What would you do if your dreams actually started to come true? What would you do if you finally got what you wanted & even more was in arms reach? What would you do if your whole life had been lived on the edge between life and death, yet now miracles are manifesting weekly? 

I have been going through a hard time since I graduated community college. I have been overcome with a sense of guilt, feeling like an impostor, feeling scared & unsure of my next adventures, having extra time & money that I haven't had in four years, and wanting to go running back to my version of "safety." My experience has been that no one understands why I would ever want to go back to stripping or that life, but the more I learn about the adult industry the more I realize what a sticky web of dysfunctional payoffs it provides for men and women like me. I am terrified of the wonderful woman I have become because it is uncomfortable... & unfamiliar. I learn everyday how to be a functioning member of society, a daughter who doesn't throw things & cuss, a mother who is nurturing & patient, a sister who shows up... etc. I am way more comfortable dancing naked on a stage, being able to express myself artistically than I am winning highest academic awards & having people depend on me to follow through with the "good" life. OMG. So much pressure. My skin was crawling when I was faced with free time for once. So, I made what author Paulo Coelho calls "a series of stupid mistakes." I won't go into detail of what they were because I don't know who will read this. My friends and family tried to stop me, but something deep inside was aching for safety & security the way I know how to get it instantly. I just wanted to run away. I felt so undeserving of the 21 awards I have won, the public recognition in LPC's Presidents commencement speech where he mentioned my story, the news paper article, the medals, the volunteering at MISSSEY... I was having an identity crisis. Who is this person I have become? How did I take it all in. I want to cry just typing this and my hands are shaking with emotion. This blog helps me process as I am here alone with my daughter usually just trying to be a good healthy mama. 

Lucky for me, God doesn't let me stray too far EVER. I don't get away with shit! There is a plan and I know with all my heart that there is nothing can I do to avoid it ever since I was a little girl. I know I am meant to love & help people & somewhere dancing is involved in that. Not naked dancing probably, but some kind of dancing. How do I know this? Because my heart lights up on fire when I do any of those three things. I feel it in my bones, my heart pounds, sometimes I have trembled with excitement. So, after reading The Alchemist, I have re-discovered my mission & have been reminded how fucking hard I have worked diligently to achieve one goal which turned into more. All I wanted 4 years ago was for no one to take my sweet unborn baby from me! I had just checked myself into the nut house for suicidle thoughts one week before I discovered I was pregnant. Everyone in their right mind would assume i shouldn't be a mother at that point in my life. But NOOOO. I knew better. I knew I could do it... I found this incredible, never ending motivation inside me that is still there, just got muddle with fear & lies. I was not gonna let anyone take that sweet child from me. Not her father, not my parents, not the hospital, no one. I was going to give this little girl the love & safety I yearned for my whole life. I was going to heal myself through loving her. I was going to get a real job & give her a good life & a good home & all the love she could ever want. Reading that book I just mentioned revealed to me something I so desperately needed. I FUCKING DID IT PEOPLE!  I transformed; I not only achieved my goal of keeping my daughter, I rocked the shit out of college & my communities. I have miracles manifesting weekly. This is not because God wants to be charitable. Its because I acted on the power of LOVE. I loved that baby so much that it gave me the power to do all this stuff. It gave me to willingness to beg God everyday to change me, transform me into the woman I was meant to be. I haven't given up when my heart was broken, nor when my body was broken. I even went to class with a cathedar in my vagina & taped to my leg because I was not going to miss out on anything that would help me get an A in that class & win money. Everything is happening because I have wanted it to deep inside & the farther I get on my journey, the more things I realize I want... but it scared me this summer. 

I struggle with eating disorders, wanting to go back to stripping, self-esteem, wanting to self medicate at times, and anxiety. So fucking what! At least I know what my issues are. I am strong. I have gotten this far. I believe I can do it. Plus, I think Izzy is an angel from heaven who chose me to walk this path with. I cried the other day & she sat in my lap as I prayed. I told her that all I wanna do is be a good healthy mama and she looked up at me, touched my face and said, "OK. I can help you with that. I love you mama. I

ll never leave you." We are a team. I am real with her and only hope to show her how to be authentic and grow. 

I just got accepted into a prestigious research program where numerous new opportunities are opening up... God is unlocking all the doors to my treasure, he only asks that I believe and move forward with love. 

Thank you to the signs that becoming more clear to guide me. Thank you to my friends who believe in me & show me how to love myself, you know who you are. Time to put on the big girl panties and do the damn thing!

This picture at the top looks like a vision I had in meditation when I was pregnant. I saw my highest self. She was floating, wearing all white (pure), and illuminating with love. 

Coming Full Circle

      I am supposed to be finishing my final paper & studying, but I am overcome with this amazing feeling of victory. I have to blog to get it out so I can focus afterwards...

     A newspaper article just came out about me in the LPC Express (school newspaper) which my mother's company happens to advertise in, LOL, coinscidentally. My dad is hounding me for a copy, my sister-in-law wants some copies, and as I was texting her I was reminded of the day almost four years ago in August, before I knew I was pregnant. My older bother had cut me off from his family. My dad put him on speaker phone, and he still doesn't know I heard what he said about me. I had just came crawling back home from LA & fresh out of the psych ward that I checked myself into for help. My brother no longer wanted me to see his daughters whom I loved & adored above anyone else on this earth and they idolized me. My dad put him on speaker phone so I could hear the harsh truth. My older brother said, " I don't want her coming around my girls anymore. She has nothing to offer them but problems." For the first time I realized that I had never once stopped to think about what kind of example I was setting for my beloved nieces. I never once thought what they would think of me or what they would do if I turned up dead one day. I broke down in my room & blocked the door so my little brother Paul couldn't get in. He spoke loudly & confidently to me through the door as I sobbed my life away. He said the magical words that have come true today. He said, "ROBIN, KC HAS EVERY RIGHT TO FEEL THE WAY HE DOES. Those are his girls he has to protect. That's his family. Use it as motivation. Go to your meetings, get help, get a real job, and those little girls will be waiting for you with open arms at the end of the road. You can do it, Robin. You are powerful. When you do good, we all do good. When you do bad, we all do bad. SO WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?" And, I wiped my tears & decided I was gonna get on track & prove to KC that I do have something to offer those girls DAMN IT! One week later, I discovered I was pregnant & my dreams were set in stone.
        It has taken me three years to feel I have achieved what I set out to prove to my family. I am not perfect and I am still working on long term sorbriety which is one day at a time. But, I have worked my ass off in every aspect of my life from facing my emotional issues head on, forgiving the people who harmed me, to volunteering, to not only graduating community college but positively affecting people's lives around me every chance I get. I have a promising future. I am not only worthy of being an auntie now, but I am a dedicated mother who will sacrifice anything to give my child the best of me & the best life has to offer. Today, I feel I have succeeded in showing my family that I can do it, that I am not a waste, that I have something to offer.

Love Robin

Another Magical Day

Today was the most magical day. Well, I have had many magical days, but today was the first since the day I gave my testimony to the Board of Governors at the state capitol. After walking away from telling people in government that I used to be on a self-destructive path & I was a stripper, etc.… I stepped into my greatness. I began to own my power that day… that was a few months ago in January. Today, however, I got a chunk of my dignity, a comfort deep within, and more fuel to the already blazing fire in my heart. Where do I begin?

Last week I almost repeated a pattern of self-destruction like all the other times I broke everyone’s hearts when I started doing good. I don’t care what any non-believers think; I am walking in God’s grace. I know there is a powerful plan unfolding before me & there is nothing I can do to stop my God from fulfilling this purpose with me. I picked myself back up from my “almost” self-destruction last week & I humbled myself. I asked for help, I got honest about all my feelings of unworthiness, and put on my big girl panties once again. I decided to put my health first, before getting ripped abs, before being a rock star in college, even before being a mother to my ever so precious Izabella. Today, like every other day this week, I prayed God would show me what to do & help me.

I had a full day. At 6:30 am this morning I had to decide what outfit I could ride the bart train in to San Francisco for my Chicana Foundation semi-finalist interview & also be able to dress up afterwards for the MISSSEY Gala that we (volunteers & MISSSEY staff) have been planning for a year. MAN! I packed heals in my purse, protein shake, and my brothers lap top so I can do my finals homework. I got to that interview with barely any nervousness. I knew all I had to do was be myself & tell the truth. My heart is pure, my actions speak volumes. I told these women what I am about & answered all their questions whole heartedly. They shook my hand with what felt like true human appreciation. I told them my past & my present with no shame, not a quiver in my voice. I am getting stronger, braver, and more graceful.

Then I got on board for my MISSSEY volunteer position. I was the first person to show up at their down town Oakland office ready to work. I sat on the dirty sidewalk & called my AA sponsor. We had a good talk, and I learned so much from that convo to keep me going for the day. I sweated & worked for this event all afternoon & night… and I left a new woman. THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT! Service, living from the heart, & connecting with others. I heard two courageous survivors of abuse, sexual exploitation, and trauma… I heard people talk about things that know one else understands about me… I cried when I heard the resieliance and power in these women’s voices. They are me, and I am them. We have a purpose, we have a mission, and we are not alone. I felt love and connection on a level I have yet to experience anywhere else. I got to be part of something ground breaking tonight. People are becoming more aware of the injustices occurring to our society’s most vulnerable populations. After eating an amazing meal at our classy Gala, us women got to dance to “We are fam-a-ly” lol… we jumped in the air & laughed & cheered. I danced sober… there was no pole to flip upside down on, no one to entertain, just girls having fun & celebrating this beautiful victory. We have survived & we get to carry a message of hope. Nola, the founder of MISSSEY, came over to me when they played Salt-N-Pepper “Push It” & she said it was her favorite stripping song! LOL that made me feel so good… now your-a-speakin my language! Her small gesture to make me not feel like the only stripper in the world recovering made me open up to a whole new experience being one among many. Tonight I was not alone & I got to be me… all of me, and it was ok. Just like it was ok at the state capitol. How could it be that all those years I believed I was worthless, doomed, never going to survive? When in reality, I am blessed with a powerful unique gift to give to this world. I hope this doesn’t sound ego-ish… I am just beginning to wake up from what has been a foggy, icky nightmare… to see just how amazing my life actually is. Thank you God, thank you for never leaving me, thank you for protecting me through all the horror, thank you for giving me 100 chances to get it right, thank you for giving me people who love me & help me, thank you for this miracle. I promise to make you proud! I promise!http://missseygala.weebly.com/

Who Has Loved You?

So, I feel like just free writing what my heart needs to express... One of my sobriety friends passed away in her sleep the other night. Her name to me was Chontelly. I had a rough going while I lived in LA & I would come crawling in to meetings with my tail between my legs & my hands shaking. Most of the time I was covered in shame and guilt for having relapsed and I needed someone to just take me in their arms and tell me it would all be ok, that I could get my life back. Chontelly was one of those main people for me at that time. Anytime... didn't matter how long I had been out... her face would light up to see me, she would shower me with love & touch & rub my back. She always included me & didn't let me feel left out. She told her story like a rock star & I looked up to her. I saw how she sponsored my friend "Roxy" at that time & I thought it was so sweet how they befriended each other. I wanted that because my lil broken spirit was so lonely. Chontelly made me feel worthy of love & friendship.
      At the end of my yoga practice today, I felt like my inner guidance, maybe "GOD," was calling me to close my eyes even though everyone was doing something else... and to just listen. So I did. I just listened as my mind chatter fluttered back n forth & I tried to zero in on my breath. And as soon as I let go of the panic, of the mind fucking... there it was. I was infused with the deep, overwhelming gratitude for the people who have loved me & who are loving me right now. I am a complicated chick with a complicated past, and a troubled heart, but I have been anointed. Something out there found me special enough to put hundreds of people in my path who have guided me & deeply deeply deeply loved me. They have picked me up literally from the ground and taught me how to love myself. They have begun to teach me who I am so that I may discover the rest on my own. These amazing men & women have unconditionally poured there love and blessings into me. For a girl who should be dead or hospitalized, this is an astounding realization.
       The death of my friend, my uncle, my grandma, and the attempted suicide of another friend this year has forced me to take a look at who has loved me. How precious is that gift? How grateful am I? And how can I take action to show my gratitude? How do I want to be remembered?
       Sometimes I am ashamed of how fast I fall in love. Sometimes I am ashamed of how open I am with people & how much I share. Sometimes I don't want people to see how sensitive I am. But this year of transformation and revelation has taught me the true meaning of the serenity prayer...."FUCK IT!" Every time I feel that shame come in, I will remember Chontell, my Uncle Jim, my Grandma, and my friend Gavin! I will fall in love with as many people & things as possible in this life time. I want to live & love with my whole being every fucking day! Like my friend Miguel says, "I don't love half way." I choose to believe its a gift the amount of love & gratitude I am capable of. Life is so short & half of it I spent suffering. Its my turn to shine & not be ashamed. I  will keep being sensitive & I will keep being open & authentic because I want to be remembered for all that I am. I want the people who have loved me to know with out a shadow of doubt that I appreciate them. Life is crazy beautiful... who has loved you?

1/5/2009

Need to scream.....

Where do I begin.....

Born a wild child, I have never experienced this much balance & calmness for this long.... I haven't freaked out, took a trip to the hospital, desperately yelled out at God, or been on any wild goose chases in a long time. I feel so good when I walk to work in Berkeley, passing all the different characters & letting myself take a full breath in hoping my baby has plenty of room & oxygen in there..... but now im thinking what tha fuck. Is this really me? Living & breathing almost like a normal person walking down the street? Oh my God. I feel like I need some action. Some stimulation. Im panicking now. Im used to being on the edge at all times..... & now im so far from the edge with this semi lost feeling. I guess this is what they call healthy adjustment. Am I still fun..... am I ever going to feel sexy again.... is it ok that I abandoned everything I used to own & know... am I ok? I dunno why Im writing this, I already know the answers. But the discomfort I feel right now leads me to think that the best answer might be to scream from the deepest part of my stomach in the middle of the street. and then go on continuing what Im doing.

jan 17, 2009

In this Body

I  came across this organization who had a booth next to ours at the Yoga Journal Conference, that helps teen girls in the juvenille system find self respect and happiness through the art of yoga. My heart started pounding and I knew this is something I can do! I always knew I am meant to help people ever since I was a little girl. The way it made me feel like a ball of fire was in my stomach meant this is what Im good at. Not to mention all the pain & torment I've been through needs to be put to some good use and it needs to be NOW not later.
So I left the conference thinking to myself, "what would I say to a teenage girl, locked up & broken?" I began to think of all the things I did & felt myself and this long journey I been on to heal. ANd it has been long.... up & down & all around but always ending up stronger & wiser at the end of each lesson. Then I had this overwhelming realization.....
Holy shit. This body I live in is awesome. This body that yoga and self care has helped me appreciate. This body that I abused so bad and put through hell & back 100 times STILL LETS MY SPIRIT LIVE IN IT. I still get to live & breath in this flesh. These feet still take me where I need to go. This heart still lets me feel love and happiness after alll the sadness. Not only that but its blessed me with a growing life in my tummy......HOW GREAT! It must love me or something. What have I done to deserve this? Maybe Ive done nothing and need to start.

feb. 18, 2009

RESPONSIBILITY

   So I am finding when something is really weighing on my heart, these little blogs really help release stuff. Here it goes again.
In the midst of my search for something better, anything..... I found myself a lil boyfriend. Lots of wierdos & sometimes nice guys attempted dating me while I was in La but I was in Robin's world. I had no time or enough space in my brain to let someone closly into my life, especially not a man. I was consumed with making money, partying, being center of attention & most importantly being free. So why did I let my guard down little by little for this guy. Lets call him Henry. I guess I felt a deep need for comfort & some sort of stability & he seemed to offer me that. I was in a lot of pain torn between my hearts desires & old demons. He befriended me & saw something in me worth saving. And thank God for him during that time. Soon he realized just how deep my pain was & how powerless he really was when it came to trying to control me. I believe he loved me at that time & I really loved him..... whether it was pure or selfish... i dunno. So we broke up. And my life continued to spiral downward til I  got to a point where I had enough of this weak girl shit!!! I decided to abandon all my belongings & go home to my family where I should of been a long time ago. Henry was still my friend & supported me in my new journeys. 
I was exhausted but my heart was on fire. I was ready to suck it up & try my best to leave the past behind me & start healing. The details i was not sure of & i was really scared but God washed over me with a sense peace & comfort. I looked for jobs & was about to start working 7 days a week. (for chump change, mind you)With the love & support of my friends/ family got through one week, and then.......................
I discovered I was pregnant. I laughed & giggled as my friends excitement comforted me. I just knew this was all part of God's plan. Never once did I think abortion was an option. I knew this was going to change my life & whatever promises I made to myself were now set in stone & I was gonna work my tail off to heal & prepare myself for mommy hood. Life suddenly got serious, and I could plainly see what was important & what was not. My ambitions intensified, my old worries & bad habbits faded away, my heart grew even bigger. I was excited for my new LIFE!! 
This Henry guy...... turned out not to be the loving friend I thought he was. He turned on me when I told him. And 8 months into my pregnancy, still wants nothing to do with our precious baby girl. Today he told me it was my decision to have her, not his, so I have to suffer the financial consequences & he will not help. My heart lit up like a freakin torch & I let him know that i am proud to say  " YES I DO want this baby girl & i want her with all my heart! And I will never deny her the love she deserves!" God damn it. (sorry God, Im makin a point). I will never feel sorry for myself to be a single mom, because I chose this man out of all the men I could of dated or gave a chance, I chose Henry. Yes I was spiritually sick & attracted the likes of him, but I take responsibility. And it's ok. I had poor judgement in men. But I will do everything in my power to provide the least amount of suffering for my daughter as possible from this. To me that means I owe it to my daughter to be the very best woman that with the help of God, I can be! It means forgiving Henry & not shutting the door on the chance that he might change & come looking for her. It means I forgive myself for alllllll my mistakes. It means I surround her with healthy & loving people & never drag her through unnecessary relationships. It means when I feel like giving up, I'll try even harder!!! I wish Henry could feel all the peace & love that I get to feel everyday because of who this lil baby drives me to be.God Bless Him