Trikonasana

I wish I were an everyday writer. I have been writing all my life, but the magic of story telling only comes to me during a pivotal point in my life or revelations. There’s something magical about the fire that burns in the bottom of my heart when I decide to write about what I feel. Maybe it’s a gift. Maybe my sensitivity and openness is a curse. Maybe it will save someone’s quality of life. Maybe it’s saving my own.

I received a hateful message this morning on Facebook from a younger cousin who has anger and alcohol problems. I should be used to the whole slut shaming and virgin/whore dichotomy by now… but for whatever reason it stung like 10,000 be stings into my intestines this morning upon awakening. My body began to tremble and my heart race with fear. I was triggered. That life threatening, survival instinct had kicked in. He talked about the well being of my child. My child, the only reason I have life at all right now. The very thing that pulled me from the gates of hell, and gave me the inspiration to fight mental illness, addiction, failure, and trauma, was my child. Is my child, I should say. I still fight these things, but I am WINNING.

Later this morning, I bowed into myself on my yoga mat in a class of thirty people or more. I have not been practicing much lately because I have been running from my fear so fast I haven’t been sleeping well or breathing well. So to finally get on my mat and be fully willing to surrender my things to do list, my anxiety about money, my fears of failure and inadequacies, was a relief.  I dropped into my breath over and over trying to let go of fearful or anxious thoughts… and then it happened. As I closed my eyes and gracefully leaned in & opened up into trikonasana (triangle pose) my heart metaphorically ripped right open to the ceiling. Tears trickled down the side of my face and onto the floor. There I was, shinning brightly, beautifully, radiantly , and I knew it! This is who I am. I am never the things I fear or what people have told me. When you are graced with that glimpse of who you are, the moment that can barely be described with words, the only option in to weep at the revelation of your own power and beauty. I’ve been running from my beauty and running from my power because it’s frightening. Frightening to think, I might just experience even greater love, even greater success. I might just fuckin pull it off again this whole “after college thing.” The fear that I will be abandoned by everyone I love if I truly fill my life with what I love and desire. The fear that if I don’t have another degree or save some children in Africa, that I’ll disappoint everyone who has cheered me on.

I am so scared, but as I stepped back like an acrobatic dancer into down dog & whipped myself back upside down into wild thing… I almost yelled out loud as I said in my head with my eyes closes, “THIS IS MY BODY. THIS IS MYYYYYYY BODY. THIS IS MINE!!!!! THIS IS MY LIFE. THIS IS MY HEART! THIS IS MINEEEEEEEE!!!!!” But, I just whispered it to myself. This is the yoga. It never fails. Somatic therapy. Connection to something greater. Tapping into power.

I have so much more to say on what was said in that message & my experience of female objectification and parenting, but I am really excited about organizing my room right now and shaking my ass to some dub step. … until next time.

As usual when I am inspired to write, I do not plan what I will put down. I do have to say that I have a burning desire in my heart right now to express... to share what I'm experiencing.

My recent boyfriend bailed on Izzy and I a month ago or so, and surprisingly despite the sadness, I have been waking up everyday with this incredible energy and motivation. I remember this from before when I was pregnant with Izzy, starting school, diving into a yoga practice, determined to heal. My heart and ass were almost literally on fire. I have that same fire right now blazing in my heart. As I write this my chest is full of this incredible excitement and warmth. I am just so burning with excitement for my life... to be a part of YOUR life (whom ever that may be) and to just jump head first into everything that delights my spirit: rock climbing!! snowboarding!! dancing!! scholarships!! money!! being in nature!! being present for my daughter!! adventures!! graduating Cal & grad school!! moving closer to the beach!! being more loving & loud about it!! I mean list goes on & on. I want to inspire others so badly!

So, anyways, I've been meditating everyday, diving deeper into my yoga practice which I believe is somatic therapy for deep issues, and allowing myself to feel the depth of my feelings. I am dedicated to self-love, getting through blockages, and believing in my path even if people walk out of my life because it's not the path for them aka boyfriend. As a result, some weird stuff is going down ya'll!!!!! I had a kundalini experience yesterday and I am about to share it with you.

Goes like this... I had rough day prior to this amazing day dealing with welfare systems, legal systems, and just highly stressful things to make ends meet. I cried a lot but I got through it all and had 5 hours of physical activity between it all. Did I become super woman? I dunno how I did it. The next day I woke up at 4am to meditate (dedicated I TELL YOU ha ha) and do last minute homework. The rest of the day seemed to flow easily and effortlessly in comparison to the day before. I felt easeful... easy to talk to strangers which I usually avoid. I found myself shaking peoples hands, being super present, enjoying my daughter more. Wow... I was flowin with the Universe. I saw friends and usually at first I think judgmental thoughts of what i think they are thinking of me, but this time I just reached out to hug them both with confidence, stayed humble, and went about printing a poem. Why printing a poem?? Best part! Because my 1pm 500 person meditation class held by Professor Azevedo was going to change it up and let who ever wants to present a writing, an expression from the heart. I printed my self-forgiveness poem instead of my whore poem intuitively. My heart was pumping. I was so excited for this for some reason to be heard. I sat right in the front... signed one of the random sign up sheets going around for people who want to read. Then I sat back and made effort to be patient and pay attention for each presenter.

The first girl, a total hippy amazingly dont give a fuck kinda girl got up first and had us make the ugliest face we could... awkward but I tried and giggled. We all stood and moved our bodies in a spontaneously way & then she began her poem off top of her head. She was like free speaking. It was so profound and poetic and from the depths of her spirit. I had to swallow the intense knott in my throat. Suddenly, that warm excited sensation that I have been feeling in my heart spread through my entire core, into the bottom of my pelvic floor and up through the top of my head. HOLY MONKEY BALLS am I high? I thought to myself. Something inside me told me this was a gift and to relax and bask in the sensation. So I stayed present with my breath as a few more people went up... each one touching every bone in my body. I mean I felt their insight and inspiration in the depths of my bones so much that I began to get goosebumps up my legs and tingly in the back of my  head. One dorky white boy kid got up and surprised us all. He started free flowin. OMG this boy was a genius. Every line was so creative with so much depth of who he is and radical self-acceptance like explaining how he's different than the rest of the world maybe speakin alien compared to everyone else and how he's been to jail for fighting for what's right etc.... and the intensity that he performed it in was just mind blowing, and brave and radical and scary and brilliant all at the same time. I was just floored. I could barely handle the excitement. I just laughed and holla'd at him as everyone clapped and whistled. AMAZING. Then I was wanting to share mine so bad. And just as I was beginning to know they would randomly pick me next out of all the names, I began to imagine them saying my name in my head and before I could finish, they called ROBIN RIVERA. My friends cheered my name and I began to reveal my heart to this class room of 500 people not knowing I would struggle to read it with a frog in my throat because it was that real & that raw for me. I needed to be heard. I knew someone else in that room needed to hear it. And sure enough after... an young Indian girl came up to me to hug me and thank me and tell me how much it touched her. Wow. I was full blown lit up in all my chakras. Is this what can happen to the human body/spirit just by getting a group together in a sacred space where we try to meditate & then allow each other to creatively express ourselves??? If so, this is the fucking job I wanna do for the rest of my life!!!!! This is where the magic is at. AND, coincidentally my other full blown kundalini awakening happened in the same freaking kinda group setting 4 years ago in a Anusara Yoga immersion 108hr workshop. We did a creative expression night. I pussed out & didn't dance my dance because I was ashamed of how sexy I dance.. I thought I would be judged & then I sat there as I watched a belly dancer delight the room more than any other participant WITH MY FUCKING DANCE MOVES! It was beautiful & I missed my chance to express. But this shows me how much I've grown to come full circle. I did not miss my chance yesterday & I stood their completely unashamed of who I am. 

I want to tell you about the growth I experience later last night when my heart broke over this recent boyfriend and grieving letting him go... but this is getting to long. I'll just say that as my heart was breaking one of my best friends called: Miguel. The angel sent to guide me through that pain on such a very magical day for me. I know this friend SEES me. I mean really SEES me. And, he told me I must be like some extremely evolved human that gets to feel the full spectrum of what humans can potentially feel and experience. He's right. I'm experiencing it alright. May I learn to protect myself... May I never be afraid to love so deeply... may I love harder and longer and deeper... May I not cling to that love for their is abundance... May I never be ashamed of the blessings that I hold... May I share and share and share... and share.

Special thank you also to my dearest girl friend Ashley who pours her heart and beliefs into me, who reminds me who I am every step of the way, who walks with  me week after week, year after year. Thank you for your devotion. I love you.

What would you do if your dreams actually started to come true? What would you do if you finally got what you wanted & even more was in arms reach? What would you do if your whole life had been lived on the edge between life and death, yet now miracles are manifesting weekly? 

I have been going through a hard time since I graduated community college. I have been overcome with a sense of guilt, feeling like an impostor, feeling scared & unsure of my next adventures, having extra time & money that I haven't had in four years, and wanting to go running back to my version of "safety." My experience has been that no one understands why I would ever want to go back to stripping or that life, but the more I learn about the adult industry the more I realize what a sticky web of dysfunctional payoffs it provides for men and women like me. I am terrified of the wonderful woman I have become because it is uncomfortable... & unfamiliar. I learn everyday how to be a functioning member of society, a daughter who doesn't throw things & cuss, a mother who is nurturing & patient, a sister who shows up... etc. I am way more comfortable dancing naked on a stage, being able to express myself artistically than I am winning highest academic awards & having people depend on me to follow through with the "good" life. OMG. So much pressure. My skin was crawling when I was faced with free time for once. So, I made what author Paulo Coelho calls "a series of stupid mistakes." I won't go into detail of what they were because I don't know who will read this. My friends and family tried to stop me, but something deep inside was aching for safety & security the way I know how to get it instantly. I just wanted to run away. I felt so undeserving of the 21 awards I have won, the public recognition in LPC's Presidents commencement speech where he mentioned my story, the news paper article, the medals, the volunteering at MISSSEY... I was having an identity crisis. Who is this person I have become? How did I take it all in. I want to cry just typing this and my hands are shaking with emotion. This blog helps me process as I am here alone with my daughter usually just trying to be a good healthy mama. 

Lucky for me, God doesn't let me stray too far EVER. I don't get away with shit! There is a plan and I know with all my heart that there is nothing can I do to avoid it ever since I was a little girl. I know I am meant to love & help people & somewhere dancing is involved in that. Not naked dancing probably, but some kind of dancing. How do I know this? Because my heart lights up on fire when I do any of those three things. I feel it in my bones, my heart pounds, sometimes I have trembled with excitement. So, after reading The Alchemist, I have re-discovered my mission & have been reminded how fucking hard I have worked diligently to achieve one goal which turned into more. All I wanted 4 years ago was for no one to take my sweet unborn baby from me! I had just checked myself into the nut house for suicidle thoughts one week before I discovered I was pregnant. Everyone in their right mind would assume i shouldn't be a mother at that point in my life. But NOOOO. I knew better. I knew I could do it... I found this incredible, never ending motivation inside me that is still there, just got muddle with fear & lies. I was not gonna let anyone take that sweet child from me. Not her father, not my parents, not the hospital, no one. I was going to give this little girl the love & safety I yearned for my whole life. I was going to heal myself through loving her. I was going to get a real job & give her a good life & a good home & all the love she could ever want. Reading that book I just mentioned revealed to me something I so desperately needed. I FUCKING DID IT PEOPLE!  I transformed; I not only achieved my goal of keeping my daughter, I rocked the shit out of college & my communities. I have miracles manifesting weekly. This is not because God wants to be charitable. Its because I acted on the power of LOVE. I loved that baby so much that it gave me the power to do all this stuff. It gave me to willingness to beg God everyday to change me, transform me into the woman I was meant to be. I haven't given up when my heart was broken, nor when my body was broken. I even went to class with a cathedar in my vagina & taped to my leg because I was not going to miss out on anything that would help me get an A in that class & win money. Everything is happening because I have wanted it to deep inside & the farther I get on my journey, the more things I realize I want... but it scared me this summer. 

I struggle with eating disorders, wanting to go back to stripping, self-esteem, wanting to self medicate at times, and anxiety. So fucking what! At least I know what my issues are. I am strong. I have gotten this far. I believe I can do it. Plus, I think Izzy is an angel from heaven who chose me to walk this path with. I cried the other day & she sat in my lap as I prayed. I told her that all I wanna do is be a good healthy mama and she looked up at me, touched my face and said, "OK. I can help you with that. I love you mama. I

ll never leave you." We are a team. I am real with her and only hope to show her how to be authentic and grow. 

I just got accepted into a prestigious research program where numerous new opportunities are opening up... God is unlocking all the doors to my treasure, he only asks that I believe and move forward with love. 

Thank you to the signs that becoming more clear to guide me. Thank you to my friends who believe in me & show me how to love myself, you know who you are. Time to put on the big girl panties and do the damn thing!

This picture at the top looks like a vision I had in meditation when I was pregnant. I saw my highest self. She was floating, wearing all white (pure), and illuminating with love.