Let the World Wait ...

Approval seeking. We all want to be and know we are good enough.

In the early hours of the morning, I found myself tossing and turning in bed alone... wondering what people think of me. Particularly, wondering what my partner's family thinks of me after all these desperate moments I have had during this pregnancy reaching out to them for help out of fear I will end up with the same situation I have with my first child's dad. Complete chaos & emotional abuse with that man. I've had moments of fearful desperation so afraid of how this new dynamic will play out, so afraid to struggle as a single mom of two children, so afraid I am incapable of a relationship... just so afraid.

My best friend just wrote a blog for the Huffington Post (huge milestone), and it reminded me the only approval I need to be ok is my own. That's the biggest lesson I have been learning over the years. Relationship success or no relationship, job or no job, recognition or no recognition, I am a precious child of God walking this earth doing the very very very best I can. Not only am I doing the very best I can, I consciously work to remove all barriers in my life. That's more than I can say for half the people I know or more. So, can I love myself despite what others may or may not think of me? Of course I can.

There is ONE life, ONE God, ONE Love, and I am not excluded from this ONE family on earth.

The walls I have built around my fortress are vast, tall, and wide with alarms everywhere. And, I decide this is ok. It's ok that this is the path I have created because it's my path... my sacred precious path, and there's no reason in the world to be ashamed of it. It's going to take time for me to identify & break down all these walls I've created one by one with each courageous effort. Let the world watch. Let the world wait. They can all just wait while I take my sweet time unraveling this puzzle. There's no rush.

I am so touched by the people who have chosen to hold my hand through this process, and even more by the ones who have burned deeply along side me. Especially, this brave man who has chosen me and has picked up everything within reach to help me break these walls down for good so I can be free.

My hope is to inspire others to be so bold in their efforts to free themselves both physically, if they're  under someone or something's control, and metaphorically- from deep within.

So then, in this context... we need not worry if other people think we are good enough. This is the path. This is your sacred path no matter what it looks like from the outside, YOU KNOW what's on the inside. I KNOW what's on the inside.

mmm. mmm. mmm.

The Words "I love you" are so boring

The words "I love you" are so boring
They're the only ones we're given to express this deep human connection
yet the words fall like blank bullets out of my mouth piercing nothing, nothing at all
disappointing me, failing to mean what I want them to mean

They are so boring and meaningless in the light of what I'm aching to say

How then can I release this explosion of human experience?
How then can I make sure the one's I "love" know this experience manifesting within me?
How then can I feel satisfied and relieved expressing my truth about the greatest sensations and knowings ever to arise?

So, I vomit. I vomit from the heart.

It's the way my hands melt into yours letting the warmth overcome me, seeping through layers of skin
The blood pulsating through my face and swirling in my eyes when we look at each other
That deep knowing of being seen
That deep feeling of tears arising in my throat
 The gratitude and humility of having the privilege to start seeing someone back
That innocence in their eyes, that soul so hungry to be seen
I see the years, maybe even life times of this person waiting to be seen, so deserving
Knowing it's me that has been chosen to see them
The fear that melts away and the time that stands still
It's the safety amongst the uncertainty
When you see someones actions line up consistently for the first time
The awe and wonder in my ears, eyes, nose, and temples of my forehead when I look at you
The knowing, just the knowing of something greater then us.

Something magical. Something fierce.

Ready to Fly

To Phillip,

Thank you for being being you… this poem is said in a whisper. 

Ready to Fly ~

At a time in my life when I was just about to fly, he came, he really came.

My feet were still touching the ground, I’m scared, so scared.

The fear to let go of everything I held close,  so strong

I need help, I need help.

At a time in my life when I was being called to go higher, he came he really came.

My heart had been ripped back open, I’m scared, so scared.

The fear said I’d never make it out there without the demons, it lied deep lies.

 I need help, I need help.

At a time in my life when I couldn’t house or clothe my child, he came, he really came.

My soul burned everyday telling me to scream my story, I’m scared, so scared.

He held my hand, my heart, my child, my fear, so I’m brave, I can be brave.

It’s ok to need help… I need help! Someone help!

At a time in my life when I was ready to let go, he came, he really came.

My spirit he penetrated teaching me to believe, I’m loved, so loved.

He told me he’s here now, I let my feet lift off the ground, I’m flying, I’m flying. I’m finally flying!

I needed help, he came, he really came.

Gut Checks. Listen to Them.

On the topic of intution, I had a resent disturbing situation with another female whom I had serious gut checks with. My heart wanted to love this girl (new friend) who got too close with my boyfriend while we were taking time apart for a month or so
, but I sensed the imbalance in her & in the friendship. I sensed spiritual danger and unconsciousness in this girl while my sweetheart was unable to call her on her shit because of his own imbalances of being the "nice guy." I was almost willing to sacrifice my comfortability and not listen to my intuition for the sake of other people liking me. SCREW that. The lessons I learned here were to stand strong in who I am, stand strong in my essence by not letting the imbalances and blindness of others shake me. I was sickened by the scenario because I felt tricked and betrayed by this woman and not respected. After my honey stood up for me and explained to her that I felt threatened and uneasy about them spending alone time, she still texted him to hang out and go climbing and expressed being upset. What are the driving forces behind a woman or friend who tests the boundaries of  love and intimacy between two kind spirits especially where she has already overstepped? Both my partner and I have other great friendships with the opposite sex, all of which are non-threatening and feel in alignment with what we are about. What if the roles were reversed? If your a man & your good female friend was madly in love and wanted to respect her new love's concerns by setting some extra boundaries and space for a while, would you respect her & be happy for her? Or would you continue to call and text her to go on solo adventures? Would you express how upset you were about it and seek sympathy from her? Uhhh, I know I sure as heck wouldn't. And this is where I have to practice empathy, love, & understanding!! holy monkey. We are all human, in this condition together. God knows I have my imbalances with my self-esteem being shaken at times and certain things trigger me etc etc on & On. I can have compassion for this woman because I believe she knows not how she is... I can only wish an awakening for her. BUT, at the same time its vitally important to honor your bodies intuition, that sick feeling that turns in your stomach and tells you something is not right with this. It is possible to forgive and love people, yet not let them into the boundaries of your intimate life. Luckily, the man I chose and whom chose me are waking up spiritually on this path at our own pace. We are both open to honoring eachother and learning what that means as we grow together. We can hold space for eachother to work through our imbalances while knowing we have eachothers backs no matter what. The love and adventures and intimacy we share are outta this world and we deeply desire to motivate and inspire as many people as we can to live big like we are. So for that, I am thankful for these lessons on intution, self-love, and forgiveness.

Love yourself enough to set those boundaries and know you are supported by the Universe.