Knew It Existed

      Despite lacking the tangible evidence in my home that a sweet kind of love existed, I just knew deep inside that it did. I didn't see it in my parents... not once (sorry mom, don't read this... turn back now <3). I saw an occasional awkward half hug... which, EEW, made my stomach turn every time because it seemed so unnatural for my parents to do. But, I did see love in other people. I can't put my finger on it. I felt an amazing love when I would get the opportunity to help someone when I was little... I felt the love from my Grandmother who let me play with her ancient treasures and dance gracefully like a ballerina. As life went on, I felt so cheated that this love I believed in didn't show up very often in my life. And, I became depressed. Choice after choice, I set myself up to confirm this other belief that I did not deserve to be loved for if my own family didn't love me, something must be wrong with me. Life went on.

Through a series of events, I began to awaken to my true nature & that belief in love still very much alive. I fell in love with this child of mine & oh my God was it rocking my world! I began to date for the first time and feel frustrated that these men, although nice & good looking, did not express that deep, soul touching gentle love that I knew existed. I even told my daughter's father, after we tried to get back together once, that I believe in a special kind of love & I know I deserve it now... He proceeded to tell me, "NO ONE is going to love you the way that you want to be loved, and if you find him, let me know so I can kick his ass!" I laugh at this now, sweet Henry... he just couldn't see me for who I was nor could I completely see him. I believe people can only see your true beauty and gifts if they too possess those gifts or are at a similar level of awakening in life (or by miracle). For a second, I thought something was wrong with me that my standards had gotten too high, or I had one of those over the top expectations of men that I couldn't control. But, none the less I walked away from these dating attempts and focused on loving myself. I kept seeking spirituality and doing what made me happy. I busted my ass in school and rocked the shit out of my community college. I mean it was catastrophic the impact I was blessed to make. I was kind of accepting that maybe that partnership we all seek would be sacrificed for me to serve the world whole heartedly... maybe I would be like freakin mother Teresa or something. I was ok with that.

To my great surprise, this amazing, gentle, patient, wild man came into my life... and completely confirmed for me that I was on the right track with those red flags before. He completely confirmed that someone will indeed love me the way I always wanted to be loved and that a deep, sweet spiritual love does exist. I thought I was possibly broken, unable to receive love, but this man showed me I am not... I was just not in front of the right person or spot. We laugh and play and act completely wild in public. We have had a spaghetti fight in the middle of my kitchen late at night that was part kissing part actually eating &  part throwing meatballs without abandon. We teach each other all our special gifts and explore new things and ideas. He shares his books with me so we can be on the same page spiritually and I share my pranayama & teachings with him as well. It's as if all those lessons before led me up to this point where I could openly receive love in a raw and vulnerable way and stand still... not run. I usually run. This person holds me so close, running isn't necessary nor an option. This love purifies all those things I  thought I missed out on or had ruined by someone or something. This love comforts me in way I never knew could. How can a man know every deep dark nook n cranny that most would have a heart attack knowing, yet be brave enough to walk though it & say, "I feel you. Im here for you," while placing his hand on my heart. It feels like God is blessing me and making up for all the pain I experienced most of my life... I have a vision of God or Goddess (who ever) wiping away my tears, stroking my hair saying, "Don't worry child. I didn't stop the world from hurting you for good reason, but hold on I have a plan; the best is yet to come." Thank you Universe for holding me so tightly and never letting go. Thank you for bringing this man into our life to make up for all the rough times. Thank you for giving me a gorgeous, kind partner to share this amazing journey with... I intend to share our love over and over and over again. I knew that love existed. Told ya!