Crazy Beautiful: What Does It Mean to Be a Whore? Before I ever ha...

Crazy Beautiful: What Does It Mean to Be a Whore?

Before I ever ha...: What Does It Mean to Be a Whore? Before I ever had sex, I was called a slut and a whore by the kids at school. My own father told m...

What Does It Mean to Be a Whore?

Before I ever had sex, I was called a slut and a whore by the kids at school. My own father told me in a fit of rage that the whole school thought I was a slut. I lost my virginity in a bathroom of a park from a pimple faced popular boy who pressured me into it without asking. I was terrified and I had no idea what was going on, but the words of those who called me a whore stuck in my mind, and I confirmed for them... that indeed I must be a slut. Now that I am older and have experience as a woman, as a mother, as a survivor of sex trafficking and exploitation, as a scholar, as a kick ass student & lover of life, I have begun to wonder what does it really mean to be a whore...

Am I a whore because of the way I look

Is it my beauty that your envious of while you stand empty watching me be loved by many

Am I whore because I enjoy cooking a masterful meal wearing only underwear

Is it because I let my daughter be naked in the house all the time as she delights in her own mere presence

Am I a whore for automatically shaking my ass every time my body feels the entrancing, pulsation of music no matter where I am at

Is there a certain number of men I have to sleep with before I cross the invisible WHORE threshold

Or is it because I like to sleep with women sometimes too & actually have been since I was 13

Am I a whore because I know how to connect with people on a level you only dream of

Is it because I have seen the darkest of men, in secretive places & I know their pain

Am I a whore because I know how to survive when there is no one else to help me

Is it because you fear my determination and my strength

Is it because I fall in love fast & love with all my heart 

Am I a whore because I decided to give life to my unborn child instead of believing you I couldn't do it

Is it because I am comfortable in my own body and embrace my woman-ness every chance I get

Am I a whore because I talk freely about sex and I am unashamed of my "taboo" past

Is it because I made hundreds of thousands of dollars through my old work, that you will never touch

Am I a whore because my job took me to the depths of this earth and catapulted me to another level of existence in order to THRIVE

Or is it because I want to spend my life helping child victims and giving voice to all the other women you like to call a whore

Am I a whore because my innocence was ripped away from me while secretly drugged in my adolescence 

Is it because you know you want even just a tiny piece of the gifts I have to offer the world

Am I a whore because you could never please me and you will never have me

...

Oh, I know... I am a whore because I finally decided to take my power back & you don't like that very much.

Izabella's father called me garbage  and a whore again the other week. This is 4 years of mental abuse & I won't have it anymore. I am not the scared, broken little girl who he met in a strip club 4 years ago. I know who I am now and I am learning to love every single piece of it. Izabella overheard a phone conversation & knows he called me garbage. This hurts her & she has brought it up when she got sad about something totally unrelated. I validated her feelings & told her people make mistakes. We have to learn & forgive & love. I told her its ok to not like if boys say garbage... you tell them "NO, that is not ok with me. You don't talk to me that way." And she understood. We practiced saying NO by being silly with attitude. My motivation is her. What kind of woman do I want her to try to be? How do I want her to view men? Thank God for her Tio Paully who shows her what love means & how men should treat her mommy. XOXO thank you for reading.

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I will be doing everything I can to fight the good fight. Help me make a difference. 

Another Magical Day

Today was the most magical day. Well, I have had many magical days, but today was the first since the day I gave my testimony to the Board of Governors at the state capitol. After walking away from telling people in government that I used to be on a self-destructive path & I was a stripper, etc.… I stepped into my greatness. I began to own my power that day… that was a few months ago in January. Today, however, I got a chunk of my dignity, a comfort deep within, and more fuel to the already blazing fire in my heart. Where do I begin?

Last week I almost repeated a pattern of self-destruction like all the other times I broke everyone’s hearts when I started doing good. I don’t care what any non-believers think; I am walking in God’s grace. I know there is a powerful plan unfolding before me & there is nothing I can do to stop my God from fulfilling this purpose with me. I picked myself back up from my “almost” self-destruction last week & I humbled myself. I asked for help, I got honest about all my feelings of unworthiness, and put on my big girl panties once again. I decided to put my health first, before getting ripped abs, before being a rock star in college, even before being a mother to my ever so precious Izabella. Today, like every other day this week, I prayed God would show me what to do & help me.

I had a full day. At 6:30 am this morning I had to decide what outfit I could ride the bart train in to San Francisco for my Chicana Foundation semi-finalist interview & also be able to dress up afterwards for the MISSSEY Gala that we (volunteers & MISSSEY staff) have been planning for a year. MAN! I packed heals in my purse, protein shake, and my brothers lap top so I can do my finals homework. I got to that interview with barely any nervousness. I knew all I had to do was be myself & tell the truth. My heart is pure, my actions speak volumes. I told these women what I am about & answered all their questions whole heartedly. They shook my hand with what felt like true human appreciation. I told them my past & my present with no shame, not a quiver in my voice. I am getting stronger, braver, and more graceful.

Then I got on board for my MISSSEY volunteer position. I was the first person to show up at their down town Oakland office ready to work. I sat on the dirty sidewalk & called my AA sponsor. We had a good talk, and I learned so much from that convo to keep me going for the day. I sweated & worked for this event all afternoon & night… and I left a new woman. THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT! Service, living from the heart, & connecting with others. I heard two courageous survivors of abuse, sexual exploitation, and trauma… I heard people talk about things that know one else understands about me… I cried when I heard the resieliance and power in these women’s voices. They are me, and I am them. We have a purpose, we have a mission, and we are not alone. I felt love and connection on a level I have yet to experience anywhere else. I got to be part of something ground breaking tonight. People are becoming more aware of the injustices occurring to our society’s most vulnerable populations. After eating an amazing meal at our classy Gala, us women got to dance to “We are fam-a-ly” lol… we jumped in the air & laughed & cheered. I danced sober… there was no pole to flip upside down on, no one to entertain, just girls having fun & celebrating this beautiful victory. We have survived & we get to carry a message of hope. Nola, the founder of MISSSEY, came over to me when they played Salt-N-Pepper “Push It” & she said it was her favorite stripping song! LOL that made me feel so good… now your-a-speakin my language! Her small gesture to make me not feel like the only stripper in the world recovering made me open up to a whole new experience being one among many. Tonight I was not alone & I got to be me… all of me, and it was ok. Just like it was ok at the state capitol. How could it be that all those years I believed I was worthless, doomed, never going to survive? When in reality, I am blessed with a powerful unique gift to give to this world. I hope this doesn’t sound ego-ish… I am just beginning to wake up from what has been a foggy, icky nightmare… to see just how amazing my life actually is. Thank you God, thank you for never leaving me, thank you for protecting me through all the horror, thank you for giving me 100 chances to get it right, thank you for giving me people who love me & help me, thank you for this miracle. I promise to make you proud! I promise!http://missseygala.weebly.com/