As usual when I am inspired to write, I do not plan what I will put down. I do have to say that I have a burning desire in my heart right now to express... to share what I'm experiencing.

My recent boyfriend bailed on Izzy and I a month ago or so, and surprisingly despite the sadness, I have been waking up everyday with this incredible energy and motivation. I remember this from before when I was pregnant with Izzy, starting school, diving into a yoga practice, determined to heal. My heart and ass were almost literally on fire. I have that same fire right now blazing in my heart. As I write this my chest is full of this incredible excitement and warmth. I am just so burning with excitement for my life... to be a part of YOUR life (whom ever that may be) and to just jump head first into everything that delights my spirit: rock climbing!! snowboarding!! dancing!! scholarships!! money!! being in nature!! being present for my daughter!! adventures!! graduating Cal & grad school!! moving closer to the beach!! being more loving & loud about it!! I mean list goes on & on. I want to inspire others so badly!

So, anyways, I've been meditating everyday, diving deeper into my yoga practice which I believe is somatic therapy for deep issues, and allowing myself to feel the depth of my feelings. I am dedicated to self-love, getting through blockages, and believing in my path even if people walk out of my life because it's not the path for them aka boyfriend. As a result, some weird stuff is going down ya'll!!!!! I had a kundalini experience yesterday and I am about to share it with you.

Goes like this... I had rough day prior to this amazing day dealing with welfare systems, legal systems, and just highly stressful things to make ends meet. I cried a lot but I got through it all and had 5 hours of physical activity between it all. Did I become super woman? I dunno how I did it. The next day I woke up at 4am to meditate (dedicated I TELL YOU ha ha) and do last minute homework. The rest of the day seemed to flow easily and effortlessly in comparison to the day before. I felt easeful... easy to talk to strangers which I usually avoid. I found myself shaking peoples hands, being super present, enjoying my daughter more. Wow... I was flowin with the Universe. I saw friends and usually at first I think judgmental thoughts of what i think they are thinking of me, but this time I just reached out to hug them both with confidence, stayed humble, and went about printing a poem. Why printing a poem?? Best part! Because my 1pm 500 person meditation class held by Professor Azevedo was going to change it up and let who ever wants to present a writing, an expression from the heart. I printed my self-forgiveness poem instead of my whore poem intuitively. My heart was pumping. I was so excited for this for some reason to be heard. I sat right in the front... signed one of the random sign up sheets going around for people who want to read. Then I sat back and made effort to be patient and pay attention for each presenter.

The first girl, a total hippy amazingly dont give a fuck kinda girl got up first and had us make the ugliest face we could... awkward but I tried and giggled. We all stood and moved our bodies in a spontaneously way & then she began her poem off top of her head. She was like free speaking. It was so profound and poetic and from the depths of her spirit. I had to swallow the intense knott in my throat. Suddenly, that warm excited sensation that I have been feeling in my heart spread through my entire core, into the bottom of my pelvic floor and up through the top of my head. HOLY MONKEY BALLS am I high? I thought to myself. Something inside me told me this was a gift and to relax and bask in the sensation. So I stayed present with my breath as a few more people went up... each one touching every bone in my body. I mean I felt their insight and inspiration in the depths of my bones so much that I began to get goosebumps up my legs and tingly in the back of my  head. One dorky white boy kid got up and surprised us all. He started free flowin. OMG this boy was a genius. Every line was so creative with so much depth of who he is and radical self-acceptance like explaining how he's different than the rest of the world maybe speakin alien compared to everyone else and how he's been to jail for fighting for what's right etc.... and the intensity that he performed it in was just mind blowing, and brave and radical and scary and brilliant all at the same time. I was just floored. I could barely handle the excitement. I just laughed and holla'd at him as everyone clapped and whistled. AMAZING. Then I was wanting to share mine so bad. And just as I was beginning to know they would randomly pick me next out of all the names, I began to imagine them saying my name in my head and before I could finish, they called ROBIN RIVERA. My friends cheered my name and I began to reveal my heart to this class room of 500 people not knowing I would struggle to read it with a frog in my throat because it was that real & that raw for me. I needed to be heard. I knew someone else in that room needed to hear it. And sure enough after... an young Indian girl came up to me to hug me and thank me and tell me how much it touched her. Wow. I was full blown lit up in all my chakras. Is this what can happen to the human body/spirit just by getting a group together in a sacred space where we try to meditate & then allow each other to creatively express ourselves??? If so, this is the fucking job I wanna do for the rest of my life!!!!! This is where the magic is at. AND, coincidentally my other full blown kundalini awakening happened in the same freaking kinda group setting 4 years ago in a Anusara Yoga immersion 108hr workshop. We did a creative expression night. I pussed out & didn't dance my dance because I was ashamed of how sexy I dance.. I thought I would be judged & then I sat there as I watched a belly dancer delight the room more than any other participant WITH MY FUCKING DANCE MOVES! It was beautiful & I missed my chance to express. But this shows me how much I've grown to come full circle. I did not miss my chance yesterday & I stood their completely unashamed of who I am. 

I want to tell you about the growth I experience later last night when my heart broke over this recent boyfriend and grieving letting him go... but this is getting to long. I'll just say that as my heart was breaking one of my best friends called: Miguel. The angel sent to guide me through that pain on such a very magical day for me. I know this friend SEES me. I mean really SEES me. And, he told me I must be like some extremely evolved human that gets to feel the full spectrum of what humans can potentially feel and experience. He's right. I'm experiencing it alright. May I learn to protect myself... May I never be afraid to love so deeply... may I love harder and longer and deeper... May I not cling to that love for their is abundance... May I never be ashamed of the blessings that I hold... May I share and share and share... and share.

Special thank you also to my dearest girl friend Ashley who pours her heart and beliefs into me, who reminds me who I am every step of the way, who walks with  me week after week, year after year. Thank you for your devotion. I love you.

Thailand: A Time For Transformation

"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment." ~Echkart Tolle

I experienced this amazing, magical kinda love this year. I mean jaw dropping, radical partnership that abruptly came to an end when my intuition was tugging at me to make a shift. My partner, for whatever reason, said some things that led me to believe he wasn't on board & that I had lost him. I was devastated. I was about to leave for my first worldy trip with him in weeks and now all our plans were upside down. I was sure I would marry this man on the beach one day & he would adopt my daughter... and we'd grow spiritually together while traveling the world & helping people. PERFECT! But, no. We are human and fell short on the communication spectrum when the shit hit the fan. I cried heavily for 2 days almost straight. My daughter kept hugging me & telling me "it's gonna be ok mommy, just breath. Im here for you." Those sweet words. Some may judge me & think a child shouldn't be mothering the mother... but I know better. This child is one of my many guru's. She is here to teach me love and strength. I pulled myself up by my boot straps and got ready to embark on my journey to Thailand, ALONE.

I was terrified and the first two days I barely wanted to leave my building except to meet a friend who could feed me and take me out. So many things ran through my mind and I was afraid I was just gonna puss out on everything now that my late boyfriend wasn't here to be my crutch. 

Alone in my apartment in Bangkok, I suddenly realized I was obsessing on the break up. I thought to myself, "i'll show him! I can have fun without him. I can have fun adventures on my own. I don't need anyone." This tape sounds all too familiar. I've said these things to myself as a little girl when I felt alone, afraid, & abandoned... i felt unimportant. I protect myself by throwing my middle finger up & finding freedom in being alone. 

I have been going through ups and downs while in this beautiful country, and while experiencing many firsts for myself. But, I have to admit... I'm not having as much fun as I wanted to. I thought if I can just meet a cute European or Thai guy, i'll feel better. If I can just climb a fuckin mountain wall... i'll show the bf I am strong without him... if I just ran fast enough, work hard enough, loose more weight, down more shots, dance crazier, be crazier... I'll feel better. But, night after night I grieve. I realized after a 30 min skype convo with my best friend, that I can let down my guard and be vulnerable. Im right where I need to be. 

So fine! I am done trying to mask, cover up, be ok, achieve, feel ashamed, feel guilty, etc. I am heart broken right now. I wanna scream sometimes, I have cried on the bathroom floor twice, I have burnt prayers, burnt sage, and tried to do things at my anger. The love of my life has chosen a different path at this time and spending time with other women. I don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt or that I wasn't "too attached" because I was. I am. I still love him. And, like the blog my friend sent me today... I, also, am a woman who grew up experience trauma and chaos and major disappointment. This is not the first heart break. The first heart break came from my family. This is only a reflection of what I need to face and overcome one baby step at a time. Feelings of abandonment, rejection, and fear have been triggered and I am so scared. 

Despite my fear, I keep turning inward and checking in. Last night I had a spiritual experience where I saw myself again and felt so proud of my courage... I let myself off the hook for my recent anger and cruelty to this man. I can let him off the hook a little more today than I did yesterday because I choose love. So, I am writing this to welcome in the pain... I will be brave and know the Universe has my back. I learned today that nothing is mine to keep. Not the love of my life, not my anger, not my magical moments... its all passing by. Mission is to keep staying present with what ever is. And tonight, I am incredibly saddened. 

I vow to wake up tomorrow and do it for me! I vow to climb that damn limestone rock wall for the little girl deep inside me screaming to be free! I vow to travel the rest of my trip with my head high & my heart being held by my own hands. I vow to be present for others and let them be present for me. I don't have to do or be anything ... I am grateful for this experience of not being able to run from myself and to be brave not only in my spiritual life, but in another freakin country. I can do this. 

There was a saying my yoga teacher said in a workshop something like this... "Offer your pain into the blazing fire of your heart, for the fire is not going to burn you but rather purify you"