I Fought for You

I'm lucky lately when I don't go immediately back to bed after giving a morning stroll to the kitchen for some water or healthy wake me up snack. I'm a month and a half pregnant, scared, insecure, and experiencing chronic depression which I previously thought not possible. I thought my darkest days had been left long ago in the streets of beautifully polluted Los Angeles.

I was wrong. That darkness, that gut wrenching pain, that out of control lost feeling is back, and I am fighting everything and everyone like a cat clawing its way out of drowning waters. One day, I literally felt like I was drowning in hell with no one to turn to. Like what it might feel like to watch your child be murdered in broad day light & your screaming for help and everyone sees you, but no one does a thing to help. Ya, that's how I felt a couple weeks ago, but about myself. I'm still recovering from that day with scars to prove what I am going through is deep enough to penetrate all layers of my happiness and hope. I've been searching for the lesson in this all... feeling paralyzed with fear and exhausted with anxiety. There's people screaming they love me, but it sounds like the quietest pen drop muffled by my resentment that I am even going through this.

I have everything good in my life I thought i'd never have. A really handsome brave man trying to love me, my chance at stopping the cycle of abuse in my family, a college degree, a loving relationship with my daughter....yet my self destructive patterns show their true colors again. This time with vengeance.

Tonight I dragged my gloomy ass to a restorative yoga class once and for all with the intension to be unified with God. I felt my heart calling me home immediately as I placed the eye covers over my face.

On my way home, I was driving hearing my own thoughts. I thought to myself, "jeez, I don't even know what it feels like to feel loved. Have I felt loved before? I must have; it's just been a while I've been depressed that I can't remember." I was searching my memories of feelings trying to remember what it felt like to be loved, and I was having such trouble jogging that feeling. Until all of a sudden, my voice said so loud and strong and clear, "I LOVE YOU ROBIN. THAT'S WHY I AM STILL HERE FIGHTING FOR YOU."

It was strange. Had I thought that thought & then told it to myself or was it God? I don't know, but I felt it like a ton of bricks made up of truth. I thought to myself whoa, that speaks to me. I know what that means... and its right. Something inside myself loves me so much that throughout my whole chaotic, traumatic, beautiful, ugly, crazy life, something keeps putting up the fight for me. Something drives my ass to a yoga class, or a nut house, or a therapist. Something empowers me to overcome addiction, bulimia, society's ridicule of my exploitation. Something stopped me from taking my life more than once. Something keeps me hanging on to hope because it believes in my freedom & happiness. That something is inside of me, and even if I can't feel the love of anything else... I can know and feel that love I have for myself to keep fighting for my life.

This time my strategy is not violence, but to make friends with my demons and see what the mother fuckers wanted from me this whole time.

Like a Warrior Goddess.

Who Has Loved You?

So, I feel like just free writing what my heart needs to express... One of my sobriety friends passed away in her sleep the other night. Her name to me was Chontelly. I had a rough going while I lived in LA & I would come crawling in to meetings with my tail between my legs & my hands shaking. Most of the time I was covered in shame and guilt for having relapsed and I needed someone to just take me in their arms and tell me it would all be ok, that I could get my life back. Chontelly was one of those main people for me at that time. Anytime... didn't matter how long I had been out... her face would light up to see me, she would shower me with love & touch & rub my back. She always included me & didn't let me feel left out. She told her story like a rock star & I looked up to her. I saw how she sponsored my friend "Roxy" at that time & I thought it was so sweet how they befriended each other. I wanted that because my lil broken spirit was so lonely. Chontelly made me feel worthy of love & friendship.
      At the end of my yoga practice today, I felt like my inner guidance, maybe "GOD," was calling me to close my eyes even though everyone was doing something else... and to just listen. So I did. I just listened as my mind chatter fluttered back n forth & I tried to zero in on my breath. And as soon as I let go of the panic, of the mind fucking... there it was. I was infused with the deep, overwhelming gratitude for the people who have loved me & who are loving me right now. I am a complicated chick with a complicated past, and a troubled heart, but I have been anointed. Something out there found me special enough to put hundreds of people in my path who have guided me & deeply deeply deeply loved me. They have picked me up literally from the ground and taught me how to love myself. They have begun to teach me who I am so that I may discover the rest on my own. These amazing men & women have unconditionally poured there love and blessings into me. For a girl who should be dead or hospitalized, this is an astounding realization.
       The death of my friend, my uncle, my grandma, and the attempted suicide of another friend this year has forced me to take a look at who has loved me. How precious is that gift? How grateful am I? And how can I take action to show my gratitude? How do I want to be remembered?
       Sometimes I am ashamed of how fast I fall in love. Sometimes I am ashamed of how open I am with people & how much I share. Sometimes I don't want people to see how sensitive I am. But this year of transformation and revelation has taught me the true meaning of the serenity prayer...."FUCK IT!" Every time I feel that shame come in, I will remember Chontell, my Uncle Jim, my Grandma, and my friend Gavin! I will fall in love with as many people & things as possible in this life time. I want to live & love with my whole being every fucking day! Like my friend Miguel says, "I don't love half way." I choose to believe its a gift the amount of love & gratitude I am capable of. Life is so short & half of it I spent suffering. Its my turn to shine & not be ashamed. I  will keep being sensitive & I will keep being open & authentic because I want to be remembered for all that I am. I want the people who have loved me to know with out a shadow of doubt that I appreciate them. Life is crazy beautiful... who has loved you?