Ready to Fly

To Phillip,

Thank you for being being you… this poem is said in a whisper. 

Ready to Fly ~

At a time in my life when I was just about to fly, he came, he really came.

My feet were still touching the ground, I’m scared, so scared.

The fear to let go of everything I held close,  so strong

I need help, I need help.

At a time in my life when I was being called to go higher, he came he really came.

My heart had been ripped back open, I’m scared, so scared.

The fear said I’d never make it out there without the demons, it lied deep lies.

 I need help, I need help.

At a time in my life when I couldn’t house or clothe my child, he came, he really came.

My soul burned everyday telling me to scream my story, I’m scared, so scared.

He held my hand, my heart, my child, my fear, so I’m brave, I can be brave.

It’s ok to need help… I need help! Someone help!

At a time in my life when I was ready to let go, he came, he really came.

My spirit he penetrated teaching me to believe, I’m loved, so loved.

He told me he’s here now, I let my feet lift off the ground, I’m flying, I’m flying. I’m finally flying!

I needed help, he came, he really came.

The Gift of Desperation

Desperation. One of the most wonderful gifts we can receive. We cannot muster it up, or fake it. We can only wish for it silently. Desperation paves the way for surrender which paves the way for a miracle... a shift in our existence, world view, bodily sensations, & heart.

I have so much to say, so much to write, so much to express, but I just want to be concise about this pressing fire in my heart right now.

Recently, I was on a mission to discover my sexuality and ethical boundaries as far as "sex work." All of this inspired by a class I took at UC Berkeley on sexual cultures. It made me feel like sex work might be ok for me again, maybe even a savior for a single mom with dreams of financial independence off welfare, travel, and surf adventures! I knew it may all be a big mistake, but I am a seeker and ground breaker so I figured to thine own self be true- go for it Robin. I wanted to know how I truly felt about it after all these years being out of the life. I craved to know. I dreamt about it many times and felt the rush of adrenaline I always got to step foot on stage or on camera. I craved validation from men & a sense of belonging. -That's the main question- where do I belong in this world? Long story short- I fell on my face spiritually, literally with a concussion, & financially. I found myself homeless and on emergency welfare sleeping on my girl's floor and clothes piled in my car. I felt so alone and desperate and hopeless when renter after renter told my daughter and I NO. I sat in the parking lot of a religious science church and just wept to my best friend on the phone while my daughter sat in the back seat full of life and hope. GOD HELP US!!!! I would cry.

One morning, I woke up and literally sat straight up as my heart told me to look for a job. Immediately this yoga dude texted me, and I told him of my new inspiration. He just so happened to be an expert on non-profit work & sent me some links. I started searching and searching for some job listing to make me excited. How can I work a "normal" job if it's uninspiring. F that. I began to feel defeated as I ferociously sifted through ad after ad of bunk jobs. Finally, I thought to contact the people I used to to human trafficking work with and more specifically a woman I connected with at a MISSSEY Gala I helped with. BOOM! The magic began...

I spoke on the phone to the founder of an organization called Runaway Girl; how perfect, I am a runaway girl. I felt vulnerable on the phone with her and embarrassed I had gone back to adult biz work. I felt hopeless at one point on the phone when it sounded like she couldn't help me find work because I still had one foot in web camming & I almost hung up the phone. Some strong part deep inside me refused to give up, refused to hang up, so I sat through the pain of that moment. Eventually she said these words that pierced me... "You know, you don't ever have to do that kind of work again if you don't want to. You're daughter will be ok. You will be ok." Well golly jeepers... that had never accrued to me in the last 6 months. I didn't have to do it? No, you don't understand. I do have to do it, I thought. I came back to America graduated, off financial aid, off welfare, and $1100 in debt not to mention my old DUI repercussions. But in that instance, the thought and possiblilty flashed to me that maybe I had been deceiving myself out of fear. How do I really feel? I felt helpless, beaten, down for the count, abandoned by my family again, failure as a provider, dirty, alone, panicked. I decided... OK. I surrender. I surrender to this woman's faith that I will be provided for and something will help me. I fucking surrender. My way never works. I can't even find a job or a house or gas at times. I can't save, I can't show up when I am hung over and depressed, I can't be the woman I want to be in my friends & families lives because I am stuck in survival mode. This is the cycle of my life that I repeat over and over. Success scares me so bad that I go back to the 13 year old little girl who fights to survive at all costs. She will stoop to any level she needs to to get her needs met and to escape injustice and harm. It's what I do.

I was inspired to show up at a human trafficking event last Tuesday morning. With my tail between my legs I asked the father who's giving me silent treatment to watch my daughter so I could go. The simple act of me waking up early humble and hopeful provided a platform for me to choose to step into my greatness and remember who I am and all the work I have done to heal and heal others. I was treated as a colleague and survivor expert at this conference. I received gifts and took pictures and laughed with other girls like me so hard! I felt a deep sense of belonging. I even spoke on the panel briefly on my research at Cal (in front of hundreds of people). As my heart raced and dizziness hit my brain, I remembered who I am underneath the fear. I am a warrior! I step up to any plate & I fight whether it's for me, my blood, or my sisters. I am the brave one. Tears well up in my eyes when I type that because I know it's true.

I left that conference in awe, $150 check, 2 job offers, gifts, new friends, and most importantly HOPE.

 I got paid to show up and shine. Something that was said that broke me down was when the speaker and president of Not For Sale said something about women in amsterdamn discovering they too were not for sale. It made me think, wait a minute.... sexual adventures is one thing, but do I really want to be for sale? For today my answer is NO. I don't like the way people have been treating me or how I have been stretching my boundaries to accommodate stigma and unspoken protocols. I don't truly want to be for sale when I think about what that means because what is inside me is so much deeper then what the eyes can see and the body feel. This is a long journey; I may get scared again and go back. I may think I can have that money again innocently, but this lil experiment I have done has led me to desperation... no accidents, no regrets because as always, I am brought back to Truth with a deeper understanding, a deeper experience of joy. Miracles. My life is miraculous. Just wait until I tell you whats brewing this week!!

My Spanish Adventures

Blog Spain

I wanted adventure. I wanted reprieve. I wanted to feel something new inside me and all around me. I wanted to love myself more deeply. I wanted to be free. 

I got all these things and more.

At a time in my life where I was closing the epic adventure of "porn star-turned-mommy goes to college," I was also getting ready to travel across the world leaving my 5 year old daughter at home for 7 weeks. The epic adventure called college was where I would prove to myself and the world that I was far beyond just being a whore. That I actually had a brain, a heart, and a drive no one could match. I won 35 awards in 4 years. Because of my street smarts combined with my school smarts, I got to travel to Oahu, Maui, Tahoe, Thailand, Bali, Spain, & now Portugal without having a job. I don’t say this to brag; I say this because this journey has been absolutely ground breakingly magical… miracle after miracle. Sometimes it feels as if my life were on autopilot towards success no matter how many times I fell down. I had the honor to touch peoples lives, to stand up in front of hundreds of people to tell my story and passions. One time I had a standing ovation for which I wanted to crawl under the table and hide. May I never forgot what I am capable of, what we all are capable of. It’s mind blowing, and sometimes I forget. It’s easier to forget, than to remember, for remembering means you have to step up to the plate, no giving up. 

This academic journey has been my incubator cooking me, preparing me to stand strong against adversity out there in the real world. A world that raped me metaphorically and literally. A world that chewed me up, spit me out, and left me to die. I had no tools for living in it. And, now my college journey had come to a close and I felt so uneasy embarking on my Spain/Portugal trip this summer. I found myself wanting to drink the fear and uncertainty away. I found myself doubting everything I’ve worked for, doubting my parenting skills (which is ridiculous because I live and breath for that child), doubting my ability to be anything more than a sex worker… on n' on. I felt alone in Spain and misunderstood.

Then I hit a breaking point and let all that shit go. I jumped in the water, paddled hard, spit salt water out my mouth with vengeance, and went for wave after wave after wave until my body wouldn’t let me anymore. (I am talking about small waves, mind you.) Every time I got back on my board, A board, ANY board, I came back to myself, pretty much in the same way yoga and meditation bring me back to the present moment, back to who I feel I am, back to my strength & resiliance. It’s like it hits a reset button. Like when you’re playing mortal combat or some video game and you don’t like your score- you can just give in and hit that reset button hahahaha. Every thing is like a video game to me for some reason. That’s why I liked school. Points involved? ALRIGHT IM IN! Reset button for the game of life. 

My first couple weeks, I was so worried about not having all the adventures I was craving until my friend invited me to meet her in the island of Ibiza for a really fancy adventure: private jet plane, giant white Spanish guest house with our own pool for skinny dipping, dancing naked on our own balcony, danced naked on a beach & climb rocks while our Italian dudes laughed at us and made sure we didn't die, being fed glorious meals by different people I met along the way, motor bike rides for beer and pizza, danced til 7am at the famous club Amnesia. Ibiza rocked my world for 4 days of twighlight zone.

 On the way to Ibiza I was like a manifestation magnet for adventures and romance. First, I ended up sitting next to a cool hippy dude that revealed to me he's a rock climber and all things outdoors. SCORE!! He showed me pictures on his phone of epic outdoors trips and my heart started pounding with excitement. We exchanged info, and we ended up going on a few adventures together and becoming life long friends, I am sure. He has a house in the mountains that I will come visit soon. He even hosted me at his mother's home and they treated me with such kindness and tenderness; I felt really special to be there and to have their welcoming and hospitality. Secondly, when I transferred buses to get to the airport, some hot blue eyed babe swooped me from the side and hosted me the rest of the way to the airport. He paid for everything and we laughed and tried to get to know each other even though his Spanish was so fast for me. As we parted, he demanded a kiss... he was so bold as to ask for french kiss with a little tongue! So, I just licked his face from chin to nose instead, and then I walked away. Now, we are pen pals. Butterfly inducing, exciting friendship kinda pen pals. He has a home in Malaga where I will stay with his family when I come back. SCORE again!! 

Upon my return to Comillas, where my school program was, I finally met some cool surfer dudes from Belgium & Holland. One totally swindled me at a club where I refused to go home with him (he had no shoes on for heaven's sake and sleeps in a caravan at a surf camp). The next day on the beach he waived to me while he was teaching surf lessons. None of the other surfer dudes had ever made effort to talk to me before so I was sure he was not waving to me! I looked behind me as to see who he was waving to and I never waved back. This dude was relentless because then he came up to talk to me even though I seemingly ignored him and refused his offer before ha ha. This time he invited me to have tea, and I thought that's pretty legit & nice. Fast forward, fell in love with all the amazing, open, funny, beautiful people at his Belgium surf camp he works at, fell in love with Oyambre beach, and my new surfer friends took me for a sunrise surf session to end it all. I caught lots of little waves and felt on top my own lil world. Every time I looked over at my new friends, my heart smiled because although I am not the greatest surfer yet, it feels really nice to share the love of surf with other people who know how you feel. I felt really appreciated by them, and that's such a nice feeling. I met so many other people... these are just the highlights.

I just wanted to be free... I just wanted to love myself a little deeper. In each of these special people, I saw my freedom and love of life reflected back to me. Thank you to the people who saw me for me, danced with me all night, surfed with me, fed me, helped me, and laughed with me. I don't always get everything I want, but I definitely come VERY VERY close on a regular basis. The life of Ernesto Manifesto. <3