Some things in life cannot be sufficiently explained or understood... some truths will never be told... and some injustices may never be made right. This is the fact I have to face. I have to be ok with being who and what I am right now. I have to be ok not knowing exactly why people have harmed me or the details of what really happened. My memories of a Halloween night when I was 15 years old are foggy & fragmented.
For all these years since, I have wanted so desperately to know what happened to me. Why was I in so much pain the next day? Why was I convulsing & hallucinating? Who were those silhouettes of bodies I vaguely remember? Why didn't someone stay with me to make sure I was ok? And, why did those people from school torment me after? What did I do to deserve this? ... I may never fully know, but I have to learn to be satisfied with not knowing.
Last night I saw a beautiful picture of my childhood friend's sister on FB, and I commented. Following my comment was the girl friend of one the men who was involved in some kind of raping that happened to me on Halloween. Im shaking inside to even think of this woman. She was known as a bully and the bold, relentless type. Last night she made smart ass comments below mine, and my heart began to race, my whole body started shaking as if I were shivering, and I was short of breath. Seeing her meanness again reminded me of one of the most traumatic events of my life. My hands are shaking typing this, but I now this is the only way through this lesson... it is to feel & to let it out creatively.
After all the rape stuff went down, and all kinds of detectives getting involved, this woman hunted me down. I think I was set up by another friend so that the girl friends of these terrible men could confront me & they forced me to stand in front of everyone and tell them step by step everything that I remember... to one of the men's face. The guy looked me in the eyes and lied. He told me that I am just a sick little girl trying to get attention or something when in fact, it was his own friend who ratted him out. I was so humiliated and terrified. I wanted to die... I tried to die. I ran away, I started smoking meth with strange older people with guns, who harbored me for 2 weeks before the police found me. I was hospitalized and then sent off to a boarding school in Mexico where I began to heal in a very intense, brutal environment. I was forced to start dealing with it all.
Today, here I am... a mother dedicated to healing from all past trauma & trying to make all my dreams come true. I am willing and ready to face what ever arises. Last night, I guess it was my time to feel this pain and relive the horror one more time so that I can forgive those people. How can I forgive this woman who tormented me, who I feared would jump me, the reason I had police patrolling my parents house for my safety? I am not exactly sure how, but I can have compassion for her. She has to live with her mean self. I would never treat anyone poorly without remorse. How sad that she married a man who raped a little girl when he was grown already. She, too, has to live without ever knowing the truth about that night, just like me. Only I am the one most affected.
I learned recently that I am aloud to be angry... I don't have to hold it in or cover it up or let it explode at someone else. I AM ANGRY THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I AM ANGRY THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO WANT TO HURT ME. I AM ANGRY THAT I AM THE ONE WHO HAS TO BE STRONG & PICK UP ALL THE GOD DAMN PIECES & GIVE MY DAUGHTER A GOOD LIFE. I AM SO ANGRY!!! BUT, even though I am angry... I still have enough love in my heart to get through it. May God be the one to make things right. It's just my job to forgive and let it be. I forgive that woman because I know, and many others know, that I don't deserve to be treated poorly. I forgive her because I am the one who gets to be free & choose to be surrounded by sweet, loving people... she is stuck living in darkness.
Even deeper... I can forgive those guys, however many there were, because they know not what they did. This world is full of sickness; it just manifests in different forms for everyone. Empathy I believe is the solution. I have this vision of being in heaven or something & meeting them at their death bed in spirit & kissing them on their forehead to tell them, I forgive them with the most gentle words. God can handle all of the rest. When I die, I want there to be no unfinished business... I want to have loved my people the very best I can, I want to close all wounds that were created, I want to forgive deeply and be remembered in the highest way possible! So, maybe I will never know the details of what happened that night or have justices served, but I can be healed enough & forgive enough to truly thrive in this life.
I learned recently that I am aloud to be angry... I don't have to hold it in or cover it up or let it explode at someone else. I AM ANGRY THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I AM ANGRY THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO WANT TO HURT ME. I AM ANGRY THAT I AM THE ONE WHO HAS TO BE STRONG & PICK UP ALL THE GOD DAMN PIECES & GIVE MY DAUGHTER A GOOD LIFE. I AM SO ANGRY!!! BUT, even though I am angry... I still have enough love in my heart to get through it. May God be the one to make things right. It's just my job to forgive and let it be. I forgive that woman because I know, and many others know, that I don't deserve to be treated poorly. I forgive her because I am the one who gets to be free & choose to be surrounded by sweet, loving people... she is stuck living in darkness.
Even deeper... I can forgive those guys, however many there were, because they know not what they did. This world is full of sickness; it just manifests in different forms for everyone. Empathy I believe is the solution. I have this vision of being in heaven or something & meeting them at their death bed in spirit & kissing them on their forehead to tell them, I forgive them with the most gentle words. God can handle all of the rest. When I die, I want there to be no unfinished business... I want to have loved my people the very best I can, I want to close all wounds that were created, I want to forgive deeply and be remembered in the highest way possible! So, maybe I will never know the details of what happened that night or have justices served, but I can be healed enough & forgive enough to truly thrive in this life.
