What would you do if your dreams actually started to come true? What would you do if you finally got what you wanted & even more was in arms reach? What would you do if your whole life had been lived on the edge between life and death, yet now miracles are manifesting weekly? 

I have been going through a hard time since I graduated community college. I have been overcome with a sense of guilt, feeling like an impostor, feeling scared & unsure of my next adventures, having extra time & money that I haven't had in four years, and wanting to go running back to my version of "safety." My experience has been that no one understands why I would ever want to go back to stripping or that life, but the more I learn about the adult industry the more I realize what a sticky web of dysfunctional payoffs it provides for men and women like me. I am terrified of the wonderful woman I have become because it is uncomfortable... & unfamiliar. I learn everyday how to be a functioning member of society, a daughter who doesn't throw things & cuss, a mother who is nurturing & patient, a sister who shows up... etc. I am way more comfortable dancing naked on a stage, being able to express myself artistically than I am winning highest academic awards & having people depend on me to follow through with the "good" life. OMG. So much pressure. My skin was crawling when I was faced with free time for once. So, I made what author Paulo Coelho calls "a series of stupid mistakes." I won't go into detail of what they were because I don't know who will read this. My friends and family tried to stop me, but something deep inside was aching for safety & security the way I know how to get it instantly. I just wanted to run away. I felt so undeserving of the 21 awards I have won, the public recognition in LPC's Presidents commencement speech where he mentioned my story, the news paper article, the medals, the volunteering at MISSSEY... I was having an identity crisis. Who is this person I have become? How did I take it all in. I want to cry just typing this and my hands are shaking with emotion. This blog helps me process as I am here alone with my daughter usually just trying to be a good healthy mama. 

Lucky for me, God doesn't let me stray too far EVER. I don't get away with shit! There is a plan and I know with all my heart that there is nothing can I do to avoid it ever since I was a little girl. I know I am meant to love & help people & somewhere dancing is involved in that. Not naked dancing probably, but some kind of dancing. How do I know this? Because my heart lights up on fire when I do any of those three things. I feel it in my bones, my heart pounds, sometimes I have trembled with excitement. So, after reading The Alchemist, I have re-discovered my mission & have been reminded how fucking hard I have worked diligently to achieve one goal which turned into more. All I wanted 4 years ago was for no one to take my sweet unborn baby from me! I had just checked myself into the nut house for suicidle thoughts one week before I discovered I was pregnant. Everyone in their right mind would assume i shouldn't be a mother at that point in my life. But NOOOO. I knew better. I knew I could do it... I found this incredible, never ending motivation inside me that is still there, just got muddle with fear & lies. I was not gonna let anyone take that sweet child from me. Not her father, not my parents, not the hospital, no one. I was going to give this little girl the love & safety I yearned for my whole life. I was going to heal myself through loving her. I was going to get a real job & give her a good life & a good home & all the love she could ever want. Reading that book I just mentioned revealed to me something I so desperately needed. I FUCKING DID IT PEOPLE!  I transformed; I not only achieved my goal of keeping my daughter, I rocked the shit out of college & my communities. I have miracles manifesting weekly. This is not because God wants to be charitable. Its because I acted on the power of LOVE. I loved that baby so much that it gave me the power to do all this stuff. It gave me to willingness to beg God everyday to change me, transform me into the woman I was meant to be. I haven't given up when my heart was broken, nor when my body was broken. I even went to class with a cathedar in my vagina & taped to my leg because I was not going to miss out on anything that would help me get an A in that class & win money. Everything is happening because I have wanted it to deep inside & the farther I get on my journey, the more things I realize I want... but it scared me this summer. 

I struggle with eating disorders, wanting to go back to stripping, self-esteem, wanting to self medicate at times, and anxiety. So fucking what! At least I know what my issues are. I am strong. I have gotten this far. I believe I can do it. Plus, I think Izzy is an angel from heaven who chose me to walk this path with. I cried the other day & she sat in my lap as I prayed. I told her that all I wanna do is be a good healthy mama and she looked up at me, touched my face and said, "OK. I can help you with that. I love you mama. I

ll never leave you." We are a team. I am real with her and only hope to show her how to be authentic and grow. 

I just got accepted into a prestigious research program where numerous new opportunities are opening up... God is unlocking all the doors to my treasure, he only asks that I believe and move forward with love. 

Thank you to the signs that becoming more clear to guide me. Thank you to my friends who believe in me & show me how to love myself, you know who you are. Time to put on the big girl panties and do the damn thing!

This picture at the top looks like a vision I had in meditation when I was pregnant. I saw my highest self. She was floating, wearing all white (pure), and illuminating with love.