Thailand: A Time For Transformation

"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment." ~Echkart Tolle

I experienced this amazing, magical kinda love this year. I mean jaw dropping, radical partnership that abruptly came to an end when my intuition was tugging at me to make a shift. My partner, for whatever reason, said some things that led me to believe he wasn't on board & that I had lost him. I was devastated. I was about to leave for my first worldy trip with him in weeks and now all our plans were upside down. I was sure I would marry this man on the beach one day & he would adopt my daughter... and we'd grow spiritually together while traveling the world & helping people. PERFECT! But, no. We are human and fell short on the communication spectrum when the shit hit the fan. I cried heavily for 2 days almost straight. My daughter kept hugging me & telling me "it's gonna be ok mommy, just breath. Im here for you." Those sweet words. Some may judge me & think a child shouldn't be mothering the mother... but I know better. This child is one of my many guru's. She is here to teach me love and strength. I pulled myself up by my boot straps and got ready to embark on my journey to Thailand, ALONE.

I was terrified and the first two days I barely wanted to leave my building except to meet a friend who could feed me and take me out. So many things ran through my mind and I was afraid I was just gonna puss out on everything now that my late boyfriend wasn't here to be my crutch. 

Alone in my apartment in Bangkok, I suddenly realized I was obsessing on the break up. I thought to myself, "i'll show him! I can have fun without him. I can have fun adventures on my own. I don't need anyone." This tape sounds all too familiar. I've said these things to myself as a little girl when I felt alone, afraid, & abandoned... i felt unimportant. I protect myself by throwing my middle finger up & finding freedom in being alone. 

I have been going through ups and downs while in this beautiful country, and while experiencing many firsts for myself. But, I have to admit... I'm not having as much fun as I wanted to. I thought if I can just meet a cute European or Thai guy, i'll feel better. If I can just climb a fuckin mountain wall... i'll show the bf I am strong without him... if I just ran fast enough, work hard enough, loose more weight, down more shots, dance crazier, be crazier... I'll feel better. But, night after night I grieve. I realized after a 30 min skype convo with my best friend, that I can let down my guard and be vulnerable. Im right where I need to be. 

So fine! I am done trying to mask, cover up, be ok, achieve, feel ashamed, feel guilty, etc. I am heart broken right now. I wanna scream sometimes, I have cried on the bathroom floor twice, I have burnt prayers, burnt sage, and tried to do things at my anger. The love of my life has chosen a different path at this time and spending time with other women. I don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt or that I wasn't "too attached" because I was. I am. I still love him. And, like the blog my friend sent me today... I, also, am a woman who grew up experience trauma and chaos and major disappointment. This is not the first heart break. The first heart break came from my family. This is only a reflection of what I need to face and overcome one baby step at a time. Feelings of abandonment, rejection, and fear have been triggered and I am so scared. 

Despite my fear, I keep turning inward and checking in. Last night I had a spiritual experience where I saw myself again and felt so proud of my courage... I let myself off the hook for my recent anger and cruelty to this man. I can let him off the hook a little more today than I did yesterday because I choose love. So, I am writing this to welcome in the pain... I will be brave and know the Universe has my back. I learned today that nothing is mine to keep. Not the love of my life, not my anger, not my magical moments... its all passing by. Mission is to keep staying present with what ever is. And tonight, I am incredibly saddened. 

I vow to wake up tomorrow and do it for me! I vow to climb that damn limestone rock wall for the little girl deep inside me screaming to be free! I vow to travel the rest of my trip with my head high & my heart being held by my own hands. I vow to be present for others and let them be present for me. I don't have to do or be anything ... I am grateful for this experience of not being able to run from myself and to be brave not only in my spiritual life, but in another freakin country. I can do this. 

There was a saying my yoga teacher said in a workshop something like this... "Offer your pain into the blazing fire of your heart, for the fire is not going to burn you but rather purify you" 

Girl In the Mirror

Wow! Here I go with this feeling I get when I have to write. It's like this higher part of me receives a revalation, and I have to let it flow creatively to be fully expressed and experienced...

I have gone through some pretty gnarly transitions and events this last few months, but this is what I am good at. I am on this personal path to uncover all my dark parts, to shed light, and be rid of the painful things that have held me back from being FREE. Free in my spirit, free to love & be loved, free from fear, free from internal anguish and self-destruction. When you are on that path, man the shit sure likes to hit the fan for all to see. The reason for this is #1 to humble you by forcing you to bask in your truth, all of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. #2 it is an opportunity to learn who you are & accept yourself with radical acceptance & radical love regardless of what your best friend says about these events, regardless of the stories that have been played on repeat in your head about who you are & what you do & the reasons for it, regardless of what men or women come in and out of your life. When it comes down to it... YOU are the one who decides what meaning to give to your life, your spirit, and your character. YOU are the one who is responsible for your peace and contentment. YOU are the one who can rid all the terrible things that have happened and to transform them into works of art for the world to enjoy.

Before I receive clear perspective after the all hell seems to break loose, I tend to go into sort of a fog because all my beliefs and old patterns get stirred up. They get stirred up so that radical transformation can emerge and new beliefs can settle in. But man, can it be dark and lonely in the process. I made myself hang on tight and everyday this last month or two I have sat on my meditation pillow bowwing to my own heart, knowing that I can take refuge in thy self. I made this little place inside me my home. The love of my life seemed to turn his back on me as I was going through this transformation, my best friend has lectured me and I feel cut off from her, my family came to my rescue but bringing all their dysfunction along with their love, and mean while I have been trying to pull myself together to prepare to leave the country for the first time 12 years to a country I know little about. It's a lot. But, like I said, this is what I am made for. This is what I asked for. I beg God to keep healing me, I so deeply want to be free from the internal torment I have experience my entire life... the self-destructive habits that can lead me to think death is an option. I mean that is some sure soul torment when you have everyting to live for, but the pain inside is too hard to bear & it feels there is no way out at the time. My heart goes out to anyone who knows that type of utter gutwrenching pain.

Now that the fog is subsiding, I've had glimpses. These are the little gifts I receive from the Universe and seem to be part of the unveiling process. Recently, I have been an energetic magnet. I have been getting FB messages or comments from people that I didn't even know think of me and with their sweet appreciative words my soul opens up a little more to see what I should be seeing instead of the fog. People keep telling me that I inspire them, or that they are in awe of me, my love of life (& this person knew about my recent mental break down even yet she still knows & sees my love of life!), people have been telling me how beautiful I am even though I sometimes struggle with an eating disorder or body image quirks from my modeling days that haunt me, people hug me like they really love being with me, but mostly its these random messages I get from others or see people taking my advice on books, herbal medicine, self-love stuff, and working out... it makes me feel so good like I have a positive impact on people without even trying, just by taking care of myself, being brutally honest, and riding the waves. I feel overwhelmed with appreciation for the kind words that people have given me randomly. THANK YOU. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone & that you all see me... even when I have a hard time seeing myself. Thank you so much and I am inspired to keep telling others when they touch me with their beauty or strength.

This is not all for nothing. This IS FOR SOMETHING! The biggest lesson I am learning is the depths of self love.

Passing the Test

       I believe when you're on the path, the path tests you in order move onto the next level of existence. There's things I wanted to hold onto. Things that elusively persuaded me that I needed. Things that could rip everything I worked so hard for right from under me. Things that no longer mask the pain that my ego tries to avoid. I've been tested. I had to make a choice at the fork in the road as to which life I choose. I can't meander between this life n that... I'm either in or I'm out.

      The lessons I've learned this past month... old survival skills that may have served me in the past to shield myself from danger or the police, will no longer serve me as a yogi, student in the bureaucratic academic world, nor in my relationship with myself. I learned that I can no longer hang onto the notion that I can drink like normal people for the sake of entertainment, nor like the heavy drinkers who can wake up and go about their lives like somewhat happy lil people. I surrender to the fact that God has called me to a higher purpose that requires all my BALLS, all my love, all my willingness, all my strength. There's no running. I confess that I have to let go of the adult industry EVER being an option even if I dropped out of school, even if the money runs out, even if I feel rejected & misunderstood at times by "normal" people (the one's who aren't so wild, the one's who were sheltered, the one's who normal jobs lol). I have other options... I dunno what they are, but someone I trust told me I do and I am willing to discover the freedom in that. I have learned that above all else, I am the one believe in myself through hard times and to follow what fulfills me. I learned to ask for help, YUCK! I learned that guilt is an illusion... the core of who we are never changes and we are all doing the very best we can.

        I've had some alone time yesterday. I went to see an herbal clinic to assist me on this path to healing and to help keep my perspective strong and clear. I felt really supported. Supported by the Universe and support by myself and supported by my loved ones. I did everything my body was telling me to do yesterday: eat a nice spicy lunch, go for a bike ride, study flash cards, take a nap, take a bath, watch a movie, read your May Cause Miracles book etc. By the end of the evening, the veil over my perception has lifted completely. As I walked into my bedroom, I took a few minutes to look deeply into my pictures of my daughter & I, my many awards on the wall (too many to even put up), I saw a picture of my pregnant belly, and one of my AA degree graduation where I wore 3 sashes & two medals. I saw my daughter kissing me sweetly on the cheek in two pictures; she loves me, she really loves me. And, I love her... I felt this incredible love for myself because I fucking did it! I am not the statistic everyone once thought I would be. It's been almost 5 yrs I think since I changed my life... it's not over yet. I not only haven't ruined anything by my bumps in the road, but I have actually grown by leaps and bounds and I gave this child a home and a love that so many children don't have. That is the truth. The truth is not that I am a fuck up, or that I am broken from trauma, or that I am incapable of being loved. I am a resilient human being who strives with all her heart to do good in this life. Wow, I think the herbs were helping first day! I don't write these things from my ego... I write them genuinely from my heart because I have been tested and my vision fogged. I lost sight of my purpose for a minute and the pain in my heart came charging forward.

Today, I embrace this pain as the pathway to the next level of my healing and existence. May all beings be acknowledged for their suffering and may we transcend it into unlimited possibility.

         ...

There's a dulling pain deep inside
where all the  treasures reside

Will it decide to go away?
Or is this the price I will pay?

Some people can't understand
others race to take my hand

Self-love is the answer
to ward off this cancer

I open my heart to embrace it
 in steady silence I sit

Will it test me tomorrow?
 Is love transforming this sorrow?

Some people can't understand
others race to take my hand

The truth is revealing
my power I'll be stealing

I'm not the only one
there's work to be done

Knew It Existed

      Despite lacking the tangible evidence in my home that a sweet kind of love existed, I just knew deep inside that it did. I didn't see it in my parents... not once (sorry mom, don't read this... turn back now <3). I saw an occasional awkward half hug... which, EEW, made my stomach turn every time because it seemed so unnatural for my parents to do. But, I did see love in other people. I can't put my finger on it. I felt an amazing love when I would get the opportunity to help someone when I was little... I felt the love from my Grandmother who let me play with her ancient treasures and dance gracefully like a ballerina. As life went on, I felt so cheated that this love I believed in didn't show up very often in my life. And, I became depressed. Choice after choice, I set myself up to confirm this other belief that I did not deserve to be loved for if my own family didn't love me, something must be wrong with me. Life went on.

Through a series of events, I began to awaken to my true nature & that belief in love still very much alive. I fell in love with this child of mine & oh my God was it rocking my world! I began to date for the first time and feel frustrated that these men, although nice & good looking, did not express that deep, soul touching gentle love that I knew existed. I even told my daughter's father, after we tried to get back together once, that I believe in a special kind of love & I know I deserve it now... He proceeded to tell me, "NO ONE is going to love you the way that you want to be loved, and if you find him, let me know so I can kick his ass!" I laugh at this now, sweet Henry... he just couldn't see me for who I was nor could I completely see him. I believe people can only see your true beauty and gifts if they too possess those gifts or are at a similar level of awakening in life (or by miracle). For a second, I thought something was wrong with me that my standards had gotten too high, or I had one of those over the top expectations of men that I couldn't control. But, none the less I walked away from these dating attempts and focused on loving myself. I kept seeking spirituality and doing what made me happy. I busted my ass in school and rocked the shit out of my community college. I mean it was catastrophic the impact I was blessed to make. I was kind of accepting that maybe that partnership we all seek would be sacrificed for me to serve the world whole heartedly... maybe I would be like freakin mother Teresa or something. I was ok with that.

To my great surprise, this amazing, gentle, patient, wild man came into my life... and completely confirmed for me that I was on the right track with those red flags before. He completely confirmed that someone will indeed love me the way I always wanted to be loved and that a deep, sweet spiritual love does exist. I thought I was possibly broken, unable to receive love, but this man showed me I am not... I was just not in front of the right person or spot. We laugh and play and act completely wild in public. We have had a spaghetti fight in the middle of my kitchen late at night that was part kissing part actually eating &  part throwing meatballs without abandon. We teach each other all our special gifts and explore new things and ideas. He shares his books with me so we can be on the same page spiritually and I share my pranayama & teachings with him as well. It's as if all those lessons before led me up to this point where I could openly receive love in a raw and vulnerable way and stand still... not run. I usually run. This person holds me so close, running isn't necessary nor an option. This love purifies all those things I  thought I missed out on or had ruined by someone or something. This love comforts me in way I never knew could. How can a man know every deep dark nook n cranny that most would have a heart attack knowing, yet be brave enough to walk though it & say, "I feel you. Im here for you," while placing his hand on my heart. It feels like God is blessing me and making up for all the pain I experienced most of my life... I have a vision of God or Goddess (who ever) wiping away my tears, stroking my hair saying, "Don't worry child. I didn't stop the world from hurting you for good reason, but hold on I have a plan; the best is yet to come." Thank you Universe for holding me so tightly and never letting go. Thank you for bringing this man into our life to make up for all the rough times. Thank you for giving me a gorgeous, kind partner to share this amazing journey with... I intend to share our love over and over and over again. I knew that love existed. Told ya!

Raising & Healing At the Same Time

I have a hard time imagining that parenting is really this hard for other people given that other people tend to willingly choose to have more children after the first one. Parenting has become so painful for me I can hardly stand it at times and want to ran out the door screaming for someone to rescue me from my anger, guilt, shame, traumatic memories, and all the lost little parts of me that severed long ago. Despite the pain that has been surfacing in a huge way, I am consistently willing to look at it...to learn...to cope in a new way...to heal and do what ever the next right thing is. I am willing to stop the story of  not being good enough long enough to connect with my true purpose.

Today I cried all the way on the bus ride into my amazing therapists office where I sat crying & texting my best friend/soul mate (Ashley) until I was allowed to unravel completely on the old lady like couch where the magic usually happens. My therapist immediately put me into a "soul retrieval" type meditation because what is happening here is my daughter's showing me parts of myself that are painful, reminding me of times when I was little and not seen and afraid. I'm terrified to create an environment of insecurity for her and that leads me to be hyper sensitive to every melt down, negative interaction, and tantrum. I remember the pain & the horror I felt as a child and the confusion. I want nothing more than to shield my daughter from the intensity of that kind of soul breakage.

So, as my guided meditation began, I was instructed to feel where this feeling originated. I saw myself curled up in a ball on the cold carpet in a fetal position rocking my young self back n forth, back n forth telling myself "it's ok baby Robin, I will take care of you." You see, something had happened back them (no matter if it was blown up in my mind or real) that caused me to feel the depths of loneliness and despair. I knew I was the only one I could trust, and I decided I was not lovable, not good enough. Then I was directed to retrieve all the abused broken little selves at all ages of my life & bring them into the present to make peace with them. Then I was asked to think of my daughter Izabella & to call upon her higher-self to tell my higher-self why she chose me to be her mother. Talk about powerful experience! WTF! I have come to the conclusion that this child has chosen to walk this path with me to teach me love. The love that I was so longing for and confused about. She's revealing to me all my shadow parts so that I can stand in my core knowing that no matter what comes up, I am unchanging inside. This is a time for radical transformation, and it hurts. Man, it really hurts, and I feel sad to face these memories and old beliefs of not being good enough... but I realize they are illusions.

Do other people feel intense pain when they shout at their children? Do they know how it makes them feel? Do other people feel like throwing in the towel &  admitting they are not ready for this responsibility nor have the nerve to tolerate one more ungrateful tantrum? Do other people see all the broken parts of themselves when the crying matches breakout? Are other people ok with feeling trapped or limited? How do those women make it look so easy and even make dinner & work out & do laundry & compete with society & be sexy & be gracious all at once? Is this a delusion TV has fed me? I am not that woman... I am raw. I am healing from the terrible things I've seen in this world & felt upon my face. I am lucky to not be locked up somewhere or burried in the ground. It's a miracle for me to be in school and laugh at the obstacles of yesterday and how outrageously courageous I am. All I want is to give my daughter & myself the love I never had inside & safety. We all deserve safety. So fuck the laundry, fuck shaming myself for my parenting shortcomings, fuck the facy dinner & looking good on the outside. I learned today that all I have to do is stand in integrity & ask myself... Am I doing the best I can right now in this moment? If not, what can I do to embody that? This is real life. So, I look forward to picking my daughter up from preschool today & embracing her thanking her for holding space for me to heal & holding my hand through this process. I am thankful for her choosing ME to be her mother and that I chose her.

Self Forgiveness

Dear Robin

I see you there child

I am sorry you felt so alone

I could not comfort you

I am sorry for all those terrifying nights when you thought it was over

I could not protect you

I am sorry the emotional pain kept out weighing the physical

I could not stop them

I am sorry you saw ugliness and rejection in the mirror everyday

I failed to wipe your tears

I am sorry you had to run and hide all those years

I could not find you

I am sorry your soul was crushed & your body dismantled

I could not put you back together back then

I am sorry you had to medicate night after night

I could not hide the medicine

I am sorry you lost hope on the bathroom floor, hospital bed, police car, hotel room
I could not pick you up

…

But I want you to know…

I did not abandon you

I was covered by your shame, your parent’s shame, and their parent’s shame…

I tried to find you

Take heart because Izabella has brought me to you, I’m here to stay

I got you sweetie, the nightmare is over now.

I have watched you transform, there’s no turning back

From this day forth

I will give you all the things you never had

I will hold you tight

I will protect you

I will strengthen you

I will love you dearly

I will hold your hand through all your victories

I will wipe your tears

I will delight your heart with friendships & romance

I have restored you

Please forgive me! I beg you.

Love,

Your Light

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