Run Away Robin

Stay in one place. Breath. Don't run. Feel.

These things can be my worst nightmare. I have always been a runner. Things get scary, RUN. Things get hard, RUN. Things get boring, RUN. Someone hurts me, RUN RUN RUN. When I became a mother, that was the end of the running. FUCKING HORRIFIC concept for a girl like me. I protected myself many times by running. I have ran away from scenes barefoot in Beverly Hills, jumped out of a moving limo, hopped fences, ran into target to hide with the dressing room staff from the man who raped me few years prior... I mean you name it, i've experienced it as far as most traumas. So for me to be forced to stop running is like asking me to do the unimaginable. Yet, year after year I am doing it. I am not running. As a result, all the pain that I have ever ran from begins to surface one experience at a time. I am becoming tough as nails. I am becoming patient & tolerant not only of myself but of others as well.
I am in pain right now. I saw things in my mind this weekend that I have not seen in a long time. I smelt smells that I had tried to block out. I saw faces that I wished I never saw. I felt things that make everything inside me scream NO. I sit here in my nice town home, with my beautiful daughter home from school sick upstairs, my UC Berkeley reading assignments out, but I can not focus & I can not feel joy in this moment. I want to run & I want to hide & I want to believe I can give up if I want to. Its so hard being me! And, I have to give myself credit damn it. I am choosing not to run! I am choosing to feel this pain on this couch by myself. I am choosing to take the necessary steps to comfort myself & take care of my mental, physical & spiritual health. I am choosing not to drop out of school even though my brain has shut down & I can't understand the paragraphs that I am reading. I wanna give up so bad. So so bad. And I can't. There is no where to run to except into my heart. There are no arms I need to fall into except my own.
I just made a list of all the things I love about myself so that I can see this is just another lesson, another level to be cleared, another stepping stone into my greatness. I was questioning what is so great about me? What makes me lovable because I don't feel lovable right now? I saw on paper some of the things that I have been able to do. And just the fact that I have been ripped apart by bad situations & people and utterly dehumanized... but I can still sit here & talk about it, the fact that I still have an enormous amount of love in me to give, the fact that I work my ass off to give my daughter emotional safety & self esteem... are all reasons that I am an incredible human being. I am a miracle but just the simpleness of being makes all of us worthy of the highest offering love has to offer. As much as I want to run from love, from fear, from pain in the past, from pain right now, from school or any commitment... I LOVE my journey too much. I know something great is right around the corner & God is whispering in my ear... "just hold on tight, baby. I have not abandoned you."