Raising & Healing At the Same Time

I have a hard time imagining that parenting is really this hard for other people given that other people tend to willingly choose to have more children after the first one. Parenting has become so painful for me I can hardly stand it at times and want to ran out the door screaming for someone to rescue me from my anger, guilt, shame, traumatic memories, and all the lost little parts of me that severed long ago. Despite the pain that has been surfacing in a huge way, I am consistently willing to look at it...to learn...to cope in a new way...to heal and do what ever the next right thing is. I am willing to stop the story of  not being good enough long enough to connect with my true purpose.

Today I cried all the way on the bus ride into my amazing therapists office where I sat crying & texting my best friend/soul mate (Ashley) until I was allowed to unravel completely on the old lady like couch where the magic usually happens. My therapist immediately put me into a "soul retrieval" type meditation because what is happening here is my daughter's showing me parts of myself that are painful, reminding me of times when I was little and not seen and afraid. I'm terrified to create an environment of insecurity for her and that leads me to be hyper sensitive to every melt down, negative interaction, and tantrum. I remember the pain & the horror I felt as a child and the confusion. I want nothing more than to shield my daughter from the intensity of that kind of soul breakage.

So, as my guided meditation began, I was instructed to feel where this feeling originated. I saw myself curled up in a ball on the cold carpet in a fetal position rocking my young self back n forth, back n forth telling myself "it's ok baby Robin, I will take care of you." You see, something had happened back them (no matter if it was blown up in my mind or real) that caused me to feel the depths of loneliness and despair. I knew I was the only one I could trust, and I decided I was not lovable, not good enough. Then I was directed to retrieve all the abused broken little selves at all ages of my life & bring them into the present to make peace with them. Then I was asked to think of my daughter Izabella & to call upon her higher-self to tell my higher-self why she chose me to be her mother. Talk about powerful experience! WTF! I have come to the conclusion that this child has chosen to walk this path with me to teach me love. The love that I was so longing for and confused about. She's revealing to me all my shadow parts so that I can stand in my core knowing that no matter what comes up, I am unchanging inside. This is a time for radical transformation, and it hurts. Man, it really hurts, and I feel sad to face these memories and old beliefs of not being good enough... but I realize they are illusions.

Do other people feel intense pain when they shout at their children? Do they know how it makes them feel? Do other people feel like throwing in the towel &  admitting they are not ready for this responsibility nor have the nerve to tolerate one more ungrateful tantrum? Do other people see all the broken parts of themselves when the crying matches breakout? Are other people ok with feeling trapped or limited? How do those women make it look so easy and even make dinner & work out & do laundry & compete with society & be sexy & be gracious all at once? Is this a delusion TV has fed me? I am not that woman... I am raw. I am healing from the terrible things I've seen in this world & felt upon my face. I am lucky to not be locked up somewhere or burried in the ground. It's a miracle for me to be in school and laugh at the obstacles of yesterday and how outrageously courageous I am. All I want is to give my daughter & myself the love I never had inside & safety. We all deserve safety. So fuck the laundry, fuck shaming myself for my parenting shortcomings, fuck the facy dinner & looking good on the outside. I learned today that all I have to do is stand in integrity & ask myself... Am I doing the best I can right now in this moment? If not, what can I do to embody that? This is real life. So, I look forward to picking my daughter up from preschool today & embracing her thanking her for holding space for me to heal & holding my hand through this process. I am thankful for her choosing ME to be her mother and that I chose her.