Waiting in Destruction

Other people with this brain of mine most likely would of put a bullet in it long ago. I stand here having beat the odds. According to social welfare statistics, I also am destined to live in poverty and be a child abuser. Everyday, I have to be the warrior of not only my life, but my almost 6 year old daughters life as well. I have worked my tail off to learn what it means to me to be a whole and healthy mother, to learn what success means to me, and to diligently take the next courageous step for my freedom. Yet, times are so hard right now, and my next steps feel so unclear. My directions so ambiguous. So, I wait.

I could easily think I am back sliding or that I will never get better inside. My emotional healing journey has felt like I'm in rocky territory, and the pain of my lessons is completely "destroying" me. Thoughts of hopelessness come & go quickly. Feelings of giving up and inadequacy appear every week. My loved ones hold me and pick me back up off the floor. I had zero money for weeks and paid for gas with quarters ashamed to ask my boyfriend or family for help. I have put my resume out to dozens of job ads, and the only thing that comes back are small yet empowering gigs. So, I wait.

I wait in silence and sometimes raging tears. Why God? Why do I have to feel so broken and humiliated for this long when I have worked so hard?

The answer that I am finding is that I am being broken to be made new over and over again. I am not being destroyed and abandoned. I am having every ounce of lies being pulled out of me so that I can see and know the truth of who I am and of life. I am an old soul. I am being made ready to receive what I have always wanted. Or, at least awakening to what has always been there. The layers of deceit are being lifted and I pull them back over my head like tug-a-war with God. Because if I see the truth, the whole truth, I GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Is it possible that I am so terrified of my own beauty because then I will be wrong. Every negative self belief that I have been fed to believe will be proven wrong & I will have to recreate a whole new world view and perception of life. I will have to fully step into my greatness and own it. I will have to not just fake confidence, but exude real and deep self-love against all adversity.

So, I wait... in my pain, in my joy, delighting in the comfort of my beautiful boyfriend and the arms of my sweet daughter, I wait, wait for the work to be done in me so that I can soar on eagles wings, and walk & not get weary. Actively waiting in what feels like complete destruction.

Girl In the Mirror

Wow! Here I go with this feeling I get when I have to write. It's like this higher part of me receives a revalation, and I have to let it flow creatively to be fully expressed and experienced...

I have gone through some pretty gnarly transitions and events this last few months, but this is what I am good at. I am on this personal path to uncover all my dark parts, to shed light, and be rid of the painful things that have held me back from being FREE. Free in my spirit, free to love & be loved, free from fear, free from internal anguish and self-destruction. When you are on that path, man the shit sure likes to hit the fan for all to see. The reason for this is #1 to humble you by forcing you to bask in your truth, all of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. #2 it is an opportunity to learn who you are & accept yourself with radical acceptance & radical love regardless of what your best friend says about these events, regardless of the stories that have been played on repeat in your head about who you are & what you do & the reasons for it, regardless of what men or women come in and out of your life. When it comes down to it... YOU are the one who decides what meaning to give to your life, your spirit, and your character. YOU are the one who is responsible for your peace and contentment. YOU are the one who can rid all the terrible things that have happened and to transform them into works of art for the world to enjoy.

Before I receive clear perspective after the all hell seems to break loose, I tend to go into sort of a fog because all my beliefs and old patterns get stirred up. They get stirred up so that radical transformation can emerge and new beliefs can settle in. But man, can it be dark and lonely in the process. I made myself hang on tight and everyday this last month or two I have sat on my meditation pillow bowwing to my own heart, knowing that I can take refuge in thy self. I made this little place inside me my home. The love of my life seemed to turn his back on me as I was going through this transformation, my best friend has lectured me and I feel cut off from her, my family came to my rescue but bringing all their dysfunction along with their love, and mean while I have been trying to pull myself together to prepare to leave the country for the first time 12 years to a country I know little about. It's a lot. But, like I said, this is what I am made for. This is what I asked for. I beg God to keep healing me, I so deeply want to be free from the internal torment I have experience my entire life... the self-destructive habits that can lead me to think death is an option. I mean that is some sure soul torment when you have everyting to live for, but the pain inside is too hard to bear & it feels there is no way out at the time. My heart goes out to anyone who knows that type of utter gutwrenching pain.

Now that the fog is subsiding, I've had glimpses. These are the little gifts I receive from the Universe and seem to be part of the unveiling process. Recently, I have been an energetic magnet. I have been getting FB messages or comments from people that I didn't even know think of me and with their sweet appreciative words my soul opens up a little more to see what I should be seeing instead of the fog. People keep telling me that I inspire them, or that they are in awe of me, my love of life (& this person knew about my recent mental break down even yet she still knows & sees my love of life!), people have been telling me how beautiful I am even though I sometimes struggle with an eating disorder or body image quirks from my modeling days that haunt me, people hug me like they really love being with me, but mostly its these random messages I get from others or see people taking my advice on books, herbal medicine, self-love stuff, and working out... it makes me feel so good like I have a positive impact on people without even trying, just by taking care of myself, being brutally honest, and riding the waves. I feel overwhelmed with appreciation for the kind words that people have given me randomly. THANK YOU. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone & that you all see me... even when I have a hard time seeing myself. Thank you so much and I am inspired to keep telling others when they touch me with their beauty or strength.

This is not all for nothing. This IS FOR SOMETHING! The biggest lesson I am learning is the depths of self love.