with not knowing. 

     Last night I saw a beautiful picture of my childhood friend's sister on FB, and I commented. Following my comment was the girl friend of one the men who was involved in some kind of raping that happened to me on Halloween. Im shaking inside to even think of this woman. She was known as a bully and the bold, relentless type. Last night she made smart ass comments below mine, and my heart began to race, my whole body started shaking as if I were shivering, and I was short of breath. Seeing her meanness again reminded me of one of the most traumatic events of my life. My hands are shaking typing this, but I now this is the only way through this lesson... it is to feel & to let it out creatively. 

     After all the rape stuff went down, and all kinds of detectives getting involved, this woman hunted me down. I think I was set up by another friend so that the girl friends of these terrible men could confront me & they forced me to stand in front of everyone and tell them step by step everything that I remember... to one of the men's face. The guy looked me in the eyes and lied. He told me that I am just a sick little girl trying to get attention or something when in fact, it was his own friend who ratted him out. I was so humiliated and terrified. I wanted to die... I tried to die. I ran away, I started smoking meth with strange older people with guns, who harbored me for 2 weeks before the police found me. I was hospitalized and then sent off to a boarding school in Mexico where I began to heal in a very intense, brutal environment. I was forced to start dealing with it all. 

     Today, here I am... a mother dedicated to healing from all past trauma & trying to make all my dreams come true. I am willing and ready to face what ever arises. Last night, I guess it was my time to feel this pain and relive the horror one more time so that I can forgive those people. How can I forgive this woman who tormented me, who I feared would jump me, the reason I had police patrolling my parents house for my safety? I am not exactly sure how, but I can have compassion for her. She has to live with her mean self. I would never treat anyone poorly without remorse. How sad that she married a man who raped a little girl when he was grown already. She, too, has to live without ever knowing the truth about that night, just like me. Only I am the one most affected.
      I learned recently that I am aloud to be angry... I don't have to hold it in or cover it up or let it explode at someone else. I AM ANGRY THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I AM ANGRY THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO WANT TO HURT ME. I AM ANGRY THAT I AM THE ONE WHO HAS TO BE STRONG & PICK UP ALL THE GOD DAMN PIECES & GIVE MY DAUGHTER A GOOD LIFE. I AM SO ANGRY!!! BUT, even though I am angry... I still have enough love in my heart to get through it. May God be the one to make things right. It's just my job to forgive and let it be. I forgive that woman because I know, and many others know, that I don't deserve to be treated poorly. I forgive her because I am the one who gets to be free & choose to be surrounded by sweet, loving people... she is stuck living in darkness.
     Even deeper... I can forgive those guys, however many there were, because they know not what they did. This world is full of sickness; it just manifests in different forms for everyone. Empathy I believe is the solution. I have this vision of being in heaven or something & meeting them at their death bed in spirit & kissing them on their forehead to tell them, I forgive them with the most gentle words. God can handle all of the rest. When I die, I want there to be no unfinished business... I want to have loved my people the very best I can, I want to close all wounds that were created, I want to forgive deeply and be remembered in the highest way possible! So, maybe I will never know the details of what happened that night or have justices served, but I can be healed enough & forgive enough to truly thrive in this life.

Knowledge Is Power

People just don't know what they don't know... and how can you blame them for it because it was once you in their position. My heart just breaks for all the voices who can not be heard, for all the oppression people have faced and are still facing, for the idiots who don't know better but who flauntingly discriminate, and especially, especially for those mothers and fathers trying to give their children a better life through social services. Now, I know we all discriminate and have hidden/not so hidden biases... it is a natural cognitive process to help us organized the world around us, but for heaven's sake EDUCATE YOURSELF before posting cruel remarks on FB. Or, at least that is what I would like to say to the world and have it considered in all arenas.
Not too long ago, I was one of those uneducated, pretending to be ditsy girls, who judged women for abortions, people "abusing" the welfare system, and I thought getting high was more important than contributing to society. But, boy! What an education can do for you!? Since changing my life for my daughter and deciding education would be one vehicle for that, I can no longer see the world in the same way. I don't take what I learn in school at face value. I get to think critically, do my own research, investigate, and draw upon my own personal experience. There is power in data. There is power in knowledge. People don't seem to care so much about emotions; it seems numbers speak louder than words. Most of the reason I want that damn PhD degree is so society will accept and validate what I have to say. I have a lot to say and a lot of work to do to fulfill my life's purpose. Education has allowed me the freedom to believe in myself and my experience. I will not stop until all the critical voices are heard by the people in power.
Anyways, I recently got all fired up because this chic on my FB page posted this, "I know this will NEVER happen, but instead of giving out WIC like it's candy, they should just give em all birth control." If you don't know, WIC is a nutritional program that educates women and children (in poverty) to have healthy eating habits and provides them with these huge embarrassing checks to buy minimal items such as milk, eggs, dry beans, baby food, etc.. How can someone make such a cruel comment? It's one thing to suggest birth control in conjunction with nutrition for their already LIVING children, but to suggest the "candy" giving should stop all together? I feel sick just typing this in remembrance.Why does this fire me up so badly? Because almost every class I take has taught me about cultural relativism, to see the differences in ways of life, and contributing factors such as oppression, discrimination, abuse, underprivileged communities. Also, I have personal experience seeing first hand what programs like WIC, CalWORKs, EOPS, and non-profit pregnancy crisis centers can do in transforming lives. This is no light subject. LIVES are being saved, second chances are being given out, and the next generations are given some hope from the mothers who change their lives for the better.
With a six-month old baby in hand and my tail between my legs, I attempted to shop at the Pleasanton Safeway market to restock up on baby food. I was scared to pick out the wrong food brand that was WIC approved because then the register lady might get frustrated with me, and I'll turn bright red while imagining everyone knowing how actually kinda stupid I was (or so I thought). I had to check and re-check that I had the right food. During my pregnancy I read a book called Raising Baby Green which talked about the importance of organic everything for baby and no processed food, but since WIC didn't yet approve this expense, I had to get the preservative filled crud for my little baby which was better than nothing. Finally, I got up to the register with nothing more than a dozen or so baby food jars. I felt proud I had found all the WIC approved ones and followed all the rules. As the register lady checked each one by hand and signed off the dreadful, stigma laden WIC checks... the tall, semi-elderly woman standing behind me was obviously becoming impatient. With my tail, again, in between my legs I kindly looked up at the women with a half pout and suggested if she were pressed for time that maybe she should try the other line, and I turned away apologetic. The woman ripped my very new found dignity right from under me as she yelled, "JEEZ, THIS IS WHAT ARE TAX DOLLARS ARE GOING TO?" My heart broke. I was so embarrassed. I felt so undeserving and shamed with guilt that I could not provide even baby food for my own child without having to return to being an escort, or a porn star, or a stripper. All things that brought me very close with death. I had no other choice, but to walk that walk of shame every week to the grocery store. For my babies health, yes I am willing to be stigmatized again and again and again.
Today, I am unapologetic. I know all the factors that came into play for me to be in a needy position raising an innocent child on my own. I know it was not all my choice to get sucked into a life in the adult industry where almost no one escapes, EVER. The torment I experienced from the kids at school, the oppression of being a girl and so desperately wanting to be as loved as my brother, the abuse and the exploitation and the manipulation are what limited my choices. Yes, it was my choice, but from what plate was I choosing from? What are the underlying implications society and circumstances have in the theatrics of my life? These are just the questions I had to ask my professors at CAL, and these come from a half-white girl (me) raised by a middle to upper class American/Mexican-American household in a suburb with access to services. May I ask you what factors are involved with, lets say an African American young girl who has been born into a society that will not accept her skin color, trembles with anxiety at her mere presence, and that now wants to act color blind? Were there resources in her community growing up? Did her parents have low self-worth and it trickled down? Was birth control against her religion or culture? Was she left by her fiance? These are the questions I would like to ask the chic who posted on FB that WIC is being given out like candy, yet she takes no action on the issue.

People don't know what they don't know until you tell them.

I am not sorry for taking advantage of the system... this is survival. Who not to fight for but your own flesh & blood. So, I say bring on the stigma. Bring on the judgment. Bring on the ignorance... because I will be the one to make sure all those mothers' voices are heard and needs are getting closer to being met.

What Does It Mean to Be a Whore?

Before I ever had sex, I was called a slut and a whore by the kids at school. My own father told me in a fit of rage that the whole school thought I was a slut. I lost my virginity in a bathroom of a park from a pimple faced popular boy who pressured me into it without asking. I was terrified and I had no idea what was going on, but the words of those who called me a whore stuck in my mind, and I confirmed for them... that indeed I must be a slut. Now that I am older and have experience as a woman, as a mother, as a survivor of sex trafficking and exploitation, as a scholar, as a kick ass student & lover of life, I have begun to wonder what does it really mean to be a whore...

Am I a whore because of the way I look

Is it my beauty that your envious of while you stand empty watching me be loved by many

Am I whore because I enjoy cooking a masterful meal wearing only underwear

Is it because I let my daughter be naked in the house all the time as she delights in her own mere presence

Am I a whore for automatically shaking my ass every time my body feels the entrancing, pulsation of music no matter where I am at

Is there a certain number of men I have to sleep with before I cross the invisible WHORE threshold

Or is it because I like to sleep with women sometimes too & actually have been since I was 13

Am I a whore because I know how to connect with people on a level you only dream of

Is it because I have seen the darkest of men, in secretive places & I know their pain

Am I a whore because I know how to survive when there is no one else to help me

Is it because you fear my determination and my strength

Is it because I fall in love fast & love with all my heart 

Am I a whore because I decided to give life to my unborn child instead of believing you I couldn't do it

Is it because I am comfortable in my own body and embrace my woman-ness every chance I get

Am I a whore because I talk freely about sex and I am unashamed of my "taboo" past

Is it because I made hundreds of thousands of dollars through my old work, that you will never touch

Am I a whore because my job took me to the depths of this earth and catapulted me to another level of existence in order to THRIVE

Or is it because I want to spend my life helping child victims and giving voice to all the other women you like to call a whore

Am I a whore because my innocence was ripped away from me while secretly drugged in my adolescence 

Is it because you know you want even just a tiny piece of the gifts I have to offer the world

Am I a whore because you could never please me and you will never have me

...

Oh, I know... I am a whore because I finally decided to take my power back & you don't like that very much.

Izabella's father called me garbage  and a whore again the other week. This is 4 years of mental abuse & I won't have it anymore. I am not the scared, broken little girl who he met in a strip club 4 years ago. I know who I am now and I am learning to love every single piece of it. Izabella overheard a phone conversation & knows he called me garbage. This hurts her & she has brought it up when she got sad about something totally unrelated. I validated her feelings & told her people make mistakes. We have to learn & forgive & love. I told her its ok to not like if boys say garbage... you tell them "NO, that is not ok with me. You don't talk to me that way." And she understood. We practiced saying NO by being silly with attitude. My motivation is her. What kind of woman do I want her to try to be? How do I want her to view men? Thank God for her Tio Paully who shows her what love means & how men should treat her mommy. XOXO thank you for reading.

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I will be doing everything I can to fight the good fight. Help me make a difference. 

    WOW... I am inspired by my pain once again. I was told yesterday by the father of my child that I am a whore/garbage and that I don't know what love is. He said that I will never be loved the way I desire to be loved and that I am selfish to go on dates.
     I for some reason felt incredible love towards him as he did what he has done for 4 years: belittle me and abuse me mentally. I felt this love for him and patience and calmness (I cried later but at the time I was collected). I explained to him that I do know what love is, in a way that he can see with his own eyes in his life how I have loved hime. I told him, "love is when you want someone to be happy despite their own choice to live in darkness, love is when someone let's you down but you still try to do good to them, love is praying for someone everyday for 2 years to be happy and healthy even though he calls you a whore and stupid and wished death on your unborn child.Love is abandoning everything I knew and stepping into the future terrified and weak but doing it anyway for my child and never giving up no matter what. Love is offering to give his mother my bone marrow just because I love her & i know its my duty to honor what my heart says I need to do. Above all, love isn't mean, love isn't cruel, love is a sacrifice and it is about giving not receiving."
      I can honestly say i believe in LOVE. Love gave me the the power to do the unthinkable and to change whereas nothing ever ever had helped me succeed. I believe in the most beautiful kind of love in a relationship where both people willingly grow together, face challenges holding hands, seek spirituality, and thrive on every level possible & even the impossible.
     I already know this kind of love because I have friends who have loved me unconditionally. The ones who didn't, weeded themselves out, but a dozen or so have stayed forever. They have loved me in my darkness and celebrated with me in my light. They have taught me how valuable and how precious I am & in turn I want to teach others their value. My friends write me love letters, send me books and articles, show up when I need them & even when I don't ask for help they give it. ANd my family... don't get me started on my family... we have been through hell and back 10 times and still we know we love each other, still they would bail me out of any situation because they know my heart is true... and my dedication is there... they will always be here for me no matter what. My brother, he has taught me that men are capable of an innocent kind of love, the way he loves me... only he could teach me this in a world where all I knew was corruption, deceit, and perversion. NOW, I know love. And I am thankful to Izzy's father consistently teaching me all the things I DO KNOW through his cruelty... pain is the greatest teacher.

What would you do if your dreams actually started to come true? What would you do if you finally got what you wanted & even more was in arms reach? What would you do if your whole life had been lived on the edge between life and death, yet now miracles are manifesting weekly? 

I have been going through a hard time since I graduated community college. I have been overcome with a sense of guilt, feeling like an impostor, feeling scared & unsure of my next adventures, having extra time & money that I haven't had in four years, and wanting to go running back to my version of "safety." My experience has been that no one understands why I would ever want to go back to stripping or that life, but the more I learn about the adult industry the more I realize what a sticky web of dysfunctional payoffs it provides for men and women like me. I am terrified of the wonderful woman I have become because it is uncomfortable... & unfamiliar. I learn everyday how to be a functioning member of society, a daughter who doesn't throw things & cuss, a mother who is nurturing & patient, a sister who shows up... etc. I am way more comfortable dancing naked on a stage, being able to express myself artistically than I am winning highest academic awards & having people depend on me to follow through with the "good" life. OMG. So much pressure. My skin was crawling when I was faced with free time for once. So, I made what author Paulo Coelho calls "a series of stupid mistakes." I won't go into detail of what they were because I don't know who will read this. My friends and family tried to stop me, but something deep inside was aching for safety & security the way I know how to get it instantly. I just wanted to run away. I felt so undeserving of the 21 awards I have won, the public recognition in LPC's Presidents commencement speech where he mentioned my story, the news paper article, the medals, the volunteering at MISSSEY... I was having an identity crisis. Who is this person I have become? How did I take it all in. I want to cry just typing this and my hands are shaking with emotion. This blog helps me process as I am here alone with my daughter usually just trying to be a good healthy mama. 

Lucky for me, God doesn't let me stray too far EVER. I don't get away with shit! There is a plan and I know with all my heart that there is nothing can I do to avoid it ever since I was a little girl. I know I am meant to love & help people & somewhere dancing is involved in that. Not naked dancing probably, but some kind of dancing. How do I know this? Because my heart lights up on fire when I do any of those three things. I feel it in my bones, my heart pounds, sometimes I have trembled with excitement. So, after reading The Alchemist, I have re-discovered my mission & have been reminded how fucking hard I have worked diligently to achieve one goal which turned into more. All I wanted 4 years ago was for no one to take my sweet unborn baby from me! I had just checked myself into the nut house for suicidle thoughts one week before I discovered I was pregnant. Everyone in their right mind would assume i shouldn't be a mother at that point in my life. But NOOOO. I knew better. I knew I could do it... I found this incredible, never ending motivation inside me that is still there, just got muddle with fear & lies. I was not gonna let anyone take that sweet child from me. Not her father, not my parents, not the hospital, no one. I was going to give this little girl the love & safety I yearned for my whole life. I was going to heal myself through loving her. I was going to get a real job & give her a good life & a good home & all the love she could ever want. Reading that book I just mentioned revealed to me something I so desperately needed. I FUCKING DID IT PEOPLE!  I transformed; I not only achieved my goal of keeping my daughter, I rocked the shit out of college & my communities. I have miracles manifesting weekly. This is not because God wants to be charitable. Its because I acted on the power of LOVE. I loved that baby so much that it gave me the power to do all this stuff. It gave me to willingness to beg God everyday to change me, transform me into the woman I was meant to be. I haven't given up when my heart was broken, nor when my body was broken. I even went to class with a cathedar in my vagina & taped to my leg because I was not going to miss out on anything that would help me get an A in that class & win money. Everything is happening because I have wanted it to deep inside & the farther I get on my journey, the more things I realize I want... but it scared me this summer. 

I struggle with eating disorders, wanting to go back to stripping, self-esteem, wanting to self medicate at times, and anxiety. So fucking what! At least I know what my issues are. I am strong. I have gotten this far. I believe I can do it. Plus, I think Izzy is an angel from heaven who chose me to walk this path with. I cried the other day & she sat in my lap as I prayed. I told her that all I wanna do is be a good healthy mama and she looked up at me, touched my face and said, "OK. I can help you with that. I love you mama. I

ll never leave you." We are a team. I am real with her and only hope to show her how to be authentic and grow. 

I just got accepted into a prestigious research program where numerous new opportunities are opening up... God is unlocking all the doors to my treasure, he only asks that I believe and move forward with love. 

Thank you to the signs that becoming more clear to guide me. Thank you to my friends who believe in me & show me how to love myself, you know who you are. Time to put on the big girl panties and do the damn thing!

This picture at the top looks like a vision I had in meditation when I was pregnant. I saw my highest self. She was floating, wearing all white (pure), and illuminating with love. 

Coming Full Circle

      I am supposed to be finishing my final paper & studying, but I am overcome with this amazing feeling of victory. I have to blog to get it out so I can focus afterwards...

     A newspaper article just came out about me in the LPC Express (school newspaper) which my mother's company happens to advertise in, LOL, coinscidentally. My dad is hounding me for a copy, my sister-in-law wants some copies, and as I was texting her I was reminded of the day almost four years ago in August, before I knew I was pregnant. My older bother had cut me off from his family. My dad put him on speaker phone, and he still doesn't know I heard what he said about me. I had just came crawling back home from LA & fresh out of the psych ward that I checked myself into for help. My brother no longer wanted me to see his daughters whom I loved & adored above anyone else on this earth and they idolized me. My dad put him on speaker phone so I could hear the harsh truth. My older brother said, " I don't want her coming around my girls anymore. She has nothing to offer them but problems." For the first time I realized that I had never once stopped to think about what kind of example I was setting for my beloved nieces. I never once thought what they would think of me or what they would do if I turned up dead one day. I broke down in my room & blocked the door so my little brother Paul couldn't get in. He spoke loudly & confidently to me through the door as I sobbed my life away. He said the magical words that have come true today. He said, "ROBIN, KC HAS EVERY RIGHT TO FEEL THE WAY HE DOES. Those are his girls he has to protect. That's his family. Use it as motivation. Go to your meetings, get help, get a real job, and those little girls will be waiting for you with open arms at the end of the road. You can do it, Robin. You are powerful. When you do good, we all do good. When you do bad, we all do bad. SO WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?" And, I wiped my tears & decided I was gonna get on track & prove to KC that I do have something to offer those girls DAMN IT! One week later, I discovered I was pregnant & my dreams were set in stone.
        It has taken me three years to feel I have achieved what I set out to prove to my family. I am not perfect and I am still working on long term sorbriety which is one day at a time. But, I have worked my ass off in every aspect of my life from facing my emotional issues head on, forgiving the people who harmed me, to volunteering, to not only graduating community college but positively affecting people's lives around me every chance I get. I have a promising future. I am not only worthy of being an auntie now, but I am a dedicated mother who will sacrifice anything to give my child the best of me & the best life has to offer. Today, I feel I have succeeded in showing my family that I can do it, that I am not a waste, that I have something to offer.

Love Robin

Another Magical Day

Today was the most magical day. Well, I have had many magical days, but today was the first since the day I gave my testimony to the Board of Governors at the state capitol. After walking away from telling people in government that I used to be on a self-destructive path & I was a stripper, etc.… I stepped into my greatness. I began to own my power that day… that was a few months ago in January. Today, however, I got a chunk of my dignity, a comfort deep within, and more fuel to the already blazing fire in my heart. Where do I begin?

Last week I almost repeated a pattern of self-destruction like all the other times I broke everyone’s hearts when I started doing good. I don’t care what any non-believers think; I am walking in God’s grace. I know there is a powerful plan unfolding before me & there is nothing I can do to stop my God from fulfilling this purpose with me. I picked myself back up from my “almost” self-destruction last week & I humbled myself. I asked for help, I got honest about all my feelings of unworthiness, and put on my big girl panties once again. I decided to put my health first, before getting ripped abs, before being a rock star in college, even before being a mother to my ever so precious Izabella. Today, like every other day this week, I prayed God would show me what to do & help me.

I had a full day. At 6:30 am this morning I had to decide what outfit I could ride the bart train in to San Francisco for my Chicana Foundation semi-finalist interview & also be able to dress up afterwards for the MISSSEY Gala that we (volunteers & MISSSEY staff) have been planning for a year. MAN! I packed heals in my purse, protein shake, and my brothers lap top so I can do my finals homework. I got to that interview with barely any nervousness. I knew all I had to do was be myself & tell the truth. My heart is pure, my actions speak volumes. I told these women what I am about & answered all their questions whole heartedly. They shook my hand with what felt like true human appreciation. I told them my past & my present with no shame, not a quiver in my voice. I am getting stronger, braver, and more graceful.

Then I got on board for my MISSSEY volunteer position. I was the first person to show up at their down town Oakland office ready to work. I sat on the dirty sidewalk & called my AA sponsor. We had a good talk, and I learned so much from that convo to keep me going for the day. I sweated & worked for this event all afternoon & night… and I left a new woman. THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT! Service, living from the heart, & connecting with others. I heard two courageous survivors of abuse, sexual exploitation, and trauma… I heard people talk about things that know one else understands about me… I cried when I heard the resieliance and power in these women’s voices. They are me, and I am them. We have a purpose, we have a mission, and we are not alone. I felt love and connection on a level I have yet to experience anywhere else. I got to be part of something ground breaking tonight. People are becoming more aware of the injustices occurring to our society’s most vulnerable populations. After eating an amazing meal at our classy Gala, us women got to dance to “We are fam-a-ly” lol… we jumped in the air & laughed & cheered. I danced sober… there was no pole to flip upside down on, no one to entertain, just girls having fun & celebrating this beautiful victory. We have survived & we get to carry a message of hope. Nola, the founder of MISSSEY, came over to me when they played Salt-N-Pepper “Push It” & she said it was her favorite stripping song! LOL that made me feel so good… now your-a-speakin my language! Her small gesture to make me not feel like the only stripper in the world recovering made me open up to a whole new experience being one among many. Tonight I was not alone & I got to be me… all of me, and it was ok. Just like it was ok at the state capitol. How could it be that all those years I believed I was worthless, doomed, never going to survive? When in reality, I am blessed with a powerful unique gift to give to this world. I hope this doesn’t sound ego-ish… I am just beginning to wake up from what has been a foggy, icky nightmare… to see just how amazing my life actually is. Thank you God, thank you for never leaving me, thank you for protecting me through all the horror, thank you for giving me 100 chances to get it right, thank you for giving me people who love me & help me, thank you for this miracle. I promise to make you proud! I promise!http://missseygala.weebly.com/