Wow! Here I go with this feeling I get when I have to write. It's like this higher part of me receives a revalation, and I have to let it flow creatively to be fully expressed and experienced...
I have gone through some pretty gnarly transitions and events this last few months, but this is what I am good at. I am on this personal path to uncover all my dark parts, to shed light, and be rid of the painful things that have held me back from being FREE. Free in my spirit, free to love & be loved, free from fear, free from internal anguish and self-destruction. When you are on that path, man the shit sure likes to hit the fan for all to see. The reason for this is #1 to humble you by forcing you to bask in your truth, all of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. #2 it is an opportunity to learn who you are & accept yourself with radical acceptance & radical love regardless of what your best friend says about these events, regardless of the stories that have been played on repeat in your head about who you are & what you do & the reasons for it, regardless of what men or women come in and out of your life. When it comes down to it... YOU are the one who decides what meaning to give to your life, your spirit, and your character. YOU are the one who is responsible for your peace and contentment. YOU are the one who can rid all the terrible things that have happened and to transform them into works of art for the world to enjoy.
Before I receive clear perspective after the all hell seems to break loose, I tend to go into sort of a fog because all my beliefs and old patterns get stirred up. They get stirred up so that radical transformation can emerge and new beliefs can settle in. But man, can it be dark and lonely in the process. I made myself hang on tight and everyday this last month or two I have sat on my meditation pillow bowwing to my own heart, knowing that I can take refuge in thy self. I made this little place inside me my home. The love of my life seemed to turn his back on me as I was going through this transformation, my best friend has lectured me and I feel cut off from her, my family came to my rescue but bringing all their dysfunction along with their love, and mean while I have been trying to pull myself together to prepare to leave the country for the first time 12 years to a country I know little about. It's a lot. But, like I said, this is what I am made for. This is what I asked for. I beg God to keep healing me, I so deeply want to be free from the internal torment I have experience my entire life... the self-destructive habits that can lead me to think death is an option. I mean that is some sure soul torment when you have everyting to live for, but the pain inside is too hard to bear & it feels there is no way out at the time. My heart goes out to anyone who knows that type of utter gutwrenching pain.
Now that the fog is subsiding, I've had glimpses. These are the little gifts I receive from the Universe and seem to be part of the unveiling process. Recently, I have been an energetic magnet. I have been getting FB messages or comments from people that I didn't even know think of me and with their sweet appreciative words my soul opens up a little more to see what I should be seeing instead of the fog. People keep telling me that I inspire them, or that they are in awe of me, my love of life (& this person knew about my recent mental break down even yet she still knows & sees my love of life!), people have been telling me how beautiful I am even though I sometimes struggle with an eating disorder or body image quirks from my modeling days that haunt me, people hug me like they really love being with me, but mostly its these random messages I get from others or see people taking my advice on books, herbal medicine, self-love stuff, and working out... it makes me feel so good like I have a positive impact on people without even trying, just by taking care of myself, being brutally honest, and riding the waves. I feel overwhelmed with appreciation for the kind words that people have given me randomly. THANK YOU. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone & that you all see me... even when I have a hard time seeing myself. Thank you so much and I am inspired to keep telling others when they touch me with their beauty or strength.
This is not all for nothing. This IS FOR SOMETHING! The biggest lesson I am learning is the depths of self love.
