tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22813406381324257502024-02-06T19:06:27.547-08:00Projectile Heart VomitMy journey of transmuting trauma through Vulnerability and the deepest adventures of the Spirit.
Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.comBlogger51125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-51469877870309128202017-06-13T12:33:00.002-07:002017-06-13T12:35:23.309-07:00To My Children: I Chose This<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I chose this my sweet angels. I chose you! I chose to be a single mom...<br />
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Izabella, I had every reason to believe I was not ready to be a mother, but when I saw that pregnancy strip I knew in the depths of my soul that I was meant for this, that I could do it, and that something miraculous was about to happen to my life for the first time ever. And, sweet heart, it did. It did beyond my wildest dreams at the time.<br />
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I knew you would be my miracle, but I had no idea how far you would take me. Everyday that I look at you, I remember what you gave me. You gave me life. I chose you thinking I was giving you life against all odds and societal mores... but you in turn gave me a wonderful, exhilarating life. I fought for us baby girl, and I'll fight until the end. You are my soul sister and we have traveled through many lives together. I got you babe.<br />
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Atreyu, my sweet prince. I thought I was ready for you, but you my honey knocked me on my butt. Creating you brought me to my knees on so many levels I will one day tell you. I loved you so much growing inside my tummy despite every pain the pregnancy brought me. I had a liver disease that required me to pay attention to keep you alive. And, I did. I was so relieved to see your fat screaming gorgeous face when you came out. We did it... mama kept you alive. I even fought the doctor to take you out before he wanted to and he said my instincts were right.<br />
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You are the prince of my heart... I will do anything to teach you and protect you and raise you to be the kind of man this world needs.<br />
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And, my sweet Star, I don't care what the hell theses doctors have to do to me to keep me alive for you! I CHOSE YOU AND I WILL CHOOSE YOU FOREVER. There's nothing anyone can tell me about when the spirit enters the embryo or what I can or can't handle. My heart chose you. I knew I could rise to the occasion. I knew I would get over what other people thought of a single mom of 3 kids. I chose this. I listened to my heart... my heart said this is your daughter & you can & you will do it, Robin. I had no idea I was going to have to come close to death to do it, and it makes no difference to me.<br />
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I will lay on the hospital bed and come close to bleeding to death for you, all of you. I will climb any mountain to provide for you. I will face any demon to heal for you. I will love myself so fully, so holy, so completely so you will know who you can be too! I will weep for you, I will celebrate you, I will honor you no matter what you do in life. You are my destiny, my angels, the spiritual path who chose me back.<br />
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I love you all & I will come out of this surgery strong & onto the next life thing.Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-52587186646093457542015-12-10T08:20:00.000-08:002015-12-10T08:32:03.974-08:00Discovering My TreasureThere's this familiar feeling that I have experienced throughout my life... some call it "in the flow," AA people call it "walking in the sunlight of the spirit," and others may say being at one with God. I know that feeling well, and there is no place i'd rather be than basking in that experience. This happened to me yesterday, so I tried to be aware of how I knew it was happening. I feel a sense of ease and comfort. I become bubbly with strangers as I feel a heightened appreciation for who they are and how they are so sweetly interacting with me making me smile. I feel more brave and confident. I notice the sunset feels like my breath and the breeze in the trees swirls in sync.<br />
<br />
Quickly, I texted my dad and best friend Ashley "It's happening. I am in the flow again. This is what God wants me to do!" Ashley responded, "what does God want you to do?"<br />
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See, yesterday I just showed up fully for my life with no stress, no expectation. I meditated & prayed heavily that God would use me as an instrument of his peace. Lifeteen.com, the worlds leading Catholic youth ministry who serves hundreds of thousands of teens world wide through their curriculums, had just arrived to interview me for my story. I had not spoken publicly too much about the porn industry, but now was the time to do something big. They would use this video to show teens the girl behind the camera. Porn is a current public health crisis which we could chat for hours about, but for me this was about healing & serving.<br />
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They followed me to my Dr.'s appointment as I have a rare liver disease brought on from pregnancy that puts my baby at great risk. We chatted and laughed openly... I felt my contagious bubbly personality pour over into their hearts.<br />
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As I arrived at my drive way alone, something hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been in so much pain this last year... desperately seeking an answer or relief or to learn some big lesson. In this moment in my car, something said in my head, "Everything that has happened this year, in this pregnancy, in this relationship with Phillip, DOES NOT MEAN SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. This is just the experience that young lady Robin has had this year due to her certain life experiences and to extrenuous circumstances. This does not mean you're wrong or broken. And although it may make it challenging for the people close in your life, YOU ARE WORTH THE CHALLENGE. YOU ARE WORTH EVERY SECOND." Tears fell profusely down my face, I leaned my head back with my eyes closed realizing my worth for the first time.... and I had a vision.<br />
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... God, some being, held my head back in his hands and kissed my forehead as if he were revealing a gift to his daughter. Letting me know its ok... that he knows i've been suffering & in this moment I was ready for the truth. I had passed some test or reached some level that made me ready for to discover my personal treasure. I suddenly felt a knowing of myself beyond anything I've ever known and so drastically opposite of how I had been viewing who I am my whole life. I believed I was a burden... unloveable, too complicated.<br />
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Now, I know, no matter what comes up, I am worth the challenge because God made me that way. I anticipate that the challenges will become less and less for years to come. And, some day, to someone, I will be worth the effort to love me & show up for me. Maybe it's Phillip, maybe it's not, but I know now I am ok.Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-11763127320185835142015-09-20T23:04:00.001-07:002015-09-20T23:08:39.057-07:00To Be KnownOne of our deepest yearnings is to be known... In all our glory and our mess... to be seen, to be heard, to be felt, to be known. And ultimately to be cherished and ushered by someone on this pathway home. At least that's mine. Many times growing up, I felt so alone and unknown. I embarked on a journey to know and be with myself. I don't hide secrets, I rarely catch myself in a lie or embellishment simply because of this deep yearning to not be alone in the dark ever again. My prayer goes like this...<br />
<br />
Oh dear God,<br />
<br />
I don't have the answers, I don't know the truth<br />
But when my heart aches, let me be heard, please let me be heard<br />
<br />
I've been trying so hard, I've ran out of ideas<br />
Frustrated with furry, let me bleed it out<br />
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God, when I pour out my heart, let me be seen, let me be seen!<br />
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Let me be loved. Let me be held. Let me be healed. And above all, let me be known.<br />
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Yes, God. Let me be known.<br />
<br />
...<br />
My little 6 yr. old crystal baby saw me sobbing in my bed recently after another miscommunication with my partner. I spiraled into a deep depression, I couldn't find my way out of for about 2 days... But this girl. She knows something I don't. She sees something so clearly that is so foggy for me. She touched my heart like the hand of God as she leaned in to comfort me with her tiny hands and gentle caresses, " don't you worry mama. You don't have to change. You don't have to be 'better' for me. It's ok to be sad. You are perfect just the way you are."<br />
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I covered my mouth with amazement & sobbed because that struck me as truth & it felt as if time stood still in one healing moment. Maybe I'm not getting what I want out of my relationship, but I am not alone. This child sees and knows the truth about me. I have been holding onto this key words, words that some of us may have not taken seriously before. "You're perfect the way you are." My goodness... I can stop trying so hard.<br />
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She gave me permission to stop trying so hard to be better & fix & do only to end up so terribly disappointed. I don't have all the answers, but that's ok. I'm going to practice not trying so hard and see what happens.<br />
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We all want to be known. The st. Francis prayer comes to mind. Seek to understand rather than being understood. Seek to love rather than be loved. Where there is darkness, may I bring light. (Jumbled up of course).<br />
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May we seek to hear the cries of others, if we, ourselves really want to be heard in return.<br />
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<br />Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-46390612869565809342015-09-17T05:41:00.000-07:002015-09-17T05:57:23.628-07:00Let the World Wait ...Approval seeking. We all want to be and know we are good enough.<br />
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In the early hours of the morning, I found myself tossing and turning in bed alone... wondering what people think of me. Particularly, wondering what my partner's family thinks of me after all these desperate moments I have had during this pregnancy reaching out to them for help out of fear I will end up with the same situation I have with my first child's dad. Complete chaos & emotional abuse with that man. I've had moments of fearful desperation so afraid of how this new dynamic will play out, so afraid to struggle as a single mom of two children, so afraid I am incapable of a relationship... just so afraid.<br />
<br />
My best friend <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ashley-navarro/the-one-soul-crushing-hab_b_8126068.html">just wrote a blog</a> for the Huffington Post (huge milestone), and it reminded me the only approval I need to be ok is my own. That's the biggest lesson I have been learning over the years. Relationship success or no relationship, job or no job, recognition or no recognition, I am a precious child of God walking this earth doing the very very very best I can. Not only am I doing the very best I can, I consciously work to remove all barriers in my life. That's more than I can say for half the people I know or more. So, can I love myself despite what others may or may not think of me? Of course I can.<br />
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There is ONE life, ONE God, ONE Love, and I am not excluded from this ONE family on earth.<br />
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The walls I have built around my fortress are vast, tall, and wide with alarms everywhere. And, I decide this is ok. It's ok that this is the path I have created because it's my path... my sacred precious path, and there's no reason in the world to be ashamed of it. It's going to take time for me to identify & break down all these walls I've created one by one with each courageous effort. Let the world watch. Let the world wait. They can all just wait while I take my sweet time unraveling this puzzle. There's no rush.<br />
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I am so touched by the people who have chosen to hold my hand through this process, and even more by the ones who have burned deeply along side me. Especially, this brave man who has chosen me and has picked up everything within reach to help me break these walls down for good so I can be free.<br />
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My hope is to inspire others to be so bold in their efforts to free themselves both physically, if they're under someone or something's control, and metaphorically- from deep within.<br />
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So then, in this context... we need not worry if other people think we are good enough. This is the path. This is your sacred path no matter what it looks like from the outside, YOU KNOW what's on the inside. I KNOW what's on the inside.<br />
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mmm. mmm. mmm.Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-35379826635517210002015-09-03T05:59:00.000-07:002015-09-03T06:02:29.167-07:00My Thorns<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">What if the only way to heal was to truly walk through the fire of your heart... on a deeper level than you even thought humanly possible where your whole world paradigm begins to shift and shake? How could this be the hidden path to freedom?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Trip out on that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We all have thorns in our hearts that burn, burn like crazy. We all have our different and varied ways of relating to these pains. Some of us build protective devices so we can still function in the world and avoid letting people rub up against our wounds. Some of us just avoid getting close to people all together. Some of us, like me, enjoy & try to be close to others, but if they accidentally rub up against a thorn of mine all hell breaks loose like an episode from the exorcist. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Medicine, therapist, hospitals, rehabs, & 12 step groups have all taught me to be ashamed of the way I relate to these wounds in my heart. I have always believed I am wrong for the intensity of emotions that I experience throughout my life. "Tell yourself & the world your an alcoholic everyday," they would say. "Maybe she has border-line. Wait, no, she's too advanced for borderline." "She's a victim of a violent crime." "She's a troubled youth." "You should feel wronged, Robin, they hurt you. You are suffering from heavy trauma."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">At the deepest core level of my human being-ness, I decided & believed I was born flawed & for that I am unlovable. Not only that, I am incapable of love. For that, I deserved everything bad that happened to me & somehow it was my fault. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I don't believe that anymore. I am responsible for the decisions I made about the bad things that happened, but I am not responsible for the acts themselves. I am responsible for the suffering that I have endured & if I don't do something about it, I will be responsible for the suffering I will allow to occur in my future. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Taking my power back completely & freeing myself from this paradigm of suffering has been my mission. I just didn't know what it would truly be asking of me. I did not know the level of pain I would have to tap into & for the length of time I would have to endure & explore in order to accomplish this mission. But, there's no turning back. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We must allow ourselves to notice when someone or something rubs up against our thorns & instead of listening to the world who pathologizes everything, we have to face it. Not to say let someone smack you around. That's obvious... physical danger, run. Emotional danger, get curious, explore, endure, witness because the one who is watching is the one unaffected. There is someone inside ourselves watching this play unfold while our minds & bodies just get swept away in the trauma. This someone is your spirit. The indwelling place of God. The holy spirit inside us who stands in strength & neutrality just watching this human experience.. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When it rises, you have to notice your breath, notice your fighting thoughts, notice your judgments or yourself & the person... can you, this time, sit in the fire of your own heart & let it burn. Can you recognize the process unfolding?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The only way to take out the thorns is to find them & with courage be willing to let awareness pull them out one by one. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And for this girl, that's like asking me to walk on shards of glass in a house of horrors... but from my experience so far, it's all just a freaky freak show illusion.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">May God be with me and be with you on this journey. May we be blessed with the courage of a fierce warrior as we fight for the ultimate freedom. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-67795481464921352972015-06-09T19:58:00.002-07:002015-06-10T16:35:01.904-07:00I Fought for You I'm lucky lately when I don't go immediately back to bed after giving a morning stroll to the kitchen for some water or healthy wake me up snack. I'm a month and a half pregnant, scared, insecure, and experiencing chronic depression which I previously thought not possible. I thought my darkest days had been left long ago in the streets of beautifully polluted Los Angeles.<br />
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I was wrong. That darkness, that gut wrenching pain, that out of control lost feeling is back, and I am fighting everything and everyone like a cat clawing its way out of drowning waters. One day, I literally felt like I was drowning in hell with no one to turn to. Like what it might feel like to watch your child be murdered in broad day light & your screaming for help and everyone sees you, but no one does a thing to help. Ya, that's how I felt a couple weeks ago, but about myself. I'm still recovering from that day with scars to prove what I am going through is deep enough to penetrate all layers of my happiness and hope. I've been searching for the lesson in this all... feeling paralyzed with fear and exhausted with anxiety. There's people screaming they love me, but it sounds like the quietest pen drop muffled by my resentment that I am even going through this.<br />
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I have everything good in my life I thought i'd never have. A really handsome brave man trying to love me, my chance at stopping the cycle of abuse in my family, a college degree, a loving relationship with my daughter....yet my self destructive patterns show their true colors again. This time with vengeance.<br />
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Tonight I dragged my gloomy ass to a restorative yoga class once and for all with the intension to be unified with God. I felt my heart calling me home immediately as I placed the eye covers over my face.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjAaxiptWB0GBksIlJBLXEl1DS_FPCUVgTZsTlrMw9JCfAu0o7SP_BW1lRwUkEXflBF3dhmGMwoQk_FhgrMHa-Ps9i7uFGC4nTwtweNyIs9mTjf8K6wYelm1RZj7DxM34qpO6TyHCaimY/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-03-03+at+11.06.34+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjAaxiptWB0GBksIlJBLXEl1DS_FPCUVgTZsTlrMw9JCfAu0o7SP_BW1lRwUkEXflBF3dhmGMwoQk_FhgrMHa-Ps9i7uFGC4nTwtweNyIs9mTjf8K6wYelm1RZj7DxM34qpO6TyHCaimY/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-03-03+at+11.06.34+AM.png" width="283" /></a>On my way home, I was driving hearing my own thoughts. I thought to myself, "jeez, I don't even know what it feels like to feel loved. Have I felt loved before? I must have; it's just been a while I've been depressed that I can't remember." I was searching my memories of feelings trying to remember what it felt like to be loved, and I was having such trouble jogging that feeling. Until all of a sudden, my voice said so loud and strong and clear, "I LOVE YOU ROBIN. THAT'S WHY I AM STILL HERE FIGHTING FOR YOU."<br />
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It was strange. Had I thought that thought & then told it to myself or was it God? I don't know, but I felt it like a ton of bricks made up of truth. I thought to myself whoa, that speaks to me. I know what that means... and its right. Something inside myself loves me so much that throughout my whole chaotic, traumatic, beautiful, ugly, crazy life, something keeps putting up the fight for me. Something drives my ass to a yoga class, or a nut house, or a therapist. Something empowers me to overcome addiction, bulimia, society's ridicule of my exploitation. Something stopped me from taking my life more than once. Something keeps me hanging on to hope because it believes in my freedom & happiness. That something is inside of me, and even if I can't feel the love of anything else... I can know and feel that love I have for myself to keep fighting for my life.<br />
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This time my strategy is not violence, but to make friends with my demons and see what the mother fuckers wanted from me this whole time.<br />
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Like a Warrior Goddess.Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-30970912449358626332015-04-22T10:47:00.000-07:002015-06-09T19:58:56.359-07:00The Words "I love you" are so boring <br />
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The words "I love you" are so boring<br />
They're the only ones we're given to express this deep human connection<br />
yet the words fall like blank bullets out of my mouth piercing nothing, nothing at all<br />
disappointing me, failing to mean what I want them to mean<br />
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They are so boring and meaningless in the light of what I'm aching to say<br />
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How then can I release this explosion of human experience?<br />
How then can I make sure the one's I "love" know this experience manifesting within me?<br />
How then can I feel satisfied and relieved expressing my truth about the greatest sensations and knowings ever to arise?<br />
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So, I vomit. I vomit from the heart.<br />
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It's the way my hands melt into yours letting the warmth overcome me, seeping through layers of skin<br />
The blood pulsating through my face and swirling in my eyes when we look at each other<br />
That deep knowing of being seen<br />
That deep feeling of tears arising in my throat<br />
The gratitude and humility of having the privilege to start seeing someone back<br />
That innocence in their eyes, that soul so hungry to be seen<br />
I see the years, maybe even life times of this person waiting to be seen, so deserving<br />
Knowing it's me that has been chosen to see them<br />
The fear that melts away and the time that stands still<br />
It's the safety amongst the uncertainty<br />
When you see someones actions line up consistently for the first time<br />
The awe and wonder in my ears, eyes, nose, and temples of my forehead when I look at you<br />
The knowing, just the knowing of something greater then us.<br />
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Something magical. Something fierce.<br />
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<br />Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-73665817429090444542015-04-07T10:08:00.000-07:002015-04-07T10:15:14.015-07:00Waiting in Destruction Other people with this brain of mine most likely would of put a bullet in it long ago. I stand here having beat the odds. According to social welfare statistics, I also am destined to live in poverty and be a child abuser. Everyday, I have to be the warrior of not only my life, but my almost 6 year old daughters life as well. I have worked my tail off to learn what it means to me to be a whole and healthy mother, to learn what success means to me, and to diligently take the next courageous step for my freedom. Yet, times are so hard right now, and my next steps feel so unclear. My directions so ambiguous. So, I wait.<br />
<br />
I could easily think I am back sliding or that I will never get better inside. My emotional healing journey has felt like I'm in rocky territory, and the pain of my lessons is completely "destroying" me. Thoughts of hopelessness come & go quickly. Feelings of giving up and inadequacy appear every week. My loved ones hold me and pick me back up off the floor. I had zero money for weeks and paid for gas with quarters ashamed to ask my boyfriend or family for help. I have put my resume out to dozens of job ads, and the only thing that comes back are small yet empowering gigs. So, I wait.<br />
<br />
I wait in silence and sometimes raging tears. Why God? Why do I have to feel so broken and humiliated for this long when I have worked so hard?<br />
<br />
The answer that I am finding is that I am being broken to be made new over and over again. I am not being destroyed and abandoned. I am having every ounce of lies being pulled out of me so that I can see and know the truth of who I am and of life. I am an old soul. I am being made ready to receive what I have always wanted. Or, at least awakening to what has always been there. The layers of deceit are being lifted and I pull them back over my head like tug-a-war with God. Because if I see the truth, the whole truth, I GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Is it possible that I am so terrified of my own beauty because then I will be wrong. Every negative self belief that I have been fed to believe will be proven wrong & I will have to recreate a whole new world view and perception of life. I will have to fully step into my greatness and own it. I will have to not just fake confidence, but exude real and deep self-love against all adversity.<br />
<br />
So, I wait... in my pain, in my joy, delighting in the comfort of my beautiful boyfriend and the arms of my sweet daughter, I wait, wait for the work to be done in me so that I can soar on eagles wings, and walk & not get weary. Actively waiting in what feels like complete destruction.<br />
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<br />Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-21561231740693567142015-03-09T10:52:00.001-07:002015-03-12T11:07:21.332-07:00Rise Up & Take Your Place in the World<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGTE4srE8VNDD_O6TAvOvLg91GQeBFTfzwB-JVZhMWfqtY3PFojkEkgNiNV32D2CmfNrA_YLxE1MHFkr64Xz1Rd01ZQpdQfdhkA4exvsbRxHZm5OUNFdzwi-t_aAjZHfJjMYYGk5vSI3c/s1600/yoga+smith+rock+wild+thing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGTE4srE8VNDD_O6TAvOvLg91GQeBFTfzwB-JVZhMWfqtY3PFojkEkgNiNV32D2CmfNrA_YLxE1MHFkr64Xz1Rd01ZQpdQfdhkA4exvsbRxHZm5OUNFdzwi-t_aAjZHfJjMYYGk5vSI3c/s1600/yoga+smith+rock+wild+thing.jpg" height="427" width="640" /></a>I felt sad yesterday. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Trying to find my place in the world is turning out to be
tougher than I had feared. I just graduated from the #1 public university in
the world, you’d think there would be some transitional assistance or that I
would have greater confidence in my ability to land an awesome life-affirming
job. Rude awakening. We were homeless last October, we are heavily relying on
food stamps to get us by, and if it weren’t for the generosity of my friends
and family I would not have been able to pay my rent the last 2 months. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am hanging onto faith with every last ounce of my being,
and let me tell you, some days it don’t look pretty. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was thrilled when a little girl from Izzy’s new school
invited us over for a play date. I was so relieved because I feel awkward and
shy as a mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am afraid of having
conversations with seemingly “normal” sheltered parents in the suburbs. I am
afraid they won’t be able to see me for my shocking yet brilliant awesomeness,
and end up sizing me up to a hood rat mother, a washed up prostitute, or some
other in human creature. Needless to say, I was relieved someone reached out to
us first, yet anxiety ridden to have to socialize too while the girls played. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sure enough, I was my regular honest and transparent self. I
avoided shocking details being revealed in my responses and comments. I held my
self together and felt brave until little by little I was noticing how much I
am struggling financially compared to this other family. I began to feel
ashamed when the mother asked me if I had Izzy signed up for any after school
programs while she explained how good it is for them and how her kids go to
this expensive program that shuttles them back and forth to activities.
Meanwhile, my life looks like scrambling to get time to take a shower, do the
dishes, and work on the computer for couple hours while Izzy is at school
because I can’t afford childcare let alone extra activities. There’s never
enough time to do it all in that 4 hours and looking for a job takes up the whole
time some days. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I let myself feel sorry for myself. I felt ashamed that I am
30 yrs. Old and can barely provide for my child despite my extreme success in
college recently. I felt powerless that I can’t even buy mascara or anything I
was used to before. I felt sad that we can’t go to gymnastics or art classes.
So, I cried to my boyfriend. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Truth is, we have everything we need. Makes me cry tears of
gratitude to say that. I chose to make this sacrifice when my trauma brain told
me to go back to commercial sexual exploitation. When my low self-esteem
creeped back in and told me I was nothing but a whore and that’s the only way I
can provide for my child, I told it to “F” off. I fall to my knees and I give
God my life, over and over again. I remember that I am not only good enough to
have a heart throbbing magical career, I am MORE THAN ENOUGH. I have proven
that to myself. I am doing the unthinkable one day at a time. One hustle at a
time, I am making ends meet. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Reality is, it’s hard to thrive economically as a single
mother. We have to push harder, stay stronger, ask for help, and humble
ourselves enough to receive it. We are phoenixes who are born from the ashes
that burn us down to nothing. We rise and rise again. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I RISE AND RISE AGAIN. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know my time is coming and this is all part of the plan.
To let go of everything I think I need, to let my ego die completely, to
surrender fully… because the joy in living is right here, right now with or
without financial security. The lesson is to awaken to the fullness and
richness of who I am. I am a warrior mama! And, I will fight for what’s right
and just in our lives. With the strength of the people around me loving me, I
can wipe my sad tears and take my place in the world without shame. There is no
shame in sacrificing comfort for the great calling of my heart.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thank you Pipi and my dearest Ashley for being my mirror
when I forget. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span>
Please sign up to follow my blog here & https://chronicleofsocialchange.org/author?id=991<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><br />
or Facebook.com/robinriverawarrioroflight<br />
Help me fight the good fight!!!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-90577537232103604772015-02-04T06:03:00.001-08:002015-04-15T14:05:16.524-07:00Ready to Fly<div class="MsoNormal">
To Phillip,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thank you for being being you… this poem is said in a whisper. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA0MRo8f7Y5O8p5K3GSyA3ooIZuTyGjwpQumW0hs_GclGzAVaAkm5ddc_00b-frX1XqqgV8N2bs2clxKT0eJ6RfrJyRysptiwS7l79PYsQD28FRRuA0E6O8RizrnKu8AcWo-vZBANF3Xc/s1600/arise+&+be.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA0MRo8f7Y5O8p5K3GSyA3ooIZuTyGjwpQumW0hs_GclGzAVaAkm5ddc_00b-frX1XqqgV8N2bs2clxKT0eJ6RfrJyRysptiwS7l79PYsQD28FRRuA0E6O8RizrnKu8AcWo-vZBANF3Xc/s1600/arise+&+be.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Ready to Fly ~<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At a time in my life when I was just about to fly, he came, he really came.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My feet were still touching the ground, I’m scared, so scared. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The fear to let go of everything I held close, so strong<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I need help, I need help.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At a time in my life when I was being called to go higher,
he came he really came.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My heart had been ripped back open, I’m scared, so scared. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The fear said I’d never make it out there without the demons,
it lied deep lies.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need help, I need
help.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At a time in my life when I couldn’t house or clothe my
child, he came, he really came.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My soul burned everyday telling me to scream my story, I’m
scared, so scared.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He held my hand, my heart, my child, my fear, so I’m brave, I can be brave.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s ok to need help… I need help! Someone help!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At a time in my life when I was ready to let go, he came, he really came. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My spirit he penetrated teaching me to believe, I’m loved, so loved.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He told me he’s here now, I let my feet lift off the ground,
I’m flying, I’m flying. I’m finally flying!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
I needed help, he came, he really came. <o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-78647539211053297282015-01-06T12:23:00.001-08:002015-03-13T17:51:10.371-07:00And She Whispered Loudly<div style="background-color: white; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px; text-align: center;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhVDVO134UeiJQpDJPjgeXHoCdc004f9_9tUFLNkiyaLV58Is2R9WmHDE4cXzYQNgaOp6IIHV1QESrrFa1sCVH4ZRiUxLpuVTHPXgXNz76o-ouHiOuFdXF5f3Y8XCCkAWdfYiNvN4rXWc/s1600/capitols+2014.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhVDVO134UeiJQpDJPjgeXHoCdc004f9_9tUFLNkiyaLV58Is2R9WmHDE4cXzYQNgaOp6IIHV1QESrrFa1sCVH4ZRiUxLpuVTHPXgXNz76o-ouHiOuFdXF5f3Y8XCCkAWdfYiNvN4rXWc/s1600/capitols+2014.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: transparent;">I am beautiful… I am free.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If everything is really a lesson working on my behalf to
better this life, then my lessons just keep getting sweeter
as the years go by. And by sweet, I do not mean easy, just juicier and softer
on the eyes of my heart. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Relationships tend to be one of my biggest triggers, and
that makes sense for grown children of traumatic upbringings. And for everyone
for that matter. No ones had a perfect life. If the people who were “supposed” to love me and teach me the
world was safe accidentally created the opposite scenario for me, of course as
I grown up I will not trust, I will struggle to let myself be loved, and the
way I view myself will fluctuate in the face of human interactions.<br />
<br />
One of the symptoms
of borderline personality disorder is a fluctuating sense of self. It’s where
one’s self-perceptions and way of viewing the world change from situation to
situation based on the level of perceived safety and/or triggered trauma. I dare to say
fuck the westernized diagnosis and disorders… is this not the human experience
of many? Especially those who have been beaten with the words and the names of
things we are not and never were? Whore, thief, liar, bad girl, bad boy,
delinquent, F’s, learning disabilities, failure, depression, cancer, not good
at math, stupid, bitch…. Etc. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We were taught to go against<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>our innate nature and to create
contradiction exasperated by worldly confusion within the deepest parts of our belief systems. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So then, if we are so lucky, we choose to embrace our
hardships and triggers to break free from the bondage of disillusionment. Last
night, I was triggered by telling this beautiful and gentle man the details of
my recent past. It’s a heavy thing for newbies in my life to process, let stab
them in the gut, and then willingly let the pain drift away like a message in a
bottle holding my history… for someone else to pick up one day and find the
truth in it all. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I read his voice and became fearful that he will not accept
me. I became consumed with the feeling that I am tainted, that I am not
“normal,” and I can never tell a normal story to someone I love about my past.
My stories are outrageous to say the least and shocking. When you think I
couldn’t surprise you more, I do. It’s my life… it’s my story. But, who am I
without my story? That is the real lesson here. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Last night I sat with the fear and the sorrow I felt for
myself. I felt sadness for the things I put myself through, and I felt regret.
Then I realized, this man is not judging me. I am judging me, still. Yes, I
have grown by leaps and bounds and have moments of true self-love and
miraculous earth shattering revelations… but my insides have not let completely go
of the story I tell myself. The story of who I believe I am. The story of how I
see myself and relate to the world.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sat to meditate on
my heart space this morning. I knew the work that needed to be done was inside
of me. Whether people judge me or not, whether this man stays in my life or
not… the way I view myself and my life does not need to fluctuate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I REPEAT: it does not need to fluctuate. I
need no fixing, no undoing… only the letting go of what IS NOT TRUE. Just be
Robin. Nameless, faceless, full of fire and energetic magical spiritual stuff…
just having a human experience. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I sat with my eyes closed in dimmed light before the sun
came out, I asked my heart how it was inside. Usually I feel pain in my heart
or heaviness, but not this time when I checked in. It had been a while since I
checked in with my heart in silence. I felt almost nothing, and I thought to
myself, “Is this what openness feels like?” And then a voice, my voice, said loud and clear, yet with no warning, and with the gentleness of a sweet confident
whisper “I am freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.” Ok heart. I must be doing a good job; We
are free. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Please sign up to follow my blog or Facebook.com/robinriverawarrioroflight<br />
I will be doing everything I can to fight the good fight. Help me make a difference. </div>
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Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-85529493141588330572014-12-17T16:39:00.003-08:002014-12-21T17:54:00.550-08:00Accidental Magician? God? I swear I believe in magic.<br />
<br />
There's no way for it to not exist. I have experienced it over and over and over again throughout my life even as hellish as it had been for most of it. Whatever I create in my mind, in my heart, proceeds to manifest. Is it God helping me fulfill my lifes purpose or passions? Is it simply the law of some kinda meta physics, quantum physics, whatever you call it.<br />
<br />
One day, I decided to take a leap of faith and walk away from the industry that I thought I knew so well. It's the one where its all been done before, it's all predictable, it's all, I convince myself, I know, but that was a lie. You see, I am learning, now, just how deep the struggle has been trying to survive through this thinly disguised misogynistic life. I can testify to how long and hard the unveiling process can take for someone who was once a seemingly troubled child. How long it will take for a runaway to find a place to call home in the world and in her own heart. How long it will take to get the death grip of security to release from the commercial sex business. How long it will take to to find one's worth after a lifetime of trauma and never-ending hurdles. I'm living it. I have invited the world to watch it unfold.<br />
<br />
I had dreams of being a performer as a little girl. That was my number one dream. I knew i'd be a dancer of some sort or an actress even. My most prized and most watched home video is of my whole family being "circus kids." My dad played the music on the guitar, my mom was a bear, my little brother was the trick rider or something, and I... I, of course, was the elegant tight rope walker/dancer wearing nothing but a red Brazilian thong bikini. I was the star in my mind. In this moment, there
was no pain, no fighting, and way before thoughts of suicide. I was free still.<br />
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This is one of the few happy memories I can remember as a child. I trained hard as a dancer. I was a natural they would always say, but year after year I died inside until one day I quit. I've tried to go back, but felt so crappy about loosing my technique.<br />
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<!--StartFragment--><!--EndFragment-->Throughout
my time as a runaway child, escaping the horror of my home, I was sexually exploited in
more ways than one. Finding myself institutionalized multiple times a year, I
got used to the system meanwhile missing out on normal activities like school
and socialization. By the time I found the adult industry , I thought so low of myself from all the years of abuse. Blaming myself above everyone else, I let the self-hatred sink deep. I thought the adult business all I was good for and it was the only way I could have a tiny piece of that dream. I knew I was meant to shine for the world. That's the only way I could come alive out of my shyness and sadness. Of course the manipulation and exploitation I experienced during my life has gravely contributed to this involvement, but I never told anyone about this being my cop-out deal with myself. I
needed to justify my “choices.” I was making these choices now right? Or was I? Are agents traffickers? Are the men who sent me on trips traffickers?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiszFKydWniNWJ4bTtHiDR-p1CaIqkr5oVnXix7qHx8mR8QdxWnDD9TBVhtG0fnDU-7MgCswzQHCSN_C1QbtqdVzlbU06ZxxUSGpQe-Xm1Nz8BL7I_Jlj17UeS_CyntNjBB1a2Yeg7y9zw/s1600/circus+vintage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiszFKydWniNWJ4bTtHiDR-p1CaIqkr5oVnXix7qHx8mR8QdxWnDD9TBVhtG0fnDU-7MgCswzQHCSN_C1QbtqdVzlbU06ZxxUSGpQe-Xm1Nz8BL7I_Jlj17UeS_CyntNjBB1a2Yeg7y9zw/s1600/circus+vintage.jpg" height="272" width="400" /></a></div>
Recently, I was journaling asking the "spirit guides," whoever they are, to guide me to my next moves and to show me the way. I was instantly inspired to put the pen down and reply back to this yoga/circus movement gig. That night I dreamt about circus all night long; I even had a circus themed wedding in that dream. When I woke up, the magic began. Someone I was thinking of strongly contacted me at 7am with advice of how to train for circus performances. I was on it. Then I was asked to shadow a that gig I responded to, and the trainers sweatpants said CIRCUS on the butt (as a preschooler so bluntly pointed out to me). I've been racking my brain all day, how can I afford to train at this studio and play and have fun with my body? I just am so scared, yet my heart racing with excitement like a child. THEN... I got an email from the one circus gig I got to do recently instantly inviting me to join them on their New Years show! Now, the other part to this story is that a porn site had also invited me to do their end of a New Years show & something inside me just couldn't settle with it as much as I need the money... now I don't have to settle or worry about having integrity. The decision is all mine. Now if that is not 2 days of some serious manifestation... I don't know what to tell you people. I swear. I have to write this all down, so I can believe its real. I have to remember because dark days will come again... I have to remember the magic is always there when I reach for it.<br />
<br />
PS I got a gig this month getting paid to.... dun dun dun.... WRITE!!!!!Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-12074626978242451262014-12-04T08:01:00.000-08:002015-03-13T18:17:42.681-07:00What makes a good Mother? Some of us are naturally drawn to children and mothering leaving the rest of us wondering where this domestic gene came from and why didn't I get it. It's not fun to me to stay home and cook and clean and change diapers. Well at first it was because it felt like playing house and izzy and I were exploring this game together... Until shit got real!<br />
<br />
Nights awake crying, college deadlines, welfare deadlines, dating nightmares, lack of sleep, and of the most challenging... Facing childhood trauma when I look into the face of my hysterical child feeling ever ounce of terror I used to feel as a child. I have worked so hard to learn a healthier way to nurture my child especially through difficult times. But when the rubber hits the roAd I gotta tell you, I tend to fall apart Inside. I sometimes loose my temper and fear I am the monster I've been dedicated to shielding her from, I shame myself for being ill equipped to be a mother, I tell myself I'm damaged and I can't do it. In those moments I feel devastated like I've failed my life's mission by breaking down when she needs me. But this is the dance. The dance through trauma, the dance through life. I pick myself up off the ground, usually after calling a trusted friend or my soul mate, and I do my very best to nurture the after math of a storm. I hold my daughter and validate her feelings, I admit my wrong within minutes, we make a plan of how to support each other better the next time and we express love. That's the best I can do wit this healing heart of mine. I still try to run from the voice that tells me I'm not a good mother and never will be... But as I wrotea one page summary of my life yesterday for a friend who does documentaries, it hit me like a ton of bricks of why everyone says I'm a good mother and how I know it's true. I voice texted this revelation to myself as I cried and it goes like this...<br />
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"><br /></span>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">"I'm a good mom not because I'm supposed to be looking good on the outside and well from all my past but I'm a good mom because I love my daughter so much that throughout this pain I never give up on her or myself. I'm a good mom because it hurts so bad and it's so hard but I don't stop. I'm a good mom because I care so much. "</span><br />
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"><br /></span>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I will hold this revelation close so I'm ready for the next obstacle as a parent and as a warrior. </span><br />
"Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-6112375554522131562014-11-11T08:34:00.000-08:002014-11-12T10:49:15.510-08:00Discovering My Survivorship <div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Holy smoke balls!! Nothing makes my heart heavier
than talking about childhood trauma... ughhhh. And, on the same token, nothing
lights it up more either. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">A few years ago after setting out to hard core
change my life, I was driving listening to God music on the radio la la la.
Then, all of a sudden this commercial came on for a human trafficking event
taking place in Fremont, CA. It felt as if the car had stopped moving, time
stood still, and I just had this wild knowing that I needed to be there. I was
drawn to it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">So, I showed up alone and nervous, yet comforted
with the knowing that I had a mission to be there. I ran into my mom's churchy
friends and tried to escape their presence eeeeek. They might know how weird it
is I am here alone! I gave myself a tour around all the booth tables searching
for something inspiring, trying to find the reason I had been drawn there. I
wanted to volunteer. I ran into the MISSSEY table which stands for Motivating, Inspiring,
Serving, and Supporting Sexually Exploited Youth. I got hooked up with them
& stayed active for a couple years. Now looking back, all these little
puzzles pieces are falling into place and making sense. Because of that
involvement, I was a runner up for many many scholarships and awards. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">A few years later, here I am having my world
rocked. With each training sesion and experience I receive deeper healing. I’ve
come to find out that my childhood experiences fall under the definition of
being commercially sexually exploited as a child. Luckily for me, my family, as
dysfunctional and twisted as they are, loved me enough AND HAD THE RESOURCES to
lock me up in Mexico for over a year to save my life. I was never put out on
the streets and sold, but it was very very close. Anyone of the ADULT drug dealers or
gang bangers exploiting me could have put me to work on the streets… instead
they exploited me in their own homes. Commercial is defined as the transaction
of anything worth value. For me it was food, shelter including harboring from the abuse in my home, black mail, threats, protection, drugs, and rape. I was just a little girl. I was scared and alone. Fast forwarding... no wonder I was auspiciously drawn to those human trafficking conferences with my tail between my legs feeling so confused. I was placed right where I needed to be to discover my truth, to find the parts of me unhealed, and to make something beautiful of it all. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">What happens to runaway little girls? Even if they
are lucky enough to escape the vicious cycle of abuse one day? What kind of life can they lead if their growing years were tainted with trauma and the world they were introduced to proved to be unsafe? What kind of struggles
could you imagine they face? What kind of jobs will they acquire as an adult? What becomes of their sexuality & self-esteem?
DO THEY EVEN HAVE A CHANCE?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">All questions, my life has answered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">The ones lucky enough to survive stumbling along
the way, have the obligation to keep healing so that they may stand up for all
the others not so lucky.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-28599942801592762102014-11-05T08:26:00.001-08:002015-03-13T06:34:03.397-07:00The Gift of Desperation<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Desperation. One of the most wonderful gifts we can receive. We cannot muster it up, or fake it. We can only wish for it silently. Desperation paves the way for surrender which paves the way for a miracle... a shift in our existence, world view, bodily sensations, & heart.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I have so much to say, so much to write, so much to express, but I just want to be concise about this pressing fire in my heart right now.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Recently, I was on a mission to discover my sexuality and ethical boundaries as far as "sex work." All of this inspired by a class I took at UC Berkeley on sexual cultures. It made me feel like sex work might be ok for me again, maybe even a savior for a single mom with dreams of financial independence off welfare, travel, and surf adventures! I knew it may all be a big mistake, but I am a seeker and ground breaker so I figured to thine own self be true- go for it Robin. I wanted to know how I truly felt about it after all these years being out of the life. I craved to know. I dreamt about it many times and felt the rush of adrenaline I always got to step foot on stage or on camera. I craved validation from men & a sense of belonging. -That's the main question- where do I belong in this world? Long story short- I fell on my face spiritually, literally with a concussion, & financially. I found myself homeless and on emergency welfare sleeping on my girl's floor and clothes piled in my car. I felt so alone and desperate and hopeless when renter after renter told my daughter and I NO. I sat in the parking lot of a religious science church and just wept to my best friend on the phone while my daughter sat in the back seat full of life and hope. GOD HELP US!!!! I would cry.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">One morning, I woke up and literally sat straight up as my heart told me to look for a job. Immediately this yoga dude texted me, and I told him of my new inspiration. He just so happened to be an expert on non-profit work & sent me some links. I started searching and searching for some job listing to make me excited. How can I work a "normal" job if it's uninspiring. F that. I began to feel defeated as I ferociously sifted through ad after ad of bunk jobs. Finally, I thought to contact the people I used to to human trafficking work with and more specifically a woman I connected with at a MISSSEY Gala I helped with. BOOM! The magic began...</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I spoke on the phone to the founder of an organization called Runaway Girl; how perfect, I am a runaway girl. I felt vulnerable on the phone with her and embarrassed I had gone back to adult biz work. I felt hopeless at one point on the phone when it sounded like she couldn't help me find work because I still had one foot in web camming & I almost hung up the phone. Some strong part deep inside me refused to give up, refused to hang up, so I sat through the pain of that moment. Eventually she said these words that pierced me... "You know, you don't ever have to do that kind of work again if you don't want to. You're daughter will be ok. You will be ok." Well golly jeepers... that had never accrued to me in the last 6 months. I didn't have to do it? No, you don't understand. I do have to do it, I thought. I came back to America graduated, off financial aid, off welfare, and $1100 in debt not to mention my old DUI repercussions. But in that instance, the thought and possiblilty flashed to me that maybe I had been deceiving myself out of fear. How do I really feel? I felt helpless, beaten, down for the count, abandoned by my family again, failure as a provider, dirty, alone, panicked. I decided... OK. I surrender. I surrender to this woman's faith that I will be provided for and something will help me. I fucking surrender. My way never works. I can't even find a job or a house or gas at times. I can't save, I can't show up when I am hung over and depressed, I can't be the woman I want to be in my friends & families lives because I am stuck in survival mode. This is the cycle of my life that I repeat over and over. Success scares me so bad that I go back to the 13 year old little girl who fights to survive at all costs. She will stoop to any level she needs to to get her needs met and to escape injustice and harm. It's what I do.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I was inspired to show up at a human trafficking event last Tuesday morning. With my tail between my legs I asked the father who's giving me silent treatment to watch my daughter so I could go. The simple act of me waking up early humble and hopeful provided a platform for me to choose to step into my greatness and remember who I am and all the work I have done to heal and heal others. I was treated as a colleague and survivor expert at this conference. I received gifts and took pictures and laughed with other girls like me so hard! I felt a deep sense of belonging. I even spoke on the panel briefly on my research at Cal (in front of hundreds of people). As my heart raced and dizziness hit my brain, I remembered who I am underneath the fear. I am a warrior! I step up to any plate & I fight whether it's for me, my blood, or my sisters. I am the brave one. Tears well up in my eyes when I type that because I know it's true.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I left that conference in awe, $150 check, 2 job offers, gifts, new friends, and most importantly HOPE. </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"> I got paid to show up and shine. Something that was said that broke me down was when the speaker and president of Not For Sale said something about women in amsterdamn discovering they too were not for sale. It made me think, wait a minute.... sexual adventures is one thing, but do I really want to be for sale? For today my answer is NO. I don't like the way people have been treating me or how I have been stretching my boundaries to accommodate stigma and unspoken protocols. I don't truly want to be for sale when I think about what that means because what is inside me is so much deeper then what the eyes can see and the body feel. This is a long journey; I may get scared again and go back. I may think I can have that money again innocently, but this lil experiment I have done has led me to desperation... no accidents, no regrets because as always, I am brought back to Truth with a deeper understanding, a deeper experience of joy. Miracles. My life is miraculous. Just wait until I tell you whats brewing this week!!</span>Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-36618515458103289122014-11-04T14:57:00.001-08:002014-11-05T09:11:18.411-08:00Trikonasana<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">I wish I were an everyday writer. I
have been writing all my life, but the magic of story telling only comes to me
during a pivotal point in my life or revelations. There’s something magical
about the fire that burns in the bottom of my heart when I decide to write
about what I feel. Maybe it’s a gift. Maybe my sensitivity and openness is a
curse. Maybe it will save someone’s quality of life. Maybe it’s saving my own. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">I received a hateful message this
morning on Facebook from a younger cousin who has anger and alcohol problems. I
should be used to the whole slut shaming and virgin/whore dichotomy by now… but
for whatever reason it stung like 10,000 be stings into my intestines this
morning upon awakening. My body began to tremble and my heart race with fear. I
was triggered. That life threatening, survival instinct had kicked in. He
talked about the well being of my child. My child, the only reason I have life
at all right now. The very thing that pulled me from the gates of hell, and
gave me the inspiration to fight mental illness, addiction, failure, and
trauma, was my child. Is my child, I should say. I still fight these things,
but I am WINNING. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Later this morning, I bowed into
myself on my yoga mat in a class of thirty people or more. I have not been practicing
much lately because I have been running from my fear so fast I haven’t been
sleeping well or breathing well. So to finally get on my mat and be fully
willing to surrender my things to do list, my anxiety about money, my fears of
failure and inadequacies, was a relief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I dropped into my breath over and over trying to let go of fearful or
anxious thoughts… and then it happened. As I closed my eyes and gracefully
leaned in & opened up into trikonasana (triangle pose) my heart
metaphorically ripped right open to the ceiling. Tears trickled down the side
of my face and onto the floor. There I was, shinning brightly, beautifully,
radiantly , and I knew it! This is who I am. I am never the things I fear or
what people have told me. When you are graced with that glimpse of who you are,
the moment that can barely be described with words, the only option in to weep
at the revelation of your own power and beauty. I’ve been running from my
beauty and running from my power because it’s frightening. Frightening to
think, I might just experience even greater love, even greater success. I might
just fuckin pull it off again this whole “after college thing.” The fear that I
will be abandoned by everyone I love if I truly fill my life with what I love
and desire. The fear that if I don’t have another degree or save some children
in Africa, that I’ll disappoint everyone who has cheered me on. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">I am so scared, but as I stepped
back like an acrobatic dancer into down dog & whipped myself back upside
down into wild thing… I almost yelled out loud as I said in my head with my
eyes closes, “THIS IS MY BODY. THIS IS MYYYYYYY BODY. THIS IS MINE!!!!! THIS IS
MY LIFE. THIS IS MY HEART! THIS IS MINEEEEEEEE!!!!!” But, I just whispered it
to myself. This is the yoga. It never fails. Somatic therapy. Connection to
something greater. Tapping into power. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjER0h2DlOGlQIVdMPxw17hEAOrM7AEES2pYhYadYJz7z662iwptndS6ldz7c9QtpYj2fGjRyQhimH7sxjWXQsDErtTiugISaLARX6xxaCMDu3Jh-TgruGItwyetK3b8j9RB1u6Q73K2xA/s1600/ayutaya+yoga.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="color: black; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjER0h2DlOGlQIVdMPxw17hEAOrM7AEES2pYhYadYJz7z662iwptndS6ldz7c9QtpYj2fGjRyQhimH7sxjWXQsDErtTiugISaLARX6xxaCMDu3Jh-TgruGItwyetK3b8j9RB1u6Q73K2xA/s1600/ayutaya+yoga.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></span></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">I have so much more to say on what
was said in that message & my experience of female objectification and
parenting, but I am really excited about organizing my room right now and shaking
my ass to some dub step. … until next time. </span></b><o:p></o:p></div>
Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-48715554336217565682014-07-23T02:02:00.002-07:002014-07-27T02:49:00.378-07:00My Spanish Adventures <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Blog Spain<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I wanted adventure. I wanted reprieve. I wanted to feel
something new inside me and all around me. I wanted to love myself more deeply.
I wanted to be free. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I got all these things and more. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB17bmm9XLWiSs7OmS_Xn31KhWs7pU6v4A_qWgYAasgu0L8ZloMx7Cb97mO8R5AKfYNtIFZGij0VbM0J9AbMCLORcC4SEmHpeKqbkJSrVKJSsYGWrCwBdlOyPXP4DECEHyWjgWALPdpng/s1600/10484278_10204104538591404_4873655848609624289_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB17bmm9XLWiSs7OmS_Xn31KhWs7pU6v4A_qWgYAasgu0L8ZloMx7Cb97mO8R5AKfYNtIFZGij0VbM0J9AbMCLORcC4SEmHpeKqbkJSrVKJSsYGWrCwBdlOyPXP4DECEHyWjgWALPdpng/s1600/10484278_10204104538591404_4873655848609624289_n.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">At a time in my life where I was closing the epic adventure
of "porn star-turned-mommy goes to college," I was also getting ready to travel across the world leaving my 5 year old daughter at home for 7 weeks. The epic adventure called college was </span><span style="font-size: large;">where I would prove to myself
and the world that I was far beyond just being a whore. That I actually had a
brain, a heart, and a drive no one could match. I won 35 awards in 4 years.
Because of my street smarts combined with my school smarts, I got to travel to
Oahu, Maui, Tahoe, Thailand, Bali, Spain, & now Portugal without having a
job. I don’t say this to brag; I say this because this journey has been
absolutely ground breakingly magical… miracle after miracle.
Sometimes it feels as if my life were on autopilot towards success no matter
how many times I fell down. I had the honor to touch peoples lives, to stand up
in front of hundreds of people to tell my story and passions. One time I had a
standing ovation for which I wanted to crawl under the table and hide. May I
never forgot what I am capable of, what we all are capable of. It’s mind
blowing, and sometimes I forget. It’s easier to forget, than to remember, for
remembering means you have to step up to the plate, no giving up. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">This academic journey has been my incubator cooking me,
preparing me to stand strong against adversity out there in the real world. A world that raped me metaphorically and literally. A world that chewed me up, spit me out, and left me to die. I had no tools for living in it. And, now my college journey had come to a close and I
felt so uneasy embarking on my Spain/Portugal trip this summer. I found myself wanting to
drink the fear and uncertainty away. I found myself doubting
everything I’ve worked for, doubting my parenting skills (which is
ridiculous because I live and breath for that child), doubting my ability to be
anything more than a sex worker… on n' on. I felt alone in Spain and misunderstood.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Then I hit a breaking point and let all that shit go. I
jumped in the water, paddled hard, spit salt water out my mouth with vengeance,
and went for wave after wave after wave until my body wouldn’t let me anymore. (I am talking about small waves, mind you.) Every time I got back on my board, A board, ANY board, I came back to myself, pretty much in the same way yoga and meditation bring me back to the present moment, back to who I feel I am, back to my strength & resiliance. It’s like it
hits a reset button. Like when you’re playing mortal combat or some video game
and you don’t like your score- you can just give in and hit that reset button
hahahaha. Every thing is like a video game to me for some reason. That’s why I
liked school. Points involved? ALRIGHT IM IN! Reset button for the game of life. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">My first couple weeks, I was so worried about not having all the adventures I was craving until my friend invited me to meet her in the island of Ibiza for a really fancy adventure: private jet plane, giant white Spanish guest house with our own pool for skinny dipping, dancing naked on our own balcony, danced naked on a beach & climb rocks while our Italian dudes laughed at us and made sure we didn't die, being fed glorious meals by different people I met along the way, motor bike rides for beer and pizza, danced til 7am at the famous club Amnesia. Ibiza rocked my world for 4 days of twighlight zone.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"> On the way to Ibiza I was like a manifestation magnet for adventures and romance. First, I ended up sitting next to a cool hippy dude that revealed to me he's a rock climber and all things outdoors. SCORE!! He showed me pictures on his phone of epic outdoors trips and my heart started pounding with excitement. We exchanged info, and we ended up going on a few adventures together and becoming life long friends, I am sure. He has a house in the mountains that I will come visit soon. He even hosted me at his mother's home and they treated me with such kindness and tenderness; I felt really special to be there and to have their welcoming and hospitality. Secondly, when I transferred buses to get to the airport, some hot blue eyed babe swooped me from the side and hosted me the rest of the way to the airport. He paid for everything and we laughed and tried to get to know each other even though his Spanish was so fast for me. As we parted, he demanded a kiss... he was so bold as to ask for french kiss with a little tongue! So, I just licked his face from chin to nose instead, and then I walked away. Now, we are pen pals. Butterfly inducing, exciting friendship kinda pen pals. He has a home in Malaga where I will stay with his family when I come back. SCORE again!! </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Upon my return to Comillas, where my school program was, I finally met some cool surfer dudes from Belgium & Holland. One totally swindled me at a club where I refused to go home with him (he had no shoes on for heaven's sake and sleeps in a caravan at a surf camp). The next day on the beach he waived to me while he was teaching surf lessons. None of the other surfer dudes had ever made effort to talk to me before so I was sure he was not waving to me! I looked behind me as to see who he was waving to and I never waved back. This dude was relentless because then he came up to talk to me even though I seemingly ignored him and refused his offer before ha ha. This time he invited me to have tea, and I thought that's pretty legit & nice. Fast forward, fell in love with all the amazing, open, funny, beautiful people at his Belgium surf camp he works at, fell in love with Oyambre beach, and my new surfer friends took me for a sunrise surf session to end it all. I caught lots of little waves and felt on top my own lil world. Every time I looked over at my new friends, my heart smiled because although I am not the greatest surfer yet, it feels really nice to share the love of surf with other people who know how you feel. I felt really appreciated by them, and that's such a nice feeling. I met so many other people... these are just the highlights.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I just wanted to be free... I just wanted to love myself a little deeper. In each of these special people, I saw my freedom and love of life reflected back to me. Thank you to the people who saw me for me, danced with me all night, surfed with me, fed me, helped me, and laughed with me. I don't always get everything I want, but I definitely come VERY VERY close on a regular basis. The life of Ernesto Manifesto. <3</span></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-29716548058575522472014-01-29T16:08:00.005-08:002014-04-21T12:38:14.016-07:00Growing Into Myself HurtsDang. Where do I begin... this journey gets deeper and deeper the farther down the road one gets. It happens to be a series of events and experiences topped off by this class on the sociology of sexual cultures that has my mind, body, and spirit blown.<br />
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I am just going through some type of anger process. Anger at culture for tricking me into believing me I have reason to be ashamed from a young young age. And even now, to have people judge me, call me names like whore, garbage whatever when they are mad, to have my daughters teacher judge her as having a princess complex, to my friends and family tell me what type of career is or isn't acceptable. What does MY heart say? What does MY body want? What are my desires erotic and non-erotic? Why do I have to choose an identity to label myself as straight, bi, gay, or just hyper sexual? Why do I feel bad for gaining a little weight this week? Why do I feel bad about cutting my hair and feeling fear that no one will be attracted to me now & that that might hold some kind of status for my well-being if I am not? What the fuck. This class has taught me about social construction and I am having my mind blown. Ideas that I took for granted are coming to my awareness and I am questioning them...<br />
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I want to be FREE God Damn it! Don't judge me people... let us be. Let me love who I wanna love, let me have intimate encounters with who I want to... let me honor my body and my life in the way I see fit, and when I don't... still leave me alone because I will find my way. If you love me, then let me be. Be there when I ask for help or I get confused or I need you to remind me of who I truly am inside without all the glitter and guts.<br />
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I'm choosing to let this anger unravel... this betrayal I feel from culture & society. Everything is make believe. Everything is socially constructed from what we think is right and wrong to what we believe we need to eat for dinner to what we see as sexy or not sexy. Moral or immoral. Good parenting or not good parenting. Im angry that I have wasted any ounce of my life on feeling bad about myself, or my choices. Because in the stillness of my soul, I know who I am. It has no words, no images, no plans... but it feels good and right and beautiful if there were words. I am learning that its ok to be and do what feels good and right to me. Its my job to navigate that, not yours. I happen to desire to be a kind, loving, and truthful person. So in order to do that... I need the freedom to just breath. The freedom to be as wild and as radical as my lil spirit wants to be (hopefully without getting arrested). The freedom to love and guide my daughter with my bestest intentions and thoughtfulness. The freedom to connect with people the way I know how and love. The freedom from social or moral restraint.<br />
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Thanks.Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-25043959747677257312013-11-14T06:50:00.000-08:002013-11-14T07:31:22.667-08:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">As usual when I am inspired to write, I do not plan what I will put down. I do have to say that I have a burning desire in my heart right now to express... to share what I'm experiencing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">My recent boyfriend bailed on Izzy and I a month ago or so, and surprisingly despite the sadness, I have been waking up everyday with this incredible energy and motivation. I remember this from before when I was pregnant with Izzy, starting school, diving into a yoga practice, determined to heal. My heart and ass were almost literally on fire. I have that same fire right now blazing in my heart. As I write this my chest is full of this incredible excitement and warmth. I am just so burning with excitement for my life... to be a part of YOUR life (whom ever that may be) and to just jump head first into everything that delights my spirit: rock climbing!! snowboarding!! dancing!! scholarships!! money!! being in nature!! being present for my daughter!! adventures!! graduating Cal & grad school!! moving closer to the beach!! being more loving & loud about it!! I mean list goes on & on. I want to inspire others so badly!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">So, anyways, I've been meditating everyday, diving deeper into my yoga practice which I believe is somatic therapy for deep issues, and allowing myself to feel the depth of my feelings. I am dedicated to self-love, getting through blockages, and believing in my path even if people walk out of my life because it's not the path for them aka boyfriend. As a result, some weird stuff is going down ya'll!!!!! I had a kundalini experience yesterday and I am about to share it with you.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Goes like this... I had rough day prior to this amazing day dealing with welfare systems, legal systems, and just highly stressful things to make ends meet. I cried a lot but I got through it all and had 5 hours of physical activity between it all. Did I become super woman? I dunno how I did it. The next day I woke up at 4am to meditate (dedicated I TELL YOU ha ha) and do last minute homework. The rest of the day seemed to flow easily and effortlessly in comparison to the day before. I felt easeful... easy to talk to strangers which I usually avoid. I found myself shaking peoples hands, being super present, enjoying my daughter more. Wow... I was flowin with the Universe. I saw friends and usually at first I think judgmental thoughts of what i think they are thinking of me, but this time I just reached out to hug them both with confidence, stayed humble, and went about printing a poem. Why printing a poem?? Best part! Because my 1pm 500 person meditation class held by Professor Azevedo was going to change it up and let who ever wants to present a writing, an expression from the heart. I printed my self-forgiveness poem instead of my whore poem intuitively. My heart was pumping. I was so excited for this for some reason to be heard. I sat right in the front... signed one of the random sign up sheets going around for people who want to read. Then I sat back and made effort to be patient and pay attention for each presenter.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The first girl, a total hippy amazingly dont give a fuck kinda girl got up first and had us make the ugliest face we could... awkward but I tried and giggled. We all stood and moved our bodies in a spontaneously way & then she began her poem off top of her head. She was like free speaking. It was so profound and poetic and from the depths of her spirit. I had to swallow the intense knott in my throat. Suddenly, that warm excited sensation that I have been feeling in my heart spread through my entire core, into the bottom of my pelvic floor and up through the top of my head. HOLY MONKEY BALLS am I high? I thought to myself. Something inside me told me this was a gift and to relax and bask in the sensation. So I stayed present with my breath as a few more people went up... each one touching every bone in my body. I mean I felt their insight and inspiration in the depths of my bones so much that I began to get goosebumps up my legs and tingly in the back of my head. One dorky white boy kid got up and surprised us all. He started free flowin. OMG this boy was a genius. Every line was so creative with so much depth of who he is and radical self-acceptance like explaining how he's different than the rest of the world maybe speakin alien compared to everyone else and how he's been to jail for fighting for what's right etc.... and the intensity that he performed it in was just mind blowing, and brave and radical and scary and brilliant all at the same time. I was just floored. I could barely handle the excitement. I just laughed and holla'd at him as everyone clapped and whistled. AMAZING. Then I was wanting to share mine so bad. And just as I was beginning to know they would randomly pick me next out of all the names, I began to imagine them saying my name in my head and before I could finish, they called ROBIN RIVERA. My friends cheered my name and I began to reveal my heart to this class room of 500 people not knowing I would struggle to read it with a frog in my throat because it was that real & that raw for me. I needed to be heard. I knew someone else in that room needed to hear it. And sure enough after... an young Indian girl came up to me to hug me and thank me and tell me how much it touched her. Wow. I was full blown lit up in all my chakras. Is this what can happen to the human body/spirit just by getting a group together in a sacred space where we try to meditate & then allow each other to creatively express ourselves??? If so, this is the fucking job I wanna do for the rest of my life!!!!! This is where the magic is at. AND, coincidentally my other full blown kundalini awakening happened in the same freaking kinda group setting 4 years ago in a Anusara Yoga immersion 108hr workshop. We did a creative expression night. I pussed out & didn't dance my dance because I was ashamed of how sexy I dance.. I thought I would be judged & then I sat there as I watched a belly dancer delight the room more than any other participant WITH MY FUCKING DANCE MOVES! It was beautiful & I missed my chance to express. But this shows me how much I've grown to come full circle. I did not miss my chance yesterday & I stood their completely unashamed of who I am. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I want to tell you about the growth I experience later last night when my heart broke over this recent boyfriend and grieving letting him go... but this is getting to long. I'll just say that as my heart was breaking one of my best friends called: Miguel. The angel sent to guide me through that pain on such a very magical day for me. I know this friend SEES me. I mean really SEES me. And, he told me I must be like some extremely evolved human that gets to feel the full spectrum of what humans can potentially feel and experience. He's right. I'm experiencing it alright. May I learn to protect myself... May I never be afraid to love so deeply... may I love harder and longer and deeper... May I not cling to that love for their is abundance... May I never be ashamed of the blessings that I hold... May I share and share and share... and share.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Special thank you also to my dearest girl friend Ashley who pours her heart and beliefs into me, who reminds me who I am every step of the way, who walks with me week after week, year after year. Thank you for your devotion. I love you.</span>Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-76509025185477691512013-10-23T13:02:00.002-07:002013-10-23T13:09:11.635-07:00Letter from the Heart <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Dear Robi,<br />
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I just want you to know that you are on the right track. This past year especially, you have grown by leaps and bounds. I am so proud of your bravery... every time something big came up like loved ones dying, past traumas being triggered, parenting skills being put to the test, almost facing serious trouble at the #1 public university in the world that you worked day and night to get into, falling into true love & having it rock your world to loosing that love, traveling to a third world country by yourself, learning to surf-rock climb- snow board, rededicating to your yoga teacher training, rededicating to your meditation practice, watching the man you love welcome other women into his heart and mind, you let God bring on the pain and you embraced it, you experienced self-harm behaviors that hadn't shown their ugly face in years, YOU not only got through it... you stood strong, you held on tight to your faith in love, your faith in a power greater at work, your faith in your true ability, YOU held onto your deep desire to heal & you have not given up. You did the emotional & spiritual work & still do every single day. I know how bad you want this. I know how bad you want to be healed. I've watched you willingly take on the challenges & some kicking and screaming, but look what you've learned. You are on the fast track girl. There's no turning back. The ones who can keep up with you and walk with you will. The ones who can't, don't be sad. They will be taken care of... they have their own path. Keep going, Im so proud of you. The veil has been lifted... open your eyes. Look around you... everything that you once believed is no more. It was all an illusion. You are free. Let yourself bask in the freedom. You were never broken. You and everyone you touch are shinning bright. Take a bow.<br />
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Love,<br />
Your Light<br />
<br />
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<br />Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-53511796504302216722013-10-05T09:06:00.000-07:002013-10-05T09:42:53.975-07:00Gut Checks. Listen to Them.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9GV6INR4LsSV9Wl17Mp7s9BdS_pKPp7YhiO799rhUEHG8e5bHLBtmlDh_VDi5aXEkWhG14xz9jzZIRLUxKuVarcFH8UQdwwNLPUmwQZa3w4vmZYtWT7KyPTE_CYOkJzVpm0ImpwP2BSc/s1600/ganesh.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9GV6INR4LsSV9Wl17Mp7s9BdS_pKPp7YhiO799rhUEHG8e5bHLBtmlDh_VDi5aXEkWhG14xz9jzZIRLUxKuVarcFH8UQdwwNLPUmwQZa3w4vmZYtWT7KyPTE_CYOkJzVpm0ImpwP2BSc/s320/ganesh.png" width="320" /></a><br />
On the topic of intution, I had a resent disturbing situation with another female whom I had serious gut checks with. My heart wanted to love this girl (new friend) who got too close with my boyfriend while we were taking time apart for a month or so<br />
, but I sensed the imbalance in her & in the friendship. I sensed spiritual danger and unconsciousness in this girl while my sweetheart was unable to call her on her shit because of his own imbalances of being the "nice guy." I was almost willing to sacrifice my comfortability and not listen to my intuition for the sake of other people liking me. SCREW that. The lessons I learned here were to stand strong in who I am, stand strong in my essence by not letting the imbalances and blindness of others shake me. I was sickened by the scenario because I felt tricked and betrayed by this woman and not respected. After my honey stood up for me and explained to her that I felt threatened and uneasy about them spending alone time, she still texted him to hang out and go climbing and expressed being upset. What are the driving forces behind a woman or friend who tests the boundaries of love and intimacy between two kind spirits especially where she has already overstepped? Both my partner and I have other great friendships with the opposite sex, all of which are non-threatening and feel in alignment with what we are about. What if the roles were reversed? If your a man & your good female friend was madly in love and wanted to respect her new love's concerns by setting some extra boundaries and space for a while, would you respect her & be happy for her? Or would you continue to call and text her to go on solo adventures? Would you express how upset you were about it and seek sympathy from her? Uhhh, I know I sure as heck wouldn't. And this is where I have to practice empathy, love, & understanding!! holy monkey. We are all human, in this condition together. God knows I have my imbalances with my self-esteem being shaken at times and certain things trigger me etc etc on & On. I can have compassion for this woman because I believe she knows not how she is... I can only wish an awakening for her. BUT, at the same time its vitally important to honor your bodies intuition, that sick feeling that turns in your stomach and tells you something is not right with this. It is possible to forgive and love people, yet not let them into the boundaries of your intimate life. Luckily, the man I chose and whom chose me are waking up spiritually on this path at our own pace. We are both open to honoring eachother and learning what that means as we grow together. We can hold space for eachother to work through our imbalances while knowing we have eachothers backs no matter what. The love and adventures and intimacy we share are outta this world and we deeply desire to motivate and inspire as many people as we can to live big like we are. So for that, I am thankful for these lessons on intution, self-love, and forgiveness.<br />
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Love yourself enough to set those boundaries and know you are supported by the Universe.Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-18562802604262606232013-08-28T19:37:00.002-07:002015-03-12T11:04:16.079-07:00The Miracle Is Found In the Surrender: Miraculous Life of an Ex-Porn Star<div style="text-align: center;">
Follow my journey as I help others heal:<br />
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www.Facebook.com/robinriverawarrioroflight <br />
https://chronicleofsocialchange.org/opinion/the-long-journey-of-a-runaway/8981 <br />
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This post is an experiment...</div>
I consider myself a very blunt and brutally honest person, but there are certain things about my journey that I don't usually share with anyone accept the people very close to me who I cannot shock anymore. Well today I feel called to be absolutely real about how hard it is to choose to leave the sex industry. Sex industry meaning anything in the adult business: stripping, web cam, porn, nude photo shoots etc. I am aware that most reading this will never understand what it's like to be a young woman with limited life skills and find that the sex industry will not only keep you afloat for years to come but drowned you with more money than most your family will ever see. I thought it was my ticket out! My ticket to freedom, fame, and fortune. It was my very best option. As long ago as it was, 5 years to be exact, it still haunts me on a monthly basis. As far as I have come in changing my life by winning over 30 awards and scholarships, after all the speeches I've given, articles written about my success story, and even one standing ovation as a keynote speaker... I still have times that I want to go back to my old life or at least for a quick fix to my finances. To choose everyday not to go back, is huge & only other women & children who have been in the "life" will ever understand what a huge accomplishment that is and the level of balls that takes! It feels like your intestines are being wrung out to say NO to quick money in a world where welfare is cutting me off and giving me another figurative ulcer. I have money & it always keeps coming, but the lies I tell myself override reality at times.<br />
Honestly, this post is my attempt at an experiment with God, the Universe. I was on the verge of doing web cam under my old stage name recently because I knew I could just chit chat with old fans and make new ones fast. My daughter Izzy & I would have plenty of money for the organic food we like, snow boarding, traveling, and ballet classes not to mention my school books. I thought I had to do it. Welfare just cut me off while I was studying abroad, I spent my money generously on other people and donating, I just always believe that more will come. But then the fear set in... as it always does. And I was ready to throw in the towel, even considering giving up on school and just stacking bread! Im really really good at it. I want control. I want my options back... But today I was reminded of my greatness & given a reminder of my purpose.<br />
One year ago I made a deal with God that if he helped me win some more scholarships I would not go back to the adult business, and I would stick the hard times out. Well, surprise surprise... I received over $70k in scholarships and grants. Ok FINE GOD! I'll stay, I thought. One of the awards I won was to be a UC Berkeley 2012 George Miller Scholar where I got $7k to conduct my own research on my favorite topic dear to my heart: the commercial sexual exploitation of children in America & more specifically in the bay area. I went through a lot this year and gave up on my project. I was telling them I want to forfeit my award and back out. They didn't let me. They insisted I know my shit and just throw together a last minute power point and deliver. I literally wrote my speech this morning and delivered at 4:45PM never practicing the speech. A miracle happened and some powerful authorative voice took over me as I looked people in the eyes and made my case about the need for residential treatment homes for commercially sexually exploited youth. People came up to me after and loved it. They really really heard me. They acted like I had planned that speech all year. Some want to get involved. I even was encouraged to apply for the bomb other scholarship to continue my research and go on for a PhD ride. Damn, talk about options.<br />
This moment showed me I have a gift and a purpose much greater than making quick money. It reminded me of those children selling their bodies for money and how I gotta show them the way out. I felt sick and knew I needed to cancel the web cam account that I have yet to start & keep trusting in my path and purpose. It ain't time to throw in the towel. I saw that clearly today. My best friend and lover will be delighted to hear that news I am sure. So, since it worked once before... I am giving this another shot.<br />
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God,<br />
I surrender. I surrender it all... please help us. If there is another way beside the adult industry that I can survive and thrive and have all our dreams come true... please show me the way. This is my offering. I give up trying to figure it out my way, the way that was shown to me long ago and led me almost to death. Thank you for showing me today that I am so much more. Please continue to show me everyday so that I can remember. God, it's soooo hard. I forget. Help me remember so that I can help all those other women & girls know who they are. So that they can remember too. <br />
Use me ... let my story be heard. Let it all be worth it. I believe in your miracles.. who ever you are God. I know you're there & have never ever failed me. My life is magical. Help me honor it by staying strong and hold my hand because I am so scared sometimes.<br />
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Thank you,<br />
lil' Robi<br />
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Please sign up to follow my blog or Facebook.com/robinriverawarrioroflight<br />
I will be doing everything I can to fight the good fight. Help me make a difference.Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-69834064027044057712013-07-03T08:02:00.001-07:002013-08-29T12:30:40.640-07:00Thailand: A Time For Transformation<br />
<i style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font: inherit; line-height: 20px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><b style="border: 0px; font: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment."</b> </i><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">~Echkart Tolle</span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Open Sans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I experienced this amazing, magical kinda love this year. I mean jaw dropping, radical partnership that abruptly came to an end when my intuition was tugging at me to make a shift. My partner, for whatever reason, said some things that led me to believe he wasn't on board & that I had lost him. I was devastated. I was about to leave for my first worldy trip with him in weeks and now all our plans were upside down. I was sure I would marry this man on the beach one day & he would adopt my daughter... and we'd grow spiritually together while traveling the world & helping people. PERFECT! But, no. We are human and fell short on the communication spectrum when the shit hit the fan. I cried heavily for 2 days almost straight. My daughter kept hugging me & telling me "it's gonna be ok mommy, just breath. Im here for you." Those sweet words. Some may judge me & think a child shouldn't be mothering the mother... but I know better. This child is one of my many guru's. She is here to teach me love and strength. I pulled myself up by my boot straps and got ready to embark on my journey to Thailand, ALONE.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Open Sans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I was terrified and the first two days I barely wanted to leave my building except to meet a friend who could feed me and take me out. So many things ran through my mind and I was afraid I was just gonna puss out on everything now that my late boyfriend wasn't here to be my crutch. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Open Sans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Alone in my apartment in Bangkok, I suddenly realized I was obsessing on the break up. I thought to myself, "i'll show him! I can have fun without him. I can have fun adventures on my own. I don't need anyone." This tape sounds all too familiar. I've said these things to myself as a little girl when I felt alone, afraid, & abandoned... i felt unimportant. I protect myself by throwing my middle finger up & finding freedom in being alone. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Open Sans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I have been going through ups and downs while in this beautiful country, and while experiencing many firsts for myself. But, I have to admit... I'm not having as much fun as I wanted to. I thought if I can just meet a cute European or Thai guy, i'll feel better. If I can just climb a fuckin mountain wall... i'll show the bf I am strong without him... if I just ran fast enough, work hard enough, loose more weight, down more shots, dance crazier, be crazier... I'll feel better. But, night after night I grieve. I realized after a 30 min skype convo with my best friend, that I can let down my guard and be vulnerable. Im right where I need to be. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Open Sans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">So fine! I am done trying to mask, cover up, be ok, achieve, feel ashamed, feel guilty, etc. I am heart broken right now. I wanna scream sometimes, I have cried on the bathroom floor twice, I have burnt prayers, burnt sage, and tried to do things at my anger. The love of my life has chosen a different path at this time and spending time with other women. I don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt or that I wasn't "too attached" because I was. I am. I still love him. And, like the blog my friend sent me today... I, also, am a woman who grew up experience trauma and chaos and major disappointment. This is not the first heart break. The first heart break came from my family. This is only a reflection of what I need to face and overcome one baby step at a time. Feelings of abandonment, rejection, and fear have been triggered and I am so scared. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Open Sans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Despite my fear, I keep turning inward and checking in. Last night I had a spiritual experience where I saw myself again and felt so proud of my courage... I let myself off the hook for my recent anger and cruelty to this man. I can let him off the hook a little more today than I did yesterday because I choose love. So, I am writing this to welcome in the pain... I will be brave and know the Universe has my back. I learned today that nothing is mine to keep. Not the love of my life, not my anger, not my magical moments... its all passing by. Mission is to keep staying present with what ever is. And tonight, I am incredibly saddened. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Open Sans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I vow to wake up tomorrow and do it for me! I vow to climb that damn limestone rock wall for the little girl deep inside me screaming to be free! I vow to travel the rest of my trip with my head high & my heart being held by my own hands. I vow to be present for others and let them be present for me. I don't have to do or be anything ... I am grateful for this experience of not being able to run from myself and to be brave not only in my spiritual life, but in another freakin country. I can do this. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Open Sans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">There was a saying my yoga teacher said in a workshop something like this... "Offer your pain into the blazing fire of your heart, for the fire is not going to burn you but rather purify you" </span></span>Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-54325602361638921272013-06-15T06:30:00.001-07:002013-06-15T06:43:18.427-07:00Girl In the Mirror<br />
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Wow! Here I go with this feeling I get when I have to write. It's like this higher part of me receives a revalation, and I have to let it flow creatively to be fully expressed and experienced...<br />
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I have gone through some pretty gnarly transitions and events this last few months, but this is what I am good at. I am on this personal path to uncover all my dark parts, to shed light, and be rid of the painful things that have held me back from being FREE. Free in my spirit, free to love & be loved, free from fear, free from internal anguish and self-destruction. When you are on that path, man the shit sure likes to hit the fan for all to see. The reason for this is #1 to humble you by forcing you to bask in your truth, all of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. #2 it is an opportunity to learn who you are & accept yourself with radical acceptance & radical love regardless of what your best friend says about these events, regardless of the stories that have been played on repeat in your head about who you are & what you do & the reasons for it, regardless of what men or women come in and out of your life. When it comes down to it... YOU are the one who decides what meaning to give to your life, your spirit, and your character. YOU are the one who is responsible for your peace and contentment. YOU are the one who can rid all the terrible things that have happened and to transform them into works of art for the world to enjoy.<br />
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Before I receive clear perspective after the all hell seems to break loose, I tend to go into sort of a fog because all my beliefs and old patterns get stirred up. They get stirred up so that radical transformation can emerge and new beliefs can settle in. But man, can it be dark and lonely in the process. I made myself hang on tight and everyday this last month or two I have sat on my meditation pillow bowwing to my own heart, knowing that I can take refuge in thy self. I made this little place inside me my home. The love of my life seemed to turn his back on me as I was going through this transformation, my best friend has lectured me and I feel cut off from her, my family came to my rescue but bringing all their dysfunction along with their love, and mean while I have been trying to pull myself together to prepare to leave the country for the first time 12 years to a country I know little about. It's a lot. But, like I said, this is what I am made for. This is what I asked for. I beg God to keep healing me, I so deeply want to be free from the internal torment I have experience my entire life... the self-destructive habits that can lead me to think death is an option. I mean that is some sure soul torment when you have everyting to live for, but the pain inside is too hard to bear & it feels there is no way out at the time. My heart goes out to anyone who knows that type of utter gutwrenching pain.<br />
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Now that the fog is subsiding, I've had glimpses. These are the little gifts I receive from the Universe and seem to be part of the unveiling process. Recently, I have been an energetic magnet. I have been getting FB messages or comments from people that I didn't even know think of me and with their sweet appreciative words my soul opens up a little more to see what I should be seeing instead of the fog. People keep telling me that I inspire them, or that they are in awe of me, my love of life (& this person knew about my recent mental break down even yet she still knows & sees my love of life!), people have been telling me how beautiful I am even though I sometimes struggle with an eating disorder or body image quirks from my modeling days that haunt me, people hug me like they really love being with me, but mostly its these random messages I get from others or see people taking my advice on books, herbal medicine, self-love stuff, and working out... it makes me feel so good like I have a positive impact on people without even trying, just by taking care of myself, being brutally honest, and riding the waves. I feel overwhelmed with appreciation for the kind words that people have given me randomly. THANK YOU. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone & that you all see me... even when I have a hard time seeing myself. Thank you so much and I am inspired to keep telling others when they touch me with their beauty or strength.<br />
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This is not all for nothing. This IS FOR SOMETHING! The biggest lesson I am learning is the depths of self love.<br />
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Rockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2281340638132425750.post-64270284218612830982013-05-14T07:11:00.000-07:002013-05-14T11:28:31.048-07:00Passing the Test<br />
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I believe when you're on the path, the path tests you in order move onto the next level of existence. There's things I wanted to hold onto. Things that elusively persuaded me that I needed. Things that could rip everything I worked so hard for right from under me. Things that no longer mask the pain that my ego tries to avoid. I've been tested. I had to make a choice at the fork in the road as to which life I choose. I can't meander between this life n that... I'm either in or I'm out.<br />
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The lessons I've learned this past month... old survival skills that may have served me in the past to shield myself from danger or the police, will no longer serve me as a yogi, student in the bureaucratic academic world, nor in my relationship with myself. I learned that I can no longer hang onto the notion that I can drink like normal people for the sake of entertainment, nor like the heavy drinkers who can wake up and go about their lives like somewhat happy lil people. I surrender to the fact that God has called me to a higher purpose that requires all my BALLS, all my love, all my willingness, all my strength. There's no running. I confess that I have to let go of the adult industry EVER being an option even if I dropped out of school, even if the money runs out, even if I feel rejected & misunderstood at times by "normal" people (the one's who aren't so wild, the one's who were sheltered, the one's who normal jobs lol). I have other options... I dunno what they are, but someone I trust told me I do and I am willing to discover the freedom in that. I have learned that above all else, I am the one believe in myself through hard times and to follow what fulfills me. I learned to ask for help, YUCK! I learned that guilt is an illusion... the core of who we are never changes and we are all doing the very best we can.<br />
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I've had some alone time yesterday. I went to see an herbal clinic to assist me on this path to healing and to help keep my perspective strong and clear. I felt really supported. Supported by the Universe and support by myself and supported by my loved ones. I did everything my body was telling me to do yesterday: eat a nice spicy lunch, go for a bike ride, study flash cards, take a nap, take a bath, watch a movie, read your May Cause Miracles book etc. By the end of the evening, the veil over my perception has lifted completely. As I walked into my bedroom, I took a few minutes to look deeply into my pictures of my daughter & I, my many awards on the wall (too many to even put up), I saw a picture of my pregnant belly, and one of my AA degree graduation where I wore 3 sashes & two medals. I saw my daughter kissing me sweetly on the cheek in two pictures; she loves me, she really loves me. And, I love her... I felt this incredible love for myself because I fucking did it! I am not the statistic everyone once thought I would be. It's been almost 5 yrs I think since I changed my life... it's not over yet. I not only haven't ruined anything by my bumps in the road, but I have actually grown by leaps and bounds and I gave this child a home and a love that so many children don't have. That is the truth. The truth is not that I am a fuck up, or that I am broken from trauma, or that I am incapable of being loved. I am a resilient human being who strives with all her heart to do good in this life. Wow, I think the herbs were helping first day! I don't write these things from my ego... I write them genuinely from my heart because I have been tested and my vision fogged. I lost sight of my purpose for a minute and the pain in my heart came charging forward.<br />
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Today, I embrace this pain as the pathway to the next level of my healing and existence. May all beings be acknowledged for their suffering and may we transcend it into unlimited possibility.<br />
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There's a dulling pain deep inside<br />
where all the treasures reside<br />
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Will it decide to go away?<br />
Or is this the price I will pay? <br />
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Some people can't understand<br />
others race to take my hand<br />
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Self-love is the answer<br />
to ward off this cancer<br />
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I open my heart to embrace it<br />
in steady silence I sit<br />
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Will it test me tomorrow?<br />
Is love transforming this sorrow? <br />
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Some people can't understand<br />
others race to take my hand<br />
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The truth is revealing<br />
my power I'll be stealing<br />
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I'm not the only one<br />
there's work to be doneRockin Robinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12464206233579552543noreply@blogger.com0