Discovering My Treasure

There's this familiar feeling that I have experienced throughout my life... some call it "in the flow," AA people call it "walking in the sunlight of the spirit," and others may say being at one with God. I know that feeling well, and there is no place i'd rather be than basking in that experience. This happened to me yesterday, so I tried to be aware of how I knew it was happening. I feel a sense of ease and comfort. I become bubbly with strangers as I feel a heightened appreciation for who they are and how they are so sweetly interacting with me making me smile. I feel more brave and confident. I notice the sunset feels like my breath and the breeze in the trees swirls in sync.

Quickly, I texted my dad and best friend Ashley "It's happening. I am in the flow again. This is what God wants me to do!" Ashley responded, "what does God want you to do?"

See, yesterday I just showed up fully for my life with no stress, no expectation. I meditated & prayed heavily that God would use me as an instrument of his peace. Lifeteen.com, the worlds leading Catholic youth ministry who serves hundreds of thousands of teens world wide through their curriculums, had just arrived to interview me for my story. I had not spoken publicly too much about the porn industry, but now was the time to do something big. They would use this video to show teens the girl behind the camera. Porn is a current public health crisis which we could chat for hours about, but for me this was about healing & serving.

They followed me to my Dr.'s appointment as I have a rare liver disease brought on from pregnancy that puts my baby at great risk. We chatted and laughed openly... I felt my contagious bubbly personality pour over into their hearts.

As I arrived at my drive way alone, something hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been in so much pain this last year... desperately seeking an answer or relief or to learn some big lesson. In this moment in my car, something said in my head, "Everything that has happened this year, in this pregnancy, in this relationship with Phillip, DOES NOT MEAN SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. This is just the experience that young lady Robin has had this year due to her certain life experiences and to extrenuous circumstances. This does not mean you're wrong or broken. And although it may make it challenging for the people close in your life, YOU ARE WORTH THE CHALLENGE. YOU ARE WORTH EVERY SECOND." Tears fell profusely down my face, I leaned my head back with my eyes closed realizing my worth for the first time.... and I had a vision.

... God, some being, held my head back in his hands and kissed my forehead as if he were revealing a gift to his daughter. Letting me know its ok... that he knows i've been suffering & in this moment I was ready for the truth. I had passed some test or reached some level that made me ready for to discover my personal treasure. I suddenly felt a knowing of myself beyond anything I've ever known and so drastically opposite of how I had been viewing who I am my whole life. I believed I was a burden... unloveable, too complicated.

Now, I know, no matter what comes up, I am worth the challenge because God made me that way. I anticipate that the challenges will become less and less for years to come. And, some day, to someone, I will be worth the effort to love me & show up for me. Maybe it's Phillip, maybe it's not, but I know now I am ok.

Who Has Loved You?

So, I feel like just free writing what my heart needs to express... One of my sobriety friends passed away in her sleep the other night. Her name to me was Chontelly. I had a rough going while I lived in LA & I would come crawling in to meetings with my tail between my legs & my hands shaking. Most of the time I was covered in shame and guilt for having relapsed and I needed someone to just take me in their arms and tell me it would all be ok, that I could get my life back. Chontelly was one of those main people for me at that time. Anytime... didn't matter how long I had been out... her face would light up to see me, she would shower me with love & touch & rub my back. She always included me & didn't let me feel left out. She told her story like a rock star & I looked up to her. I saw how she sponsored my friend "Roxy" at that time & I thought it was so sweet how they befriended each other. I wanted that because my lil broken spirit was so lonely. Chontelly made me feel worthy of love & friendship.
      At the end of my yoga practice today, I felt like my inner guidance, maybe "GOD," was calling me to close my eyes even though everyone was doing something else... and to just listen. So I did. I just listened as my mind chatter fluttered back n forth & I tried to zero in on my breath. And as soon as I let go of the panic, of the mind fucking... there it was. I was infused with the deep, overwhelming gratitude for the people who have loved me & who are loving me right now. I am a complicated chick with a complicated past, and a troubled heart, but I have been anointed. Something out there found me special enough to put hundreds of people in my path who have guided me & deeply deeply deeply loved me. They have picked me up literally from the ground and taught me how to love myself. They have begun to teach me who I am so that I may discover the rest on my own. These amazing men & women have unconditionally poured there love and blessings into me. For a girl who should be dead or hospitalized, this is an astounding realization.
       The death of my friend, my uncle, my grandma, and the attempted suicide of another friend this year has forced me to take a look at who has loved me. How precious is that gift? How grateful am I? And how can I take action to show my gratitude? How do I want to be remembered?
       Sometimes I am ashamed of how fast I fall in love. Sometimes I am ashamed of how open I am with people & how much I share. Sometimes I don't want people to see how sensitive I am. But this year of transformation and revelation has taught me the true meaning of the serenity prayer...."FUCK IT!" Every time I feel that shame come in, I will remember Chontell, my Uncle Jim, my Grandma, and my friend Gavin! I will fall in love with as many people & things as possible in this life time. I want to live & love with my whole being every fucking day! Like my friend Miguel says, "I don't love half way." I choose to believe its a gift the amount of love & gratitude I am capable of. Life is so short & half of it I spent suffering. Its my turn to shine & not be ashamed. I  will keep being sensitive & I will keep being open & authentic because I want to be remembered for all that I am. I want the people who have loved me to know with out a shadow of doubt that I appreciate them. Life is crazy beautiful... who has loved you?