Let the World Wait ...

Approval seeking. We all want to be and know we are good enough.

In the early hours of the morning, I found myself tossing and turning in bed alone... wondering what people think of me. Particularly, wondering what my partner's family thinks of me after all these desperate moments I have had during this pregnancy reaching out to them for help out of fear I will end up with the same situation I have with my first child's dad. Complete chaos & emotional abuse with that man. I've had moments of fearful desperation so afraid of how this new dynamic will play out, so afraid to struggle as a single mom of two children, so afraid I am incapable of a relationship... just so afraid.

My best friend just wrote a blog for the Huffington Post (huge milestone), and it reminded me the only approval I need to be ok is my own. That's the biggest lesson I have been learning over the years. Relationship success or no relationship, job or no job, recognition or no recognition, I am a precious child of God walking this earth doing the very very very best I can. Not only am I doing the very best I can, I consciously work to remove all barriers in my life. That's more than I can say for half the people I know or more. So, can I love myself despite what others may or may not think of me? Of course I can.

There is ONE life, ONE God, ONE Love, and I am not excluded from this ONE family on earth.

The walls I have built around my fortress are vast, tall, and wide with alarms everywhere. And, I decide this is ok. It's ok that this is the path I have created because it's my path... my sacred precious path, and there's no reason in the world to be ashamed of it. It's going to take time for me to identify & break down all these walls I've created one by one with each courageous effort. Let the world watch. Let the world wait. They can all just wait while I take my sweet time unraveling this puzzle. There's no rush.

I am so touched by the people who have chosen to hold my hand through this process, and even more by the ones who have burned deeply along side me. Especially, this brave man who has chosen me and has picked up everything within reach to help me break these walls down for good so I can be free.

My hope is to inspire others to be so bold in their efforts to free themselves both physically, if they're  under someone or something's control, and metaphorically- from deep within.

So then, in this context... we need not worry if other people think we are good enough. This is the path. This is your sacred path no matter what it looks like from the outside, YOU KNOW what's on the inside. I KNOW what's on the inside.

mmm. mmm. mmm.

The Words "I love you" are so boring

The words "I love you" are so boring
They're the only ones we're given to express this deep human connection
yet the words fall like blank bullets out of my mouth piercing nothing, nothing at all
disappointing me, failing to mean what I want them to mean

They are so boring and meaningless in the light of what I'm aching to say

How then can I release this explosion of human experience?
How then can I make sure the one's I "love" know this experience manifesting within me?
How then can I feel satisfied and relieved expressing my truth about the greatest sensations and knowings ever to arise?

So, I vomit. I vomit from the heart.

It's the way my hands melt into yours letting the warmth overcome me, seeping through layers of skin
The blood pulsating through my face and swirling in my eyes when we look at each other
That deep knowing of being seen
That deep feeling of tears arising in my throat
 The gratitude and humility of having the privilege to start seeing someone back
That innocence in their eyes, that soul so hungry to be seen
I see the years, maybe even life times of this person waiting to be seen, so deserving
Knowing it's me that has been chosen to see them
The fear that melts away and the time that stands still
It's the safety amongst the uncertainty
When you see someones actions line up consistently for the first time
The awe and wonder in my ears, eyes, nose, and temples of my forehead when I look at you
The knowing, just the knowing of something greater then us.

Something magical. Something fierce.

Who Has Loved You?

So, I feel like just free writing what my heart needs to express... One of my sobriety friends passed away in her sleep the other night. Her name to me was Chontelly. I had a rough going while I lived in LA & I would come crawling in to meetings with my tail between my legs & my hands shaking. Most of the time I was covered in shame and guilt for having relapsed and I needed someone to just take me in their arms and tell me it would all be ok, that I could get my life back. Chontelly was one of those main people for me at that time. Anytime... didn't matter how long I had been out... her face would light up to see me, she would shower me with love & touch & rub my back. She always included me & didn't let me feel left out. She told her story like a rock star & I looked up to her. I saw how she sponsored my friend "Roxy" at that time & I thought it was so sweet how they befriended each other. I wanted that because my lil broken spirit was so lonely. Chontelly made me feel worthy of love & friendship.
      At the end of my yoga practice today, I felt like my inner guidance, maybe "GOD," was calling me to close my eyes even though everyone was doing something else... and to just listen. So I did. I just listened as my mind chatter fluttered back n forth & I tried to zero in on my breath. And as soon as I let go of the panic, of the mind fucking... there it was. I was infused with the deep, overwhelming gratitude for the people who have loved me & who are loving me right now. I am a complicated chick with a complicated past, and a troubled heart, but I have been anointed. Something out there found me special enough to put hundreds of people in my path who have guided me & deeply deeply deeply loved me. They have picked me up literally from the ground and taught me how to love myself. They have begun to teach me who I am so that I may discover the rest on my own. These amazing men & women have unconditionally poured there love and blessings into me. For a girl who should be dead or hospitalized, this is an astounding realization.
       The death of my friend, my uncle, my grandma, and the attempted suicide of another friend this year has forced me to take a look at who has loved me. How precious is that gift? How grateful am I? And how can I take action to show my gratitude? How do I want to be remembered?
       Sometimes I am ashamed of how fast I fall in love. Sometimes I am ashamed of how open I am with people & how much I share. Sometimes I don't want people to see how sensitive I am. But this year of transformation and revelation has taught me the true meaning of the serenity prayer...."FUCK IT!" Every time I feel that shame come in, I will remember Chontell, my Uncle Jim, my Grandma, and my friend Gavin! I will fall in love with as many people & things as possible in this life time. I want to live & love with my whole being every fucking day! Like my friend Miguel says, "I don't love half way." I choose to believe its a gift the amount of love & gratitude I am capable of. Life is so short & half of it I spent suffering. Its my turn to shine & not be ashamed. I  will keep being sensitive & I will keep being open & authentic because I want to be remembered for all that I am. I want the people who have loved me to know with out a shadow of doubt that I appreciate them. Life is crazy beautiful... who has loved you?