Discovering My Treasure

There's this familiar feeling that I have experienced throughout my life... some call it "in the flow," AA people call it "walking in the sunlight of the spirit," and others may say being at one with God. I know that feeling well, and there is no place i'd rather be than basking in that experience. This happened to me yesterday, so I tried to be aware of how I knew it was happening. I feel a sense of ease and comfort. I become bubbly with strangers as I feel a heightened appreciation for who they are and how they are so sweetly interacting with me making me smile. I feel more brave and confident. I notice the sunset feels like my breath and the breeze in the trees swirls in sync.

Quickly, I texted my dad and best friend Ashley "It's happening. I am in the flow again. This is what God wants me to do!" Ashley responded, "what does God want you to do?"

See, yesterday I just showed up fully for my life with no stress, no expectation. I meditated & prayed heavily that God would use me as an instrument of his peace. Lifeteen.com, the worlds leading Catholic youth ministry who serves hundreds of thousands of teens world wide through their curriculums, had just arrived to interview me for my story. I had not spoken publicly too much about the porn industry, but now was the time to do something big. They would use this video to show teens the girl behind the camera. Porn is a current public health crisis which we could chat for hours about, but for me this was about healing & serving.

They followed me to my Dr.'s appointment as I have a rare liver disease brought on from pregnancy that puts my baby at great risk. We chatted and laughed openly... I felt my contagious bubbly personality pour over into their hearts.

As I arrived at my drive way alone, something hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been in so much pain this last year... desperately seeking an answer or relief or to learn some big lesson. In this moment in my car, something said in my head, "Everything that has happened this year, in this pregnancy, in this relationship with Phillip, DOES NOT MEAN SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. This is just the experience that young lady Robin has had this year due to her certain life experiences and to extrenuous circumstances. This does not mean you're wrong or broken. And although it may make it challenging for the people close in your life, YOU ARE WORTH THE CHALLENGE. YOU ARE WORTH EVERY SECOND." Tears fell profusely down my face, I leaned my head back with my eyes closed realizing my worth for the first time.... and I had a vision.

... God, some being, held my head back in his hands and kissed my forehead as if he were revealing a gift to his daughter. Letting me know its ok... that he knows i've been suffering & in this moment I was ready for the truth. I had passed some test or reached some level that made me ready for to discover my personal treasure. I suddenly felt a knowing of myself beyond anything I've ever known and so drastically opposite of how I had been viewing who I am my whole life. I believed I was a burden... unloveable, too complicated.

Now, I know, no matter what comes up, I am worth the challenge because God made me that way. I anticipate that the challenges will become less and less for years to come. And, some day, to someone, I will be worth the effort to love me & show up for me. Maybe it's Phillip, maybe it's not, but I know now I am ok.

Ready to Fly

To Phillip,

Thank you for being being you… this poem is said in a whisper. 

Ready to Fly ~

At a time in my life when I was just about to fly, he came, he really came.

My feet were still touching the ground, I’m scared, so scared.

The fear to let go of everything I held close,  so strong

I need help, I need help.

At a time in my life when I was being called to go higher, he came he really came.

My heart had been ripped back open, I’m scared, so scared.

The fear said I’d never make it out there without the demons, it lied deep lies.

 I need help, I need help.

At a time in my life when I couldn’t house or clothe my child, he came, he really came.

My soul burned everyday telling me to scream my story, I’m scared, so scared.

He held my hand, my heart, my child, my fear, so I’m brave, I can be brave.

It’s ok to need help… I need help! Someone help!

At a time in my life when I was ready to let go, he came, he really came.

My spirit he penetrated teaching me to believe, I’m loved, so loved.

He told me he’s here now, I let my feet lift off the ground, I’m flying, I’m flying. I’m finally flying!

I needed help, he came, he really came.

Trikonasana

I wish I were an everyday writer. I have been writing all my life, but the magic of story telling only comes to me during a pivotal point in my life or revelations. There’s something magical about the fire that burns in the bottom of my heart when I decide to write about what I feel. Maybe it’s a gift. Maybe my sensitivity and openness is a curse. Maybe it will save someone’s quality of life. Maybe it’s saving my own.

I received a hateful message this morning on Facebook from a younger cousin who has anger and alcohol problems. I should be used to the whole slut shaming and virgin/whore dichotomy by now… but for whatever reason it stung like 10,000 be stings into my intestines this morning upon awakening. My body began to tremble and my heart race with fear. I was triggered. That life threatening, survival instinct had kicked in. He talked about the well being of my child. My child, the only reason I have life at all right now. The very thing that pulled me from the gates of hell, and gave me the inspiration to fight mental illness, addiction, failure, and trauma, was my child. Is my child, I should say. I still fight these things, but I am WINNING.

Later this morning, I bowed into myself on my yoga mat in a class of thirty people or more. I have not been practicing much lately because I have been running from my fear so fast I haven’t been sleeping well or breathing well. So to finally get on my mat and be fully willing to surrender my things to do list, my anxiety about money, my fears of failure and inadequacies, was a relief.  I dropped into my breath over and over trying to let go of fearful or anxious thoughts… and then it happened. As I closed my eyes and gracefully leaned in & opened up into trikonasana (triangle pose) my heart metaphorically ripped right open to the ceiling. Tears trickled down the side of my face and onto the floor. There I was, shinning brightly, beautifully, radiantly , and I knew it! This is who I am. I am never the things I fear or what people have told me. When you are graced with that glimpse of who you are, the moment that can barely be described with words, the only option in to weep at the revelation of your own power and beauty. I’ve been running from my beauty and running from my power because it’s frightening. Frightening to think, I might just experience even greater love, even greater success. I might just fuckin pull it off again this whole “after college thing.” The fear that I will be abandoned by everyone I love if I truly fill my life with what I love and desire. The fear that if I don’t have another degree or save some children in Africa, that I’ll disappoint everyone who has cheered me on.

I am so scared, but as I stepped back like an acrobatic dancer into down dog & whipped myself back upside down into wild thing… I almost yelled out loud as I said in my head with my eyes closes, “THIS IS MY BODY. THIS IS MYYYYYYY BODY. THIS IS MINE!!!!! THIS IS MY LIFE. THIS IS MY HEART! THIS IS MINEEEEEEEE!!!!!” But, I just whispered it to myself. This is the yoga. It never fails. Somatic therapy. Connection to something greater. Tapping into power.

I have so much more to say on what was said in that message & my experience of female objectification and parenting, but I am really excited about organizing my room right now and shaking my ass to some dub step. … until next time.

Passing the Test

       I believe when you're on the path, the path tests you in order move onto the next level of existence. There's things I wanted to hold onto. Things that elusively persuaded me that I needed. Things that could rip everything I worked so hard for right from under me. Things that no longer mask the pain that my ego tries to avoid. I've been tested. I had to make a choice at the fork in the road as to which life I choose. I can't meander between this life n that... I'm either in or I'm out.

      The lessons I've learned this past month... old survival skills that may have served me in the past to shield myself from danger or the police, will no longer serve me as a yogi, student in the bureaucratic academic world, nor in my relationship with myself. I learned that I can no longer hang onto the notion that I can drink like normal people for the sake of entertainment, nor like the heavy drinkers who can wake up and go about their lives like somewhat happy lil people. I surrender to the fact that God has called me to a higher purpose that requires all my BALLS, all my love, all my willingness, all my strength. There's no running. I confess that I have to let go of the adult industry EVER being an option even if I dropped out of school, even if the money runs out, even if I feel rejected & misunderstood at times by "normal" people (the one's who aren't so wild, the one's who were sheltered, the one's who normal jobs lol). I have other options... I dunno what they are, but someone I trust told me I do and I am willing to discover the freedom in that. I have learned that above all else, I am the one believe in myself through hard times and to follow what fulfills me. I learned to ask for help, YUCK! I learned that guilt is an illusion... the core of who we are never changes and we are all doing the very best we can.

        I've had some alone time yesterday. I went to see an herbal clinic to assist me on this path to healing and to help keep my perspective strong and clear. I felt really supported. Supported by the Universe and support by myself and supported by my loved ones. I did everything my body was telling me to do yesterday: eat a nice spicy lunch, go for a bike ride, study flash cards, take a nap, take a bath, watch a movie, read your May Cause Miracles book etc. By the end of the evening, the veil over my perception has lifted completely. As I walked into my bedroom, I took a few minutes to look deeply into my pictures of my daughter & I, my many awards on the wall (too many to even put up), I saw a picture of my pregnant belly, and one of my AA degree graduation where I wore 3 sashes & two medals. I saw my daughter kissing me sweetly on the cheek in two pictures; she loves me, she really loves me. And, I love her... I felt this incredible love for myself because I fucking did it! I am not the statistic everyone once thought I would be. It's been almost 5 yrs I think since I changed my life... it's not over yet. I not only haven't ruined anything by my bumps in the road, but I have actually grown by leaps and bounds and I gave this child a home and a love that so many children don't have. That is the truth. The truth is not that I am a fuck up, or that I am broken from trauma, or that I am incapable of being loved. I am a resilient human being who strives with all her heart to do good in this life. Wow, I think the herbs were helping first day! I don't write these things from my ego... I write them genuinely from my heart because I have been tested and my vision fogged. I lost sight of my purpose for a minute and the pain in my heart came charging forward.

Today, I embrace this pain as the pathway to the next level of my healing and existence. May all beings be acknowledged for their suffering and may we transcend it into unlimited possibility.

         ...

There's a dulling pain deep inside
where all the  treasures reside

Will it decide to go away?
Or is this the price I will pay?

Some people can't understand
others race to take my hand

Self-love is the answer
to ward off this cancer

I open my heart to embrace it
 in steady silence I sit

Will it test me tomorrow?
 Is love transforming this sorrow?

Some people can't understand
others race to take my hand

The truth is revealing
my power I'll be stealing

I'm not the only one
there's work to be done