Desperation. One of the most wonderful gifts we can receive. We cannot muster it up, or fake it. We can only wish for it silently. Desperation paves the way for surrender which paves the way for a miracle... a shift in our existence, world view, bodily sensations, & heart.
I have so much to say, so much to write, so much to express, but I just want to be concise about this pressing fire in my heart right now.
Recently, I was on a mission to discover my sexuality and ethical boundaries as far as "sex work." All of this inspired by a class I took at UC Berkeley on sexual cultures. It made me feel like sex work might be ok for me again, maybe even a savior for a single mom with dreams of financial independence off welfare, travel, and surf adventures! I knew it may all be a big mistake, but I am a seeker and ground breaker so I figured to thine own self be true- go for it Robin. I wanted to know how I truly felt about it after all these years being out of the life. I craved to know. I dreamt about it many times and felt the rush of adrenaline I always got to step foot on stage or on camera. I craved validation from men & a sense of belonging. -That's the main question- where do I belong in this world? Long story short- I fell on my face spiritually, literally with a concussion, & financially. I found myself homeless and on emergency welfare sleeping on my girl's floor and clothes piled in my car. I felt so alone and desperate and hopeless when renter after renter told my daughter and I NO. I sat in the parking lot of a religious science church and just wept to my best friend on the phone while my daughter sat in the back seat full of life and hope. GOD HELP US!!!! I would cry.
One morning, I woke up and literally sat straight up as my heart told me to look for a job. Immediately this yoga dude texted me, and I told him of my new inspiration. He just so happened to be an expert on non-profit work & sent me some links. I started searching and searching for some job listing to make me excited. How can I work a "normal" job if it's uninspiring. F that. I began to feel defeated as I ferociously sifted through ad after ad of bunk jobs. Finally, I thought to contact the people I used to to human trafficking work with and more specifically a woman I connected with at a MISSSEY Gala I helped with. BOOM! The magic began...
I spoke on the phone to the founder of an organization called Runaway Girl; how perfect, I am a runaway girl. I felt vulnerable on the phone with her and embarrassed I had gone back to adult biz work. I felt hopeless at one point on the phone when it sounded like she couldn't help me find work because I still had one foot in web camming & I almost hung up the phone. Some strong part deep inside me refused to give up, refused to hang up, so I sat through the pain of that moment. Eventually she said these words that pierced me... "You know, you don't ever have to do that kind of work again if you don't want to. You're daughter will be ok. You will be ok." Well golly jeepers... that had never accrued to me in the last 6 months. I didn't have to do it? No, you don't understand. I do have to do it, I thought. I came back to America graduated, off financial aid, off welfare, and $1100 in debt not to mention my old DUI repercussions. But in that instance, the thought and possiblilty flashed to me that maybe I had been deceiving myself out of fear. How do I really feel? I felt helpless, beaten, down for the count, abandoned by my family again, failure as a provider, dirty, alone, panicked. I decided... OK. I surrender. I surrender to this woman's faith that I will be provided for and something will help me. I fucking surrender. My way never works. I can't even find a job or a house or gas at times. I can't save, I can't show up when I am hung over and depressed, I can't be the woman I want to be in my friends & families lives because I am stuck in survival mode. This is the cycle of my life that I repeat over and over. Success scares me so bad that I go back to the 13 year old little girl who fights to survive at all costs. She will stoop to any level she needs to to get her needs met and to escape injustice and harm. It's what I do.
I was inspired to show up at a human trafficking event last Tuesday morning. With my tail between my legs I asked the father who's giving me silent treatment to watch my daughter so I could go. The simple act of me waking up early humble and hopeful provided a platform for me to choose to step into my greatness and remember who I am and all the work I have done to heal and heal others. I was treated as a colleague and survivor expert at this conference. I received gifts and took pictures and laughed with other girls like me so hard! I felt a deep sense of belonging. I even spoke on the panel briefly on my research at Cal (in front of hundreds of people). As my heart raced and dizziness hit my brain, I remembered who I am underneath the fear. I am a warrior! I step up to any plate & I fight whether it's for me, my blood, or my sisters. I am the brave one. Tears well up in my eyes when I type that because I know it's true.
I left that conference in awe, $150 check, 2 job offers, gifts, new friends, and most importantly HOPE.
I got paid to show up and shine. Something that was said that broke me down was when the speaker and president of Not For Sale said something about women in amsterdamn discovering they too were not for sale. It made me think, wait a minute.... sexual adventures is one thing, but do I really want to be for sale? For today my answer is NO. I don't like the way people have been treating me or how I have been stretching my boundaries to accommodate stigma and unspoken protocols. I don't truly want to be for sale when I think about what that means because what is inside me is so much deeper then what the eyes can see and the body feel. This is a long journey; I may get scared again and go back. I may think I can have that money again innocently, but this lil experiment I have done has led me to desperation... no accidents, no regrets because as always, I am brought back to Truth with a deeper understanding, a deeper experience of joy. Miracles. My life is miraculous. Just wait until I tell you whats brewing this week!!
As usual when I am inspired to write, I do not plan what I will put down. I do have to say that I have a burning desire in my heart right now to express... to share what I'm experiencing.
My recent boyfriend bailed on Izzy and I a month ago or so, and surprisingly despite the sadness, I have been waking up everyday with this incredible energy and motivation. I remember this from before when I was pregnant with Izzy, starting school, diving into a yoga practice, determined to heal. My heart and ass were almost literally on fire. I have that same fire right now blazing in my heart. As I write this my chest is full of this incredible excitement and warmth. I am just so burning with excitement for my life... to be a part of YOUR life (whom ever that may be) and to just jump head first into everything that delights my spirit: rock climbing!! snowboarding!! dancing!! scholarships!! money!! being in nature!! being present for my daughter!! adventures!! graduating Cal & grad school!! moving closer to the beach!! being more loving & loud about it!! I mean list goes on & on. I want to inspire others so badly!
So, anyways, I've been meditating everyday, diving deeper into my yoga practice which I believe is somatic therapy for deep issues, and allowing myself to feel the depth of my feelings. I am dedicated to self-love, getting through blockages, and believing in my path even if people walk out of my life because it's not the path for them aka boyfriend. As a result, some weird stuff is going down ya'll!!!!! I had a kundalini experience yesterday and I am about to share it with you.
Goes like this... I had rough day prior to this amazing day dealing with welfare systems, legal systems, and just highly stressful things to make ends meet. I cried a lot but I got through it all and had 5 hours of physical activity between it all. Did I become super woman? I dunno how I did it. The next day I woke up at 4am to meditate (dedicated I TELL YOU ha ha) and do last minute homework. The rest of the day seemed to flow easily and effortlessly in comparison to the day before. I felt easeful... easy to talk to strangers which I usually avoid. I found myself shaking peoples hands, being super present, enjoying my daughter more. Wow... I was flowin with the Universe. I saw friends and usually at first I think judgmental thoughts of what i think they are thinking of me, but this time I just reached out to hug them both with confidence, stayed humble, and went about printing a poem. Why printing a poem?? Best part! Because my 1pm 500 person meditation class held by Professor Azevedo was going to change it up and let who ever wants to present a writing, an expression from the heart. I printed my self-forgiveness poem instead of my whore poem intuitively. My heart was pumping. I was so excited for this for some reason to be heard. I sat right in the front... signed one of the random sign up sheets going around for people who want to read. Then I sat back and made effort to be patient and pay attention for each presenter.
The first girl, a total hippy amazingly dont give a fuck kinda girl got up first and had us make the ugliest face we could... awkward but I tried and giggled. We all stood and moved our bodies in a spontaneously way & then she began her poem off top of her head. She was like free speaking. It was so profound and poetic and from the depths of her spirit. I had to swallow the intense knott in my throat. Suddenly, that warm excited sensation that I have been feeling in my heart spread through my entire core, into the bottom of my pelvic floor and up through the top of my head. HOLY MONKEY BALLS am I high? I thought to myself. Something inside me told me this was a gift and to relax and bask in the sensation. So I stayed present with my breath as a few more people went up... each one touching every bone in my body. I mean I felt their insight and inspiration in the depths of my bones so much that I began to get goosebumps up my legs and tingly in the back of my head. One dorky white boy kid got up and surprised us all. He started free flowin. OMG this boy was a genius. Every line was so creative with so much depth of who he is and radical self-acceptance like explaining how he's different than the rest of the world maybe speakin alien compared to everyone else and how he's been to jail for fighting for what's right etc.... and the intensity that he performed it in was just mind blowing, and brave and radical and scary and brilliant all at the same time. I was just floored. I could barely handle the excitement. I just laughed and holla'd at him as everyone clapped and whistled. AMAZING. Then I was wanting to share mine so bad. And just as I was beginning to know they would randomly pick me next out of all the names, I began to imagine them saying my name in my head and before I could finish, they called ROBIN RIVERA. My friends cheered my name and I began to reveal my heart to this class room of 500 people not knowing I would struggle to read it with a frog in my throat because it was that real & that raw for me. I needed to be heard. I knew someone else in that room needed to hear it. And sure enough after... an young Indian girl came up to me to hug me and thank me and tell me how much it touched her. Wow. I was full blown lit up in all my chakras. Is this what can happen to the human body/spirit just by getting a group together in a sacred space where we try to meditate & then allow each other to creatively express ourselves??? If so, this is the fucking job I wanna do for the rest of my life!!!!! This is where the magic is at. AND, coincidentally my other full blown kundalini awakening happened in the same freaking kinda group setting 4 years ago in a Anusara Yoga immersion 108hr workshop. We did a creative expression night. I pussed out & didn't dance my dance because I was ashamed of how sexy I dance.. I thought I would be judged & then I sat there as I watched a belly dancer delight the room more than any other participant WITH MY FUCKING DANCE MOVES! It was beautiful & I missed my chance to express. But this shows me how much I've grown to come full circle. I did not miss my chance yesterday & I stood their completely unashamed of who I am.
I want to tell you about the growth I experience later last night when my heart broke over this recent boyfriend and grieving letting him go... but this is getting to long. I'll just say that as my heart was breaking one of my best friends called: Miguel. The angel sent to guide me through that pain on such a very magical day for me. I know this friend SEES me. I mean really SEES me. And, he told me I must be like some extremely evolved human that gets to feel the full spectrum of what humans can potentially feel and experience. He's right. I'm experiencing it alright. May I learn to protect myself... May I never be afraid to love so deeply... may I love harder and longer and deeper... May I not cling to that love for their is abundance... May I never be ashamed of the blessings that I hold... May I share and share and share... and share.
Special thank you also to my dearest girl friend Ashley who pours her heart and beliefs into me, who reminds me who I am every step of the way, who walks with me week after week, year after year. Thank you for your devotion. I love you.
