Girl In the Mirror

Wow! Here I go with this feeling I get when I have to write. It's like this higher part of me receives a revalation, and I have to let it flow creatively to be fully expressed and experienced...

I have gone through some pretty gnarly transitions and events this last few months, but this is what I am good at. I am on this personal path to uncover all my dark parts, to shed light, and be rid of the painful things that have held me back from being FREE. Free in my spirit, free to love & be loved, free from fear, free from internal anguish and self-destruction. When you are on that path, man the shit sure likes to hit the fan for all to see. The reason for this is #1 to humble you by forcing you to bask in your truth, all of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. #2 it is an opportunity to learn who you are & accept yourself with radical acceptance & radical love regardless of what your best friend says about these events, regardless of the stories that have been played on repeat in your head about who you are & what you do & the reasons for it, regardless of what men or women come in and out of your life. When it comes down to it... YOU are the one who decides what meaning to give to your life, your spirit, and your character. YOU are the one who is responsible for your peace and contentment. YOU are the one who can rid all the terrible things that have happened and to transform them into works of art for the world to enjoy.

Before I receive clear perspective after the all hell seems to break loose, I tend to go into sort of a fog because all my beliefs and old patterns get stirred up. They get stirred up so that radical transformation can emerge and new beliefs can settle in. But man, can it be dark and lonely in the process. I made myself hang on tight and everyday this last month or two I have sat on my meditation pillow bowwing to my own heart, knowing that I can take refuge in thy self. I made this little place inside me my home. The love of my life seemed to turn his back on me as I was going through this transformation, my best friend has lectured me and I feel cut off from her, my family came to my rescue but bringing all their dysfunction along with their love, and mean while I have been trying to pull myself together to prepare to leave the country for the first time 12 years to a country I know little about. It's a lot. But, like I said, this is what I am made for. This is what I asked for. I beg God to keep healing me, I so deeply want to be free from the internal torment I have experience my entire life... the self-destructive habits that can lead me to think death is an option. I mean that is some sure soul torment when you have everyting to live for, but the pain inside is too hard to bear & it feels there is no way out at the time. My heart goes out to anyone who knows that type of utter gutwrenching pain.

Now that the fog is subsiding, I've had glimpses. These are the little gifts I receive from the Universe and seem to be part of the unveiling process. Recently, I have been an energetic magnet. I have been getting FB messages or comments from people that I didn't even know think of me and with their sweet appreciative words my soul opens up a little more to see what I should be seeing instead of the fog. People keep telling me that I inspire them, or that they are in awe of me, my love of life (& this person knew about my recent mental break down even yet she still knows & sees my love of life!), people have been telling me how beautiful I am even though I sometimes struggle with an eating disorder or body image quirks from my modeling days that haunt me, people hug me like they really love being with me, but mostly its these random messages I get from others or see people taking my advice on books, herbal medicine, self-love stuff, and working out... it makes me feel so good like I have a positive impact on people without even trying, just by taking care of myself, being brutally honest, and riding the waves. I feel overwhelmed with appreciation for the kind words that people have given me randomly. THANK YOU. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone & that you all see me... even when I have a hard time seeing myself. Thank you so much and I am inspired to keep telling others when they touch me with their beauty or strength.

This is not all for nothing. This IS FOR SOMETHING! The biggest lesson I am learning is the depths of self love.

What would you do if your dreams actually started to come true? What would you do if you finally got what you wanted & even more was in arms reach? What would you do if your whole life had been lived on the edge between life and death, yet now miracles are manifesting weekly? 

I have been going through a hard time since I graduated community college. I have been overcome with a sense of guilt, feeling like an impostor, feeling scared & unsure of my next adventures, having extra time & money that I haven't had in four years, and wanting to go running back to my version of "safety." My experience has been that no one understands why I would ever want to go back to stripping or that life, but the more I learn about the adult industry the more I realize what a sticky web of dysfunctional payoffs it provides for men and women like me. I am terrified of the wonderful woman I have become because it is uncomfortable... & unfamiliar. I learn everyday how to be a functioning member of society, a daughter who doesn't throw things & cuss, a mother who is nurturing & patient, a sister who shows up... etc. I am way more comfortable dancing naked on a stage, being able to express myself artistically than I am winning highest academic awards & having people depend on me to follow through with the "good" life. OMG. So much pressure. My skin was crawling when I was faced with free time for once. So, I made what author Paulo Coelho calls "a series of stupid mistakes." I won't go into detail of what they were because I don't know who will read this. My friends and family tried to stop me, but something deep inside was aching for safety & security the way I know how to get it instantly. I just wanted to run away. I felt so undeserving of the 21 awards I have won, the public recognition in LPC's Presidents commencement speech where he mentioned my story, the news paper article, the medals, the volunteering at MISSSEY... I was having an identity crisis. Who is this person I have become? How did I take it all in. I want to cry just typing this and my hands are shaking with emotion. This blog helps me process as I am here alone with my daughter usually just trying to be a good healthy mama. 

Lucky for me, God doesn't let me stray too far EVER. I don't get away with shit! There is a plan and I know with all my heart that there is nothing can I do to avoid it ever since I was a little girl. I know I am meant to love & help people & somewhere dancing is involved in that. Not naked dancing probably, but some kind of dancing. How do I know this? Because my heart lights up on fire when I do any of those three things. I feel it in my bones, my heart pounds, sometimes I have trembled with excitement. So, after reading The Alchemist, I have re-discovered my mission & have been reminded how fucking hard I have worked diligently to achieve one goal which turned into more. All I wanted 4 years ago was for no one to take my sweet unborn baby from me! I had just checked myself into the nut house for suicidle thoughts one week before I discovered I was pregnant. Everyone in their right mind would assume i shouldn't be a mother at that point in my life. But NOOOO. I knew better. I knew I could do it... I found this incredible, never ending motivation inside me that is still there, just got muddle with fear & lies. I was not gonna let anyone take that sweet child from me. Not her father, not my parents, not the hospital, no one. I was going to give this little girl the love & safety I yearned for my whole life. I was going to heal myself through loving her. I was going to get a real job & give her a good life & a good home & all the love she could ever want. Reading that book I just mentioned revealed to me something I so desperately needed. I FUCKING DID IT PEOPLE!  I transformed; I not only achieved my goal of keeping my daughter, I rocked the shit out of college & my communities. I have miracles manifesting weekly. This is not because God wants to be charitable. Its because I acted on the power of LOVE. I loved that baby so much that it gave me the power to do all this stuff. It gave me to willingness to beg God everyday to change me, transform me into the woman I was meant to be. I haven't given up when my heart was broken, nor when my body was broken. I even went to class with a cathedar in my vagina & taped to my leg because I was not going to miss out on anything that would help me get an A in that class & win money. Everything is happening because I have wanted it to deep inside & the farther I get on my journey, the more things I realize I want... but it scared me this summer. 

I struggle with eating disorders, wanting to go back to stripping, self-esteem, wanting to self medicate at times, and anxiety. So fucking what! At least I know what my issues are. I am strong. I have gotten this far. I believe I can do it. Plus, I think Izzy is an angel from heaven who chose me to walk this path with. I cried the other day & she sat in my lap as I prayed. I told her that all I wanna do is be a good healthy mama and she looked up at me, touched my face and said, "OK. I can help you with that. I love you mama. I

ll never leave you." We are a team. I am real with her and only hope to show her how to be authentic and grow. 

I just got accepted into a prestigious research program where numerous new opportunities are opening up... God is unlocking all the doors to my treasure, he only asks that I believe and move forward with love. 

Thank you to the signs that becoming more clear to guide me. Thank you to my friends who believe in me & show me how to love myself, you know who you are. Time to put on the big girl panties and do the damn thing!

This picture at the top looks like a vision I had in meditation when I was pregnant. I saw my highest self. She was floating, wearing all white (pure), and illuminating with love.