My Spanish Adventures

Blog Spain

I wanted adventure. I wanted reprieve. I wanted to feel something new inside me and all around me. I wanted to love myself more deeply. I wanted to be free. 

I got all these things and more.

At a time in my life where I was closing the epic adventure of "porn star-turned-mommy goes to college," I was also getting ready to travel across the world leaving my 5 year old daughter at home for 7 weeks. The epic adventure called college was where I would prove to myself and the world that I was far beyond just being a whore. That I actually had a brain, a heart, and a drive no one could match. I won 35 awards in 4 years. Because of my street smarts combined with my school smarts, I got to travel to Oahu, Maui, Tahoe, Thailand, Bali, Spain, & now Portugal without having a job. I don’t say this to brag; I say this because this journey has been absolutely ground breakingly magical… miracle after miracle. Sometimes it feels as if my life were on autopilot towards success no matter how many times I fell down. I had the honor to touch peoples lives, to stand up in front of hundreds of people to tell my story and passions. One time I had a standing ovation for which I wanted to crawl under the table and hide. May I never forgot what I am capable of, what we all are capable of. It’s mind blowing, and sometimes I forget. It’s easier to forget, than to remember, for remembering means you have to step up to the plate, no giving up. 

This academic journey has been my incubator cooking me, preparing me to stand strong against adversity out there in the real world. A world that raped me metaphorically and literally. A world that chewed me up, spit me out, and left me to die. I had no tools for living in it. And, now my college journey had come to a close and I felt so uneasy embarking on my Spain/Portugal trip this summer. I found myself wanting to drink the fear and uncertainty away. I found myself doubting everything I’ve worked for, doubting my parenting skills (which is ridiculous because I live and breath for that child), doubting my ability to be anything more than a sex worker… on n' on. I felt alone in Spain and misunderstood.

Then I hit a breaking point and let all that shit go. I jumped in the water, paddled hard, spit salt water out my mouth with vengeance, and went for wave after wave after wave until my body wouldn’t let me anymore. (I am talking about small waves, mind you.) Every time I got back on my board, A board, ANY board, I came back to myself, pretty much in the same way yoga and meditation bring me back to the present moment, back to who I feel I am, back to my strength & resiliance. It’s like it hits a reset button. Like when you’re playing mortal combat or some video game and you don’t like your score- you can just give in and hit that reset button hahahaha. Every thing is like a video game to me for some reason. That’s why I liked school. Points involved? ALRIGHT IM IN! Reset button for the game of life. 

My first couple weeks, I was so worried about not having all the adventures I was craving until my friend invited me to meet her in the island of Ibiza for a really fancy adventure: private jet plane, giant white Spanish guest house with our own pool for skinny dipping, dancing naked on our own balcony, danced naked on a beach & climb rocks while our Italian dudes laughed at us and made sure we didn't die, being fed glorious meals by different people I met along the way, motor bike rides for beer and pizza, danced til 7am at the famous club Amnesia. Ibiza rocked my world for 4 days of twighlight zone.

 On the way to Ibiza I was like a manifestation magnet for adventures and romance. First, I ended up sitting next to a cool hippy dude that revealed to me he's a rock climber and all things outdoors. SCORE!! He showed me pictures on his phone of epic outdoors trips and my heart started pounding with excitement. We exchanged info, and we ended up going on a few adventures together and becoming life long friends, I am sure. He has a house in the mountains that I will come visit soon. He even hosted me at his mother's home and they treated me with such kindness and tenderness; I felt really special to be there and to have their welcoming and hospitality. Secondly, when I transferred buses to get to the airport, some hot blue eyed babe swooped me from the side and hosted me the rest of the way to the airport. He paid for everything and we laughed and tried to get to know each other even though his Spanish was so fast for me. As we parted, he demanded a kiss... he was so bold as to ask for french kiss with a little tongue! So, I just licked his face from chin to nose instead, and then I walked away. Now, we are pen pals. Butterfly inducing, exciting friendship kinda pen pals. He has a home in Malaga where I will stay with his family when I come back. SCORE again!! 

Upon my return to Comillas, where my school program was, I finally met some cool surfer dudes from Belgium & Holland. One totally swindled me at a club where I refused to go home with him (he had no shoes on for heaven's sake and sleeps in a caravan at a surf camp). The next day on the beach he waived to me while he was teaching surf lessons. None of the other surfer dudes had ever made effort to talk to me before so I was sure he was not waving to me! I looked behind me as to see who he was waving to and I never waved back. This dude was relentless because then he came up to talk to me even though I seemingly ignored him and refused his offer before ha ha. This time he invited me to have tea, and I thought that's pretty legit & nice. Fast forward, fell in love with all the amazing, open, funny, beautiful people at his Belgium surf camp he works at, fell in love with Oyambre beach, and my new surfer friends took me for a sunrise surf session to end it all. I caught lots of little waves and felt on top my own lil world. Every time I looked over at my new friends, my heart smiled because although I am not the greatest surfer yet, it feels really nice to share the love of surf with other people who know how you feel. I felt really appreciated by them, and that's such a nice feeling. I met so many other people... these are just the highlights.

I just wanted to be free... I just wanted to love myself a little deeper. In each of these special people, I saw my freedom and love of life reflected back to me. Thank you to the people who saw me for me, danced with me all night, surfed with me, fed me, helped me, and laughed with me. I don't always get everything I want, but I definitely come VERY VERY close on a regular basis. The life of Ernesto Manifesto. <3

Thailand: A Time For Transformation

"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment." ~Echkart Tolle

I experienced this amazing, magical kinda love this year. I mean jaw dropping, radical partnership that abruptly came to an end when my intuition was tugging at me to make a shift. My partner, for whatever reason, said some things that led me to believe he wasn't on board & that I had lost him. I was devastated. I was about to leave for my first worldy trip with him in weeks and now all our plans were upside down. I was sure I would marry this man on the beach one day & he would adopt my daughter... and we'd grow spiritually together while traveling the world & helping people. PERFECT! But, no. We are human and fell short on the communication spectrum when the shit hit the fan. I cried heavily for 2 days almost straight. My daughter kept hugging me & telling me "it's gonna be ok mommy, just breath. Im here for you." Those sweet words. Some may judge me & think a child shouldn't be mothering the mother... but I know better. This child is one of my many guru's. She is here to teach me love and strength. I pulled myself up by my boot straps and got ready to embark on my journey to Thailand, ALONE.

I was terrified and the first two days I barely wanted to leave my building except to meet a friend who could feed me and take me out. So many things ran through my mind and I was afraid I was just gonna puss out on everything now that my late boyfriend wasn't here to be my crutch. 

Alone in my apartment in Bangkok, I suddenly realized I was obsessing on the break up. I thought to myself, "i'll show him! I can have fun without him. I can have fun adventures on my own. I don't need anyone." This tape sounds all too familiar. I've said these things to myself as a little girl when I felt alone, afraid, & abandoned... i felt unimportant. I protect myself by throwing my middle finger up & finding freedom in being alone. 

I have been going through ups and downs while in this beautiful country, and while experiencing many firsts for myself. But, I have to admit... I'm not having as much fun as I wanted to. I thought if I can just meet a cute European or Thai guy, i'll feel better. If I can just climb a fuckin mountain wall... i'll show the bf I am strong without him... if I just ran fast enough, work hard enough, loose more weight, down more shots, dance crazier, be crazier... I'll feel better. But, night after night I grieve. I realized after a 30 min skype convo with my best friend, that I can let down my guard and be vulnerable. Im right where I need to be. 

So fine! I am done trying to mask, cover up, be ok, achieve, feel ashamed, feel guilty, etc. I am heart broken right now. I wanna scream sometimes, I have cried on the bathroom floor twice, I have burnt prayers, burnt sage, and tried to do things at my anger. The love of my life has chosen a different path at this time and spending time with other women. I don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt or that I wasn't "too attached" because I was. I am. I still love him. And, like the blog my friend sent me today... I, also, am a woman who grew up experience trauma and chaos and major disappointment. This is not the first heart break. The first heart break came from my family. This is only a reflection of what I need to face and overcome one baby step at a time. Feelings of abandonment, rejection, and fear have been triggered and I am so scared. 

Despite my fear, I keep turning inward and checking in. Last night I had a spiritual experience where I saw myself again and felt so proud of my courage... I let myself off the hook for my recent anger and cruelty to this man. I can let him off the hook a little more today than I did yesterday because I choose love. So, I am writing this to welcome in the pain... I will be brave and know the Universe has my back. I learned today that nothing is mine to keep. Not the love of my life, not my anger, not my magical moments... its all passing by. Mission is to keep staying present with what ever is. And tonight, I am incredibly saddened. 

I vow to wake up tomorrow and do it for me! I vow to climb that damn limestone rock wall for the little girl deep inside me screaming to be free! I vow to travel the rest of my trip with my head high & my heart being held by my own hands. I vow to be present for others and let them be present for me. I don't have to do or be anything ... I am grateful for this experience of not being able to run from myself and to be brave not only in my spiritual life, but in another freakin country. I can do this. 

There was a saying my yoga teacher said in a workshop something like this... "Offer your pain into the blazing fire of your heart, for the fire is not going to burn you but rather purify you"