july 20, 2009

The Baby Within

   The overflow of pure joy & new awareness continues to take me to places I've never been. Not only is my sweet darling Izabella here to stay, but the very essence of my BEING is as well! Three months have gone by so fast after delivering this lil angel, and everyday I fall deeper in love with her & with life. I've never known a feeling so sweet... when she looks up at me with those big clear eyes & the corners of her mouth curl up like joker, my heart melts into a million pieces, i can barely pick them back up. I dunno where she came from, I dunno how I can be held responsible for her, & I dunno what else to do except listen to the whispers of my natural given insticts & pour my love into her like tomorrow will never come. Only I can't help but realize how much life is still ahead. I feel so lucky, so blessed & so young on this journey to self discovery, healing & liberation. My mama tells me im 100 steps ahead of where she was when she had her first child. That reassures me im doing well coming from her. My biggest fear used to be of becoming my mother.... but as my heart continues to reveal its self to me, I see all the beautiful things in my mother that are coming out of me. I know now I am my own person, on my own path with ups n downs & twists n turns, and its neither good or bad, perfect or imperfect.... it just IS. And see the beauty in it all. I see purpose in all my failures, maybe not all clearly but definitly feel purpose lol. There's been so many coinsidences in my life i can not deny theres a God...... one woman prayed at my feet when i volunteered for Katrina relief in New orleans.   she told me God wanted her to tell me I am going to be a really great mother one day.... the way she held onto my feet & the conviction in her words resinated in my heart & i believed her.! I felt it in the core of my being that God wanted me to know that... 3 yrs later her I am with the comfort of that woman's words.

I'm in an intensive Anusara Yoga Immersion currently & taking my practice deeper with the hopes of becoming an amazing teacher one day. Through out this training I set my intension to be for healing & growth.  NOW My life is being flooded with that intension whether I like it or not. Some days are intense when all my uglies surface to the top & im left to face my fears head on, learn new ways to cope, new ways to see myself, new ways to love. Uncomfortable at times? YES. The path to which i find freedom & bliss? FOR SURE. I had an experience the first week of the immersion. We were chanting this beautiful song which was like singing a sweet lulaby to yourself.... then we began to whisper it with the idea of whispering it to an infant... tears began to well up in my closed eyes. Then the teacher asked us to picture our favorite baby picture of ourselfves.... I immediatley flashed to this sweet picture of me about 2yrs old with my head tilted to one side & the sweetest smile you've ever seen. Then he said "THIS IS YOU" this is who you truly are. I knew what he meant & i swear to God my heart felt like it was PIERCED with shock & rememberence!!!!!!!!! tears fell profusely down my face & I almost sobbed not able to sing the rest of the song. I felt the incredible softens of that little girls face, I wanted to kiss it like I kiss Izabella..... I felt the most indescribable love I've ever felt.... even more than when I first saw Izzy.... and it was for myself? how bizarre, yet real. It was like a family reunion with the most special relative you've ever had & you thought they had died long time ago.