Crazy Beautiful: Run Away Robin

Crazy Beautiful: Run Away Robin: Stay in one place. Breath. Don't run. Feel. These things can be my worst nightmare. I have always been a runner. Things get scary, RUN...

Run Away Robin

Stay in one place. Breath. Don't run. Feel.

These things can be my worst nightmare. I have always been a runner. Things get scary, RUN. Things get hard, RUN. Things get boring, RUN. Someone hurts me, RUN RUN RUN. When I became a mother, that was the end of the running. FUCKING HORRIFIC concept for a girl like me. I protected myself many times by running. I have ran away from scenes barefoot in Beverly Hills, jumped out of a moving limo, hopped fences, ran into target to hide with the dressing room staff from the man who raped me few years prior... I mean you name it, i've experienced it as far as most traumas. So for me to be forced to stop running is like asking me to do the unimaginable. Yet, year after year I am doing it. I am not running. As a result, all the pain that I have ever ran from begins to surface one experience at a time. I am becoming tough as nails. I am becoming patient & tolerant not only of myself but of others as well.
I am in pain right now. I saw things in my mind this weekend that I have not seen in a long time. I smelt smells that I had tried to block out. I saw faces that I wished I never saw. I felt things that make everything inside me scream NO. I sit here in my nice town home, with my beautiful daughter home from school sick upstairs, my UC Berkeley reading assignments out, but I can not focus & I can not feel joy in this moment. I want to run & I want to hide & I want to believe I can give up if I want to. Its so hard being me! And, I have to give myself credit damn it. I am choosing not to run! I am choosing to feel this pain on this couch by myself. I am choosing to take the necessary steps to comfort myself & take care of my mental, physical & spiritual health. I am choosing not to drop out of school even though my brain has shut down & I can't understand the paragraphs that I am reading. I wanna give up so bad. So so bad. And I can't. There is no where to run to except into my heart. There are no arms I need to fall into except my own.
I just made a list of all the things I love about myself so that I can see this is just another lesson, another level to be cleared, another stepping stone into my greatness. I was questioning what is so great about me? What makes me lovable because I don't feel lovable right now? I saw on paper some of the things that I have been able to do. And just the fact that I have been ripped apart by bad situations & people and utterly dehumanized... but I can still sit here & talk about it, the fact that I still have an enormous amount of love in me to give, the fact that I work my ass off to give my daughter emotional safety & self esteem... are all reasons that I am an incredible human being. I am a miracle but just the simpleness of being makes all of us worthy of the highest offering love has to offer. As much as I want to run from love, from fear, from pain in the past, from pain right now, from school or any commitment... I LOVE my journey too much. I know something great is right around the corner & God is whispering in my ear... "just hold on tight, baby. I have not abandoned you."

How Do You Want to Be Treated?

"You get treated in life the way you teach people to treat you."

"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours."

- Wayne Dyer 

     Being a survivor of multiple layers of trauma involves a lot of soul searching, discovering, and serious choice making. I grew up resenting the way people treated me, yet I continued to put myself in situations to being abused, exploited, or robbed of my dignity. How does one go from no boundaries and allowing people to walk all over them to a having the life they can only dream of? I'd say the only way to begin this healing process is to make a determined decision everyday to give yourself what the world did not give you: Love, Appreciation, Gentleness, Belief, Hope, Comfort, Guidance, Adventure... etc. When you start discovering yourself on the inside & building yourself up... love can't help but exude out of you & people are drawn to that. 

     The people who treated me poorly just happened to weed themselves out. Darkness cannot survive where there is so much freakin light! I've watched loving, kind, generous people surround me year after year & shower me with there love. I know this is because I began to love myself & open that love up to the world. I realized I let those people abuse me... & I abused them in one way or another. I thought I was a good friend, but I had been selfish, flaky, and deceitful at times due to my partying life. I wanted to be this radiant human being, yet I was blocked by fear & self loathing. 

     After I began this journey, I started dating & that showed me many more deeper layers of how I needed to alter the way I treat people (especially men). I saw how I placed unrealistic expectations & began to digress from loving myself to wanting a father figure to love me. Wow. That was a huge revelation... I had three people in a row create so much pain in my heart. The pain that I needed to see & face. So, I started looking at each painful experience as a lesson... took the weight out of feeling rejected & started seeing that I was being taught lessons & redirected. Looking back now, I would never put up with the bullshit that I used to in the past with dating. No way, no how. It's like when you start treating yourself & others with love, you can no longer pretend or sacrifice what you really want just to be loved by someone. As a result of this work, relationships & dating aren't that intense or scary. Who cares... I say just love everyday, love with all your heart, love your enemies, love your friends out loud,  drop to your children's level & love them til you explode, serve the heart of your partners & not ache for them to serve yours, give & give & give, & then let yourself receive. Let go of social/cultural norms & just follow your heart. Treat people this way & the love & magical things will come back 10 fold. I see it everyday!

 

Unfinished Business

     Some things in life cannot be sufficiently explained or understood... some truths will never be told... and some injustices may never be made right. This is the fact I have to face. I have to be ok with being who and what I am right now. I have to be ok not knowing exactly why people have harmed me or the details of what really happened. My memories of a Halloween night when I was 15 years old are foggy & fragmented.

      For all these years since, I have wanted so desperately to know what happened to me. Why was I in so much pain the next day? Why was I convulsing & hallucinating? Who were those silhouettes of bodies I vaguely remember? Why didn't someone stay with me to make sure I was ok? And, why did those people from school torment me after? What did I do to deserve this? ... I may never fully know, but I have to learn to be satisfied with not knowing. 

     Last night I saw a beautiful picture of my childhood friend's sister on FB, and I commented. Following my comment was the girl friend of one the men who was involved in some kind of raping that happened to me on Halloween. Im shaking inside to even think of this woman. She was known as a bully and the bold, relentless type. Last night she made smart ass comments below mine, and my heart began to race, my whole body started shaking as if I were shivering, and I was short of breath. Seeing her meanness again reminded me of one of the most traumatic events of my life. My hands are shaking typing this, but I now this is the only way through this lesson... it is to feel & to let it out creatively. 

     After all the rape stuff went down, and all kinds of detectives getting involved, this woman hunted me down. I think I was set up by another friend so that the girl friends of these terrible men could confront me & they forced me to stand in front of everyone and tell them step by step everything that I remember... to one of the men's face. The guy looked me in the eyes and lied. He told me that I am just a sick little girl trying to get attention or something when in fact, it was his own friend who ratted him out. I was so humiliated and terrified. I wanted to die... I tried to die. I ran away, I started smoking meth with strange older people with guns, who harbored me for 2 weeks before the police found me. I was hospitalized and then sent off to a boarding school in Mexico where I began to heal in a very intense, brutal environment. I was forced to start dealing with it all. 

     Today, here I am... a mother dedicated to healing from all past trauma & trying to make all my dreams come true. I am willing and ready to face what ever arises. Last night, I guess it was my time to feel this pain and relive the horror one more time so that I can forgive those people. How can I forgive this woman who tormented me, who I feared would jump me, the reason I had police patrolling my parents house for my safety? I am not exactly sure how, but I can have compassion for her. She has to live with her mean self. I would never treat anyone poorly without remorse. How sad that she married a man who raped a little girl when he was grown already. She, too, has to live without ever knowing the truth about that night, just like me. Only I am the one most affected.
      I learned recently that I am aloud to be angry... I don't have to hold it in or cover it up or let it explode at someone else. I AM ANGRY THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I AM ANGRY THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO WANT TO HURT ME. I AM ANGRY THAT I AM THE ONE WHO HAS TO BE STRONG & PICK UP ALL THE GOD DAMN PIECES & GIVE MY DAUGHTER A GOOD LIFE. I AM SO ANGRY!!! BUT, even though I am angry... I still have enough love in my heart to get through it. May God be the one to make things right. It's just my job to forgive and let it be. I forgive that woman because I know, and many others know, that I don't deserve to be treated poorly. I forgive her because I am the one who gets to be free & choose to be surrounded by sweet, loving people... she is stuck living in darkness.
     Even deeper... I can forgive those guys, however many there were, because they know not what they did. This world is full of sickness; it just manifests in different forms for everyone. Empathy I believe is the solution. I have this vision of being in heaven or something & meeting them at their death bed in spirit & kissing them on their forehead to tell them, I forgive them with the most gentle words. God can handle all of the rest. When I die, I want there to be no unfinished business... I want to have loved my people the very best I can, I want to close all wounds that were created, I want to forgive deeply and be remembered in the highest way possible! So, maybe I will never know the details of what happened that night or have justices served, but I can be healed enough & forgive enough to truly thrive in this life.

Knowledge Is Power

People just don't know what they don't know... and how can you blame them for it because it was once you in their position. My heart just breaks for all the voices who can not be heard, for all the oppression people have faced and are still facing, for the idiots who don't know better but who flauntingly discriminate, and especially, especially for those mothers and fathers trying to give their children a better life through social services. Now, I know we all discriminate and have hidden/not so hidden biases... it is a natural cognitive process to help us organized the world around us, but for heaven's sake EDUCATE YOURSELF before posting cruel remarks on FB. Or, at least that is what I would like to say to the world and have it considered in all arenas.
Not too long ago, I was one of those uneducated, pretending to be ditsy girls, who judged women for abortions, people "abusing" the welfare system, and I thought getting high was more important than contributing to society. But, boy! What an education can do for you!? Since changing my life for my daughter and deciding education would be one vehicle for that, I can no longer see the world in the same way. I don't take what I learn in school at face value. I get to think critically, do my own research, investigate, and draw upon my own personal experience. There is power in data. There is power in knowledge. People don't seem to care so much about emotions; it seems numbers speak louder than words. Most of the reason I want that damn PhD degree is so society will accept and validate what I have to say. I have a lot to say and a lot of work to do to fulfill my life's purpose. Education has allowed me the freedom to believe in myself and my experience. I will not stop until all the critical voices are heard by the people in power.
Anyways, I recently got all fired up because this chic on my FB page posted this, "I know this will NEVER happen, but instead of giving out WIC like it's candy, they should just give em all birth control." If you don't know, WIC is a nutritional program that educates women and children (in poverty) to have healthy eating habits and provides them with these huge embarrassing checks to buy minimal items such as milk, eggs, dry beans, baby food, etc.. How can someone make such a cruel comment? It's one thing to suggest birth control in conjunction with nutrition for their already LIVING children, but to suggest the "candy" giving should stop all together? I feel sick just typing this in remembrance.Why does this fire me up so badly? Because almost every class I take has taught me about cultural relativism, to see the differences in ways of life, and contributing factors such as oppression, discrimination, abuse, underprivileged communities. Also, I have personal experience seeing first hand what programs like WIC, CalWORKs, EOPS, and non-profit pregnancy crisis centers can do in transforming lives. This is no light subject. LIVES are being saved, second chances are being given out, and the next generations are given some hope from the mothers who change their lives for the better.
With a six-month old baby in hand and my tail between my legs, I attempted to shop at the Pleasanton Safeway market to restock up on baby food. I was scared to pick out the wrong food brand that was WIC approved because then the register lady might get frustrated with me, and I'll turn bright red while imagining everyone knowing how actually kinda stupid I was (or so I thought). I had to check and re-check that I had the right food. During my pregnancy I read a book called Raising Baby Green which talked about the importance of organic everything for baby and no processed food, but since WIC didn't yet approve this expense, I had to get the preservative filled crud for my little baby which was better than nothing. Finally, I got up to the register with nothing more than a dozen or so baby food jars. I felt proud I had found all the WIC approved ones and followed all the rules. As the register lady checked each one by hand and signed off the dreadful, stigma laden WIC checks... the tall, semi-elderly woman standing behind me was obviously becoming impatient. With my tail, again, in between my legs I kindly looked up at the women with a half pout and suggested if she were pressed for time that maybe she should try the other line, and I turned away apologetic. The woman ripped my very new found dignity right from under me as she yelled, "JEEZ, THIS IS WHAT ARE TAX DOLLARS ARE GOING TO?" My heart broke. I was so embarrassed. I felt so undeserving and shamed with guilt that I could not provide even baby food for my own child without having to return to being an escort, or a porn star, or a stripper. All things that brought me very close with death. I had no other choice, but to walk that walk of shame every week to the grocery store. For my babies health, yes I am willing to be stigmatized again and again and again.
Today, I am unapologetic. I know all the factors that came into play for me to be in a needy position raising an innocent child on my own. I know it was not all my choice to get sucked into a life in the adult industry where almost no one escapes, EVER. The torment I experienced from the kids at school, the oppression of being a girl and so desperately wanting to be as loved as my brother, the abuse and the exploitation and the manipulation are what limited my choices. Yes, it was my choice, but from what plate was I choosing from? What are the underlying implications society and circumstances have in the theatrics of my life? These are just the questions I had to ask my professors at CAL, and these come from a half-white girl (me) raised by a middle to upper class American/Mexican-American household in a suburb with access to services. May I ask you what factors are involved with, lets say an African American young girl who has been born into a society that will not accept her skin color, trembles with anxiety at her mere presence, and that now wants to act color blind? Were there resources in her community growing up? Did her parents have low self-worth and it trickled down? Was birth control against her religion or culture? Was she left by her fiance? These are the questions I would like to ask the chic who posted on FB that WIC is being given out like candy, yet she takes no action on the issue.

People don't know what they don't know until you tell them.

I am not sorry for taking advantage of the system... this is survival. Who not to fight for but your own flesh & blood. So, I say bring on the stigma. Bring on the judgment. Bring on the ignorance... because I will be the one to make sure all those mothers' voices are heard and needs are getting closer to being met.

What Does It Mean to Be a Whore?

Before I ever had sex, I was called a slut and a whore by the kids at school. My own father told me in a fit of rage that the whole school thought I was a slut. I lost my virginity in a bathroom of a park from a pimple faced popular boy who pressured me into it without asking. I was terrified and I had no idea what was going on, but the words of those who called me a whore stuck in my mind, and I confirmed for them... that indeed I must be a slut. Now that I am older and have experience as a woman, as a mother, as a survivor of sex trafficking and exploitation, as a scholar, as a kick ass student & lover of life, I have begun to wonder what does it really mean to be a whore...

Am I a whore because of the way I look

Is it my beauty that your envious of while you stand empty watching me be loved by many

Am I whore because I enjoy cooking a masterful meal wearing only underwear

Is it because I let my daughter be naked in the house all the time as she delights in her own mere presence

Am I a whore for automatically shaking my ass every time my body feels the entrancing, pulsation of music no matter where I am at

Is there a certain number of men I have to sleep with before I cross the invisible WHORE threshold

Or is it because I like to sleep with women sometimes too & actually have been since I was 13

Am I a whore because I know how to connect with people on a level you only dream of

Is it because I have seen the darkest of men, in secretive places & I know their pain

Am I a whore because I know how to survive when there is no one else to help me

Is it because you fear my determination and my strength

Is it because I fall in love fast & love with all my heart 

Am I a whore because I decided to give life to my unborn child instead of believing you I couldn't do it

Is it because I am comfortable in my own body and embrace my woman-ness every chance I get

Am I a whore because I talk freely about sex and I am unashamed of my "taboo" past

Is it because I made hundreds of thousands of dollars through my old work, that you will never touch

Am I a whore because my job took me to the depths of this earth and catapulted me to another level of existence in order to THRIVE

Or is it because I want to spend my life helping child victims and giving voice to all the other women you like to call a whore

Am I a whore because my innocence was ripped away from me while secretly drugged in my adolescence 

Is it because you know you want even just a tiny piece of the gifts I have to offer the world

Am I a whore because you could never please me and you will never have me

...

Oh, I know... I am a whore because I finally decided to take my power back & you don't like that very much.

Izabella's father called me garbage  and a whore again the other week. This is 4 years of mental abuse & I won't have it anymore. I am not the scared, broken little girl who he met in a strip club 4 years ago. I know who I am now and I am learning to love every single piece of it. Izabella overheard a phone conversation & knows he called me garbage. This hurts her & she has brought it up when she got sad about something totally unrelated. I validated her feelings & told her people make mistakes. We have to learn & forgive & love. I told her its ok to not like if boys say garbage... you tell them "NO, that is not ok with me. You don't talk to me that way." And she understood. We practiced saying NO by being silly with attitude. My motivation is her. What kind of woman do I want her to try to be? How do I want her to view men? Thank God for her Tio Paully who shows her what love means & how men should treat her mommy. XOXO thank you for reading.

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I will be doing everything I can to fight the good fight. Help me make a difference. 

    WOW... I am inspired by my pain once again. I was told yesterday by the father of my child that I am a whore/garbage and that I don't know what love is. He said that I will never be loved the way I desire to be loved and that I am selfish to go on dates.
     I for some reason felt incredible love towards him as he did what he has done for 4 years: belittle me and abuse me mentally. I felt this love for him and patience and calmness (I cried later but at the time I was collected). I explained to him that I do know what love is, in a way that he can see with his own eyes in his life how I have loved hime. I told him, "love is when you want someone to be happy despite their own choice to live in darkness, love is when someone let's you down but you still try to do good to them, love is praying for someone everyday for 2 years to be happy and healthy even though he calls you a whore and stupid and wished death on your unborn child.Love is abandoning everything I knew and stepping into the future terrified and weak but doing it anyway for my child and never giving up no matter what. Love is offering to give his mother my bone marrow just because I love her & i know its my duty to honor what my heart says I need to do. Above all, love isn't mean, love isn't cruel, love is a sacrifice and it is about giving not receiving."
      I can honestly say i believe in LOVE. Love gave me the the power to do the unthinkable and to change whereas nothing ever ever had helped me succeed. I believe in the most beautiful kind of love in a relationship where both people willingly grow together, face challenges holding hands, seek spirituality, and thrive on every level possible & even the impossible.
     I already know this kind of love because I have friends who have loved me unconditionally. The ones who didn't, weeded themselves out, but a dozen or so have stayed forever. They have loved me in my darkness and celebrated with me in my light. They have taught me how valuable and how precious I am & in turn I want to teach others their value. My friends write me love letters, send me books and articles, show up when I need them & even when I don't ask for help they give it. ANd my family... don't get me started on my family... we have been through hell and back 10 times and still we know we love each other, still they would bail me out of any situation because they know my heart is true... and my dedication is there... they will always be here for me no matter what. My brother, he has taught me that men are capable of an innocent kind of love, the way he loves me... only he could teach me this in a world where all I knew was corruption, deceit, and perversion. NOW, I know love. And I am thankful to Izzy's father consistently teaching me all the things I DO KNOW through his cruelty... pain is the greatest teacher.