Trikonasana

I wish I were an everyday writer. I have been writing all my life, but the magic of story telling only comes to me during a pivotal point in my life or revelations. There’s something magical about the fire that burns in the bottom of my heart when I decide to write about what I feel. Maybe it’s a gift. Maybe my sensitivity and openness is a curse. Maybe it will save someone’s quality of life. Maybe it’s saving my own.

I received a hateful message this morning on Facebook from a younger cousin who has anger and alcohol problems. I should be used to the whole slut shaming and virgin/whore dichotomy by now… but for whatever reason it stung like 10,000 be stings into my intestines this morning upon awakening. My body began to tremble and my heart race with fear. I was triggered. That life threatening, survival instinct had kicked in. He talked about the well being of my child. My child, the only reason I have life at all right now. The very thing that pulled me from the gates of hell, and gave me the inspiration to fight mental illness, addiction, failure, and trauma, was my child. Is my child, I should say. I still fight these things, but I am WINNING.

Later this morning, I bowed into myself on my yoga mat in a class of thirty people or more. I have not been practicing much lately because I have been running from my fear so fast I haven’t been sleeping well or breathing well. So to finally get on my mat and be fully willing to surrender my things to do list, my anxiety about money, my fears of failure and inadequacies, was a relief.  I dropped into my breath over and over trying to let go of fearful or anxious thoughts… and then it happened. As I closed my eyes and gracefully leaned in & opened up into trikonasana (triangle pose) my heart metaphorically ripped right open to the ceiling. Tears trickled down the side of my face and onto the floor. There I was, shinning brightly, beautifully, radiantly , and I knew it! This is who I am. I am never the things I fear or what people have told me. When you are graced with that glimpse of who you are, the moment that can barely be described with words, the only option in to weep at the revelation of your own power and beauty. I’ve been running from my beauty and running from my power because it’s frightening. Frightening to think, I might just experience even greater love, even greater success. I might just fuckin pull it off again this whole “after college thing.” The fear that I will be abandoned by everyone I love if I truly fill my life with what I love and desire. The fear that if I don’t have another degree or save some children in Africa, that I’ll disappoint everyone who has cheered me on.

I am so scared, but as I stepped back like an acrobatic dancer into down dog & whipped myself back upside down into wild thing… I almost yelled out loud as I said in my head with my eyes closes, “THIS IS MY BODY. THIS IS MYYYYYYY BODY. THIS IS MINE!!!!! THIS IS MY LIFE. THIS IS MY HEART! THIS IS MINEEEEEEEE!!!!!” But, I just whispered it to myself. This is the yoga. It never fails. Somatic therapy. Connection to something greater. Tapping into power.

I have so much more to say on what was said in that message & my experience of female objectification and parenting, but I am really excited about organizing my room right now and shaking my ass to some dub step. … until next time.

Girl In the Mirror

Wow! Here I go with this feeling I get when I have to write. It's like this higher part of me receives a revalation, and I have to let it flow creatively to be fully expressed and experienced...

I have gone through some pretty gnarly transitions and events this last few months, but this is what I am good at. I am on this personal path to uncover all my dark parts, to shed light, and be rid of the painful things that have held me back from being FREE. Free in my spirit, free to love & be loved, free from fear, free from internal anguish and self-destruction. When you are on that path, man the shit sure likes to hit the fan for all to see. The reason for this is #1 to humble you by forcing you to bask in your truth, all of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. #2 it is an opportunity to learn who you are & accept yourself with radical acceptance & radical love regardless of what your best friend says about these events, regardless of the stories that have been played on repeat in your head about who you are & what you do & the reasons for it, regardless of what men or women come in and out of your life. When it comes down to it... YOU are the one who decides what meaning to give to your life, your spirit, and your character. YOU are the one who is responsible for your peace and contentment. YOU are the one who can rid all the terrible things that have happened and to transform them into works of art for the world to enjoy.

Before I receive clear perspective after the all hell seems to break loose, I tend to go into sort of a fog because all my beliefs and old patterns get stirred up. They get stirred up so that radical transformation can emerge and new beliefs can settle in. But man, can it be dark and lonely in the process. I made myself hang on tight and everyday this last month or two I have sat on my meditation pillow bowwing to my own heart, knowing that I can take refuge in thy self. I made this little place inside me my home. The love of my life seemed to turn his back on me as I was going through this transformation, my best friend has lectured me and I feel cut off from her, my family came to my rescue but bringing all their dysfunction along with their love, and mean while I have been trying to pull myself together to prepare to leave the country for the first time 12 years to a country I know little about. It's a lot. But, like I said, this is what I am made for. This is what I asked for. I beg God to keep healing me, I so deeply want to be free from the internal torment I have experience my entire life... the self-destructive habits that can lead me to think death is an option. I mean that is some sure soul torment when you have everyting to live for, but the pain inside is too hard to bear & it feels there is no way out at the time. My heart goes out to anyone who knows that type of utter gutwrenching pain.

Now that the fog is subsiding, I've had glimpses. These are the little gifts I receive from the Universe and seem to be part of the unveiling process. Recently, I have been an energetic magnet. I have been getting FB messages or comments from people that I didn't even know think of me and with their sweet appreciative words my soul opens up a little more to see what I should be seeing instead of the fog. People keep telling me that I inspire them, or that they are in awe of me, my love of life (& this person knew about my recent mental break down even yet she still knows & sees my love of life!), people have been telling me how beautiful I am even though I sometimes struggle with an eating disorder or body image quirks from my modeling days that haunt me, people hug me like they really love being with me, but mostly its these random messages I get from others or see people taking my advice on books, herbal medicine, self-love stuff, and working out... it makes me feel so good like I have a positive impact on people without even trying, just by taking care of myself, being brutally honest, and riding the waves. I feel overwhelmed with appreciation for the kind words that people have given me randomly. THANK YOU. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone & that you all see me... even when I have a hard time seeing myself. Thank you so much and I am inspired to keep telling others when they touch me with their beauty or strength.

This is not all for nothing. This IS FOR SOMETHING! The biggest lesson I am learning is the depths of self love.

Passing the Test

       I believe when you're on the path, the path tests you in order move onto the next level of existence. There's things I wanted to hold onto. Things that elusively persuaded me that I needed. Things that could rip everything I worked so hard for right from under me. Things that no longer mask the pain that my ego tries to avoid. I've been tested. I had to make a choice at the fork in the road as to which life I choose. I can't meander between this life n that... I'm either in or I'm out.

      The lessons I've learned this past month... old survival skills that may have served me in the past to shield myself from danger or the police, will no longer serve me as a yogi, student in the bureaucratic academic world, nor in my relationship with myself. I learned that I can no longer hang onto the notion that I can drink like normal people for the sake of entertainment, nor like the heavy drinkers who can wake up and go about their lives like somewhat happy lil people. I surrender to the fact that God has called me to a higher purpose that requires all my BALLS, all my love, all my willingness, all my strength. There's no running. I confess that I have to let go of the adult industry EVER being an option even if I dropped out of school, even if the money runs out, even if I feel rejected & misunderstood at times by "normal" people (the one's who aren't so wild, the one's who were sheltered, the one's who normal jobs lol). I have other options... I dunno what they are, but someone I trust told me I do and I am willing to discover the freedom in that. I have learned that above all else, I am the one believe in myself through hard times and to follow what fulfills me. I learned to ask for help, YUCK! I learned that guilt is an illusion... the core of who we are never changes and we are all doing the very best we can.

        I've had some alone time yesterday. I went to see an herbal clinic to assist me on this path to healing and to help keep my perspective strong and clear. I felt really supported. Supported by the Universe and support by myself and supported by my loved ones. I did everything my body was telling me to do yesterday: eat a nice spicy lunch, go for a bike ride, study flash cards, take a nap, take a bath, watch a movie, read your May Cause Miracles book etc. By the end of the evening, the veil over my perception has lifted completely. As I walked into my bedroom, I took a few minutes to look deeply into my pictures of my daughter & I, my many awards on the wall (too many to even put up), I saw a picture of my pregnant belly, and one of my AA degree graduation where I wore 3 sashes & two medals. I saw my daughter kissing me sweetly on the cheek in two pictures; she loves me, she really loves me. And, I love her... I felt this incredible love for myself because I fucking did it! I am not the statistic everyone once thought I would be. It's been almost 5 yrs I think since I changed my life... it's not over yet. I not only haven't ruined anything by my bumps in the road, but I have actually grown by leaps and bounds and I gave this child a home and a love that so many children don't have. That is the truth. The truth is not that I am a fuck up, or that I am broken from trauma, or that I am incapable of being loved. I am a resilient human being who strives with all her heart to do good in this life. Wow, I think the herbs were helping first day! I don't write these things from my ego... I write them genuinely from my heart because I have been tested and my vision fogged. I lost sight of my purpose for a minute and the pain in my heart came charging forward.

Today, I embrace this pain as the pathway to the next level of my healing and existence. May all beings be acknowledged for their suffering and may we transcend it into unlimited possibility.

         ...

There's a dulling pain deep inside
where all the  treasures reside

Will it decide to go away?
Or is this the price I will pay?

Some people can't understand
others race to take my hand

Self-love is the answer
to ward off this cancer

I open my heart to embrace it
 in steady silence I sit

Will it test me tomorrow?
 Is love transforming this sorrow?

Some people can't understand
others race to take my hand

The truth is revealing
my power I'll be stealing

I'm not the only one
there's work to be done