So I am finding when something is really weighing on my heart, these little blogs really help release stuff. Here it goes again.
In the midst of my search for something better, anything..... I found myself a lil boyfriend. Lots of wierdos & sometimes nice guys attempted dating me while I was in La but I was in Robin's world. I had no time or enough space in my brain to let someone closly into my life, especially not a man. I was consumed with making money, partying, being center of attention & most importantly being free. So why did I let my guard down little by little for this guy. Lets call him Henry. I guess I felt a deep need for comfort & some sort of stability & he seemed to offer me that. I was in a lot of pain torn between my hearts desires & old demons. He befriended me & saw something in me worth saving. And thank God for him during that time. Soon he realized just how deep my pain was & how powerless he really was when it came to trying to control me. I believe he loved me at that time & I really loved him..... whether it was pure or selfish... i dunno. So we broke up. And my life continued to spiral downward til I got to a point where I had enough of this weak girl shit!!! I decided to abandon all my belongings & go home to my family where I should of been a long time ago. Henry was still my friend & supported me in my new journeys.
I was exhausted but my heart was on fire. I was ready to suck it up & try my best to leave the past behind me & start healing. The details i was not sure of & i was really scared but God washed over me with a sense peace & comfort. I looked for jobs & was about to start working 7 days a week. (for chump change, mind you)With the love & support of my friends/ family got through one week, and then.......................
I discovered I was pregnant. I laughed & giggled as my friends excitement comforted me. I just knew this was all part of God's plan. Never once did I think abortion was an option. I knew this was going to change my life & whatever promises I made to myself were now set in stone & I was gonna work my tail off to heal & prepare myself for mommy hood. Life suddenly got serious, and I could plainly see what was important & what was not. My ambitions intensified, my old worries & bad habbits faded away, my heart grew even bigger. I was excited for my new LIFE!!
This Henry guy...... turned out not to be the loving friend I thought he was. He turned on me when I told him. And 8 months into my pregnancy, still wants nothing to do with our precious baby girl. Today he told me it was my decision to have her, not his, so I have to suffer the financial consequences & he will not help. My heart lit up like a freakin torch & I let him know that i am proud to say " YES I DO want this baby girl & i want her with all my heart! And I will never deny her the love she deserves!" God damn it. (sorry God, Im makin a point). I will never feel sorry for myself to be a single mom, because I chose this man out of all the men I could of dated or gave a chance, I chose Henry. Yes I was spiritually sick & attracted the likes of him, but I take responsibility. And it's ok. I had poor judgement in men. But I will do everything in my power to provide the least amount of suffering for my daughter as possible from this. To me that means I owe it to my daughter to be the very best woman that with the help of God, I can be! It means forgiving Henry & not shutting the door on the chance that he might change & come looking for her. It means I forgive myself for alllllll my mistakes. It means I surround her with healthy & loving people & never drag her through unnecessary relationships. It means when I feel like giving up, I'll try even harder!!! I wish Henry could feel all the peace & love that I get to feel everyday because of who this lil baby drives me to be.God Bless Him
In the midst of my search for something better, anything..... I found myself a lil boyfriend. Lots of wierdos & sometimes nice guys attempted dating me while I was in La but I was in Robin's world. I had no time or enough space in my brain to let someone closly into my life, especially not a man. I was consumed with making money, partying, being center of attention & most importantly being free. So why did I let my guard down little by little for this guy. Lets call him Henry. I guess I felt a deep need for comfort & some sort of stability & he seemed to offer me that. I was in a lot of pain torn between my hearts desires & old demons. He befriended me & saw something in me worth saving. And thank God for him during that time. Soon he realized just how deep my pain was & how powerless he really was when it came to trying to control me. I believe he loved me at that time & I really loved him..... whether it was pure or selfish... i dunno. So we broke up. And my life continued to spiral downward til I got to a point where I had enough of this weak girl shit!!! I decided to abandon all my belongings & go home to my family where I should of been a long time ago. Henry was still my friend & supported me in my new journeys.
I was exhausted but my heart was on fire. I was ready to suck it up & try my best to leave the past behind me & start healing. The details i was not sure of & i was really scared but God washed over me with a sense peace & comfort. I looked for jobs & was about to start working 7 days a week. (for chump change, mind you)With the love & support of my friends/ family got through one week, and then.......................
I discovered I was pregnant. I laughed & giggled as my friends excitement comforted me. I just knew this was all part of God's plan. Never once did I think abortion was an option. I knew this was going to change my life & whatever promises I made to myself were now set in stone & I was gonna work my tail off to heal & prepare myself for mommy hood. Life suddenly got serious, and I could plainly see what was important & what was not. My ambitions intensified, my old worries & bad habbits faded away, my heart grew even bigger. I was excited for my new LIFE!!
This Henry guy...... turned out not to be the loving friend I thought he was. He turned on me when I told him. And 8 months into my pregnancy, still wants nothing to do with our precious baby girl. Today he told me it was my decision to have her, not his, so I have to suffer the financial consequences & he will not help. My heart lit up like a freakin torch & I let him know that i am proud to say " YES I DO want this baby girl & i want her with all my heart! And I will never deny her the love she deserves!" God damn it. (sorry God, Im makin a point). I will never feel sorry for myself to be a single mom, because I chose this man out of all the men I could of dated or gave a chance, I chose Henry. Yes I was spiritually sick & attracted the likes of him, but I take responsibility. And it's ok. I had poor judgement in men. But I will do everything in my power to provide the least amount of suffering for my daughter as possible from this. To me that means I owe it to my daughter to be the very best woman that with the help of God, I can be! It means forgiving Henry & not shutting the door on the chance that he might change & come looking for her. It means I forgive myself for alllllll my mistakes. It means I surround her with healthy & loving people & never drag her through unnecessary relationships. It means when I feel like giving up, I'll try even harder!!! I wish Henry could feel all the peace & love that I get to feel everyday because of who this lil baby drives me to be.God Bless Him
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